New Year Vape Resolutions

My first resolution is going to be that I never buy anything with ‘competition’ in the title. This is like saying I resolve to continue enjoying sex in 2015 (due to the probability that I’m unlikely to be attacked by a 1970s celebrity). I don’t ‘sub’, more power to you if you do, but it’s not something I can be bothered with. So, my resolution is to continue enjoying a Kayfun at 1.3Ω.

“But that’s shit,” you say. “With that resolution you aren’t pushing any envelopes.”

Yes. But if I wanted to do that I’d be working in a stationary shop. I live in my comfort zone with a pair of Springers (at my feet as I type). I like tanks. I’m a tank man. I love being a tank man because it sounds a damn sight more butch than being a Kayfun fanboy. Like a male version of Tankgirl.

So, I also resolve to stop buying everything claiming to be the new Kayfun. They are, it’s not a lie. They are all the products of hard work and clever thinking to answer the ‘how can we build a better Kayfun?’ question. I bought most of them this year but, apart from the Heron, I’m left sitting here with my 3.1 and four KFLs. I’m not even going to buy the new Kayfun that actually is the new Kayfun.

“Shut up, you just aren’t trying.”

Yes, I know. But it’s getting more difficult as we go down the page. I suffer from bi-polar II, GAD and a personality disorder (like you couldn’t guess the last one) – compulsive purchasing is, to me, what annoying the world is to Katie Hopkins, TV non-celebrity. It’s, well, a compulsion. Not buying the new Kayfun will be nigh on impossible no matter how much I attempt to rationalise against it. It will be like trying not to hurl invective into Katie Hopkin’s horse-like face should she pop round for a coffee unannounced.

The same with the whole sub-ohming thing; I’ve found myself drawn to the Kanger Subtank more than any clearo-type atty since I left them. It reminds me of the time I dumped this girl when I was 16. She wasn’t what I was looking for in a girl as she lacked two essential qualities: a) thinking I was brilliant and b) ravaging me on an hourly basis.

Six months later and I saw her again – she’d transformed into a vision of loveliness and I vowed to make her mine. Predictably, she still lacked those two essential qualities; but then ravaging would be off the cards while she found me annoying and repugnant. I wonder then if the looks of the Subtank are simply that, I wonder if it would be another forced, unrewarding relationship destined for frustration and disappointment?

Worse, I’m pretty sure I’m the Subtank in this analogy. Hell, that means I’m a tank. Brilliant. It also means I’m only 3.19 inches long…but when the old-man boyband groupies cluster round they’ll be too interested in basking in my reflected celebrity to care.

Oh sod it. I was going to continue to say how I’m going to spend less on mods and not grab the latest gennys when they come out. I was going to promise to open my mind to the possibilities of ginger and coconut in juice as well…but what’s the point? It’s all nonsense, isn’t it.

I know I’m going to be jumping about trying to buy the new Piccolo despite not having an atty to fit. That will trigger me hunting down some 16mm kit to plonk on top before I remember a week later that I prefer 18350 mech mods. I’ll see a regulated box made with some wood and be throwing my kids onto eBay while making the wife turn tricks outside the village shop.

The only thing vape thing I can resolve to do is continue being irresponsible, impulsive and flip-flopping my opinions on a weekly basis…in short, to continue enjoying the world of vaping as much as I have in 2014. It’s been ace.