Dear Newly Appointed Minister for Vape

Dear Rt Hon Jeremy Hunt MP Secretary of State for Health,

Although we have not met or exchanged tips for finding Pokemons in town centres, I am sure we are going to become really good friends. I’ve heard that you’re super into politics and stuff – us too. Mainly ‘the stuff’ bit though tbh. Anyway, we are writing about something that the old Secretary of State didn’t understand very well, but we are sure you will love: vaping. What’s vaping? Hold on there, tiger, let’s cover something else first.

You know when you’d get a new girlfriend and you really wanted to impress her, but then you’d forget to sort something out as the life of a man is full of busy? So you’d pop by a graveyard or nearby petrol station and lift a bunch of flowers? And she’d be all, “Oh wow, Jeremy – these are super awesome”? Well think of vaping as a bunch of flowers.

By now your office staff chums will have made you aware of how big a sad sack that old Jeremy Hunt was, nowhere near as smashing as you. Trust us, he was even worse than they’re saying. He was like the PM’s ex-boyfriend. You are the new beau. Old Jeremy delivered nothing but heartache and probably never gave the old PM a neck rub. Teresa is waiting on flowers, lover-boy. She needs to be wooed and wowed.

This is the moment for you to flop out a bouquet of vape into her lap.

Just like the purloined plumes, the gift of vape you’ll be giving is entirely free. You see it’s quite simple, vaping will cost the government absolutely nothing – all you need to do is forget about that daft Article 20 of the Tobacco Products Directive because we aren’t going to be part of the EU. All the other women and men in suits are going to be busy with other things and won’t even notice. Just take the paperwork and leave it out with the empty departmental milk bottles.

All of a sudden, by doing nothing and spending no money, vaping equipment with continue to design in improvements and smoking rates will plummet. In turn, Britain gets healthier and happier – and happy vapers will spend more money on whatever it is that you party sell. As we said, we really get politics.

So many benefits from something that is 95% safer than smoking, Teresa may melt in your arms. What we reckon is that we should get together and sort this out over a jug of Sangria in Hooters. Next Thursday afternoon good for you?

Your new best mates, Stealthvape.