You need HandS

Fortunately for boys, we spend our formative years doing things of such breath-taking stupidity that we become inured to pain. We climb things in order to fall, we pick up stuff that should remain untouched on the floor and we like to run in corridors without looking where we’re going.

As well as not complaining I’m not one to apportion blame but no one erected a caveat sign on my desk. Having said that, the mod didn’t arrive with an instruction manual informing me of any dangers. Nor did the Kayfun. And I’m not even going to mention the wire provider.

Now, I concede, there is the possibility that warning leaflets may have come with the mod, the atomiser, the wire and the wool. It could be that they went into the bin to keep the flat-pack furniture instructions company. But this hasn’t prevented me from going to Boots demanding compensation.

Some would say I am making too much out of a seared finger/Kanthal incident, some think that you can’t legislate for stupid some phone the police and say “Can you please leave our store.”

I don’t care – this is public health and safety we are talking about. For decades health and safety has been widely recognised as the most important facet of our society. Seeing as I’m a member of the public this makes my suffering important to society, even if the management of Boots don’t seem to agree.

So why aren’t the European Parliament and World Health Organisation doing something about this? OK, the answer in part is that it only happened yesterday and although they might act like omniscient deities I am coming to the rapid conclusion that they aren’t.

I’m not calling for a pity party, although if one is thrown I am formally requesting prawn vol-au-vents; I am demanding action be taken to help people like me, the cast of Geordie Shore and George Bush from doing things we shouldn’t be doing.

I realise that vaping campaigners have a lot on their plate at the moment. I hope it isn’t prawn vol-au-vents; I’m fixating on them now I’ve thought about them. I realise there is legislation to be fought and everything but someone needs to take responsibility for 1,000 Â°C of suffering and that someone isn’t going to be me.

It’s at times like this I wish I was American, they have laws to assist people like me. I may not have understood it at the time (or since) but the Albuquerque hotel bar staff were only looking after my wellbeing by stopping me from buying more Guinness after the fourth pint. Clearly they understood the hazards of allowing me a fifth far better than I am still able to comprehend.

Maybe ECCA could consider providing an on-call person for every time when someone is setting about a new coil? Maybe phone support or something but, as I say, I’m not making a big deal about it. What saddens me is that it is the children who end up suffering. Because of the reckless nature of companies I am going to be unable to do the washing up or prepare a nourishing balanced evening meal – I’m worried that I will even have to put off taking up ironing even longer.

I will return to my games controller to take my mind from the agony and use a cold medicinal beer to alleviate the suffering. Thoughts of goodwill and offers of support can be forwarded to me via Facebook.