Nanobots are the biggest Ecig scare yet

“We in government have grown accustomed to the threat of ecig-related fires,” said a spokesperson, wishing to remain anonymous, “to the extent that we were going to recommend the unemployed and disabled use them to keep warm over the cold winter period.” This pending advice has been placed on hold given the latest alert.

Last week, news was released regarding the potential for vaping devices to infect personal computers with all manner of viruses, worms and additional songs by U2 while charging. Stealthvape have discovered that this is not the only dastardly plot by the Chinese: bottles of e-Liquid have been laced with hi-tech nanobots.

Our source continued: “It appears that the Chinese are trying to genetically alter people in the West who choose to vape. What is abundantly clear is that any user of electronic cigarettes who suddenly feels like eating Sweet & Sour Chicken balls should go to their nearest A&E department immediately.”

Nanobots can also be referred to as nanoids, nanites, nanomachines or Colin. Just like real robots but small, very small. To get a scale of how small they are first imagine the size of the smallest thing you have ever encountered (probably Hugh Grant’s talent)

“What worries me most,” little Barry Onions told us, “is that us kids love cool robots. There must be loads of children as stupid as me who want to use this stuff because of them.” Barry, ginger, went on to tell us that he thought the Chinese were targeting young people because they liked to collect things. “Only young people collect stuff,” he added, “and that’s why I now have fifteen million bottles of the stuff.”

We approached an impartial scientist to obtain his opinion. Professor Ian Impartialman, Department of Tarot Cards at Southwest California Remedial College, said: “I want to make this very clear, I take no money from any Pharmaceutical company – certainly not Johnson & Johnson. people might say that I do but they are all idiots – especially Clive Bates. This isn’t my opinion, it is a fact because the cards said so.”

Ian confirmed that the smaller a person is the more likely they are to be attracted to this kind of thing. “The products are primarily targeted at the unborn, unfertilised eggs and sperm. Some people might want to think about children but the research I’m selectively quoting demonstrates clear danger prior to insemination.”

When asked what she thought of the possible threat, Carol Lychees, Daily Mail reader, made the noise of an angry pony. “It’s the bloody foreigners,” she bellowed. “First they wanted to know what love is and now they want to make us all like them. Not even traditional British Chinese meals are British anymore!” Asked if she believed action should be taken she agreed with banning vaping immediately and favoured a carrot-replacement therapy scheme.