Happy TPD Day!

“My little Johnny loves to vape,” Gladys Hip-Problem told us, “but he struggled to afford all of those large bottles.” We hear you, Gladys. For too long the vape industry has forgotten about all the non-working vapers out there. “It’s like, those 120ml bottles go from forty pounds and up. How is a 12yr-old going to buy them? He isn’t, that’s how. He struggles to find the money for his weekend WKDs as it is.”

“He got picked on in the playground by the rich kids who laugh at him. ‘Johnny no-vapes’ they call him. It’s not fair – the teachers did nothing. He’s clutching his tiny bottle of juice while they’re carting around huge great carafes. All I can say is a big ‘thank EU’ to the politicians responsible for this new law. Now the rest of them are going to have to buy 10 microscopic containers with their chip money too, it’s really levelled the playing field. And the playground. And Maths lessons – well they have to do something in class because that Mr Crabtree is awful.”

Yes, thanks to Linda McAvan MEP, everybody from the long-term disabled to the Terrible Twos can now share in this wonderful Act of equality. McAvan has been concerned about the declining rates of teen smoking for some time and saw attacking ecigs as a brilliant way to redress this.

“The trouble for small hands is that they have difficulty grasping a big bottle of eLiquid,” said business expert Tim Wingnut, famed for being fired on Series 3 of The Apprentice after he failed to sell fried food to Glaswegians. “McAvan correctly identified that an easy-hold 10ml bottle would overcome this and have them on plain packs of Bensons before the year is out.”

“Johnny has already worked out that he can fit twelve different flavours and two of his favourite mods into his pencil case as long as he takes out all of those useless pens,” add Mrs Hip-Problem. “He’s delighted.”

We asked Gladys if she felt the ban on advertising was a step too far? “Absolutely not,” she replied. “Sure, he liked to look at the pictures and stuck them up on his wall, but it’s not like any of these kids can read anyways. Plus, there is such a demand for the illegal adverts that he’s selling them on eBay and using the money to buy more atomisers.”

Wingnut continues: “The genius of McAvan and her peers is that they also banned packs of ten cigs. They noticed that a kid with a small pack might finish them and quit – or, worse, have a couple of stingy mates poncing fags are bring about the quit attempt even sooner. By ensuring that kids moving up into smoking have to buy 20 smokes at a time will guarantee they stay coughing for longer and will always have one for the bus shelter.”

“In my professional opinion: I’ve not seen such thorough thinking since some ‘Swiss army knife of business skills’ stored calamari in the sun at the start of Series 11 of The Apprentice. Did you know I was in The Apprentice once? Would you like my autograph?”

“Me and Johnny are so thankful to that lovely Mr Cameron,” finished the mad mother. “Without him rubber-stamping the TPD it wouldn’t be happening. He knows that restricting the strength means kids won’t be put off by high-nic juices. He’s really brilliant, I’ve always trusted politicians who eat a hotdog with a knife and fork.”