The limited edition UKavape Competition blog post

Like “Competition” mods this post is using the word “Competition” to imply a higher level of performance from the typing and use of images. Clearly it will be the hard-core readers who are staying at home over Friday and Saturday, the seasoned people who know what works for them and have no need to go stagger about drunk in a field. Elitists who appreciate top quality performance. Elitists like you; wordsmiths who can tell the difference between iambic pentameter and dactylic hexameter.

At this point it needs to be pointed out that this “Competition” post is not dangerous. Some reviewers have commented that the exacting standards designed into this post have left it liable to explode like a set of blue balls. Let’s be perfectly clear about this, no reader got in touch with me regarding the concerns they had over this and I would postulate that they aren’t even qualified readers to begin with. What the flip gives them the right to cast aspersions on the performance of this “Competition” post? Nothing, that’s what – according to the expensive legal team assembled for just this kind of eventuality.

Unlike cloned posts this one has had no copy pasting. Absolutely no cheap Chinese people were employed to bang out words with scant regard for the safety of the reader. Now, I know what some people are thinking, they’re thinking “But what about those videos of you showing people how to use CTRL-C and CTRL-V on YouTube?” The answer is quite simple – shut up. I’m going to sue everyone who ever expresses that opinion. I don’t care how many people are involved; I’ll sue the entire world if I want to. In fact, if I’m hungover, I might just sue them all and their families. Twice.

“Competition” posts need to be appreciated for what they are – a method of giving back to my bank account as quickly as possible while I fail to make the repayments on my computer. And don’t think for one second I haven’t seen the tweets about how employees in Shenzhen are being put out of work due to me not meeting my hire purchase obligations to Apple. I’m going to sue them all as well. How’ja like them, Apples?

In fact, at the rate I’m going, I will be making more money from suing everyone than I will from producing “Competition” posts. Which is fortunate seeing as I note that others are talking about producing versions of this “Competition” post. I simple can’t allow such confusion to exist, no one will know if they are reading the original “Competition” post or a pale imitation so I’m not going to produce anymore. Until next week.

Apologies to all the websites currently holding examples of my “Competition” posts online. I realise that my actions have now ensured that they will all sit there unread but (to be brutally honest) I just don’t care.

Any similarity to the behaviour depicted in this “Competition” blog post and the way some people carry themselves in business is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction, the product of a land of the free thought association.

Peace out.