Health and Efficiency

Our hobbies can appear incredibly bizarre to those outside the circle. “From the serenity of casting your rod by a river bank to the joy of hooking a silvery salmon or trout, fishing is a hobby that rewards and rejuvenates,” claims the Silversurfers website. Angling stands as the UK’s most popular pastime and is a market worth over £3billion a year. Now no one appreciates escaping from the family more than I do but I have no idea why someone would run away to a rain-soaked waterway to eat cold beans from a tin.

This is in no way a criticism of those of you who like to tie feathers onto a bit of metal – no doubt you find the reasons I enjoy watching 22 men feigning injury near a football equally impenetrable. We used to have a pair of lodgers for who triathlons were their entire life. Forsaking beer and pizza…going without anything resembling fun in fact…they would vanish every weekend to do whatever it is that a triathlon involves. I’m still unsure of that bit as I used to feign death whenever they’d begin talking about it. Which was a lot, they had to fill in the time when they’d otherwise be having fun somehow.

But I guess I’m becoming them thanks to vaping. Thanks a bunch, vaping.

The other week found me in a local cycle store. My requirements were quite simple; I needed something to carry my bulk, aid me shedding some of it and (most importantly) it had to be black. Unlike Bradley Wiggins, I never found smoking compatible with being able to achieve any level of fitness. I found fags complimented beer and pizza far better than peddling up the Alpe D’Huez. If I’d try to cycle and smoke I’d have been a smouldering, coughing heap on the floor.

I wheeled the thing out of the shop like a kid on Christmas Day. I was going to do the eleven miles home on it but, of course, I had no idea it was eleven miles. In a car it only took a few minutes therefore it had to be damn close. “I would suggest you are very careful if you haven’t ridden for a while,” advised the shopkeeper. Damn, if Mr Benn could get away with ignoring shopkeepers then I’m pretty sure I can too.

All began brilliantly. The sun was out and it was downhill to the reservoir with a flat track all the way around. The air was so crisp. You know how I know? Of course you do – because I vape. The middle and the end sailed by as enjoyably as the first bit. Even if Glantz and his chums refuse to accept anecdotal evidence – we know for a fact that vaping is orders of magnitude better than smoking because we experience it on a daily basis.

We walk further, breath deeper, move freer and can enjoy the benefits of exerci…hang on a minute…are you feigning death? Right, I’m off to peruse an issue of H&E.