The Truth About the Vape Industry

“We started from the premise that ‘We don’t know what is in them’,” explained Grinch, “and filled in the gaps with educated guesswork. While many would say that we should have used analytical equipment, we believe that our years of experience at making stuff up lends us expertise in this area that is second to none.”

“Our first revelation was that eliquid is made from organs harvested from unloved puppies, the by-products of nuclear fission and food that’s passed its sell-by date. Shocking, right? Not even in our wildest dreams did we imagine we’d discover this simply by inventing facts.”

The California Department of Public Health have already added the details onto their Still Blowing Guff website. “Sure, normally we’d wait until someone said that someone else thought it seemed OK, for other campaigns – but this website is all about spreading fear-based information that no one else has thought up of yet,” said a spokesperson too afraid to give their name.

Grinch continued: “And do you know who makes eliquids? Terrorists, that’s who. All of them, every eliquid company: terrorists. If you buy a bottle of High-VG ‘Strawberry Delightfully Nice’ then all you’re doing is funding them to engage in more 7-Elevens. Say no to terrorists, say no to vaping, is what we say when we’re saying it.”

Stanton then pushed a photograph across the table. It showed people locked in confined spaces like factory farm chickens. “This is how they make the devices they use for this electronic smoking thing,” he said. “It’s true.” He stated that his research proved terrorists locked up people from America and Europe and forced them to manufacture mods and atomisers from the bones of endangered species. “It’s a bit blurry so you can’t see it, but this man is holding the ribcage of a white tiger that will be made into just one electronic cigarette tube. They kill 1,700 of these tigers a week and there were only 200 in the world to begin with. Do you know what this means? We now have -26,500 white tigers globally.”

It seems hard to argue about the good vaping does when confronted by such evidence. Then we learnt that vape shops are actually run by organised crime. “I’m not lying or anything,” Grinch adamantly said while slamming his hand on the table for dramatic effect. “They staff these so-called ‘vape shops’ with prostitutes they trafficked against their will and all their profits go to buying fast cars to do drive-by shootings. I spent three months undercover as one of these prostitutes. I really did. I was great at it because I’ve been prostituting my services for the Pharma industry for years now.”

Andy Goodbloke from the American Bunch of Bloody Nice Vapers Association, commenting on the study, said: “Go home California, you’re drunk.”