Saturday Night at the Movies

Picture the scene: you are sitting on a bench at the seaside. The sun is making you feel good, good enough to ignore the tedious noise from the seagulls. You take the mod from your pocket, press the button and inhale. How could anything be more perfect? Well, obviously a beer might help. And maybe someone is sitting by your side that loves you more than looking at the screen of their smartphone. Yep, perfect.

Wrong.

It would be perfect if both people were celebrities. You are not a celebrity and you’ve not been in a film – at least not one we’ve watched. Now imagine that the man is Leonardo Di Caprio, enjoying the Blackpool vista and soaking in sounds of stag and hen parties drunkenly stumbling past. And consider the sitting next to Leo is that woman from Enchanted who combines beauty with the ability to make vermin do the entire household chores. And maybe those idiots from Geordie Shore are the stag and hen party. Impeccable. This is how the Stealthvape vape movie about vaping begins – with celebrities in love and minor celebrities having a loud fight that offends bystanders.

Now it may be the case that we haven’t written the screenplay, and it may be the case that we have to relocate from Blackpool to a far-flung tropical island, but any story arc that begins and ends in a vape cloud is going to sweep the floor at the next Academy Awards ceremony.

Let’s see Stanton Glantz complain about famous people normalising smoking then. Let’s see him attack the stars of the Stealthvape movie when the world has fallen in love with them for that scene where halfway through the car chase it diverts through a zoo. A zoo full of celebrity animals. That cross-eyed lion from Daktari, he’ll be there. And the talking horse. And Skippy, Lassie, Scooby Doo and Flipper. And they’ll all be vaping because they’re cool.

Does your pet dog vape, Stanton? Has he heard about the cast of Happy Feet toking away and though “Oh boy, I want to be cool like them and it looks so normal and everything”? Of course he hasn’t because vaping doesn’t work like that. You fool, Stanton. Vaping celebrity animals do not normalise smoking either.

There’ll be space ships, motorbikes, superheroes, a love interest, someone destroying the Death Star and a character who has cracking one-liners. It will all take place against a story of a simple man who spends his days posting on an online forum and sharing pictures of cats on Twitter. Vape – The Movie will be the greatest thing you see in whatever year it’s released. Of course, all characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.