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It isn’t easy, we empathise. It’s a hazard-strewn trail from waking to downing the last bottle of Baileys – and that’s not even factoring in the non-stop begging adverts coming from the television. That said, we believe in helping people who really, genuinely need assistance. And do you know who those people are? It’s you, that’s who.

Each year people give you a collection of things that will either serve no function in your life, or offend you to the very core of your being if you gaze upon them. “Easy”, some say, “I’ll just pop them on eBay, lob them at the tip or palm them off to other people next year.”

A simple solution could be a trip to the tip experience. This is an experience unlike any of the decent ones you might have received during Yuletidemas. A trip to the tip currently (at a time when bin people reckon all of your extra festive rubbish will magically be sorted out by David Blane) is like an adventure into a post-apocalyptic nightmare. There’s queues, a bearded man in a hat shouting at you, more queues, and the macho posturing as each person attempts to lob their stuff to the end of a skip and only manages to get it just over the wall. And queues. Trust us, it’s hell.

So, eBay then? While this might seem to be a simple solution to a simple problem we need to caution you that nothing in life is simple – just look at people standing in a fast food restaurant queue. Over the last twenty years there has been no revolution in the fast food menu. The few burgers listed on it are the same as they’ve always been: burger, cheeseburger, double cheeseburger, fat burger, fat burger with cheese, tall burger, fish burger (“that will be five minutes, sir, we’ll bring it to you in half an hour”) and chuck burger.

It all seems so simple but you can guarantee you’ll spend a frustrating time standing behind people who have no idea what they want – every single bloomin’ time. Gifts are the same.

You are not the only person using eBay. The person who gave you that present uses it too. And they are going to see your selfishness displayed in your advert. And, if not, they will find out from Uncle Bob that you palmed stuff off on him because they’ll see his advert next year. It just makes you a horrible person attempting to profit from your selfishness. No, we say, don’t be that person – let us profit from your selfishness and we’ll be the horrible person for you. Yes, this is where we come in, with Stealthvape’s unwanted gift service.

So, here’s you sat in front of a litre of juice that won’t be used. It’s because your family haven’t bothered to note your long-standing hatred of all things mango. Even the name irks you. They should know that but they couldn’t be bothered. Scientists could take bananas and fuse them with grapes…but if they called the frankenfruit “the new mango” it would guarantee you’d jump off a pier.

And that mod? Didn’t they appreciate you’ve already got one of those and wanted the one with a screen you could personalise? The sods. But if you get caught getting shot of it you know it will all be you that’s at fault.

What does our service offer? All you need to do is package the unwanted items, write our address on the label and pay for postage – we take care of everything else and guarantee that you’ll never be troubled by the stuff again. The only thing we ask is that you don’t use the service for getting shot of tat, just nice stuff. Preferably expensive. Thank you.

Seeing as we’re looking back at what was, it’s appropriate that we start with the time we looked even further back in time. All because some idiot thought the Fortuna SubOhm Tank would be a great idea. It remains as clever as Leicester selling Kanté, Samsung using that exploding battery or having held a belief that the Chilcot report would change anything.

Halfway through the year we believed that Brexit would or wouldn’t change vaping, and that the TPD (as it stands) will restrict smokers’ access to the truth about swapping to ecigs. How can we overcome this obstacle? “It’s us – we are the sexy advert. Everywhere we go, everything we do, we’ve got to exude the very essence of sexy. Now, for you and me it’s going to be pretty easy. We are sexy beasts.”

Consequently, maybe it’s time to preserve the present, we thought to ourselfves. Maybe it’s time to get busy with the Stealthvape Vape Pot™. It was the moment when industry experts sat up and nodded in unison, they understood why we hold a sterling reputation for delivering ground-breaking products and inventing new segments of the market.

We stood should to shoulder with the poor women and men who’ve spent every penny they own on developing a ridiculous vape collection. And we lined up next to those who can no longer afford to augment their current array of devices. We care, and that’s why there’s now a Home for Vapers.

Then men chased a football in France, women in shorts grunted on Wimbledon courts and lots of people cheated while running about and jumping a bit in Brazil. We can do that, we decided. But we can do it better: the Stealthvape International World Vape Championathon.

We wrote to the Department of Health to point out that they could reduce spending but still reduce smoking rates and improve the health of the nation. Unfortunately, Jeremy Hunt did not turn up to our meeting in Hooters so we drank the sangria ourselves. Not stopping there, we also contacted the Ministry of Defense with some brilliant ideas about doing war on the cheap – all thanks to vapers. The letter wasn’t just another poor excuse to go to Hooters again. That would have been sad.

Maybe the augmented vaping idea wasn’t brilliant. Maybe the plans for the Museum of Vaping hadn’t been fully thought through. Maybe. But our Efficacy of Vaping Survey was a blinding success. Thirty brief questions, with only one mistake from the fool who typed them in, the Stealthvape Efficacy Survey produced some fantastic information and was covered by a number of other people.

Whatever happens in the big world, we hope that the end of the year finds you happy and healthy – and we wish that for you and yours going into 2017. Have a great New Year.

What’s the purpose of Stealthvape Tours and Travel, you are asking yourself. Quite simply, it offers exactly the same kind of tour and travel service that you could find from any other tour and travel company. Except it’s for vapers. To date you will have had to arrange your holiday by speaking to people who probably didn’t vape, and travel on buses, trains and planes that were operated by non-vapers.

Then, upon arriving at your destination, you would be greeted like Michael Gove at Boris Johnson’s birthday party. Or, just for balance, as welcome as Jeremy Corbyn at Tony Blair’s trip to Carpet Supacentre. “Vapoteur? Non, monsieur,” says the genial host at your vacation centre. “Mais non! C’est un place locale for the population locale.”

The world is splitting in two; there are places where vaping is positively welcomed and places where it is banned. We know those places. Well, we know some of them and we’ve constructed everything from short breaks to full blown tours to explore them.

Fancy an inner city vape break? Our five star tent beckons from a luxurious East Midlands roundabout, handy for Nottingham city centre shopping and all of the vape-friendly places it contains. Martin may look dishevelled, he would be given that we turfed him out of his tent, but he is a font of knowledge and is willing to act as your concierge for two bottles of super-strength cider and a fish supper.

But you want more, right? You fancy combining vaping with extreme thrills. In days gone by, adventure seekers would go to the places the Foreign Office advised against. Well now you can do it from a vape perspective with our round the world ‘Banned’ tour.

Landing in California, you will be breaking the law from the minute you take your first puff until the moment you’re running back to the airport. Hop from there to Australia, to Singapore and then through other Far Eastern countries where vaping is considered worse than murder. Before you know it you’ll have a collection of arrest photographs to be proud of and a story for every vape meet back home.

It’s not been easy setting up the range of activities Stealthvape Tours and Travel can now offer, and they aren’t cheap either – but then nothing worthwhile is. Just make sure you don’t leave it too late, bookings are anticipated to come in thick and fast as the drudgery of January blurs into a miserable February.

Stealthvape’s new Ladybits eliquid featured in an early January tale about anger and a vaper’s inability to be social on social media. It was part of a range we thought the world was shouting out for, because some bedroom brewers don’t seem to be able to care how vaping is perceived. Obviously, we never sold any Stealthvape Junior Juice eliquids to underage vapers. We gave it away at baby showers. Or did we? (We didn’t). Or didn’t we?

We formed the The National Union of Apathetic Vapers in February. Well, we would have done but there was little interest and we couldn’t be bothered. Which automatically made us all life members. It couldn’t last. As the inevitability of the impending TPD rose up, we cast our collective hive mind to hope and future-proofed vaping. Given the rise of Trump the ideas all seem a bit prescient now.

As the month wore on, we warned vapers about the unexplained dangers of vaping. One minute you’re happily engrossed in coil winding, the next you are arriving at casualty clutching scorched thighs. It’s a simple step from patiently working to in-patient, which is why we then explored E-cig Ban. We spoke to Professor Simon Cashback and Timothy Frothingatthemouth when nobody else would. We spoke to Martin McPies when nobody else wanted to.

It was a natural progression to explore vaping on the go. So we did. Not for the first time, we thought the unthinkable to provide the solutions other lesser folk would consider unworkable.

It’s the knack we have for getting under the skin of the previously unconsidered that stands us in front of others in the queue for life’s bathroom. It’s a product of travelling the B-roads of the mind that convinced people to consult us with their problems in Auntie Stealthvape Replies. *On the advice of our lawyer, we would like to point out that we did not encourage Mr Foxy Knickers to do the thing he was sent down for.

This is the same person who gave us legal advise after we uncovered the secret choreographed script for the forthcoming Commons ecig debate. No matter what Mr Peter Xenophobe claims in the Evening Telegraph, the judge found in our favour (and we’re still waiting for 73 of the 2,000 rubber duckies we were awarded).

There may be no “I” in Team but there is “Vagina Temp“, “Mega Van Pit” and  “Anti Amp Veg” in Team Vaping. This is why we opened up The Stealthvape Corporate Fun Team-Building Activity Centre, on the edge of the delightful Thurrock Business Park.

Visionaries? Us? Of course, we absolutely agree with you – after all, who else would have created Stealthvapeonburyexpotacular? We knew that the vape scene was now very ‘scene’ with all the hiphopsters and beardymen. So we contracted the very best musical acts. People marveled at the giant sounds of Little David, Jerry Wallace playing every single one of his big hit and nobody played a mean polka quite like Whoopee John.

We created a movie about vaping, explored the social nuances of library vaping, and (in a ground breaking piece of investigative journalism) broke “The Truth about the Vape Industry“.

Barely a quarter of 2016 completed, we had accomplished so much. We created a much fairer system for online vape competitions. Unfortunately, despite being stunningly fair, it transpired that everyone entering wasn’t up to the task so no one won.

Then we invented a motivational program for people looking to quit – creating original products into the bargain. First up, The Stealthvape VapeMate Safe. It’s like a normal safe but six times better. Then, the revolutionary Stealthvape Vapemate Nonvapecig. It looks like a mod and atomiser, it has a colourful liquid in the tank, but press the button and nothing happens. People call us geniuses and we’d struggle to argue with them.

But then came the all-things-to-all-people Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers â„¢. A product so stunning that people were lost for words – and when they found those words it was too late because we’d gone off for chips. Chips for days, like you find in the awesome tricky box.

We mourned Mark Drakeford’s passing in May, and gave Wales a whole bunch of ideas of things they could crack down on instead of vape. So popular was our idea that car indicators should be replaced with cuddly Charlotte Church dolls that it’s rumoured VTTV’s Dave Dorn has relocated to Swansea. He loves Charlotte Church that much.

A tale was told about a man’s valiant attempts to cut down to zero nic. We didn’t mention it, due to it occurring in real time, but it failed. Our hearts go out to John. Err, Dave. Umm, no, John.

As the year’s clock struck six, we gave you all a new solution to selling online AND a free-range range of vape products. Such a fun-packed six months that there are those who demand: “Where on earth do you get all of these ideas?” Simple, we steal them from the Dark Net, it’s got something like 19 times the ideas the normal internet has. That and we don’t go out much.

*Click* The torch is now on and shining up into my face. The only sound you can hear is that of the wood gently crackling in the fire. If you get scared then hold someone’s hand, if you need the toilet then only go in pairs because it might not be safe out there.

Our tale begins with five vapers in a car, late at night. They were heading to the cabin in the woods for a thematic vape meet, but the rain was coming down so fast it made reading the road signs impossible. Rounding the bend *bump*

What was that? Had they just driven over a possessed woman? Maybe it was the noise of a headless man on the roof of the vehicle? No, it was worse – you know it was really bad because now I’m whispering – the last (and only) 120ml bottle of juice had fallen on the floor and emptied! Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhh!

The car swerved off the road. “We’ll have to make it through the woods on foot,” said the foolhardy one (who clearly didn’t have the patience to wait the four and a half hours till the RAC could get a recovery truck out).

“Wait, it would be better if we split up,” said the idiot (who has obviously never watched a single film in his life).

“Wait,” cried the third, “my atomiser tank is almost empty!” Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhh!

I’m shrieking now, when I tell you the fourth person screamed: “Noooo! My battery meter shows that my 18650 cell is almost out of charge and I haven’t bought any spares!” Aaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhh!

Suddenly, all around them, they could see lights appearing. Stationary, tiny lights. Only they weren’t lights at all, it was the reflection of the cars headlights bouncing off bouncing off what? Evil dolls eyes, that’s what. It’s incredible, isn’t it, that miles from anywhere, in what (on a sunny day) would be a lovely little wood for a walk or a picnic, some evil fly-tipper had dumped a load of broken dolls. Honestly, what goes through the mind of people like that who can’t be bothered to drive the five miles to the nearest council refuse centre? Anyway, I digress.

The silence of darkness became consumed with the sounds of slow shuffling and moaning. Time to time a twig would snap then the shuffling and moaning would continue. Surely this is the part in our story where zombies are rising up at the beginning of an apocalypse? No. It is nothing more than the percussion of our five friends, but then came the most terrible moan: “My vape tastes terrible, the wick is drying and the battery’s dying!”

Our party finally see a glint through the trees. Gasping, barely able to contain their relief that they’d made it, they fall upon the porch and push the creaky wooden door open.

There, inside on the table, a bottle of juice. Then, crying with happiness, they spy a battery charger. Laughter bubbled from relief as they lit the fire and made ready for a future once again.

This is the point where my torch lit voice drops one final time: The charger had an American socket. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!

Sleep safe.

Welcome to the Stealthvape Bowl for the very first international Vape Cup friendly. Taking the pitch today is the home side Advocates Athletic and Public Health Disunited, our visitors. The grass has been relayed with AstroTurf for today’s match as a special concession to this afternoon’s guests.

Athletic will be playing in the positive green strip, Disunited are wearing the all-white kit provided by Big Pharma, their sponsors. Although they look clean before kick off it will be interesting to note if the white shirts and shorts look distinctly grubby come full time.

As a unique twist on the old ‘jumpers for goalposts’, each team constructed their own goals prior to kick off – using copies of their respective research reports. I’m looking over now at Athletic’s goal; a solid edifice compromising of the Royal College of Physicians’ study and bound copies of the Public Health England report. I would like to say the same about Disunited’s too, but the piles of CDC reviews and pharma-funded surveys appear to be falling apart with closer inspection.

The ref has blown for kick-off but Stanton Glantz is refusing to touch the football. It looks like he’s complaining that the shape is the same as balls used by people who smoke. Advocates’ captain, Konstantinos Farsalinos, has magnanimously agreed to let the opposition use their ball – which is fetched by their professional Australian right whinger Simon Chapman. Chapman brings a wealth of expertise to his side as he’s always playing games on Twitter.

So we’re finally off. But what’s this? Linda McAvan has picked up the ball and is running to Disunited’s bench. It looks like she’s planning on sitting there and instructing her side to ignore the opposition. And the referee. And the crowd. This is ridiculous; surely she knows she can’t simply make up her own rules?

This certainly isn’t making a great spectacle to watch. Peter Hajek and Linda Bauld have managed to wrestle the ball from McAvan’s hands. Up runs Jean Etter to take the free kick – fans of the game will know he goes by the nickname ‘The Professor’, because, well, he’s a professor. As are most of Athletic’s players.

The ball lands at Clive Bates’ feet, a delightful pass, and he ghosts past Martin McKee. It’s like McKee, Disunited’s left whinger, has no understanding of the game. It’s clear that McKee can only be here for the half-time snacks.

Bates sends the ball forward. It’s West to Stimson. Stimson through to Sweanor. Sweanor is clear in on goal oh, but that’s a horrible challenge from Mark Drakeford and a clear penalty. Michael Siegel steps up and slots the ball home like he always does. Disunited will be unhappy but they are used to being called out for playing dirty.

The match finishes in a clear victory for the vape advocates although the margin is uncertain as Disunited’s manager, Dr Margaret Chan, went on to score an uncountable number of own-goals during the post-match press conference.

And for the losing team of anti-vape campaigners: cheer up, it’s only a game. Shame that access to vape technology is more of a life and death thing.

This year has been slated as one wreaking havoc and carnage at every turn, momentous global events and the loss of respected entertainers. Vaping has never been under such pressure from legislators and officious public health dictators – so how about we pull a leaf from the Brexit and Trump campaigns?

Let’s be fair, the California Department of Public Health open that door when it launched its Still Blowing Smoke campaign. When Stanton Glantz drives along Research Highway, truth is just something standing on a corner he briefly waves at. It’s time for some post-truth pro-vaping facts to get out there.

POST-TRUTH VAPING FACT 1

Vaping is sexy. In studies we just made up: vapers report lasting longer than anybody else, having more partners than anybody else AND have orgasms that are 74.2% more enjoyable than other people’s.

POST-TRUTH VAPING FACT 2

Switching to electronic cigarettes has been linked to improved performance at work and more promotions. A leading researcher who doesn’t exist said: “In 7 out of 10 cases, someone who vaped occupied the more senior position and took home at least 20% of their salary in annual bonuses.” Having not spoken to a recruitment consultant, it transpires that vapers are more likely to be listed for interview at the application stage and are always offered the job on the spot.

POST-TRUTH VAPING FACT 3

Eliquid doesn’t contain any carcinogens when vaped. In fact, it carries all the danger of a puppy in a fluffy blanket in a room full of pillows. Since 2016, all juice manufacturers have replaced any diacetyl and aldehydes with happiness and love – which is what the rest of the liquid was anyway.

POST-TRUTH VAPING FACT 4

Vaping repels mosquitos, vermin, spiders and anything else you don’t like – such as people selling double-glazing. Anything that upsets you can now be cured with a quick vape.

We have launched a couple of products to accommodate the dawn of this new vaping era. We will no longer be selling reels of wire as two 5cm lengths will do everything you could hope for. They will never go black and can continually be reformed into different coil types.

Our new wick may look like all the old wicks, but this is post-truth wick. It really does wick faster, stays cleaner and tastes better than anything else. Of course, none of this may be true – but does anybody care anymore?

The logical step came about when we realized that we needed to emulate those who inspire confidence and admirations – and nobody is more respected than bankers. Except maybe traffic wardens. So the idea for Bank of Stealthvape was born. In the Tesco mold, we want to grow to become a cradle to the grave lifestyle company. No, we’ve no idea what that means either; we probably overheard it on The Apprentice.

Are you looking for a credit card? A loan or mortgage? Maybe you need somewhere safe to pop your savings? And then there are always our class-leading investment products. Bank smart, bank SV. You can tell we are a quality financial institution because we use Comic Sans in our logo.

It can’t have escaped anybody’s attention that the pound has been tanking ever since we voted to do something that hasn’t happened. We’re no financial experts, not a prerequisite to setting up a bank, but we’re willing to bet the sterling continues to slump. That’s what you are relying on, our gut feelings over the future. And our gut tells us that you need to act now.

Bank of Stealthvape is offering you to grab hold of real pounds before they are worth less. Or worthless. As a special introductory offer you can turn those online banking pounds (that only exist on a computer screen) into real hard cash coin. Act now before your eBanking pounds plummet – you can buy genuine hard cash currency pounds from Bank of Stealthvape for ONLY ONE POUND. That is correct, you can’t lose: £1 in metal cash that can’t shrink for each £1 of made-up computer money. *Plus dealer fees, commission and a transaction charge

We know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking about Tesco Banking. You’re thinking that Bank of Stealthvape might be vulnerable to the same 12-yr old hacker who took 40,000 of their customers to the cleaners. It’s either that or you’re thinking about cheese.

The important thing is this, Tesco know about baked beans – we know about trying to nick people’s money. Tesco overlooked an important flaw in their system and one we have eliminated from Bank of Stealthvape: hackers can’t log into your account because we aren’t going to allow anybody access to the accounts.

Our current account has been designed to make it impossible for anybody but us to access. Plus, you can plan how to spend your SVBank points™ as you sit back and relax in the knowledge that your money couldn’t be any safer. Every tenner saved earns you an SVBank point™ – and points make prizes.

We have teamed up with a number of partners who will accept our reward points. Currently, these include Bexhill’s USA Fried Chicken, the CEMEX Denge quarry in Lydd and the Dartford-Thurrock River Crossing. You don’t enjoy luxuries like these with Nectar points.

All applications to open a new Bank of Stealthvape bank account should be made in writing on the back of a signed blank cheque and accompanied with your card details and PIN number. This, we should point out, is an essential part of our security checks to make sure that no fraudsters get inside the bank.

Until next time, you can always bank on Stealthvape.

As the hordes push through town centres like extras from The Walking Dead, anything slightly resembling a shop becomes a site for carnage and destruction. It doesn’t matter if the building is a home or somewhere to buy buns, they don’t care because they have a thirst to sate. The zombies hunger for consumer electrical products, they dive into a feeding frenzy the second the scent a 48” flat screen television – especially if it’s a brand name nobody has heard of before.

The thing is there’s just no guarantee they won’t mistake a home for one of those small local supermarkets. These shuffling, red-faced trolley pushers aren’t the sharpest knives in the cutlery drawer – it’s just the kind of thing they’d do in their quest to buy the seventeen toasters they don’t need.

If you want to join us in locking down your home and protecting those you love, start off by laying strips of Legos across the road either side of your home. On one hand, the Lego block is strong enough to survive the weight of a fully laden articulated lorry, so traffic will carry on unimpeded, but a line of them will provide an impassable barrier to the trollies.

Then it’s time to break out the full collection of vape devices from wherever you store them. Pile up the blankets, duvets, one hosepipe, a lilo pump and a large supply of ready charged lithium-ion batteries. Obviously, if you haven’t already erected a metal hoarding fence then get out there and do it now. We need the atomisers attacked to the hose and being powered by the pump along the length of the barrier. The aim is to provide a fog bank of vape, what these people can’t see they can’t queue up next to.

The last line is for when all is forsaken. If the defences are breached then you don’t want them touching then engaging you in conversation about Ant and Dec. This is how normal people get turned.

If it comes to this, there’s no point thinking about what might have been. Grab cotton wicks and set fire to them. We’ve no idea if this will help but we’re reasonably sure the light and sounds will attract them away from where we are. Sorry, but it’s every person for themselves.

Good luck.

Autumn is amazing with its leafy hues and low-level light, as the chlorophyll ebbs from the surround its green is replaced by a spectacular range of reds, oranges and browns. Describing the vista, painted by the hand of a planet spinning away from the Sun, is what the word sumptuous was created for.

Summer is simply a warmer version of spring, and even then it gets it wrong more often than not. Winter should have been sued for misrepresentation decades ago – part and parcel of being winter should be the provision of a thick blanket of snow to prevent people from having to do things they’d prefer not to.

Not autumn, you don’t mistake autumn for summer – certainly not since councils stopped sweeping up the leaves for children to kick. Admittedly, we don’t get here easily. Summer ends up like a late night town centre drunk, stumbling home via a kebab shop. Eventually life is all hot mugs of tea, a good vape and morning frost.

This time of year offers up the best of colours in the same way vape does. While caution has always been the watchword with regards strong colours in liquids, there are plenty of other visual delights.

The changing of the metal season is a gradual slide into darkness. While some relish the build up of a deep patina for others it signifies an impending rebirth. With a polishing cloth and the substance of choice, brass leaps from its winter-like slumber into full-blown summer glory. Radiant golds present only one problem as hands leave instant marks. How many vapers sit around after a good polish cupping their mod in tissue so they can vape and preserve the sheen?

It is why the all-black devices or stainless steel rigs have never appealed. Those who prefer their appearance are welcome to them. The reliable countenance pales when compared with the wonder of polished copper.

The only downside is when cleaning up copper pins. They undergo their transformation with some lemon juice in a little plastic beaker, from brown to pink with nothing more than gentle agitation. And then forgotten about until the hand that was reaching for a warming autumnal sloe gin picks up the wrong vessel by mistake.

Fresh copper loses its appeal somewhat when the taste of sloe and tonic is replaced by oxide and lemon. The love of colour is lost at this moment and not even the pretty leaves can help.