Sexy

“Sexy? How do we make this thing sexy? Hang on, why does vaping even need to be sexy, you mad fool?”

Good questions.

Right from the outset, it was obvious that the anti-vaping lobby were worried about sexy advertising. Remember the ab-dabs they had after that advert appeared on television? That one where the woman was talking about doing something incredibly dirty but they pretended it was about vaping? That one The Telegraph described as “sexy as watching someone gutting fish”? Yea, that one. Blimey they hate sexy more than most people hate having to answer the door, when they were on the toilet, only to find it’s people wanting to explain the delights Heaven can offer. They really hate sexy.

It’s because sexy offers a promise of a life only granted to the rich and famous. Well, Fat Dylan claims to be part of life too but it’s common knowledge he lives with his Mum and has never seen Game Of Thrones. There’s no way someone who hasn’t seen GoT leads a sexy life.

And the thing is this; smokers aren’t going to know about the different life they could lead without sexy vape ads. They aren’t going to hanker for a strawberry eliquid if they’ve never seen one, if they haven’t looked on in wonder and wanted to be that person. Or with that person.

So it’s us – we are the sexy advert. Everywhere we go, everything we do, we’ve got to exude the very essence of sexy. Now, for you and me it’s going to be pretty easy. We are sexy beasts. For Fat Dylan it’s going to be a struggle given that he still has half a Full English sitting in his beard from last Friday.

Step 1: Doing the McCririck. It’s all about clothes and style. In order to appear sexy you just look at a picture of John McCririck and not wear anything that John McCririck would wear. Instantly sexy. Well, sexier than John McCririck – and that’s definitely sexier than Fat Dylan.

Step 2: Doing the Ryan. Whenever, wherever, you are vaping just recall the Meg Ryan scene from When Harry Met Sally. Inhale, run your fingers through your hair, lean back, exhale and moan. Try to make it more ‘French foreign film’ moan, as Brits tend to only do the ‘ten things I hate about my life today’ moan. If you don’t have any hair then just improvise. Spaghetti, wool, anything that comes to hand that you could superglue on and flick.

Instantly, people are going to look at you and want to be a part of your life. They will want to be you, with you, on you like fungus and living inside your skin like a cutaneous larva.

Can you imagine this? Two and a half million sexy vapers strutting around being idolised? The future is ours. The future is sexy vaping.