Etiquette

I have taken huge, puerile delight in plonking all manner of sauce bottles onto our table ever since – including the loathed brown sauce that we’ve not touched after opening it in 1983. I exaggerate; it’s what I do, so that’s another reason why they probably asked me to go.

That said, I make a point of always holding doors open for people following me. Sometimes to the point of hanging around while they meander in my direction and despite the muffled grunts which may or may not translate to “thank you”.

I don’t speak with my mouth full, I rest my cutlery when I’m not shovelling food and I refrain from telling every idiot I meet that they are a challenged individual requiring immediate repositioning to a part of the world I’m not occupying. I’m nice like that, see?

It’s manners.

It’s remembering to say thank you when someone gives you something – even if it’s hideous. It’s smiling when your partner tells you about their day and nodding and humming in the appropriate places despite the football being on. It’s saying “Yes, that’s a brilliant plan” when forced to watch Enchanted by the girl for the fifteenth time.

It’s being the opposite of Lisa Watson the vaper. Note: This opinion is mine and does not reflect the views held by Rob or Emma Stealthvape.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Lisa says, “I was in Morrisons a couple of days ago, took a couple of puffs and was told by a member of staff to get out.”

I’m going to gloss over the whole bit where Lisa was shopping in Morrisons in the first place, some of you may like the store – some of you may work there. Good for you. I’m not going to mention that they only ever seem to have one till open and staff it with someone who was too lethargic to be employed in KFC (the company resolutely trying to remove the tags ‘fast’ and ‘food’ from fast food). Nor am I going to mention the fresh vegetables that resemble a biology lab experiment by the time they’re unpacked at home.

“I was pretty annoyed, but when I rang Morrisons head office they said it’s company policy across the whole country. I think it’s disgusting. I spend over £300 a month there, but I won’t be going back – I’ll take my custom somewhere else.”

I’m pretty sure Morrisons are concerned but their £17billion+ turnover might just help them cope with the bitter news that Lisa is off to Tesco. Sure, they might be dim when they say “We feel it’s right to protect those who don’t want to be exposed to second-hand smoke from e-cigarette vapours” – but what sort of person acts as if it is their right to vape wherever they want?

Hmm, condescension: tag that onto the list of things that ticked my parents off.

A rule of thumb for me has always been not to vape wherever I wouldn’t have smoked. No one but those bent on conflict would walk around a supermarket puffing on a fag. Given that Morrisons have a sign banning vaping, you’d have though that if you can’t make it the whole way through a shop without a nicotine fix you’d do a crafty stealthy number or nip off to the toilets….or use something like the outstanding Coke mod.

I guess we all have our personal set of rules for this kind of thing, but whenever I’ve seen the subject raised almost all of us are in agreement. I feel that whereas we know the relative dangers posed by vaping, and the non-existent impact on others, there is still a battle for acceptance. I don’t see confrontation and entitlement winning any hearts and minds – of course, I’m perfectly happy to be wrong if you disagree. That’s me being polite and using a sense of decorum.

Now while I go and pop the ketchup back into the kitchen cupboard can someone organise a bus? We need to go sit out in Taunton’s Tesco next week, I’ve a feeling it could be good entertainment. I can’t apologise for it, it’s the wicked streak I was born with; my parents should have understood.