Stealthvape’s Free-range Range

“Hey Stealthvape,” say the messages. We read them with interest even though we’d be more interested in completing online quizzes to discover which kind of plankton or Coronation Street character we are. “Hey Stealthvape, I’m really into saving the planet and things so when are you going to get with it and help me save it too?”

Now, that’s when. Of course, if you wanted to be pedantic, and we’re going to be, we’ve been saving it for a while. We’ve collected lots of grass in the garden, there are several jars of preserved air on the shelves and the recycling of unwashed socks has been taken to another level. But it has been our long-held aim to take this expertise and apply it to vape equipment.

First, we gave you wire. Then we introduced many types of wire. So it seems only appropriate that our new CFC-free wire is the first down the catwalk of celebration. How many other kanthal-type wire providers currently provide their products listed as free from chlorofluorocarbons? We’re willing to bet none. Until now. Saving the ozone layer will never have been so much fun.

It’s not just the kanthal-type products benefitting from this cleaner, greener approach to the environment. All of our wire products now come with a 100% guarantee that none of them have been factory farmed. We insist that all of our suppliers provide us with a certificate of conformity, confirming that the reels have been cosseted in beds of luxury from when they were but tiny slivers of metal and fed nothing but the juiciest natural oil

If our reels of wire were animals they would be little baby lambs, frolicking in sunny meadows, handfed from milk bottles by smiling shepherdesses and watched over by a friendly, cuddly dog.

Next up, the new range of atomiser tanks made with greenhouse effect glass. Just like real greenhouses, the glass absorbs energy and thereby reduces the need for so much of it to be supplied by the battery. This is real science in action. Less energy being required from the cell means less wasted energy hanging around bus shelters and destroying our communities.

The organic atomisers come with a range of optional extras to convert various types of energy into something useable. There is the motion-sensor attachment so you can use your own wave energy, shake your hand at the mod and the coil will preheat. Stick the windmill attachment on the side for vaping on cliff tops or near politicians. We’ve thought of everything.

And say hello to the new range of cruelty-free wicks. We have put a block on any of our cotton or silica coming to us from back street abattoirs – and have also insisted that none of it is tested on puppy dogs.

Finally, as a company known for taking the technological lead in this industry, we are putting the finishing touches to the greatest, safest and cleanest advance known to vape-kind. Our Atomic Hybrid mod will set new standards in device safety. Just imagine, only a couple of years ago nobody would have considered putting a 5kW nuclear reactor just centimetres away from their mouth. No need to thank us, it’s just what we do.