Vaping Types

 

17. The Chancer Vaper

“Hello everyone, I’m new to the forum and I’d just like to say that this looks a great place. I don’t fancy working for a living or paying my own way so can someone send me a Hana mod and an Origen dripper. Genuine mind, none of that cheap stuff coz I support makers innit.”

You spend your online time avoiding conflict and refusing to invoke Godwin’s Law but The Chancer will raise your blood pressure as you lift a pet to throw it at the screen.

Seriously, put this person on ‘ignore’ now because their second post will be in a Pay It Forward thread where they’ll be accepting a lifetime’s supply of Japanese cotton and offering up a cracked CE4.

18. The Illiterate Vaper

*We are on holiday for two weeks*

**You decided to ignore the message on the Homepage, no worries. But seriously, we’re backpacking in eastern Syria for fourteen days.**

***You appear to have scrolled to the purchase button. Do not order, we’ve no Internet or anything. We can’t sell to you.***

****YOU HAVE ATTEMPTED TO PURCHASE. LIKE, DO NOT CLICK PURCHASE AGAIN. JUST DON’T!****

*****Oh, you appear to have reached the basket page because you have mistakenly ordered something. You must have missed the many messages on the website telling you that armed with nothing but a three week old piece of haddock we’re taking on Islamic State single-handed. Still, at least you’ll now have read this message and so you know not to bother placing your £4.25 (after discount) request. Are you reading this? Hello? Hello?

DO NOT CLICK ON PROCEED UNLESS YOU ARE HAPPY TO WAIT FOR DELIVERY!

It’s probably best if you just empty your basket and return when we’ve liberated the world from extremism. Thanks. 🙂 *****

 

Vendor returns home to find inbox full of angry emails demanding to know where their orders are.

19. The Litigious Vaper

“Dear vendor/manufacturer,

I have spent fifteen minutes watching Watchdog and feel suitably qualified in telling you that you are in breach of Section 19, subsection 2, clause b of the I’ve Got The Right To Get My Money Back Act 2014.

At no point did the item come with instructions not to insert it into our pet ocelot and then place said item and ocelot into the microwave.

Not only do I demand a replacement item but a £50 gift voucher for my anguish and a pair of chinchillas to make up for our broken ocelot.

Er, within seven working days.

Not only am I looking forward to going to court (as I might appear in the local paper) but my wife’s cousin has a mate who writes a blog and he will destroy your reputation within the emu-riding vaping community.

Yours very serious,

Etc.”

It is highly likely that the Litigious Vaper will have now wound himself to fever pitch. Within seconds of sending the email he will have reported the transaction to Paypal and tried to make contact with the spirit of Lynn Faulds Wood (using a ouija board, two cups and a length of string).

20. The “I May As Well Go Back To Smoking lol” Vaper

The use of ‘lol’ in written text ought to be justification for compulsory euthanasia. The chances of the writer actually laughing at the time are bleaker than Sophie Raworth knocking at my door in the next 3 seconds.

3…2…1…Nope. Gah. Another Friday full of crushing disappointment.

The IMAWGBTSL vaper uses this catchall phrase to combat any and every vaping eventuality. From proposed legislation to being told his kitchen sink mod improvements is liable to take him and half of Stroud out in a ball of smoke; “Ha ha,” he will affect, “IMAWGBTSL!”

See also Insufferable Vaper, Tedious Vaper, Humorless Vaper and/or Lives With His Mum Vaper.

 

Part 2 of Vaping Types is available next month (with a collectors edition of belly button fluff wick for £19.99) from newsagents everywhere. *Except Stroud.

If you would like to find out more about Section 19, subsection 2, clause b of the I’ve Got The Right To Get My Money Back Act 2014, my online course is effort-free and affordable. Successful completion entitles you to attempt to get your money back.