ECig Ban

During 2015, he said, the NHS dealt with over 25,217 incidents directly related to the use of electronic cigarettes. The incidents included an unplanned pregnancy after a Miss Shona Tights confused her contraceptive pills with a starter kit, and a surprise sex change when Roberta Buttocks (formally known as Robert) mistakenly used a venting unregulated device.

Martin McPies, a leading British health campaigner, greeted news that the sale of all merchandise will be banned with delight. “It is overdue,” he said with a wide grin. “I have been demanding this kind of response ever since I heard of so-called ‘vaping’ last week.” McPies has dedicated his online life to outing the dangers faced by vapers. He spoke to us about the clear links between suppliers of eliquid and organised crime, that vaping has been proven to radicalise potential terrorists and that an ecig user said something nasty about him on Twitter.

We contacted the British Medical Council for their take on the subject. Professor Simon Cashback, qualified surgeon and part-time drag act, confirmed: “We’ve been researching the dangers of smoking for decades. Thanks to the billions of pounds we’ve received there is a clear understanding of how cigarettes ruin lives.” In a plea to ministers, he added: “We now need at least the same amount of money to spend on yachts and golf equipment so we can categorically link vaping to cigarettes.”

“For a start, they look the same,” Cashback stated. “They both look like strong, attractive penises – except this new type of death stick is made from metal. Other things made of metal include bombs, guns and Lemmy from Mötorhead. – and just look what happened to him! Plus, these e-cigarettes have metal bits on the top too, just imagine the carnage in maternity wards if women had metal nipples.” Powerful arguments with strong implications.

We put the points raised to Timothy Frothingatthemouth, freelance vaping advocate and full-time power-walking blogger. “It’s all about money,” explained Tim. “There are studies out there like the one showing a field of bunnies thrived when given access to mods and atomisers.” Although McPies for one questioned the methodology of the bunny research, Tim remains unfazed. “Not only did the buns demonstrate easier breathing while copulating, compared to when they used to smoke the fags researchers gave them, but they also improved their fine motor skills as a result of coil building.”

McPies replied to this point in an email: “Yes, but it then raises the question of what would happen if rabbits with keen hand-eye coordination were to find access to weapons of mass destruction. Can you tell me they wouldn’t kill everyone given the opportunity? That’s so-called vapers for you. That’s why the ban is justified.”

“Money and genitals. Genitals and money,” concluded Frothingatthemouth. “How can we ever move forward when politicians and public health experts are obsessed with money and genitals?”