On things that are worse than vaping

One of my pastimes is to live in a fantasy world planning for the moment when a drab reality is changed forever by a statistically improbable lottery event. I will happily paw over the Rightmove app looking at multi-million pound properties. I can justify this as if I don’t win a jackpot I will have an excellent working knowledge of the floor plans of the rich if I turn to a life of crime. Now, winning the lottery is virtually impossible – I am not sure of the actual statistic but I’m sure that I am more likely to be struck by truck loaded with White Lightening than win. Especially considering I never buy a ticket.

Some of the properties in the Lake District go for £1.8-£5million. One would imagine that if you are rich enough to afford such residences that you ought to be able pay for good health. Odd then that someone should choose to live next to the Sellafield nuclear plant. Physicists might be able to explain the reliable and safe nature of such places but I know one thing from life – if the guide on the tour bus is telling you to look at a rare duck out of the left window you just know there’s a terrorist using a piece of fissile material to fight with a jet-pack enabled shark out of the right one.

But, the damage I am doing to my psyche by frittering away unrecoverable moments through window-shopping pales into insignificance compared to the threat posed by comedy. Statistics from a survey I just made up demonstrates that 83% of people attending a Jimmy Carr event never recover from the brain damage he inflicts upon them. Poor comedy isn’t the only risk, doing good comedy is pretty lethal too (Eric Morecambe/Sid James/Tommy Cooper) – which is why I consciously guard against the dangers by trotting out rehashed routines from Michael McIntire in order to prevent anyone finding me remotely funny. You want more proof? Frankie Howard, Ronnie Barker and Russell Howard: all dead, albeit one just in a persistent vegetative state.

Most accidents in the home do not result from a battery being incorrectly charged or children drinking pints of nicotine base. No, two other sources rank much higher: cooking and DIY. To reduce your risk profile it is strongly advised you avoid both of these by becoming comfortable living in squalor and avail yourself of the many fast food delivery services. The added benefit to this is the creation of additional time to coil, wick and shop online for more vaping ephemera.

Stress is a killer, they say. They don’t say that about vaping well, some might but they’ll presently cease due to online bullying. Moving and divorce are claimed to be two of the most stressful things you can do. Clearly the people responsible for assessing this have never tried to speak to 3’s customer services, cancel a SKY subscription or enter a CAPTCHA code.

All told, there are many things in life worthy of avoiding in order to live more healthily but vaping (instead of smoking) isn’t one of them.