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Long-term vapers have witnessed a transition from something that was just about harm reduction then blossom into a product that is on-trend and fashionable. But, obviously, vapers can’t simply enjoy vaping without someone telling them why they ought to stop. This week it’s the turn of people who enjoy doing vape stunts and tricks.

Published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, researchers from RTI International are warning about “risk factors” associated with “vape trick behaviour“.

Lead author Jessica Pepper explained the rationale behind conducting the study: “Earlier studies have shown that some teens vape because they think it looks cool. Others want to try the fruit- and candy-flavoured e-liquids used to make vape clouds. Vape tricks may be another factor. I can see why teens might be interested. Some of the tricks are fascinating.”

The paper the team produced states: “Vape tricks are an emerging and understudied risk behaviour for adolescents. Given the potential association between vape trick behaviour, motivation to use [vape devices], and increased exposure to [vape] emissions due to using more advanced devices, it is important to understand what demographic, psychographic, or behavioural factors are associated with youth engagement in vape tricks.”

Unfortunately, the authors of the study are beginning from the premise that vaping poses a big danger and, secondly, that these teens wouldn’t have otherwise gone on to smoke.

Serious flaws exist in this study; teens were recruited online (using a $20 Amazon gift card inducement) and then completed questionnaires online. Such methodology places a huge question mark over the reliability of the data obtained – which carries on through to the dubious conclusions the team come to:

• “Research suggests that [ecig] use is not free of harm.
• Ecig users are more likely to progress to smoking combustible cigarettes.
• The nicotine in e-liquid can be harmful.
• Even e-liquid without nicotine produces harmful chemical emissions.
• Vape trick behaviour also could influence health. For example, vaping blogs suggest different configurations of batteries and different types of e-liquid to produce the biggest clouds or do the best tricks.”

The group failed to take any measurements and are therefore totally unable to quantify any perceived danger. They remain as ignorant as to the performance of a trick (duration of inhale, components of the vape, impact on lung tissue) as they were prior to the research program’s inception.

In fact, it’s a struggle to work out what the point of the work was given how it has failed, by any measure, to move understanding forward. It’s also amazing that the company can make the claim: “RTI is at the forefront of research on e-cigarettes. Because of our wide-ranging expertise, we are ideally positioned to provide insights on these products from a variety of scientific perspectives, including public health and policy, pharmacology and toxicology, aerosol technology, and health communications.”

The full research paper can be accessed here.

Stan drove a pudgy finger into one of the seventeen folds hanging off his chin. The scratch sent dead skin tumbling onto his blank Mindmap sheet. Boys at school learn how to affect a certain expression, a practised look they summon up on command when a teacher asks the class a question. It says I’m thinking very hard about something so please don’t ask me directly.

Mart stroked his beard. Beard stroking is the international sign of a man who believes himself to be intellectually superior to everybody else in the room. Invariably, the absolute opposite is the case – but today, looking at Stan screwing up his face while pretending to think, Mart knew he really was the sharpest knife in this cutlery drawer. He began to doodle for inspiration.

“I think,” Stan spluttered, “that we might have come up with all the ideas. I think the reason we can’t think of anymore is that we have thought of all of the ideas and now there are none left.”

It was a reasonable guess. The pair of them had invented lies about flavours, brand names and colours being used to target children. They’d laughed until their tummies hurt when they came up with the whole nanoparticle thing. Then they hit gold with the idea they could simply copy every piece of vape research but make up some numbers so it says the opposite. Each time Stan hears “Opposite Land” now he has to go and put on dry underpants.

“Saying we’ve thought of everything isn’t an option,” admonished Mart. “And if we have thought of every thinkable thing then maybe it’s time to think the unthinkable.”

Stan nodded, his cheeks continued to wobble after he’d finished, but he really had no idea what Mart meant.

“We need a danger that smokers and vapers haven’t been scared about yet. We need something that scientists can’t disprove – like when we made up that rubbish about the gateway effect…that it ‘could’ lead to smoking. Try disproving that, scientific community!” And Mart laughed.

“Hang on a minute,” Mart shouted as he dropped his pencil. “Aliens!”

Stan’s expression changed to the one you find on a fat boy when a Greggs employee pulls a new tray of hot pies out of the oven. He could eat Martin up, every scrap.

“We simply say that electronic vaping nicotine delivery device systems give out sub frequencies, acting as beacons for warlike pan-galactic alien races. Using nicotine in this way will ENDS the planet – that’s how bloody selfish vapers are.”

The duo managed to publish three finely crafted research papers in the five minutes after generating the idea, using drawings instead of data tables, depicting the carnage and mayhem. Donald Trump tweeted his congratulations for their patriotic work.

Police are currently hunting for a group of young males in West Belfast after some school boys were attacked. They believe that a stun gun resembling an electronic cigarette was involved.

Three boys, aged between 12 and 13, were attacked and struck on the neck by the stun gun, and one fell to the ground. Detective Inspector Paul Rowland said: “Each of the boys felt something on their neck and one of them fell to the ground. Two of the boys subsequently attended hospital for treatment to minor injuries. While we believe some kind of small electronic device was used, we are keeping an open mind, but are appealing to anyone who has any information about this incident, or who may have witnessed it to contact detectives on the non-emergency number 101, quoting reference 811 06/09/17.”

Stun guns disguised as popular items is nothing new; there were reports of iPhone versions back in 2015. The stun vape version hit the news last year and gang members were claiming they’d managed to import them from America: “The old bill has no idea. Everyone is on e-cigs these days so they don’t look out of place.”

It’s good to hear that none of the victims suffered any serious damage, but it’s troubling that this could reflect poorly on vaping if such weapons became more widely available.

We’ve helped to highlight attacks on vape stores and thefts of vape kit in the past. Each time there will be many comments about what people would like to do to the perpetrators. This actually happened in Indonesia recently.

A young man broke into the Old Vape House, South Jakarta, and is alleged to have stolen a mod worth around £100. Seven men are reported to have attacked him, resulting in his death. Four of them have been arrested while three remain on the run.

It serves as a caution to anybody thinking such things deserve direct action. For such an insignificant amount of money, one man is now dead and seven others face a long term in prison.

But Jakarta is no stranger to vape-related crime; the local police have also recently arrested a number of people for distributing drugs inside bottles of eliquid.

People would transfer around £150 directly into a bank account and wait for a person to deliver their 60ml bottle of narcotics. The police didn’t say what the drug was, just that it was “similar” to the effect of smoking marijuana.

A soft sentence for a soft drug then? Not a chance: the Indonesian 1997 Narcotics Law carries a maximum life sentence or the death penalty.

As Crimewatch’s Nick Ross said: “Don’t have nightmares, do sleep well.”

Say hello to a bright new dawn. Say hello to an exciting future. Say hello to the only must-have item in the world of electronic cigarettes. Say hello to the peak of Mount Vaping. Say goodbye to the contents of your wallet, purse, bags and pockets. Say “Bloody hell, I need that in my life!”

World, welcome iWire X!

Our new partner said to us that we’d be better off launching iWire 1 to the market. We scoffed at them. While that brand might know the fruit that’s always left uneaten in fruit bowls, and maybe phones, and computers, they certainly do not know vapers.

Vapers don’t want iWire 1. Whatever that concept was it became outdated a week later when we’d have launched iWire 2. By the following lunchtime, we’d have been doing a press conference about iWire 3 and announcing that all support for iWire 1 had been scrapped. No, this is the future and that means something with an X on the end of the name.

Class-leading features

Like any great product worth having, it is reassuringly expensive in the United States. At a cracking $129 a reel, it screams “aspirational vaping accessory“. Such a desirable product would be let down if we didn’t pretend that exchange rates and import duties justified the UK price of £189.

How many other reels of wire come in a bespoke box? None, that’s how many. And if they did then it wouldn’t be a white box with two free stickers and a dedicated set of matching earplugs. This is how you recognise quality – this is how people know you are a human of distinction.

The iWire X is ahead of the curve with a dynamic 6cm of width, a touch sensitive reel and facial recognition. Yes, that’s correct, you read it correctly – the iWire reel comes complete with face recognition. All you need to do is stare at the reel, take in its simple form while it processes the millions of points on your head. Then you are all set to go.

Clearly, there is no speaker or screen so you are going to have to take our word for it that facial recognition works…but when have we ever lied to you?Other reels are fiddly to use; everybody knows that. Wire spools off when you least want it to. So does the iWire, but that is a design feature so that everybody nearby can see you are using iWire and therefore attractive, intelligent and desirable.

Our iWire X is the very first wire for coiling that has had a roaming function designed into the product and will also accept MicroSIM cards. It won’t do anything with them afterwards, but it is comforting to know they are accepted.

Of course, iWire X only works with the iMod and iAtomiser. To purchase them you will need to book an appointment with one of our iGenies at the iStealthVapeStore. Once there, we can advise you of the best organs to sell in order to afford the complete package. Credit checks can be performed in-store to see if you qualify for our obscenely expensive loans.

iWire X – the product people want only because other people want it!

Surströmming. What is it? Where does it come from? Can a doctor clear it up if it’s caught early enough? The answer is that we don’t know. Well, we know it’s herring, but shortly after you appreciate this fact everything becomes a huge bucketload of “You what?!”

For reasons only known to themselves, 16^th Century Swedes took rotten Baltic sea herrings and fermented them for a minimum of six months until they got all bitter and incredibly stinky. Then they ate them. At least some of them did. Enough for the next generation of Swedes to give it a go too. And so on. Until the Internet was invented and the world discovered Surströmming – and also found out that almost all Swedes have never heard of it until they read the Internet.

But it’s hardly caviar or a juicy burger, what gives it an element of desirability? It could be the retch-inducing stench when the tin is opened, it could be the repulsive taste – but we reckon it’s because of the bans.

First off, European politicians (being European politicians) tried to ban the fearsome fishy feast because it is too high in polychlorinated biphenyl. We simply aren’t allowed to make our own choices, right? Anyway, Sweden won a special concession on the basis that they made a good argument or invented Vikings or something.

Then it was time for British Airways and Air France to led all of the airline companies in bringing in their own ban. They argued that the fermentation caused the tins to become pressurised – and therefore constituted little fishy bombs that could go off without any notice.

The Swedish Surströmming Academy cried out: “Oh for Cods hake!” They pointed out flights should ban champagne and French cheese as it posed as much risk.

But when things get banned people become interested in seeing it, touching it and trying it. The plane operators did more than the politicians could manage with a deft swish of a pen on a document: they made Surströmming interesting to the world. They made Surströmming a little bit sexy.

And so our government has launched its big plan to combat the remaining problem of stubborn smoking-related diseases in the UK. They see vaping as a major part of the solution, which is nice. But our message to them is simple: make vaping devices illegal and force liquid manufacturers to make juices smell bad, taste awful and come in sealed tins. Remaining smokers know all about ecigs, they are choosing not to use them – so give them a reason, make it exciting like Surströmming.

Maybe you are aware of the awesomeness that was the original Doom. Millions of otherwise healthy and sane adults were stuck to their PCs in the early 90s, as they battled with hordes of demons and seemingly endless waves of the undead.

And if you knew this, then you might also be aware that there was a reboot of the franchise in 2016. The games company Bethesda gave deadheads another dose of well-received goretastic mayhem. Even if you knew all of this already, did you also know there were some special satanic secrets?

One of the songs in the game is called Cyberdemon, and programmers cleverly hid the number 666 and a pentagram as images in the track’s frequencies – only visible using a spectrogram. It’s in the video below if you want to play it to the residents at a local old people’s home or for a primary school class assembly.

The hidden stuff in games is nothing new; product placement in video games has been going on for a while – from Pepsi Invaders in 1983 to Obama election campaign ads on billboards within multiple games. The thing is this, now researchers are experimenting with something similar in order to warn kids off vaping.

The University of Connecticut has received a grant of almost $400,000 (£308,000) from America’s National Institutes of Health to target game-playing teens with anti-smoking messages. Apparently, according to the beneficiary of this cash, postdoc psychologist Christopher Burrows, teens are more susceptible to these messages when playing games. So him and his mate Hart Blanton have created a first-person shooter and a car racing games as vehicles to carry public health messages.

“With surveys indicating that 97% of adolescents and 80% of young adults play video games for entertainment, use of entertainment video games as a tool for delivering graphic warnings has tremendous potential to influence youth cigarette and e-cig rates.”

Did we say teens are more susceptible to accept messages? It sounds far better in the researchers’ words: “The project is needed to test the viability of ‘The Virtual Transportation Model of Health Communication,’ the theory that kids can be propagandised more easily when they are gaming.”

The pair intends on inserting anti-vape ads into two pre-existing games, get kids to play them and then ask them how they feel about vaping. Doubtless, to prove they should have more cash, they will discover that young people respond well to such messages and they need to carry out more trials with more game formats.

And the fact that vaping is 95% safer than smoking will be lost on them all.

So, is vaping Doomed? Highly unlikely, although it may be time to go IDDQD on American anti-vape organisations.

The Department of Health said today: “We are at a pivotal point where an end is in sight and a smoke-free generation a reality”

The plan offers up much-welcomed prospects, applauded across the industry, by intimating that we will see them roll back the nonsensical restrictions on atomiser tank size and the strength/size of juice bottles. More than that, the launch of the document included advice to all employers and business owners that vaping is not included in the smoking ban. Moreover, it has been suggested that employers should encourage smokers and ex-smokers to vape in the workplace.

Mark Pawsey MP: “In particular I am pleased that Public Health England’s anti-smoking campaigns will now positively reference their vaping advice and that the government has committed to relook at relevant legislation as we exit the EU.”

Will Hill, British American Tobacco: “It is right that the government will review the measures imposed by the EU following Brexit and recognises that they have not been effective in delivering what they set out in doing.”

New Nicotine Alliance: “The government’s commitment to review the TRPR, with a view to altering those provisions which relate to e-cigarettes and the commitment to communicate accurate information about the relative risks of harm reduced products are, in particular, to be applauded.”

Simon Clark, FOREST: “In the 21st-century tobacco control policies should focus on harm reduction products, not prohibition and other restrictive practices.”

Duncan Selbie, Public Health England: “We are at a pivotal point where an end is in sight and a smoke-free generation a reality. But the final push, reaching the most vulnerable and disadvantaged, will undoubtedly be the hardest. Only by everyone pulling together can we hope to end the loss of life and suffering smoking has wreaked for far too long. Public Health England will do everything possible to make this happen.”

Deborah Arnott, ASH UK: “Funding must be found if the government is to achieve its vision of a ‘smokefree generation’.”

Sharon Hodgson, MP: “Whilst the plan sets out a bold approach to creating a smoke-free society, what it fails to do is recognise the deep cuts being inflicted upon local councils who are seeing their public health budgets slashed.”

The nonsense that has seen storeowners have to slash prices on liquids and equipment, to throwaway levels, caused emotional and financial pain that will never be reversed. But moving forward, reversing the more idiotic aspects of the Tobacco Products Directive is something to be welcomed as it allows consumer choice once again, and will work better for smokers looking to switch to vaping. It’s taken a long time to get here, but we warmly welcome the new tobacco control plan.

We called it; we said the thing the anti-THR (tobacco harm reduction) lobby feared most was vaping becoming a sexy thing. We pointed out the kittens they had when the pouty woman went all Cadbury’s Flake in a cigalike commercial. You remember? The one The Telegraph described as “sexy as watching someone gutting fish“? Now, we’re not going to slate someone else’s pleasure, but if that journo gets off on watching fish being gutted then, well, then that’s a little bit odd.

Vapers are now the compilation of all the sexy scenes from Game of Thrones (ask your children), those late night Channel 4 programs with the triangle in the corner (ask your Dad), and both sexes of Dr Who (we aren’t sure who watches this any longer). *And, no, we aren’t going to join in an argument about that last one.

And so we now have to apologise. Clearly, you are sitting there, scratching an intimate part and smelling your fingers, thinking: “I am sexy, I am a real sexy beast.”

Well, we’ve been disingenuous. We’ve stretched the truth. We’ve fibbed. Yes, vapers are sexier – a survey says so. We are totally more sexy than smokers.

Halo Cigs, purveyors of electronic cigarettes and vape kits, have conducted a survey looking at what the preferences are in online dating. From what we can ascertain about it, the app of choice will present you with a person. If you like them then you swipe right on the screen, conversely, swiping left if you don’t fancy the prospect.

Halo discovered that two out of three women will swipe left if faced with a smoker. Further to that, 64% of non-smoking men and women said they would not consider having a long-term relationship with a smoker.

Even smokers were biased against other smokers and would look for non-smokers. Ten percent of male and twenty percent of female smokers would refuse to form a relationship with other smokers.

Halo says: “The answers aren’t good news for the smoking crowd: men and women agree in their beliefs that smokers are addicted, enjoy nicotine, and are unhealthy due to their habits. A large majority of participants said smokers were addicted. Sixty-one percent of women thought smokers were unhealthy, just slightly higher than men. Additionally, only sixteen percent of women and twenty-one percent of men thought smoking was on trend.”

The company points out that vaping is far less offensive to prospective partners…which means it will make you sexier. So we are all more sexy than we thought we were this time last week. Have a great weekend!