The Stealthvape Personal Problems Helpdesk

Stealthvape’s helpdesk has been inundated of late. While we endeavour to deal with issues in a timely and constructive fashion we are unfortunately unable to assist with some problems…especially yours Mr R Venn of Bath; you really need to stop emailing that personal graphic picture and go see the urologist.

Let’s be clear here, no one manning the desk has what we would term official medical training. Personally, I’ve read all of James Herriot’s books (except for ‘Blossom Comes Home‘ and ‘Smudge, the Little Lost Lamb‘); Rob has Casualty on Blu-ray and Emma paid close attention when Madge was hospitalised in ITV’s Benidorm. But none of this qualifies us to answer those types of questions, Mr Venn.

We do know our stuff when it comes to Glantzism, though.

Firstly, have you suddenly discovered that you are desperately afraid of particulates? Worse, do you find yourself in a confused state because you are unsure what particulates are, how they got into your house and why the Home Office isn’t putting a limit to the numbers gaining access to the country? Maybe it has happened to someone close to you? Maybe it has happened to someone far away that you don’t like very much?

Particulates are small, foreign bodies, hard to see and almost impossible to have delivered if you live in a village. Stanton Glantz, hence the name of the disease, is petrified about particulates…vaping produces oodles of them apparently and he is overly concerned about the size. Yes, Mr Venn. I am fully aware that we are discussing size but that does not mean I’m going to address your issue – no matter how ultrafine yours is. Men like Glantz have a history of being overly concerned about size. Although commonplace, it is still misguided and irrational. So, could someone suffering from Glantzism rationalise her or his way out of this dilemma?

Let’s try an analogy.

Imagine an obnoxious adult; let’s call them Mr R Venn of Bath for sake of argument. Mr Venn is repugnant, easy to see (albeit offensive to the eyes) and therefore possible to avoid. But now imagine that person as a child. Does being smaller make them more dangerous? Clearly not, unless they remain in charge of an articulated truck doing 58mph on the open road. The size of Venn junior in no way increases danger to others although it makes it easier for him to creep up on you unannounced.

Let’s try another: Imagine being placed in a sealed sauna. In this room you will be breathing in loads of ultrafine water particles. Now imagine the sealed room is filled with water with you in it. If you find that mental image as disturbing as I found Mr Venn’s picture then this is probably an opportune moment to relax and find our happy place: imagine the sealed room filled with water and Stanton Glantz in it.

As Mark Twain said, “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” It’s not the size of a particle that poses danger to vapers, it’s what that particle is, Mr Glantz. And, if that particle is nicotine then it poses no greater risk to the health of a vaper than has already been documented in the peer-reviewed studies you are choosing to ignore.

So, dear reader, you can see there is no reason to be alarmed at the outbreak of Glantzism. What can not be solved with a liberal application of common sense can always be cured using the sealed, water-filled room.

*Next week: Mr R Venn of Bath raises a question regarding the use of euphemisms and the word ‘mod’.