A Fairer Competition

And this is where Stealthvape comes in. We led the way with the introduction of the eight-day vaping week, we created sub & over-ohming – and we now bring you the fairest possible competition known to vapekind.

The problem, as we see it, all began with the move to change school sports days from having a competitive bent to ones where every child partakes in a series of dull events and everybody wins something. It has had serious ramifications for society at large and ended up with everyone being asked to clean for the Queen – with no prize at all. No Like & Share, no random draw video, no nothing except an online picture of Michael Gove wearing a safety hat (in case he gets hit by an errant empty packet of Walkers Crisps) and a front room full of bin bags.

Now, obviously, some people might be very appreciative of that alluring photo of Gove. We have no intention of judging them and their deviant preferences. What we are calling for is a more inclusive kind of giveaway format for vaping, that’s all. Preferably one not involving the Right Honorable Mike.

Many have expressed their dissatisfaction at competitions that discriminate against vapers who do not have a Facebook account. Others feel competitions run solely on Twitter count them out, as they do not have a Twitter account. Some have indicated that running a competition that doesn’t have a decent prize offends their sense of entitlement. We hear you all.

So here it is: The Great Stealthvape Competition. What’s up for grabs, we hear you clamour? What isn’t on the table more like! You want mods? You want atomisers? You want the world and everything in it? Game on!

First prize, out of a total of one prize, is everything ever made that is vaping related. Everything*. We’ve been diligently storing one of all the things ever made on a specially constructed artificial island three miles east of Sunderland. The boxes currently stand 142 feet high and cover 19 acres. It’s the best prize since Toyah presented a signed Top of the Pops album to the 1978 winner of Northamptonshire’s Young Miss Personality of the Year.

How do you win it?

In order to ensure fairness to people without certain social media accounts we will be doing this analogue style. First, write you name on an envelope and post it to David Cameron expressing your interest in being considered. Next, have a painting made of you vaping while standing next to the Pope at the British Superbikes round at Silverstone, and send it by carrier pigeon to Bob Carolgees. And the final of the three qualification events requires you to perform something enabling you to be listed in the 2017 Guinness Book of World Records. The time spent in a bath of baked beans looks the easiest. We anticipate many of you getting to this stage.

The next phase will determine our eventual winner. Stealthvape wants a real champion, and real champions know how to wield a sword. Or axe. Or anything really, just so long as you wield it. Wielding is good. The Deathmatch round will see our competitors whittled down from thousands to just one. One true vaping champion who can lay claim to the Isle of Vape prize.

*Terms and conditions apply