New Vaping World Order

Proposed regulations covering what and how ecigs can be advertised means that at some point in 2016 we will no longer be able to say things like “They’re 95% better for you than smoking, so Public Health England say. You know, that body funded by the government.” We won’t be able to say it because officials say so. “Madness”, you say – you don’t know the half of it.

In fact, just holding a cigalike out in the open where a child could see it, where a child may have been or somewhere a child may have dreamt of is set to be banned. To do so after Xmas can result in one from a vast range of harsh punishments: first offenders can expect to be insulted on Twitter by a government minister calling you a health terrorist. Repeat wrongdoers will be on the receiving end of a sound shouting in Argos and an MP will call round to your house to punch your dog in the face. Vapers not owning a dog will be expected to buy a rehomed smoking beagle.

What else can’t I say?

All words appertaining to vaping will be officially removed from the Oxford English Dictionary. No “eliquid”, no “atomiser” and no more “mechanical mods” – the legislation will also be extended so that the ones quoted will have to be removed from this blog and replaced with the words “ocelot”, “flippant” and “Y-fronts”.

You might say: “This sounds excessive?” Just remember that these people are doing it for your own interests and the benefit of all young people. Remember the last time you walked into a room and totally forgot why you were there? Exactly. You’re stupid. Experts know exactly how stupid you are and that the reason was “slippers” but they aren’t going to pop round and tell you – no, they are planning on banning slippers. In the meantime they have been forced to act because 2.8 million vapers are simple being too senseless to continue making their own decisions.

Removing words means that people can’t labour under the misapprehension that they are making “informed” choices. Words that can be used in multiple locations.

Where can’t I say it?

Words that will no longer exist will not be able to be used in posters, television adverts, on social media, on forums, in telephone calls, texts, notes added on to shopping lists or carved into your arm using a rusty knife. Health fascist and pie fan Martin McFly has called the move: “A huge victory for common sense, and will provide my team of snoopers a huge health budget dividend.”

Is there nothing we can do?

Well, that’s the million-dollar question. Vapers and vape companies have a couple of options open to them. First is to use alternative language. In place of saying “ocelot” we can talk about great tasting “Ilford films”. In doing so, as you can see from the advert I’ve mocked up by stealing one from the internet, it is possible to continue with our plan to advertise directly to non-smokers and children. For example: Ilford Films are sold in either HP3 or FP3 heavy depending on whether the “photographer” requires clouds or the sensation of leaping over a tennis net.

Then there’s the smart alternative. While some idiots are looking into transferring their businesses offshore we believe that 2.8 million of us could all chip in and by an island, a vape republic. We can all appreciate that poor neighbours reduce the price of property so if we all go vape in boats off the coat of the Isle of White we could buy it for £94.23.

Yep, vaping is soon to be not as we knew it – it’s time to get creative.