The Year That Was 2015

 

2014 was rubbish so, in an attempt to be more efficient, I’m writing a review of 2015 now. It will probably all be true. In case it isn’t I’ll substitute a 6 for a 5 next December and be quids in. This writing lark is easy.

January

Scientists proved vaping was 100 times safer than smoking. The WHO greeted this great news by stating that electronic cigarettes should be banned from cars and @ir8vaperz tweeted “prof glantz iz dumb lol”.

JD Tech released a brand new Stingray made from steel and replete with steel accents for a bargain £185

February

BBC launches Celebrity Vaping On Ice, a program so popular the rest of television was cancelled. Gary Barlow launches his own flavour range but failed to submit a tax return as his business wasn’t liquid.

JD Tech released a brand new Stingray made from steel and replete with brass accents for a bargain £190

March

Barry Victorian-Beard, UKIP election candidate, stated that vaping was the missing link between homosexuality and the decline of the British artisan biscuit industry. After a venomous campaign by outraged vapers across social media he later said his words had been taken out of context due to someone listening.

JD Tech released a brand new Stingray made from brass and replete with copper accents for a bargain £200

April

As my birthday fell somewhere in the middle, I spent most of this month drunk. The only thing I remember is that I wanted the new JDT mod but didn’t get it. My family hates me.

JD Tech released a brand new Stingray made from copper and replete with brass accents for a bargain £250

May

Dr Konstantinos Farsalinos sought funding for finding the link between Martin McKee’s job title and his inability to engage with the public. No conclusions could be drawn from the resulting data. @Johnrashton47 questioned @ir8vaperz’s parentage on Twitter before blocking him.

JD Tech released a brand new Stingray made from cheese and replete with cracker accents for a bargain £300

June

The first regulated box mod with a true 1,000W capability released to critical acclaim. Additional features included the ability to prevent toxins from being produced by the coil, a sensor indicating the optimum time to rewick and a facility to boil water for Pot Noodles.

JD Tech released a brand new Stingray made from Jeremy Clarkson and replete with Ferrari accents for a bargain £400

July

Youtube featured the first negative vape review – questions were asked in Parliament. @ir8vaperz tweeted “this is just like ameravape all over again but for the first time lol #shocked”

JD Tech released a brand new Stingray made from the Queen’s corgis and replete with posh accents for a bargain £500

August

Vapefest ran over a full fortnight on Canvey Island where Diablo Mods gave away a container truck full of hybrids to one lucky winner. “I’ve only used my eGo and Evod to date but look forward to spending the next three years wicking them all,” said a smiling Gary Codface from Darlington.

JD Tech released a brand new Stingray made from the Turin shroud and rubies for a bargain £1000.

September

The beginning of the new school year found teachers facing compulsory random nicotine testing. Professor Muppet, Public Health England, explained that such measures were essential if we were “going to keep bike sheds free for Dazza and Shannice to grab a crafty fag instead of going to Maths.”

JD Tech released a brand new disposable Stingray made from toilet rolls and sticky-back plastic for a bargain £25,000.

October

Stealthvape released sneak details of this year’s Xmas product – based on the space ship Event Horizon’s gravity drive.

China released the clone of next month’s JD Tech mod before JDT thought about making it. JDT announced a partnership with the Devil and planed for the acquisition of the soul of vaping.

November

Vape fashion hit the catwalks of Paris and Milan: vapers could now stealth vape by using the cunning combination of wearable tech and haute couture.

JD Tech bought China on Ebay and cloned themselves in a freakish accident just like that one in The Fly with Jeff Goldblum.

December

Celebrity Vaping On Ice did a Christmas special crossover with Top Gear, widely held as being the best television program ever made. Sales of Stealthvape’s Gravity Drive™ continued despite concerns over Rob developing an evil sentience and telepathic abilities. Meanwhile vaping commentators predicted that 2016 would be the year electronic cigarettes finally achieve political and public health endorsement.

Brundlefly Tech re-released January’s JDT mod with a special edition bumbag, retailing at half a million pounds.