The 2015 Awards

Petition of the Year

Never before have so many been asked to sign so much so many times. The only petition we haven’t seen is a petition to stop petitions. Some of these have been very worthwhile – the Totally Wicked petition deserved all of our support to lend weight to their legal action. Likewise, Clive Bates’ petition attacking the TPD and the recent (and essential to sign it if you haven’t yet) 100K Campaign are highly commendable. But in a field of strong competition, we have to award the prize this year to the amazing Save Vaping petition – the only petition where you can invalidate your signature by obtaining a T-shirt saying you saved vaping. Here’s to Greenpeace giving away free petrol in cans labelled “I saved everyone from global warming”.

Shed of the Year

It’s very easy to be flippant about things but no one should underestimate the importance of a good backdrop for a YouTube video – it’s probably the most important thing in vaping. Some YouTubers think it is important to show you they live in a Comet showroom, others film their shows inside a cardboard box. Only one man has the perspicacity to use a shed. Sheds are part of the fibre of this country – if sheds aren’t celebrated then the terrorists win. Huzzah for Todd’s shed.

Idiot Move of the Year

It’s been a tight call in this category as so many have gone above and beyond in attempt to lift the title. Whether it has been politicians attempting to force through de facto bans or anti-ecig activists lying about research, we’ve been spoilt for options to exclaim “My word, what idiots!” As vaping has faced the strongest opposition around the world ever, some vape companies decided that they would attack…err…vapers and vape companies. For everyone who has sent out a Cease & Desist letter because they wanted to cover up the truth about their products – you are all joint winners.

Handbags of the Year

Handbags, as everyone knows, are even more important than sheds. Especially when the bag contains two bricks and a Cease & Desist letter. Following on from the last award: strange people run some companies. They seem to believe that the best way to win admirers and customers is to live their lives in Caps-loc. Five Pawns must get an honourable mention as runners-up for trying to obfuscate test results on their juice range – but it wasn’t good enough to win this year’s coveted prize. So step forward and collect you prize Fernando Solis of Hyon Mods. His spat that inspired two glorious videos from Vaping with Vic  made for great entertainment. Unfortunately, Mr Solis can’t be here with us tonight and so we would like to ask Vic to collect the jpg on his behalf.

Vapefest of the Year

It can be very difficult to out-do yourself when you have already attained a level of excellence. Like a man’s razor – surely they can’t manage to add one more blade and make it even better, and yet they do. Likewise, Vapefest continued to leap up to a whole new level this year. In fact, the only downside is the concern regarding if there can be one in 2016 given the latest pronouncements from the government. So, well done to Vapefest 2015, worthy winners and only candidates for the Vapefest award.

Forum Joke of the Year

The social media is a tricky place to navigate. The written word is cast adrift from the context given by visual cues and vocal inflection – what can appear like a light-hearted quip to the writer is suddenly interpreted as an insult on everything a reader holds dear. More words ensue; someone invokes Godwin’s Law and the sound of e-Tears fill the internetz. So, well done to everybody for posting a picture of Sting or Leslie Ash whenever the word Mod is used. We all appreciate you effort to be witty and you can feel proud of your contributions – but everyone who posted a picture of a tank can feel justly proud and have the use of the winners’ jpg for the whole of 2016.

Complaint of the Year

All vendors will have their own stories and we’ve heard many of them (we all talk to each other). Some customers have been concerned that their vendors haven’t anticipated the order and cycled it around to their house 15 minutes before the online transaction was made. Other customers have expressed disgust that vendors have the audacity to charge for postage. Our winner though goes to the Stealthvape customer who genuinely believed that we were profiteering to a disgusting level with our exclusive Oscillation Overthrusters.

For the record, we make a loss on every £125,000 sale.

Thing That We Can’t Talk About In Case It’s Used To Ban Vaping of the Year

Frequent mentions of XXXXXXXX or XXX XXXX XXXXXXXXXX are removed on social media so that some sections of forums end up resembling a redacted chemical weapons report. XXXXXXXX users must be wondering if the same response would happen if vape devices could be used for vaping XXXXXXX or enhancing a XXXXX. Aha, it seems like these are automatically censored too. 2015’s winner then is XXXXXXXXX.

Not-Vapefest of the Year

There is only one Vapefest but life is not like the Highlander film, there can be more than one. This year there were three more than one in the UK. That’s four, there were four vape events this year. In trying to work out which one would win this hotly contested category we had to appraise a number of qualities, like: Did they serve beer? Did the beer run out? And, how many bags of Freeshit™ was it possible to go home with? The process was more intensive than a school Ofsted inspection but ultimately hinged on one vital thing – did we manage to visit it? As such the Vape Expo UK beat off the other challengers to lift the top prize. Well done Vape Expo UK for being something we attended. Given our love of staying in bed all weekend this was no mean feat.

Forum of the Year

Some might think that a field of one is not expansive and barely reflects the excellent options out there. Some might think that but we encountered huge problems trying it another way. One minute we were debating “Best Forum”, the next we had spent seventeen hours locked inside Mumsnet. Fortunately the shopping needed doing and the break snapped us back to our senses. To time to watch Ash vs. The Evil Dead we renamed it the Forum (that we advertise on) of the Year award. Congratulations go to Planet Of The Vapes, we love advertising with you and really appreciate the Vendor of the Month award we won.

Ostrich of the Year

It takes skill and practice to make it appear as though you are listening to someone and yet at the same time imagining bunnies frolicking in meadows. Oh sure, most married couples do it to a semi-professional standard but it takes a politician’s effort to elevate it to full pro status. Lame Duck Drakeford sat through hours of submissions by experts telling him vaping is good, got the results of a Welsh government funded survey demonstrating that there’s no gateway effect – and yet still believes that a threat he can’t prove exists needs banning in case it appears in the future like the Rapture or a New Kids On The Block comeback tour. Feel free to use the jpg all year on your website, Mark, you earned it.

Stupid of the Year

This year there has been: Too. Much. Stupid.

The Californian Department for Public Health saying that there is such a thing as third-hand nicotine is still as duh as it was in January. Martin McKee (he really is a professor) telling folks that vaping can lead to cocaine addiction was a real head-stuck-in-railings moment. How about the ban on vaping in the great outdoors of North America? It probably renormalises Smoky the Bear or something. People continuing to use subohm tanks on hybrid mods or setting fire to their homes with dodgy chargers is now too commonplace to be even worth thinking about any longer. No, it has to be the UK government/Department of Health’s proposals for the implementation of the TPD. Any piece of regulation that stops vape companies advertising, that blocks forums and social media groups on Facebook and the like and restricts freedom of speech in public is abhorrently stupid – and that is why we encourage everybody to sign the 100K Campaign. The Rt Hon Jeremy Hunt MP can collect his jpg when he promises to scrap the proposals.

Ban of the Year

Attempted bans don’t get a look in here – you tried, dear legislators, but you failed and fail to win the lovely jpg as a result. You failed in Wales and in California, leaving the award wide open to the authorities in New Jersey. The dullards who organised Vape Expo NJ thought the law wouldn’t apply to them – but it did. Vaping was banned…from a vape event. Will this happen in Britain next year? Promoters Andy Balogh and Don Miller will have to share the jpg with health Nazi Jay Elliot.

Vendor of the Year

It would be too easy to make Stealthvape the winner of this award. We were surprised exactly how easy – and awarded it to ourselves. There’s no rules prohibiting this kind of thing apparently, you’d have thought there would be a government department dedicated to the elimination of self-promotion…but then what would Peter Andre do with his days? Fear not, we created a 1^st equal winner. We could have come to our decision based on things such as type of products sold or customer service or any of a thousand other criteria. We didn’t. We chose Vape Geek because Nat is lovely and Rob has an awesome name. There should be more people called Rob. We could have called the award “Best Rob” but then there’d have been no 1^st equal.

Reviewer Who Looks Most Like A Puffin of the Year

We like puffins. Actually we love puffins and everything about them. We love their bills, their funny walks, the fact that that they are the only sea-based bird to run a publishing house and their name. Puffin. Use it instead of a swear word every time something goes wrong and you’ll have an instant smile back on your face. So when it was suggested that Damian Safer Vaper group Morter bore a passing resemblance to one we felt compelled to whip up a special award just for him.

Scopes of the Year

Keep your friends close, they say, and keep your enemies closer. It’s never made an awful lot of sense; personal space is essential. But then it’s important to keep your juice man exceptionally close – otherwise he’d never be able to fight his way through all the friends and enemies hanging around outside Stealthvape HQ. Scopes fits the bill. And for everyone who doesn’t live next-door to him, Scopes E-Liquid can also use the postal service to deliver fine juice.

Coolest Juice Maker of the Year

We don’t understand popular culture but think it’s important there are juice makers out there who are down with the kids. The hippest bloke in Vapeland knows what is happening from what is not happening – and all the cool people love techno goth, apparently. Many already appreciate that the translation of the Native American word Manabush into English is: “He who moves with dayglo dreads to a pumping beat”. No wonder then that Manabush receive as many letters asking for fashion tips as they do for juice orders.

Vape Accessory of the Year

Let’s be perfectly clear here, the beard is out. Last weekend, a man sat near us in a Nottingham pub. Many questions could have been posed but why anybody would intentionally make himself into a Gary Glitter tribute remains unexplained. As he tugged on his ecig you could imagine him humming one of his never-to-be-heard-again songs to himself. We don’t need that in vaping. The trouble with this award is that it’s related to fashion – and now I think about it there will always be a problem with whatever we award it to. It’s too late to scrub the thing now so let’s just say you can give it to whatever you think rocks. As long as it’s not a baseball cap. Donald Trump wears baseball caps. Please not a baseball cap.

Vaper of the Year

There can only be one winner here – you lot. It’s been a delight to supply you all with wicks, wires and rest all year, a delight and an honour. We’ve been blown away by the wonderful comments you’ve made to us and on the Internet. Whatever the future brings it has been a special year full of special people. You are special and we love you for it. The Stealthvape team want to wish you all a happy holiday and that 2016 brings you nothing but fantastic vapemail.