Seeking Justice

Hardly a week goes by on another forum where some gentleman, they always seems to be a male, has suffered what they perceive to be outstandingly bad service. Given that every reputable vendor lists their phone number on their website I can only presume that the UK telephony network is currently creaking like a middle-aged man getting out of a chair. I struggle to think that someone would weight up the option of getting an instant response and willingly opt to write 50 words somewhere that someone is unlikely to read them. And then get really angry there’s been no reply. The solution is simple.

Bored of having a smattering of anonymous people typing abuse on the Internet when someone accuses you of not posting your trade? The resolution can be this swift: Trial by Fire. The process is modest enough; a quad coil is heated using a fresh battery until white-hot then applied to the skin. After three days, when the bandages have been removed, if the skin is starting to heal then it will be clear to all that your wife did indeed post the parcel. Conversely, revealing a festering burn will prove to all that she didn’t lose the receipt from the Post Office because there never was one.

“My mod arrived and didn’t work properly,” might be your complaint. Fear not – Trial by Water will sort everything. After filling the mod with lead it will be tossed into the nearest lake. The serenely floating device will cause the onlooking crowd to gasp with delight and send the vendor rushing to get their chequebook. On the other hand, if it sinks faster than Aston Villa then everyone will know you dropped it when pulling it from the packaging.

Someone sent you a clone and claimed it was genuine? The vendor sent you their shipment of packing materials instead of your order? A person laughed at a picture of a coil you made? A viewer didn’t like your YouTube review? For these and all other situations not yet covered we offer the final solution: Trial by Combat.

For too long disputes like this have (not been) settled by who could type the most swear words into an email. Like Leon Humphreys, we think Trial by Combat is the reasonable way to settle the matter. When faced with a DVLC £25 fine, Leon offered to take on a clerk from Swansea with “samurai swords, Ghurka knives or heavy hammers”.

We can recognise common sense even if the magistrates in Bury St Edmunds can’t – and we’re sure you agree. If you’d like to offer these solutions to people you sell to or trade with then be advised we will be stocking an excellent range of gibbets, stocks, ropes and pointy things. 700 years ago is the future and the future is medieval.