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The thing is we have always stood up for what is correct, regardless of the risk or consequences. When the vaping community looked for guidance on the big issues (like the time nobody knew which Britain’s Got Talent person to vote for), we were there. We’ve always been there for you.

And so, when we now speak up in defence of headphone manufacturers everywhere you know it is coming from a place of truth and honesty. A place where nobody here has been visited by a representative from the Performing Right Society clutching a fat brown envelope.

Firstly, and we need to make this expressly clear, headphones do not just explode. There are at least hundreds of people who have a set of headphones, probably more, and none of them have ever experienced a head-based November 5^th.

The music community is quite clear on this, the user must have been fiddling with the unit and not fully aware of the ramifications of changing certain settings. Did she play them too loud? Had she done her homework and studied musical notation? It’s easy to say that this all happened because she didn’t know a crotchet from a semibreve – so that’s what we’re going to say.

In a recent piece of research, Music Lovers England pointed out that headphones have aided many a tune lover to escape from the harmful effects of going to live concerts. Traditional live music poses a genuine health risk, not least for the close proximity of many coughing, spluttering and generally grubby other tune lovers. Headphones have helped all of us here and probably helped you too.

Typically, ignorant anti-headphone campaigners have leapt on this event to cry out that bangs a mile up should be restricted to airplane toilets. “Headphones are too unsafe,” they holler, “and need to be restricted by law.”

“You see these people wandering around with headphones on,” explained one chubby, red-faced zealot. “You don’t know where they were purchased, you don’t know what they were made from and (unless you are sharing public transport with the user) you have no idea what music’s in them.”

What nonsense.

Any audiophile will tell you that it’s far safer to listen to music through headphones than hang around with Keith Richards for a morning. The campaigners know this too, that’s why they’ll quickly move on to tell you that the people making headphones are pushing them at children.

“They are available in colours that have obviously been designed to attract kids,” the zealot added, frothing at the mouth. “Not only do these headphones renormalise listening to bad music but they have been proven to be a gateway to get children hooked on Nickleback.”

Gateway? What absolute guff. Once you’ve tasted a set of headphones you’ll never go back to licking The Levellers or Rage Against The Machine. The message is simple: headphones work and we enjoy using them. If you are unsure how to use headphones safely, then ask for help from the person who sold them to you or get onto a headphone-lover’s forum.

The authors, from the Université de Bordeaux, have released a paper titled Poor replication validity of biomedical association studies reported by newspapers. In other words, from the research that newspapers give coverage to, did any of that research stack up in the long term?

Short answer even shorter: no.

Sort of.

The team “used a database of 4723 primary studies included in 306 meta-analysis articles. These studies associated a risk factor with a disease in three biomedical domains, psychiatry, neurology and four somatic diseases. They were classified into a lifestyle category (e.g. smoking) and a non-lifestyle category (e.g. genetic risk). Using the database Dow Jones Factiva, we investigated the newspaper coverage of each study. Their replication validity was assessed using a comparison with their corresponding meta-analyses.”

The team discovered that papers (they didn’t include television news, but believe it’s led by the print coverage) never covered studies reporting null findings. Unless the research had a juicy attention grabbing ‘these things make this happen to you!’ they simply aren’t interested. Also, if a follow up study fails to demonstrate the same shock results (thereby casting doubt on the initial findings) journalists almost never mention it in follow up pieces. The team write: “This is correlated to an even larger coverage of initial studies in psychiatry. Whereas 234 newspaper articles covered 35 initial studies that were later disconfirmed, only 4 press articles covered a subsequent null finding and mentioned refutation of an initial claim”.

The paper goes on to highlight the bias within the bias: “Newspapers preferentially reported lifestyle association studies linking a pathology to a risk factor on which each reader can act. Non-lifestyle studies related to brain imaging, genetic factor or other inescapable risk factors were less often echoed.”

What does this mean? Well, as we all thought, the coverage of scientific studies (including vape-related ones) only get into newspapers if there is a strong enough commercial pull. The strength of the story, the importance of the value of the science, is discounted when weighed up against the value of the advertising revenue it stands to generate.

The team state as part of the conclusion: “journalists preferentially cover initial findings although they are often contradicted by meta-analyses and rarely inform the public when they are disconfirmed.”

It is all about the shock value or stories that beg the question “What can I do to avoid this awful thing happening to me?” People have attacked journalists such as The Telegraph’s science editor Sarah Knapton on social media, justifiably, for some woeful coverage. The Bordeaux study adds credence to the concerns held by vaping advocates, even if it doesn’t lend a lot of hope for the future.

In a throwback to the controlling standards of the 1930s, busybodies are very concerned about how and where you vape. OK, the cynics out there would say that this is nothing more than a marketing exercise by Vype eCigarettes, but the newspapers have had a field day.

Vype, in conjunction with Debrett’s have decided that it’s time to tell us all what we should be doing. So, like the deferential serfs we are, it’s probably best if we familiarized ourselves with their codes of conduct.

“Decisions about where or where not to vape, and where to allow vaping, are largely discretionary, and civilised vaping is dependent on good manners, from vapers and non-vapers alike. However, there is some confusion about vaping best practice. In the same survey, 57 per cent of respondents said that they were baffled by the social rules of vaping, and nearly half agreed that it is unclear where you can and cannot vape.”

Yes, almost two thirds of us are baffled by the social rules of vaping. Stop sniggering at the back.

“Almost half of the survey respondents considered vaping in a confined space such as a lift or waiting room to be the most serious breach of etiquette a vaper could commit.”

Oh good, so that time our friend Johnny 2Vapes was toking away on a nice custard while performing open-heart surgery is OK. And Glenda the Undertaker, her cloud chasing while taking the body to the mortuary was fine as well. I’m glad we cleared those up.

“Vaping in a restaurant was considered the second worst vaping faux pas.”

Hear that Darren? Your wife was totally wrong. It was fine for you to be recoiling and filling up while carrying out your husbandly bedroom duties. It would only be what she said if you’d been doing it in Frankie & Benny’s.

“[Travel] policies can be frustrating for vapers, especially on long journeys, but travelling can be a stressful experience generally, with delays, overcrowding and traffic jams all putting a strain on good manners. For your own benefit as much as for those around you, accept any restrictions with as much good humour as possible.  You can always take advantage of designated smoking areas.”

Oh that’s wonderful and dandy, thank you Debrett’s. Thank you for wanting to shove us all back into a designated smoking area. Has anybody told you where to stick your hang on, I need to find my good humour.

“It is of course possible to vape discreetly, with minimal exhalation of vapour. But nobody wants to be ‘outed’ in a non-vaping zone, and stealth vaping was considered a faux pas by our survey respondents. It’s best to wait until you’re somewhere where it’s acceptable to vape so that you can do so openly.”

OK, sorry Debrett’s, but my good manners vanished when you begin attacking the stealth vape. You and Vype can go stick your fauxs in your pases. Do you pay heed to this kind of stuff? Are there vaping boundaries you think it is really wrong to cross?

Their full guide can be found here.

“What have I done to deserve this?” sing the Pet Shop Boys as I type away. And I stumble across the tale of Helen Twelvetrees, or Helen Marie Jurgens as her family in Brooklyn named her. Twelvetrees was a successful Hollywood star for Pathé, and then as an independent, as the industry spanned itself from silent films to talkies. Helen stepped into the hole left by those actors who couldn’t or wouldn’t add their voice to their craft. She went on to help forge the ‘Women’s Films’ genre, celluloid romps into tearful dramas covering issues facing the women of the day: domestic life, the family, motherhood, self-sacrifice, and romance. Not much has changed then, eh?

But Twelvetrees hid secrets behind those eyes, eyes described as being the saddest in Hollywood. Her first husband beat her and then tried to leap to his death from a window. She was coerced into making saucy snaps to make ends meet, and who knows what else in order to get the next paying job. Her life spiralled into bleakness and misery, culminating in just two people sitting at her funeral service.

So, filled with that drab story, part one of our mission is now complete. Your life is no longer Helen Twelvetrees levels of desolate. It’s dark outside, rain is hitting your panes and the office beckons you away from the duvet’s warmth – just tell yourself, “at least I’m not being expected to cry in front of a camera because dinner is ruined”.

No, it’s time to hunt out the Vapefest website. It’s time to get your vape act together and book that weekend off as holiday and sort out somewhere to sleep. It’s time to pick up that vape and remind yourself how good that flavour is. Why? Because when you have a sense of purpose your body produces dopamine. When you are sitting chatting with friends about vaping, and feeling part of a group, your body produces oxytocin. Plus, throughout this, your brain is chucking out serotonin that regulates long-term happiness.

Vaping isn’t just a tobacco replacement product, it’s not that clinical, it’s a passport to happiness and contentment. From the aesthetic of watching a plume of donut-flavoured vape curl and twist to the hormone-delivered sense of balance and tranquillity – you can literally vape yourself happier.

The Vapefest website can be found here, it’s on from Saturday 5th August 2017 10am-10pm & Sunday 6th August 2017 10am-8pm. Last year’s photos are in the video below. Here comes the summer!

Yes, vaping is better than smoking. Vaping is better than lung cancer, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, heart disease and strokes. It’s better than asthma, premature and underweight babies. It’s better than diabetes, cataracts and age-related macular degeneration. Vaping is better than colon, cervix, liver, stomach and pancreatic cancer – in fact all of the secondary cancers that accompany the primary smoking-related cancer.

Vaping is better than having clothes that stink, halitosis, yellow fingers and gum disease. It’s better than the need to stand outside your back door in the rain or live in rooms full of overflowing ashtrays. Vaping is better than sucking down acrid smoke because vaping means rediscovering flavour, delicate sweet flavour.

Vaping is the freedom offered by a motorbike when motorways have become gridlocked. It’s a group that writes and plays its own music in a world full of company conveyor-belt boy and girl bands. It’s an underdog scoring the 89^th minute winner in the FA Cup final. It’s catching the perfect wave, not dropping a stitch, landing a catch, holding the pose and completing the crossword.

Smoking is the sweary TV chef who cries, the weird TV chef in a cottage with few friends, the TV chef by the sea who charges too much for fried fish and the (frankly bizarre) TV chef who makes food out of concrete and Lemsip. Smoking is all of those ridiculous people – vaping is Mary Berry. Sweet, loveable Mary Berry.

Vaping is getting a brilliant exam grade although you didn’t bother revising. It’s giving up on relationships and then literally bumping into a soul mate on the bus. It’s getting an email from the National Lottery letting you know you’re a winner.

Because you are a winner. You won the second you made the decision to switch away from smoking. You won seconds, then minutes – and then hours. Life began stretching out in front of you once more.

It carries risks, but risks that are almost 1/100^th of those posed by the old habit. It poses greater harm to a healthy bank balance more than anything else due to vaping’s “gotta collect ‘em all” nature. It reduces harm. If smoking is a bloody mixed martial arts scrap, vaping is a bedroom pillow fight at a teenage girl’s sleepover. It’s an electric-powered bicycle versus a Penny Farthing.

The biggest problem facing current smokers is that they believe the lies spouted by pharmaceutical company shills. They believe those lies and ignore the simple truth that vaping is better than smoking. Vaping is healthier than smoking: we say it, experts say it, and the PHE/RCP/Cochrane reports say it.

Sea is usually found near the shore. It wasn’t this week, it was flying over the top of it and onto the land. It was like rain, but skipping several water cycle steps. The impact was devastating; it was impossible for people (who live near the seaside) to go to the shops without being accosted by a television or radio journalist.

Thanks to a drop in air pressure, and journalist standards, what used to be called a very windy day has now been renamed a “weather bomb”. The wind (must be foreign as it’s coming from across the sea) has become a weather terrorist bent on causing destruction to our way of life. You know it’s as serious as it could get because the Met Office has declared this worthy of an Amber Alert, the most colourful of alerts.

It’s not just the things Doris the Air Bomber is doing, journalists are also imagining ways she will mess us up in the future. Upcoming storm facts, if you will. Or, if you prefer, fiction presented as journalism. Some are predicting that Doris will force Labour voters to stay away from the ballot box in Stoke.

It’s the new age, it’s a time where we don’t have to bother with stupid inconveniences like facts any longer. What? You don’t want to like something? Well simply go ahead and make some stuff up. Traffic jams are caused by the decline of the cooked breakfast. Ant and Dec are responsible for the delays in A&E departments.

Oh, and kids have invented a new, horrific way of doing drugs – it’s called “Dripping”.

Dripping, that newest of new things. That thing where they “drop liquid directly ONTO THE COIL”! Oh you stupid, stupid kids – how could you? Not directly onto the coil for flip sake. Don’t you know that it causes cancer? It must do because this lobotomised pair of space cadets say so; we don’t need no research education. They are “hacking” the e-cigarette to “get stronger hits” and it’s “incredibly dangerous”, so says Rebel Circus.

It’s not just these minor league new media outlets, the traditional press fell for the shock and fear agenda as well. USA Today, Fox, and the Mail all covered this nonsense research. There is one hope: maybe Storm Doris could blow away the people who write such garbage.

If you don’t want to smoke then just quit, so one of the arguments goes. But people look at you funny if you suggest they should become vegetarians if they don’t like to eat tripe. What we’ve done here is to cover a lot of the popular objections to vaping that crop up on social media and offer up a reply you can use, most with a link to some actual science.

While there are no guarantees that this will convince doubters, at least it provides an alternative to suggesting they do something painful and permanent.

“It has chemicals in it”

As does your bacon sandwich. The only important aspect is the volume of “bad” chemicals – and, as vaping is a substitute for smoking, the important thing is that without combustion it doesn’t contain almost all of the toxic, carcinogenic chemicals in tobacco smoke. It’s the lack of those other chemicals that caused researchers in Bristol to say that switching to vaping is better for heart cells.

“I don’t want your second-hand smoke”

The problem with this is that objecting to having a large vape cloud blown into your face is quite justifiable. But, just to allay fear, current understanding is that there are minimal contaminants in exhaled vape – and nicotine content is tiny before being inhaled. And it isn’t smoke!

“They explode”

There have been (in the region of) 20-30 explosions over the last couple of years. While these look serious it needs to be remembered how many vapers there are – 2.8 million.

There have been problems with the same type of battery in laptops, cellphones and hoverboards. Still, the incidents of failure were minimal compared to the volumes of products out there and lithium-ion cells remain an excellent choice when balancing performance against cost. The vape-related incidents are almost exclusively the result of a person not following charging or use instructions.

“They give you popcorn lung”

Let’s give it its real name: bronchiolitis obliterans. And no, vaping does not cause this disease. How do we know? Because there has not been a single, verified, documented incident since vaping began. Moreover, vape carries a fraction of the chemical called diacetyl compared to cigarette smoke – and there has not been a single incident of bronchiolitis obliterans in fag smokers either.

“We don’t know what’s in them and we don’t know the short and long term effects”

We know very well what eliquid is made up from and extensive testing has identified the products once the liquid has evaporated and become vapour. Also, many of the toxin levels claim to have been found have been attributed to a dry wick being overheated – something only machines would do because it tastes bad. We know that vape does not contain the products of tobacco combustion – the causes of tobacco-related diseases. Also, we know that vaping is at least 95% safer and produces improvements in lung function.

“They’re marketed to children”

The notion that adults don’t eat sweets, cereals or donuts is a total nonsense. Likewise, the idea that only children watch cartoons is foolish. Recently, people decried a promotion linking Pokémon with vaping – but it’s almost entirely adults who play Pokémon Go.

“It’s a gateway to smoking & it normalises smoking for children”

No it isn’t and no it doesn’t, and there’s overwhelming proof: vaping has been a mainstream activity for almost a decade and, during this time, smoking rates have continued to plummet. Stats illustrate this, like those produced by Professor Robert West: Trends in e-cigarette use, presentation to European Conference on Tobacco or Health. If there were a gateway effect we’d be seeing growing rates of teen smokers – the only place this claims to happen is in the States (where they wrongly classify vaping as smoking). Recently, this study debunked the entire notion that there is a gateway effect.

“They don’t work anyway”

Honestly, they do. Tens of thousands of online forum members and even more social media users stand to the fact that it helps smokers escape from the grip of tobacco. Research says it works, and here, here too.

That’s just the beginning of the advert. Shortly after that the sky is lit up by the laser engraving machine spelling out, in clear detail, what a brilliant idea it would be to hand over a large sum of money to protect everything on your vape desk should disaster strike.

And disasters strike.

We’ve looked at the best practice from across the insurance world and believe we’ve identified the key features to make Stealthvape’s Vape Insurance Enterprise the world’s leading insurance company for vapers.

A great advert. Some people might have thought fiscal probity might be the first on the list, but do those people have the world’s first insurance company for vapers? No, no they do not. A great advert has something that will annoy or offend absolutely everyone. Dancing is one of those things. And then we’ll also be using a voiceover from an out-of-date comedian who can’t find work elsewhere – he’ll be doing comedy regional accents. Some people will be annoyed by his take on their voice, others will be upset he didn’t do their nondescript part of the United Kingdom.

Next up comes a really great name change. Just as you are used to our name, just as you remember what Stealthvape’s Vape Insurance Enterprise does everything changes. What is the name of our insurance branch? What? “Stealthvape’s Vape Insurance Enterprise”? Wrong. It became SVI four lines ago. By the end of the article it will have changed again.

Logos are great and everything, but everybody knows a twelve year old with a pack of Crayolas can do the same work that so-called experts charge loads of money for. So we’ve employed a six year old, they’re half the price of their older counterparts and understand nothing about employment law.

So, to the dirty business of insurance.

You might have questions about what we are going to cover, how claims will be made and when you can look forward to your cheque but let’s be honest, that’s not what insurance is about at all. You are going to send us an unreasonable amount of cash in exchange for the illusion that you have some kind of cover, the fun of filling in forms and then the excitement of hearing your name mentioned during an episode of BBC’s Watchdog. We aren’t bringing you a safety blanket, we’re offering you a spicy edge to life. Awesome? It’s the kind of thing you’ve come to expect from StealthIns Co.

In consecutive weeks of the New Year, three papers have been published that deal with the subject of a gateway effect. The first, published in the Addictive Behaviours journal, is called Electronic cigarette use and uptake of cigarette smoking: A longitudinal examination of U.S. college students.

Although the study discovered that there is an increased likelihood of vaping teens going on to experiment with cigarettes, it revealed the simple truth that teens vaping does not mean they go on to become full-time smokers: “Current e-cigarette users at baseline were no more likely to progress to current smoking than young adults who were not using e-cigarettes.”

It’s the weakest of the three studies, but it still confirms that vaping is no predictor of future smoking behaviour. The second offers much stronger affirmation, and comes from The Centre for Substance Use Research in Scotland.

Visible Vaping: E-Cigarettes and the Further De-Normalization of Smoking was published in the International Archives of Addiction Research and Medicine.

96% of the young people taking part in the study were able to distinguish between vaping devices and traditional tobacco cigarettes, and expressed absolutely no desire to smoke. Is there a gateway? “If anything,” said the lead researcher, “the results of this study show the opposite is true. Vaping is making smoking less interesting for non-smokers.”

The third study was conducted in Canada, where public vaping has been under attack. Clearing the Air: A systematic review on the harms and benefits of e-cigarettes and vapour devices is available online from the University of Victoria website.

The researchers were unambiguous in their findings: “There is no evidence of any gateway effect whereby youth who experiment with vapour devices are, as a result, more likely to take up tobacco use. The available evidence is that tobacco use by youth has been declining while use of vapour devices has been increasing”.

One of the two lead researchers went on to add: “Fears of a gateway effect are unjustified and overblown. From a public health perspective, it’s positive to see youth moving towards a less harmful substitute to tobacco smoking’.

There’s only one gateway involved with vaping – and that’s the one-way route away from tobacco smoking.

That is correct: running low on juice or suddenly seeing your only battery is almost out of charge, and you can’t get to replacements. Let’s be clear here, this isn’t the same as actually being out of juice or power. When you are out it’s all over, the job is done, there’s nothing you can do. It’s the difference between playing a game on your tablet when the ship’s shield are getting low and the waves of aliens are pummelling you – and game over. The anxiety is all in the anticipation.

Do I turn down the power for a poorer vape, just to eek some extra life out of this cell? Do I take fewer and shallower puffs to make the juice last? Do stop for the moment and save it all for when I’m gagging? All these questions flood the mind – as well as the nagging anger that you failed to bring a spare for the spare. Something this trivial has the potential to ruin a perfectly good day, turning a Friday afternoon into a Monday morning.

This is why we thought about creating the Stealthvape Vape Booth™.

That’s correct, it’s a solution for everybody who experiences a time out with his or her vaping equipment. When the atty begins to gurgle, when the red light replaces the green one on the power bar, hasten yourself to the nearest Stealthvape Vape Booth™ operator.

For busy localities in town and city centres, we have an operator-controlled unit that comes with a variety of mouthpieces, each one sterilised after use. It caters for fussy vapers by incorporating an extensive range of flavours and nicotine strengths. Settle in, vape and relax.

For quieter places, a self-operated Stealthvape Vape Booth™ will be placed in a convenient location such as a village hall. You will need to insert a prepayment card and make your selection on the keypad. Prepayment cards can be topped up online or using the debit card slot on the booth.

Both types of units hold a capacity to last for over eighteen months. Vapers can pay per visit (by the puff or hour) or, for your convenience, take out a monthly subscription. With the latter option you’ll never have to worry about taking kit out with you ever again. Pocket spaces will be freed up, and bags will be able to fit in at least three more hairbrushes and a packet of tissues. Your life will be your own again, not tied to the fear of a vapeless planet.

As ever, Stealthvape is doing the thinking so you don’t have to.