The Forthcoming Commons Ecig Debate

 

House of Commons

Wednesday 16 March 2016

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked””

Engagements

Peter Xenophobe (Wellingborough Far Right) (Con): If he will list his official engagements for Wednesday 16 March.

The Primecut Minister (Mr David Hameron): This morning, I had a pig served on a solid silver platter, played Donkey Kong on my office computer, held meetings with a secret society, and in addition to my duties in this House I shall be going to the toilet later today.

Peter Xenophobe: He will be aware that my honourable Friends selflessly serving on the board of British American Tobacco have warned that their prospects of buying more duck houses have been placed in extreme jeopardy due to the ridiculous edicts coming from Yurp. Does he not agree with me that Britain’s (and our) best interests would be served by pulling out…

Honourable members: Ha, pulling out, something your father should have done, etc. Moo! Moooo!

Mr. Speaker (sponsored by Accurist): Order! Order! The honourable Gentleman is correct will be allowed to finish his question.

Peter Xenophobe: Thank you Mr. Speaker. Does he not agree with me that Britain’s (and our) best interests would be best served by pulling out of Yurp and giving British American Tobacco five hundred million pounds?

The Primecut Minister: My honourable Friend is correct in his assumption that everything we do as a party has been brilliant and I would draw the attention of the House to this wonderful picture George drew of a poor person cleaning his polo stick.

Honourable members: Oink, oink! Bark! Meow! Mooo! Oink! Guffaw!

Mr. Speaker: Order! Order! I will have order! Mr. Jeremy Trotsky…

Honourable members: Does yo Momma dress you like that? Did you borrow that suit from Wurzel Gummage? Has Stephen Fry ever introduced you at an awards ceremony? Quack! Quack!

Jeremy Trotsky (Moscow South) (Lab): My first question comes from a Mrs. Josie GlaxoSmithKline who would like to know…

Honourable members: Agadoo do do! Push pineapple shake the tree! The taste of your lips, I’m on a ride. You’re toxic I’m slippin’ under! Arf! Arf!

Mr. Speaker: Order! You guttersnipes will not prevent the member from Moscow South from making himself heard. He will be heard or I will send you all to Miss Spanky’s Bottom Shop in Earls Court for a sound disciplining. Mr. Trotsky…

Jeremy Trotsky: Thank you Mr. Speaker and thank you to Mrs. GlaxoSmithKline – who would like to know why the government is doing everything it can to help tobacco companies sell evil electronic cigarettes that cause migraines and sow the seeds for civil unrest and not help little British pharmaceutical companies make bigger profits?

The Primecut Minister: Clearly the honourable Gentleman is unaware of the billions of pounds we gave to arms manufacturers last year. This money will trickle down to pharmaceutical companies the minute ordnance is released from two miles up, onto the North of England. It’s almost like he doesn’t want the resulting wounded and dying to receive pain relief. For shame, Mr. Speaker! For shame!

Honourable members: Ra! Ra! Ra! For he’s a jolly good fellow! My old man’s a dustman, he wears a Commie hat! Boo yar sucks!

Mr. Speaker: Order! ORDER! None of you batty-fangs will collie shangle proceedings with your nanty narking. This is a serious process that the world looks up to as a model of perfect democracy. Mr. Kenneth Cigar…

Ken Cigar (Non-executive Chairman West) (Con): Does my honourable Friend agree with me that by supporting the inferior e-cig and not the advanced vaping products we are proving that we care about equality and fairness?

The Primecut Minister: Indeed. And in reply I would like to state that the Leader of the Opposition has all the appearance of a fart in a Happy Shopper carry bag who can’t sing.

Mr. Speaker: Order. Mrs. Diane Hackney…

Diane Hackey (Pfizer East) (Lab): Hackney hackney hackney. Hackney hackney. Hackney hackney hackney hackney hackney hackney hackney. Hackney?

Honourable members: Neigh! Whiney! Yelp! Felch! Barf! Yuk yuk yuk!

Mr. Speaker: *sigh*

The Primecut Minister: Hands up everybody who likes me!

Mr. Speaker: Order! I order everyone to order in the subsidised bar.

Honourable members: Huzzah! Nosh! Nosh! Slurp! *backslap* Burp