The Stealthvape School of Vape

Dear parents, pupils, staff and the visiting team from Ofsted,

Firstly, let me welcome you all to the start of the new year, one in which I hope you all go on to demonstrate higher levels of excellence compared to last year. While some might claim this is easy to achieve, I would like to point out that the deputy head (Mr Jenkins) is sticking to his story that the locked cupboard containing last year’s exam papers really did spontaneously combust – rendering all of Year 11 with unclassified grades. As he previously worked as a magician and children’s entertainer we defer to his expertise on such matters.

Our plans for the winter trip to France is in full swing, thanks to Mrs Ling (Geography and afterschool cap-wearing club). Students going on the educational excursion will be visiting the historic town of Calais. Accommodation will be in an assortment of three-star tents, rather excitingly described as being located “in a jungle”. Parents should allow £100 per child in spending money. They will be given an opportunity to go shopping for alcohol, cigarettes and flick knives on the Thursday afternoon. Children should remember that they will be representing us all during the trip and so vaping is not permitted.

The cricket 1^st XI will be pleased to hear that we have been able to repair the pavilion, accidentally razed to the ground following the record defeat to the Blaggers Borstal XI. We would like to remind parents that leaving batteries charging next to the propane tank is prohibited for future fixtures.

In a similar freak incident, eliquid making classes are experiencing disruption following an incident with several large jars of chlorine in the chemistry laboratory. I am sure the whole school joins me in sending best wishes to Mr Rathbone. We are willing you on to a speedy recovery; I hear they do amazing things with artificial lungs now.

Finally, I am going to take this opportunity to remind pupils that we would not have a school were it not for Stealthvape Ltd sponsoring the establishment. While desks and chairs made from Kanthal would not be our first choice, they are highly functional and very resistant to graffiti. Mr Knowles, our hard working and probably background-checked caretaker, is busy gluing packs of Muji and Cotton Bacon to the seats. We expect the work to be completed by the Easter break so grin and bear it until then.

Best regards,

The Head.