Storms

Sea is usually found near the shore. It wasn’t this week, it was flying over the top of it and onto the land. It was like rain, but skipping several water cycle steps. The impact was devastating; it was impossible for people (who live near the seaside) to go to the shops without being accosted by a television or radio journalist.

Thanks to a drop in air pressure, and journalist standards, what used to be called a very windy day has now been renamed a “weather bomb”. The wind (must be foreign as it’s coming from across the sea) has become a weather terrorist bent on causing destruction to our way of life. You know it’s as serious as it could get because the Met Office has declared this worthy of an Amber Alert, the most colourful of alerts.

It’s not just the things Doris the Air Bomber is doing, journalists are also imagining ways she will mess us up in the future. Upcoming storm facts, if you will. Or, if you prefer, fiction presented as journalism. Some are predicting that Doris will force Labour voters to stay away from the ballot box in Stoke.

It’s the new age, it’s a time where we don’t have to bother with stupid inconveniences like facts any longer. What? You don’t want to like something? Well simply go ahead and make some stuff up. Traffic jams are caused by the decline of the cooked breakfast. Ant and Dec are responsible for the delays in A&E departments.

Oh, and kids have invented a new, horrific way of doing drugs – it’s called “Dripping”.

Dripping, that newest of new things. That thing where they “drop liquid directly ONTO THE COIL”! Oh you stupid, stupid kids – how could you? Not directly onto the coil for flip sake. Don’t you know that it causes cancer? It must do because this lobotomised pair of space cadets say so; we don’t need no research education. They are “hacking” the e-cigarette to “get stronger hits” and it’s “incredibly dangerous”, so says Rebel Circus.

It’s not just these minor league new media outlets, the traditional press fell for the shock and fear agenda as well. USA Today, Fox, and the Mail all covered this nonsense research. There is one hope: maybe Storm Doris could blow away the people who write such garbage.