TPD III PART TWO

“Dear Stealthvape“, writes one reader. “I used to love vaping – until the TPD came. I’m 62 and have fading eyesight, I haven’t been able to locate my tiny tank for the last two weeks.” Shocking stuff, oh hang on, there’s a PS: “P.S. I’ve no idea how I read your article either.”

We mentioned that every occurrence of “maximum” in the TPD II will be altered to “minimum” in our TPD III paper. So, 2ml tanks will now be the smallest you can buy and everybody will have to get used to buying super-sized bottles. True, it’s been pointed out that not everybody wants to be sub-ohming 20mg+, but we think vapers will get used to it in time.

“Dear Stealthvape,” writes another reader. “I’ve been reading your second article about the TPD and it makes a lot of sense. What I would suggest is that if we are going to have juice that’s seven times stronger that our usual liquids then all we need to do is spend seven times less time inhaling.”

Wow! Sometimes you people amaze us, what genius. A solution that’s more elegant than a mathematical problem solved by Leonhard Euler. Reducing vaping times by a factor of seven could be a huge selling point to the public health community. It’s snappy, just the kind of thing that’s vital when conveying complex ideas to people too busy banking their pharmaceutical company cheques to be bothered doing proper research.

Another aspect of TPD II that fell short of the mark was that of public safety. It has become glaringly obvious that vapers need protecting – not from shoddy products but from the actions of stupid vapers. The market is suffering from the bad publicity caused by these stupid vapers who seem to be oblivious to how one should store juice or charge a battery. Also, stupid journalists who don’t know the difference between their gluteus maximus and their cubitus.

Take this tale, for example:

Laura White saw smoke coming out of her handbag. “Oh no,” she probably thought. “I wonder what could be causing that?”

The answer, according to both Laura and Lindsey Hamilton (reporter for the Dundee Evening Telegraph), was that her “e-cigarette lighter” had exploded into flames for no reason at all. Go, go click on the link and marvel at “Laura White, manageress of Douglas Sports Club, with her handbag and the e-cigarette lighter.”

“Only five weeks ago, it was in a suitcase in the hold of a plane as we flew off on holiday. I dread to think what would have happened if it had caught fire in the bag in the plane.”

Consequently, the major change in TPD III will be a section that stipulates people like Laura have to pass an exam in Mod Ownership before being allowed to make any purchases – and they will have to complete an online quiz when attempting to buy plane tickets.

“Dear Stealthvape,” writes our final person. “I live in Dundee, and I agree with everything you’ve just said.”