You Are Beautiful

Someone at Tactical Workz headquarters must have been offended by the delicate curve of a protractor at school. Or maybe they are assaulted late at night while walking home from a bar by a bunch of right-angle triangles. Whatever happened changed them, the world was no longer a beautiful place to live in and they felt the need to express their anger in metal form.

The thing about anger is that it offers a paradox. Little old ladies become adrenaline-fuelled WWE wrestlers if someone hoots at their driving – but at the same time their all-consuming rage robs the withering brain of its ability to process coherent thoughts. Feelings of weakness and self-doubt become externalised as conflict or, in our case, the Tactical Workz Lotus rebuildable dripping atomiser. Some people look at the city of Hull and believe it’s ugly. These people have never seen the Lotus.

This isn’t an attack on any one company…even if they did go on to make the Dreadnaught; a mod so hideous that its best use was as a blinding implement so you never had to gaze on it again. No, this isn’t an attack on any designer; it’s a statement that sometimes engineers should stick to playing with lathes. Good ole’ engineer stuff. When I discover something I’m good at I’ll stick to that instead of writing this drivel.

You see I was always told not to worry about my visually challenging appearance. I was told that there’d be someone out there for me who could appreciate my inner beauty. I was told I couldn’t put people in a re-education camp and I had to wait.

There’s no waiting with mods – the appeal holds firm regardless of how ugly and horrendous they are. The V3 Flip found fans despite being designed in a dark room by mice with felt tips cellotaped to their tails. The Ehuge? Nothing quite says ‘I have no sexual organs’ quite like a device the size of Gandalf’s staff. Or what about The Only Fools And Horses cellphonealike with a Transformer or Thomas the Tank Engine logo on it?

This is all because for every mod there’s a vaper with big cow eyes coveting it. For Ridley Scott fans there’s the Alien-like Deviate, horror film in vape form. Those blessed with a love of cogs, steam and Victorian dysentery there’s every gruesome steam punk ever made. But what about folks who couldn’t join the Territorial Army because they had a splinter? I present the plethora of mods looking like grenades (upsetting airport security everywhere…despite them having all the power of a small child’s party balloon).

And the new rush of ones looking like knuckle-dusters? Apparently there are people who think they’re a good idea too. Whoda thunk it.