Vapefest 2015

Vapefest is the premier vaping event in the UK. Despite the welcome addition of other things taking place this year, VF15 will remain at the top of the list of must-attends for most vapers. Noobs will be full of questions like:

• Who is going to be there?
• Will I get to see the man passed out with a straw in his backside?
• Are beards compulsory? And,
• Should I take enough batteries to power a trans-dimensional portal?

A full weekend of drinking, laughs and vaping beckons. Best of all, it’s a family-friendly event. I can’t speak for others, but I know my children love nothing more than to watch me collapse near a PA speaker clutching a bag of shopping. Admittedly they get to do that most Saturdays in front of the market meat van but here they also get to hold my extensive collection of li-ion batteries.

Thanks to the free camping being laid on you can be assured of spotting a number of tent-loving personalities. It is highly probable that Kim Kardashian, Gandalf and Dame Judy Dench are seriously considering joining the ginger one from Harry Potter under canvas in Shrewsbury. Jack Nicholson has spent the last month making a sleeping bag out of Muji packets.

And for those aware of the dangers of being fallen on by a fat, drunk man at half three in the morning there’s always hotel accommodation. Rooms in Shrewsbury are plentiful and many come with that weekend away essential: bacon. A hearty breakfast is the most important meal of the day, it will set you up for the fun ahead and be the buffer between ‘waking’ and ‘curry’.

What is probably perplexing you is why this advice is being given out so early given that VF15 isn’t on until August. Simple, all vapers (if YouTube is anything to go by) appear to be sporting fantastic beards. With false beards available from most leading beard shops this is a truly unisex fashion statement. Also, as the day ticks by, a beard provides an excellent repository for breakfast morsels.

“Is there a VIP section?” I hear you ask. Why no, at Vapefest everyone is a VIP. Beard or no beard, everyone is treated as though they are more important than celebrity vaping politician Nick Clegg. Just like the Deputy Prime Minister, you will be able to shuffle from stall to stall with no one recognising you. No paparazzi photographers, no pressing meetings with the under-secretary in the Department of Pebbles, just an unhindered time to browse and laugh, to laugh like Johnny Depp the celebrity vaping pirate (who is sharing a tent with Doctor Konstantinos Farsalinos).

When you sit sharing a bottle of rum with Johnny Sparrow-Depp he is going to want to know what you own. And have ever owned. Carrying around a hernia-inducing bag full of kit you never use will be a wonderful talking point. Oh how you will both giggle in the sun as you look at the seventeen CE2s and that bottle of Dekang.

And what if something goes wrong or the hernia becomes unmanageable? Shropshire’s NHS is on the case. From minor coil burns to a hole in your ‘The Only Way Is Subohm’ t-shirt caused by a venting Trustfire, the wonderful nurses will be on speed dial to fix you up and send you back into the fray.

But do not ponder on disaster, despite the media hype no one has ever needed to call out the juice mountain rescue or the sea of raffle prizes lifeboat service. The only setback you may have is not having enough space to carry home your purchases and any freebies you’ve picked up. Maybe the time has come to launch the Stealthvape box on wheels. Go to Vapefest 2015!