How not to become a reviewer

If you are going to think about your catchphrase then ground it in the truth. Max Rip Trip Headcase claims that the future is now; it isn’t unless you are in possession of a DeLorean and a flux capacitor. More than that, if you do have a DeLorean and a flux capacitor then there are at least six other things you should be considering doing rather than video reviews. The future isn’t now Mr. Headcase, time’s arrow doesn’t work that way.

Imagine that you are down the pub; do you stand there with attractive women dripping from each shoulder? Does the place fall silent as you do or say something and then break out into rapturous applause? If not then acting probably isn’t your thing. If you want to entertain then, as Clint Eastwood said, “Go ahead, make my day”. The notion of performing coitus on cue, on camera, in front of an entire film unit does not appeal to me. I fear it would not be a pulsating experience for the assembled throng and so I have studiously avoided appearing in a mucky movie. I am aware of my limitations.

Let’s go back to the pub; pubs are great. If you are standing at the bar with a pint in hand telling a tale what is taking place in front of you? Is there a gaggle of doe-eyed onlookers, hanging on your every syllable waiting to start applauding at the end? Do others point out that the word you just said rhymed with anus frequently interrupt and laugh at you? Is there just a bored bar worker?

I say this because I used to know this guy, we’ll call him Neil; firstly, because Neil is a pretty generic name and also because his name was Neil. In fact, seeing as he’s still alive, his name still is Neil unless he has changed it through a court application, adopted a Superhero alter ego or suffers from permanent memory loss. But that’s not the point, stop being pedantic and let me get on with the story. Neil loved to tell a tale, it was his raison d’être, the only problem being that we called him Neil Monobore due to the droning nature of his voice. Cruel, I know, but true. People would take it in turns to interrupt him in order to make a joke of something he’d just said.

In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, there are three watchable British reviewers – Scott, Toddy and Damian (he recently of Safervapers). You have to include Damian in a list because he swears, has editing skills and is called Damian – and I make it a rule in life never to piss off someone who could potentially be the son of Satan. Scott is thorough, Todd is warmly engaging and Damian is anything he wants me to say he is because I don’t want to be trapped under the ice during a game of hockey. I’m serious. I may be an atheist but there are bears that should remain un-poked – that’s all I’m saying.

There rest is all rather straight forward:

• Focus – if the video looks like I’ve just consumed seventeen Tequilas and am using two of the shot glasses to look through then, frankly, I’m going back to the bar to order a second round.
• Focus – Going off at a tangent can be damn fine watching whereas watching you watching me watching you scramble around for the next thing to say is not engaging me. I’m going back to the bar for a third round
• Focus – I’ve nothing to add to this bit, I’ve had 51 Tequilas.

So, with this handy guide all you need to do is endear yourself to manufacturers and vendors. The very best way, and this has been proven by scientific research by top docs and boffins, is to send them a wedge of emails pointing out that you’ve been vaping for three weeks and would like all the free stuff they can fit in an envelope. Offering to call round and collect all the gear in a van might appear pushy but it will demonstrate your commitment to getting as much free stuff as quickly as possible.

Would you mind going to the bar for me? I’d go myself but Neil’s there.