The Horrors

It is clear from the abuse I’ve received this week on one social media platform that people adore to get into a tizz over nothing important. The advice I’ve always received from my wife is to ignore idiots when they’re doing stupid things. But what does she know? She never ignores me and my life is an ever-growing list of ill-advised actions.

Spending time worrying about the things no one else appears to be worrying about is just one of those imprudent time killers – and so I give you vaping kinemortophobics. It’s one thing to run out of juice during a working day, it’ll be another thing entirely to drop to the last bar of battery charge during the middle of a zombie apocalypse.

A cursory scan of the interwebz will pull up 12,200,000 results; buy a survival kit, advice of what essential components ought to be and how to ensure survival. From a feeble plastic device for a couple of quid to a full-blown £349 Gerber flesh-hacking kit, the apocalypse may not be imminent but the fears of one have produced an online market.

But what’s it worth? What is the point in staggering around hunting the undead and living off fried mice if there’s no vape? What the flip is going on vendors – don’t you care about us once the undead have risen?

Clearly not.

We care. We love you and want to live together on a boring farm like Season 2 of the Walking Dead. Vape Camp is going to be the go-to location for those who wish to avoid a non-life biting necks.

Firstly, get stocking that freezer. In the hours after the news breaks that the world is going to hell in a handcart you’ll need to DIY juice and fill multiple litre containers. Although a number of juice vendors think the mail service is going to continue to operate as normal (what with it already being run by zombies) the likelihood is strong that eliquid deliveries may suffer.

Next, batteries do not charge themselves. If you haven’t already got a solar charger (schoolboy error), hop in the car and ram-raid Maplin. If you haven’t already obtained a lifetime supply of cotton, silica and wire then you are going to have to be inventive with tampons and cables you strip from walls.

Which leaves devices: It’s not enough to have something that vapes. Stuff needs to double up. An eGo and an Evod may appear to be ideal for lightweight vaping on the run – but when you are stuck in a warehouse as the hordes close in the best they’ll achieve is close quarters eye damage. Throwing the kit to the other end of the room in order to make a distracting noise is probably the best use they’ll see (although incorrectly recharging it can start a handy fire for making a nice mouse stew).

No, just like an Igo-L will do nothing more than bounce off a decomposing face, the vape gear you need will have to be able to deliver serious damage as well as giving a rewarding cloud.

The solid structure of a Piccolo and Spheroid are more than sufficient to make puncture wounds and will cause brain damage to walkers. It should be noted that the drip tip will probably remain in the victim and infected blood will contaminate the wadding, rendering unable to be vaped. This is a one-use emergency killing device only.

Heft is what we need here. A simple box mod might be useful for inflicting blunt-force trauma, or tripping over a clumsy corpse. The thin walls and poor build quality will prevent these mods from repeatedly being able to keep you living and breathing.

Something like the 26650 Black Oak was made for the apocalypse. Nothing to break, serrated frontage and a massive bulk makes this the choice of champions. It will take out an entire horde and still function for that evening’s cloud chasing competition. Indeed, a decent cloud may help you evade death – something worth bearing in mind.

For the purist, the person who wants the ultimate in denying the undead an ability to exist, there are the twin vape weapons in the Ehuge and the Congestus. Crowds will gather to watch you expertly despatch staggering plague carriers. Mass and length turn these into impressive survival tools.

See you out there.