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It’s festive but done properly, just like in the good old days when you could say the word “Christmas”, families bonded over power cuts and all the children had rickets. It’s all brought to you by Stealthvape Television, the only subscription channel based in and available to Cantelupe Road in Bexhill on Sea.

If you aren’t already a customer of SVTV then the Christmas edition of the SVTVR&TVT is bound to wet your whistle – quality programming not seen since Love Thy Neighbour and Robin’s Nest were on ITV.

9am: Nobody normal is up yet so we’re sticking on Noel Edmonds for two hours. He’s dead cheap now because no other channel will touch him. We told him a mod and atty can cure smoking-related cancer and he signed immediately. No idea what he’s doing, we told him to make it juicy.

11am: Early Morning Service. People who don’t believe in religion will be cramming into a Bexhill church to praise the Lord for vaping and to get their faces on television.

12pm: Kylie’s Crackers. The real Kylie may be on Sky but we’ve got Kylie Jenkins from CostCo coming in to show us how to pull a cracker at Christmas using nothing but charm and a lot of Bacardi Breezers.

1pm: The Queen. That’s correct, you read it. We’ve got The Queen a full two hours before she’s on BBC1 doing a warm-up set for us. Liz will be taking you through the steps to make a Clapton coil while regaling us with witty anecdotes about Phil.

1:30pm: Bond at Christmas. Everybody loves a good Bond film on Christmas Day, so we’ve made one with simpering royal correspondent Jennie Bond. She is an evil boss bent on taking over the world with a gigantic vape machine. Or something. To be honest there’s a lot of improvisation because we ran out of ideas as the sherry consumption went up.

Later: Strongmen are doing something with lorries, there are some cartoons and another couple of films we got from Pirate Bay. Seriously, who cares? Everybody’s drunk now.

Our first prediction was a miss. Oddly, we felt that the Tobacco Products Directive would drive doctor Konstantinos Farsalinos out of a job. We felt the directionless chap would balance a part-time career at Greggs with a night time hobby taking on celebrities in bare-knuckle fighting bouts.

It saddens us deeply that rather than slapping Brad Pitt seven shades of silly, behind the Wetherspoon in Kettering, Farsalinos managed to find enough to keep him occupied in his office. Will he keep up his regular attacks on the anti-vaping zealots during 2017? We’ve no idea until we open a bottle of rum and make up next year’s predictions.

Twelve months ago, when the past was nothing more than the future being peered at through a hangover, it seemed obvious that the Tobacco Products Directive would render YouTube vape reviews obsolete. Obvious to everybody -except those people who do them.

We were wrong – igetcha69 is not filling his time producing videos reviewing cross-stitch patterns in his little spare room. He seemed the type; it remains an avenue to explore, but no. Neither is Mark Toddy Todd devoting all of his waking hours to filling up stamp albums. It should be noted that we do not peer through their windows (not since the court order anyway) and they could be doing these things as hobbies to cope with the stress of vape videos. They probably are. That, or Morris dancing, or doing the painful water bottle challenge. We haven’t looked, but UK Vapers probably hasn’t been renamed and given over to discussion of all things Um Bongo either.

And what about our predictions for the vendors? Here we feel we were close to being correct. Like, if you predict some team will win at something – but they don’t – at least you managed to remember the name of the team. That ought to be impressive to other non-sports fans at the very least.

We felt that Jeremy Mean & the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) would amend legislation to force vendors to undergo costly and lengthy administrative procedures while wearing roller skates, a tutu and singing the theme tune to Happy Days. If you focus on the words “costly”, “lengthy” and “roller skates” you can see we nailed this prophecy.

We didn’t relocate to Zanzibar, Scopes Eliquid are not renting a unit on a trading estate in Syria and Manabush are not currently the country’s leading provider of lawn fertilizer. By dropping the word “wrong” from this sentence, we got 100%.

The 2017 predictions are set to be even better than 2016’s. We have been inundated for tickets for the gala evening, hosted by Les Dennis. We predict he’ll do that impersonation of the woman from Coronation Street. We’ll be correct again.

*Click* The torch is now on and shining up into my face. The only sound you can hear is that of the wood gently crackling in the fire. If you get scared then hold someone’s hand, if you need the toilet then only go in pairs because it might not be safe out there.

Our tale begins with five vapers in a car, late at night. They were heading to the cabin in the woods for a thematic vape meet, but the rain was coming down so fast it made reading the road signs impossible. Rounding the bend *bump*

What was that? Had they just driven over a possessed woman? Maybe it was the noise of a headless man on the roof of the vehicle? No, it was worse – you know it was really bad because now I’m whispering – the last (and only) 120ml bottle of juice had fallen on the floor and emptied! Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhh!

The car swerved off the road. “We’ll have to make it through the woods on foot,” said the foolhardy one (who clearly didn’t have the patience to wait the four and a half hours till the RAC could get a recovery truck out).

“Wait, it would be better if we split up,” said the idiot (who has obviously never watched a single film in his life).

“Wait,” cried the third, “my atomiser tank is almost empty!” Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhh!

I’m shrieking now, when I tell you the fourth person screamed: “Noooo! My battery meter shows that my 18650 cell is almost out of charge and I haven’t bought any spares!” Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhh!

Suddenly, all around them, they could see lights appearing. Stationary, tiny lights. Only they weren’t lights at all, it was the reflection of the cars headlights bouncing off bouncing off what? Evil dolls eyes, that’s what. It’s incredible, isn’t it, that miles from anywhere, in what (on a sunny day) would be a lovely little wood for a walk or a picnic, some evil fly-tipper had dumped a load of broken dolls. Honestly, what goes through the mind of people like that who can’t be bothered to drive the five miles to the nearest council refuse centre? Anyway, I digress.

The silence of darkness became consumed with the sounds of slow shuffling and moaning. Time to time a twig would snap then the shuffling and moaning would continue. Surely this is the part in our story where zombies are rising up at the beginning of an apocalypse? No. It is nothing more than the percussion of our five friends, but then came the most terrible moan: “My vape tastes terrible, the wick is drying and the battery’s dying!”

Our party finally see a glint through the trees. Gasping, barely able to contain their relief that they’d made it, they fall upon the porch and push the creaky wooden door open.

There, inside on the table, a bottle of juice. Then, crying with happiness, they spy a battery charger. Laughter bubbled from relief as they lit the fire and made ready for a future once again.

This is the point where my torch lit voice drops one final time: The charger had an American socket. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!

Sleep safe.

Good branding isn’t just important to a business, it’s essential. It is the lifeblood of a company because it’s what differentiates the products from all of the others in the marketplace. Graphic designers, copywriters and assorted marketing executive idiots called Nigel give up days of their lives to attend brainstorming meetings. They slave over ideas that would make the ones entertained in The Apprentice seem great. It takes time, experience and dedication to produce something good.

So, no wonder some juice makers think it’s a good idea to piggyback on the advertising and promotion of others. We just feel that if they’re going to do it they ought to be going the whole way; why stop at just taking Sara Lee’s cake designs or Pokemon’s slogan?

For a starter they should be changing their company names to sound like one of the giants in the consumer industry like Unilever, Apple or Poundland. Forget all that vape nonsense, go for the jugular; it makes no sense if you’re simply going to steal a brand identity without going the whole hog.

Plus, if you are running a company producing these knock-off juices, what on earth are you thinking of by not changing your own name too? Why be Dylan Jones when the stroke of a pen (and swish of a blade for men) can transform you into Delia Smith? Delia Smith who owns a juice firm now called Marks & Spencer Liquids. Do away with the worry of trying to build yourself a name in the market place, now you have one instantly and we’re going to choose not to mention the one most vapers call you, children may be reading.

Or go the whole hog.

As you already hold a reviled position within the community, why not opt to be known as Sir Phillip Green? You’re now just one step away from the final transformation. All property is theft, right? To date you’ve been happy to make do with intellectual property but there is so much more out there for the ambitious eliquid entrepreneur.

Don’t bother with stupid overheads from renting business premises, set up a trestle table inside the nearest shopping centre food court. “Go away, stupid security guard,” you can exclaim, “for I am Delia Smith/ Sir Phillip Green and I own this whole pantheon to consumerism.”

Which brings you to the culmination of the transformation. Instead of stealing ideas and riding on the backs of others, while bringing vaping into disrepute, you can now do away with the whole messy liquid making process too. People in shopping centres have money, you want their money – steal it.

Stealthvape are available for business development consultancy services to the whole dodgy sector of the juice industry. Not next Thursday though as we’re launching our new range of Marvel(ous) wire: Colossus kanthal with free Wolverine wick.

Images stolen from Wikipedia and Pixabay

Ever since vaping was laughably lumped in with tobacco products we’ve been the butt of every crank with an axe to grind. Nicotine is the evil, according to Martin McKee (Mary Whitehouse impersonator) and Mark Drakeford (Spit the Dog impressionist). Nicotine, they contend, comes from tobacco leaves and is therefore going to drag innocent children from playground and thrust them into smoking shelters.

What we need, we reason, is an alternative to vaping just in case the going gets really tough. What we all need, we concluded, is to sell you a range of new and enjoyable to use products. We looked at a couple of pictures of McKee & Drakeford until we started to feel queasy. We asked ourselves, “What kind of nicotine products could we sell that these two portly gentlemen wouldn’t get into a sweaty wobble about?”

The answer was obvious: nicotine foods. The porcine pair of public health plonkers clearly adore eating between meals, there’s no way they can object.

For the recent ex-smoker or current users of high-nic liquids: Stealthmoussaka. It comes loaded with scrummy aubergine, a veggie that packs 100 nanograms of nicotine into every gram.

And what about those stepping their nic intake down a bit; those aiming at using nothing but nic-free foods in the future and hoping to become food free by a target date? Stealthbolognese will become the substitute of many. While the rich tomato puree doesn’t hold the kick of aubergine, you’ll still be able to get a great fix from the 52 nanograms per gram of nicotine.

Going down another step in nic, but not in taste, the great chefs at Stealthvape Towers have concocted our amazingly delicious Stealthcauliflowercheese. 16.8 scrumptious nanograms of nicotine with every gram of cauliflower makes this a great all-day vape replacement.

And finally, the potato range for those who enjoy impressing people by playing with their food, need to top up nicotine between meals or like to continually eat. Select either Stealthchips and Stealthcrisps, or use both at the same time – we don’t care, we’re not going to judge you if you want to refuel like Martin McKee.

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*Stealthfood (especially Stealthchips and Stealthcrisps) is highly addictive – keep it out of reach of children and pets at all times.

*As with all nicotine products, take care to flush eyes or skin immediately with water should they come into contact with Stealthfoods. Seek full medical attention immediately in case of an accident, or if you feel unwell after eating Stealthfood.

*Stealthfood is for informed adults only. As a responsible vendor we will decline any purchase requests from people under 18 years old.

We must point out that we are an independent manufacturer/retailer and do not work for Big Potato or Big Eggplant. All Stealthfood products are designed to be digested, not inhaled in any form. We take no responsibility for misuse of Stealthfood products.

Having been approached by the BBC, there is going to be a brand new series replacing the old cake-based venture. “We thought about the Great British Skate Off, a show for people who like fishing. Then we considered the Great British Break Off, a show for clumsy types,” said a TV spokesperson.

“But then we realised that a show aimed at a demographic of 2.8million vapers would rope in their friends and families – and so the idea of the Great British Vape Off was born.”

“Truth be told, we had already decided that we’d had enough of the old format. OK, 13.4 million watched the one about biscuits or whatever, but it was getting more stale than a bun in the sun.”

The Great British Vape Off will build upon everything that was good about the old show – soft innuendo. “It’s prime time Carry On fun without Barbara Windsor’s bikini top popping off,” the spokesperson added. “But obviously, if ratings begin to flag we’ll look into getting Babs’ baps on.”

So, how bug could this show be? Are there enough double entendres? “The potential is huge: ‘Put it in my mouth’, ‘Wrap my lips around this one’, ‘The last time I was gripping something this solid ‘ and comments like ‘And you can lick your own drip tip’ will have audiences flocking to the set,” the spokesperson explained.

TV whimsy in a tent!

When the production company approached us to see what we thought we told them it was already taking place. This year, we said, Vapefest attracted over 23 million people. We might have embroiled the figure slightly but everything we know about forecasts and estimates we learnt from The Apprentice. In fact, we have taken so much from Lord Alan’s show that we are thinking about renaming ourselves Team Awesome and selling fields of ponies.

Flushed with success from our involvement with this, we are currently in discussions about fronting up the new Top Gear (including more vaping), relaunching Top of the Pops (with vape in place of a smoke machine) and are submitting a proposal to do a Saturday morning kids show (giving away packs of sweet cigalikes). Nothing for anybody to complain about there.

Smoking was awesome. Smoking was everything. Everybody could afford to do it at 20p per pack of ten, and packs were for sale everywhere. If you couldn’t find them behind sheds on school playing fields there were vending machines bolted to walls in high streets. Packs were probably included in kits for new Mums as well. Not sure about the last one but it seems reasonable given everything else taking place at the time.

Unemployment soared as economic times bit hard and inflation rose like Lord Lambton’s appendage. The height of fashion was the donkey jacket, the car of choice was the Austin Allegro and the mullet was born.

But then there were Star Wars and Close Encounters. Apple computers, Ziggy Stardust, punk and Space Hoppers added colour and texture to ten years of change. And there were more cigarettes.

Youthful rebellion and a sense of immortality fed poor decision-making, like those who came before and followed on. But the truth was out about smoking and rates of people quitting suddenly grew, sales are taking a severe kick to the privates. If there was one thing Britain was beginning to learn then it was how to do a damn fine public health warning.

We learnt not to fall out of boats, not to talk to strangers and to always ALWAYS follow the country code. The Green Cross Code man gave way to the AIDS gravestones of the 80s. And, in what seemed like no time at all, Millennials were born. There is no point in public health campaigns now because the Millennials know everything already.

The trouble is, they were correct.

We don’t need public health campaigns educating the public about the dangers of smoking anymore. We don’t need to be told about emphysema, lung cancer or COPD. We know all about it because the Internet knows all about it. We don’t need the advertising agencies that create the campaigns and we certainly don’t need the experts who stand behind them collecting their fat cheques for stating the obvious.

We’re reliving the 70s because smoking is under attack like never before, but this time vaping is playing the part of Dave Prowse. In a Tie fighter. Those who got trapped by tobacco now have an enjoyable exit route – and for those who are experimenting, it is stopping them from taking up smoking in the first place. Vaping is Darth Vader cool but R2D2 honest.

Yes, it’s just like the 70s again. You can tell it is, just look at the England football team!

Having walked all the way down the high street, we discovered that our local police station closed in 1989 due to budget cutbacks or something. It came as a surprise to us to discover that all crime had been solved and there was no longer a need for police stations or, thinking about it, those people who used to work inside. It made us wonder where they find those police people that are always on Channel 5 fly-on-the-wall documentaries? Maybe that’s their full-time job now? And maybe they pay people to be criminals too? People who now have nothing to occupy their days since they stopped being villains for the police to chase?

And then we found one, PC Laura Binding. (Honestly, if no one finds that pun funny I’m going to give up doing this and see if C5 want to take up the option on my ‘Life as a bloke typing on a computer’ fly-on-the-wall documentary).

Laura Binding.

She’s a police officer.

Laura Binding the police officer.

Law abiding – Laura Binding. Oh for goodness sake, I give up.

We didn’t go for a walk, there isn’t even an ‘us’. It’s just me sitting here, making up stuff as usual, in an effort to pad out another article.

It’s because each week the latest stories in the media get scanned in an attempt to seek inspiration for a new article. It’s just that the only thing anybody has been talking about is clowns. There are ones with funny make-up waving knives outside Primary schools, ones fighting each other in the European Parliament, ones trying to become the president of America and ones trying to make out vaping should be severely regulated as it poses untold unproven dangers.

Under normal circumstances there would be a link here to the interview given by Stanton Glantz to Regulator Watch. We’d offer up the opportunity for others to get as angry at them as we were, but then it seemed like a bit of a horrible thing to do.

It’s Friday. Most of you will have spent the week working industriously and are looking forward to a weekend of smiles coupled with alcohol and curry abuse. The last thing you need is Glantz gurning through your monitor as he explains that his mission in life is to “just tell it like I see it!”

What is exceptionally obvious is that this man is going out of his way to say things that vested interests would like him to say, not what he sees. For example, he has seen the Public Health England report, the Royal College of Physicians report and the recent Cochrane Review.

Quite how the man can blindly ignore the weight of evidence is beyond me – just one more clown who has really annoyed me this week. But unlike real actual genuine clowns, this one and the ones like him pose a serious risk to harm reduction and the health of millions of smokers. Channel 5 should do a program about it.

Laura Binding though, eh? Laura Binding.

Contrary to popular opinion in Facebook groups, one does not boil a lithium-ion cell in water in order to make it perform better. In fact, it is safe to say that water and batteries are like Wile-E-Coyote and the Roadrunner: they may be found near each other but it will end in pain and suffering. It’s always best to keep all of your vaping equipment away from water altogether.

While vaping offers an excellent way out of smoking it does mean carrying around a tube full of energy in your pocket. In reality, it is no different to the batteries you can find in your laptop computer or mobile phone.

Lithium ion batteries are popular because they store a huge quantity of energy in a relatively slender package, making them ideal for use in personal electrical devices. They do not hold a memory (so don’t need to be totally discharged before recharging) and can go through many charging cycles.

The difference for vaping comes from the fact that batteries are often removed from devices for charging, spares are carried for when one runs flat and devices don’t all come with dedicated chargers.

Findings from a study in America highlighted that over half of the injuries being sustained due to batteries “exploding” occur to the groin and thigh. This indicates that the cells are being placed into trouser pockets. Another sizeable chunk are hand injuries resulting from a person removing a venting cell from a bag.

What is venting?

If the top and bottom of the battery are connected by keys (or coins/other metal objects) in a pocket (or bag), energy is drained from the battery faster than it is able to cope with. Something called thermal runaway takes place, the battery gets very hot and gases are released in an attempt to prevent it going ‘bang’.

Storing batteries in cheap plastic sleeves or boxes can prevent these accidents simply and easily. Amazon is a good source for battery storage boxes if you can’t find them with your preferred vendor.

Other steps you can take in order to ensure you avoid an accident include buying quality cells. Online forums are full of people who will recommend good battery sellers and ideal cells to meet your vaping demands.

Finally, it is vital the cell is recharged using a quality charger (or the equipment provided by your ecig manufacturer). Ask your vendor what they recommend if you are unsure; do not simply plug it into your computer or phone charger.

Finally, don’t worry that this will happen to you. There are around 2.8 million vapers in the United Kingdom and there are only a handful of examples of battery accidents. It makes a good story for the newspapers but the reality is that it rarely happens. And don’t boil your batteries.

Not allowed to vape at a sports venue? Banned from having a quick blast at work? No longer thanks to Stealthvape’s body augmented vaping designs. With the flip of a subcutaneous switch, located a finger-press away on your palm, vaping will be part and parcel of breathing – and this isn’t something they can throw you off the 9:15 from Bristol Temple Meads for.

Some might say, “That looks painful”. Others might add, “That looks expensive”. While both of those points of view are very true, just think of the benefits.

By incorporating vaping equipment into body tissue means that you never need to buy a battery again. Charging takes place through the harnessing of mitochondrial energy – never has there been a better reason to eat a curry.

Whether the juice is supplied though an external pack or accommodated within a buttock is wholly up to you. Maybe there is another part of the body you’d like to extend to hold a long 30ml bottle? We can modify to suit thanks to Stealthvape’s top bank of plastic surgeon specialists.

Hang on, you’re thinking, how can I adjust the vape? The one thing you don’t have to worry about is another operation. All settings will be controlled through a handy downloadable phone app.

The settings can be adjusted from cloud blowing, high enough that you could hire yourself out to nightclubs and rock festivals, all the way down to accommodating vape-free vaping. It will now be possible for you to gain a nic-fix in court, A&E or while flying a 757 (even if you give the impression you’re in training for a sucker fish lookalike competition).

It doesn’t stop there. Joy of joys, the phone app interface allows users to virtually vape at work. That’s correct – no vape vaping. A slide of a finger sends a virtual plume of vape out on the screen, totally obscuring that annoying person in your meeting (because doing it for reals would cause a kerfuffle).

Clearly, there are further advantages to adamantium vape augmentation. Being the stuff of superheroes is no longer the preserve of comics as vapers can elect to have the Platinum package installed, which includes Wolverine-like bones and optional claws – useful for fighting crime AND cutting cotton wicks to size.

Needless to say this is going to be exceptionally popular and so we suggest getting your name on the waiting list as soon as possible. The future is augmented body vaping, and the future is (as some American chap used to say) now.

Images – Fernando Vicente