ECIGS LINKED TO PANDEMIC OUTBREAK

In an article not written today by Clive Bates (and consequently not shared widely via social media) evidence has come to light of a direct link between blinkered ignorance and opposition to vaping, a highly dangerous condition going by the name of Ecigbola or e-Bola.

In order to ensure public safety, he didn’t continue, there is a pressing need to quarantine all members of the World Health Organisation immediately in order to prevent a pandemic of stupid. Clive didn’t say: “Let’s be clear about this, the situation presenting itself is one that calls for direct action on a level with the threat itself.”

Wikileaks published evidence of the WHO in the full grip of e-Bola. They were caught planning nonsense in a cartoon by a bored executive. “To be honest, we never suspected the man doodling on his notepad in the meeting was paying attention,” said a top ranker.

If you are concerned that you, someone you know or someone you’ve never met but works in a public health capacity may have contracted e-Bola then look for the following telltale signs:

• Headaches, leading to the wearing a blindfold or closing eyes tightly in the presence of bright evidence.
• Diarrhoea, mainly verbal when confronted by the media (can be in written form).
• A loss of appetite, for reasoned discussion.
• Difficulty swallowing, the truth.
• Rash, of abusive tweeting.
• Chest pain, due to being swollen with Big Pharma cash.

Professor Damage, the Imperial University of Japan Tobacco Incorporated, recently completed his WHO-funded-it(?) study into toxins produced by electronic cigarettes. “We decided that the best method was to do away with the traditional time-wasting approach of experimentation and peer-review so we’ve jumped straight to a conclusion,” laughed Damage from his isolated island of evil.

With eyes wide shut and addressing a wall, he added: “We all know that vaping gives you herpes and reverses time so let’s just start being honest about it.”

Bates didn’t point to this as yet another frightening example of e-Bola stricken ostriches but the analogy is clear: instead of suffocating themselves in sandpits they are parading around making stupid comments for cash. Lots of cash.

“This is why we needed to set up a ‘not quite a celebrity any longer‘-driven charity campaign” no one was quoted at a press conference that didn’t happen. “The causes of e-Bola appear to be rooted in the opulence experienced by those in highest public health office and their need to hang on to those Pharma-funded caviar banquets. We have enlisted the support of the popular band Sir Bob and Midge the Lapdog to encourage them to give up their trappings,” no one continued.

Clive Bates has yet to clarify whether e-Bola is a real disease but seeing as this is now on the Internet all indications point to that it is. No representative of the World Health Organisation was available to confirm if they knew it was Christmastime.

“It’s e-Bolatime; there’s no need to be afraid
At e-Bolatime, we let in cash and banish vape

And in our world of plenty we drink champers at the Bolshoi
Throw your hands over your eyes at e-Bolatime”