Category Archives: Uncategorized

 

Actually, we all grow up with the option to listen to an engaged tone on the day tickets are released. Then we all love to go on to ticket reseller sites, thirty seconds later, because (magically) all the people who just bought the tickets are now no longer able to go. At a ridiculous mark-up.

How much do we love festivals? We love them so much that it is now the only acceptable medium through which to convey political ideas. First, there were wandering minstrels singing about the plague. Then came Corbyn’s Glastonbury ’17 set where he belted out some of his old favourites as well as things off his difficult new album? Even the Tory Party is going to set up its own Glastonbury (or, Gladstone-bury) to boost their popularity. Imagine the scene: Andrea Leadsom in a weekend hippy frock (claiming that she was once in The Fall), Michael Gove with beads around his neck, and Theresa May running around laying waste to a nearby crop.

It’s because we’ve been conditioned.

During the 1970s, an assortment of bearded horrors and future Yewtree suspects were kicked out from Broadcasting House. If you close your eyes you can picture them being forced with electric cattle prods into crates on the Radio 1 lorry. That’s not what happened, but it might help.

We were conditioned to think that if a job is worth doing then it shouldn’t be done in a small room. It should be done on a makeshift stage, in British weather, in front of a load of cheering people screaming out for free stuff. People who, instead of doing jobs or hobbies, are getting drunk and sunburnt/soaked.

Our current selection of ecigfests are all well and good, but all bar one are inside and none of them are going to reach those people who can benefit from vaping the most: non-smokers. This must be the reasoning behind The Science of Vaping tour; a national myth debunking jolly that kicked off in Milton Keynes. Thing is, nothing has been heard from them since the end of June. One can only but assume that the organisers fell into the comedy Amnesty Shredder or are still stuck in MK’s myriad of roundabouts.

So, as we’ve had the three days of sun that constitutes a good British summer, it’s almost definite that Halfords are now having a sale on camping stuff. We reckon that £30 will kit us out with a tent of marquee proportions, a multihob gas stove and some lilo repair kits. All we need is someone with a van and some pens to customise white T-shirts. Let’s get together and promote vaping with the Stealthvape Summer Festival of Vape Roadshow Extravaganza. Who’s in?

 

 

OK, fair enough, as a species we manage to make more than our fair share of idiotic decisions. We’ve created a system of politics that would be better housed in a circus, driving around in a clown car. We value voting for a performing dog over that of intellectual debate. While we’re busy pointing fingers: stand up if you purchased a copy of Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice. All 600,000 of you!

And if you bought the Jedward version, just leave the room now and never come back.

No, if you look at things that way then we don’t appear to be brighter than an old pair of slippers. But we aren’t looking at ourselves that way. We are thinking of higher things: the way that you are regulating your body temperature through feedback loops and evaporating your salty juices. The way your pulse will quicken when you spy Sports Direct is having a sale, and that you don’t think twice about breathing during the course of an average day.

“But hang on,” you say, “you can’t have us all claiming to be bright just for having the ability to not continuing holding a hand onto a red hot oven hob.”

Well, yes.

Public health people believe smokers are so stupid that they’ll quickly vape too much nicotine if left to their own devices. Although they haven’t stated this publicly, they also worry that once people start buying eliquids they’ll store it all in a bath. And then bathe in it while poking themselves in the eyes with 30ml bottles.

Clearly, the only safe thing to do was to campaign for juice bottles to be made tiny and restricting the volume of nicotine contained therein. We’re all far too stupid to be trusted.

Well, no.

If anybody has read Self-titration by experienced e-cigarette users: blood nicotine delivery and subjective effects, and that’s probably most of us, there’s continuing evidence that (if not us) our bodies are incredible.

“Incomplete self-titration may be due to a ‘saturation’ effect, that is, a limit on the volume of liquid that an individual can comfortably consume within a given time period, or because a given level of compensatory puffing is sufficient to achieve subjective satisfaction and alleviation of craving and withdrawal symptoms.”

We will vape only up to the point where the desire to do so is sated. Heavy users simply vape longer inhales more frequently to overcome a restricted volume of nicotine. This, in turn, leads to a higher coil temperature – which is the subject of ongoing investigation.

Consequently, it makes sense to reverse the 24mg limit (even if it only impacts on a small group of potential users) because there’s a lack of logic to the ban. Here’s hoping that MPs discover the innate intelligence our bodies possess, as they zoom about in their clown cars.

 

 

Time For Action was a harmless call to arms for people to go out at night-time, dress up smartly, and issue the bizarre extra-terrestrial demand “Take me to your leader”. The band showed the world what a call to action looks like, in their video, and it mainly consisted of standing around bored on staircases or in front of shops. It is highly likely that adopting this type of action contributed for the lack momentum in their revival.

When it comes to being a time for action for vapers, a slightly more energetic protest might be called for.

If you’ve been on holiday, living in a box or one of those vapid people on Love Island, you will have missed the news from San Francisco. No, they haven’t renamed it Trumplandia, in honour of the President – no, they’ve done something really stupid.

How stupid?

Banning all vape flavours apart from tobacco stupid. That’s how mind-numbingly stupid they were. Almost all vapers tend to kick off with tobacco juices and some choose to stay on them, only a minority mind you. Our survey last year showed that less than 10% of vapers regularly use tobacco flavours. We love custards, we love sweets and we love fruits.

The reason is obvious: shortly after switching from smoking tobacco cigarettes, our sense of taste begins to return. A world of sweet delights that had been closed off to use blossoms, taste buds explode with delight. And, because some of us are that way inclined, we love to vape juices that taste like Tooty Frooties.

This doesn’t matter to the fervent puritans bent on banning all forms of smoking. It looks like smoking to them and, what they hate even more, vapers appear to enjoy what they do. “Heavens to Betsy! You can’t actually enjoy vaping,” they holler. So, they have come up with a way to make sure you don’t.

“For too many years, the tobacco industry has selectively targeted our young adults with products that are deceptively associated with fruits and mint and candy,” lied the authoress behind the imbecilic legislation.

Will it make a difference?

Obviously not to current vapers, those who know what they’re doing will simply drive across the city limit to somewhere that sells what they used to buy. Others will hop online and order a delivery. What this does do is send a clear message that despite the advances being made in winning the argument in Europe, there is a stronghold of crass irresponsibility in California. There is a cohort of liars and charlatans who won’t stop in their mission to ban vaping in all forms, and they will take any measure necessary to achieve that end. We may be an ocean away but their influence spreads over to the UK.

Maybe you can go stand in a concrete stairwell, maybe you can loiter outside the front of a shop, or maybe you could give some support to the New Nicotine Alliance.

 

 

Some people claim the majority of negative vape research comes from just three people: Chapman, Glantz and McKee. This is not true, it conflates opinions being sought or expressed in the public domain with the origin of the research. Chapman is a retired rentamouth, McKee has not authored any study other than the odd paper review-based exercise, and Glantz’ forte is twisting other people’s findings.

Of course, this should surprise nobody seeing as none of them are scientists in any true definition of the term. They are anti-tobacco in the sense that they are puritanically anti tobacco companies, and smokers are simply casualties of the war of words they are waging.

The question that ought to be asked is ‘what is it about their words that they carry a disproportionate weight in the media?’ How come their sound bites take precedent over quality science?

The answer, according to the American Association for Science and Health (ACSH) comes down to snappy, simply headlines. Or rather, scientists conducting proper research looking at aspects of vaping haven’t learnt to write in clear English. The response to that would be, ‘why should they cater to the general public when their papers are aimed at their peers for review?’

ACSH respond: “Whether they like to admit it or not, scientists want to have a broad impact on society. Sure, recognition from other academics is nice, but most scientists would prefer to see their research splashed across the front pages of the New York Times and BBC News.”

Nicola Di Girolamo, in her paper titled “Healthcare articles with simple and declarative titles were more likely to be in the Altmetric Top 100”, discovered that, err, simple headlines get better media coverage.

Researchers looking into vaping need to take note: The media adores a good ecig story, especially if it is gifted to them on a plate with a good press release and easy to understand bullet points.

So, the initial statement can be rewritten: “The problem is,” they say, “that there’s not enough information out there [in the mainstream media] – we simply don’t know ” what we don’t know.

Do you know how many ecig-related papers were published just in the last week of June? All of these:

·      “In-person retail marketing claims in tobacco and E-cigarette shops in Southern California” by JS Yang, MM Wood, K Peirce

·      “Nicotine delivery to the aerosol of a heat-not-burn tobacco product: comparison with a tobacco cigarette and e-cigarettes” by KE Farsalinos, N Yannovits, T Sarri, V Voudris

·      “Electronic Cigarettes as an Introductory Tobacco Product Among Eighth and 11th Grade Tobacco Users””Oregon, 2015” by JZ Hines

·      “Why Don’t More Smokers Switch to Using E-Cigarettes: The Views of Confirmed Smokers” by N McKeganey, T Dickson

·      “Behavioral economic substitutability of e-cigarettes, tobacco cigarettes, and nicotine gum” by MW Johnson, PS Johnson, O Rass, LR Pacek

·      “Electronic cigarettes smoking among youth, its trend and factors associated” by S Ali

·      “Tobacco Use Among Middle and High School Students””United States, 2011-2016” by A Jamal

·      “Electronic Cigarettes in Germany: Patterns of Use and Perceived Health Improvement” by K Lehmann, S Kuhn, J Reimer

·      “Advances in Global Health Communication” by CE Beaudoin, T Hong

·      “E-vaping device” by SR Rinehart, BS Smith, C Dendy

·      “Offsetting the Impact of smoking and e-cigarette vaping on the cerebrovascular system and stroke injury: Is Metformin a viable countermeasure?” By MA Kaisar, H Villalba, S Prasad, T Liles, AE Sifat

·      “Recommended core items to assess e-cigarette use in population-based surveys” by JL Pearson, SC Hitchman, LS Brose, L Bauld

·      “Prevalence and correlates of electronic cigarette use among Canadian students: cross-sectional findings from the 2014/15 Canadian Student Tobacco, Alcohol and ” by A Montreuil, M MacDonald, M Asbridge, TC Wild

·      “Electronic cigarette use among US adults in the Population Assessment of Tobacco and Health (PATH) Study, 2013-2014” by BN Coleman, B Rostron, SE Johnson, BK Ambrose

·      “The electronic cigarette, do we need to worry?” by ML Løchen

·      “Effect of Electronic Cigarette Messages on Young-Adult Behavioral Dispositions Towards Use” by I Ariel

·      “Novel method of nicotine quantification in electronic cigarette liquids and aerosols” by M Ogunwale, Y Chen, W Theis, MH Nantz, D Conklin

·      “PERCEIVED HEALTH RELATED RISKS OF VAPING AMONG UNDERGRADUATE STUDENTS IN FACULTY OF MEDICINE AND HEALTH SCIENCES, UNIVERSITI ” by HS Minhat, S Selvanathan, A Wahab

·      “Attitudes Toward Tobacco 21 Among US Youth” by H Dai

·      “Pharmacodynamic and pharmacokinetic assessment of electronic cigarettes, combustible cigarettes, and nicotine gum: implications for abuse liability” by MF Stiles, LR Campbell, DW Graff, BA Jones, RV Fant

·      “Electronic cigarette use as an aid to quit smoking in the representative Italian population PASSI survey” by G Gorini, G Ferrante, E Quarchioni, V Minardi

·      “Comparison of Periodontal Parameters and Self-Perceived Oral Symptoms among Cigarette-Smokers, Individuals Vaping Electronic-Cigarettes and Never-Smokers: ” by F Javed, T Abduljabbar, F Vohra, H Malmstrom

·      “A study of regulatory policies and relevant issues concerning electronic cigarette use in Taiwan” by TH Jiang, LM Cheng, MA Hawkins

·      “CPDD News and Views” by G Kong, S Krishnan-Sarin

·      “The impact of cancer drug wastage on economic evaluations” by J Truong, MC Cheung, H Mai, J Letargo, A Chambers

·      “Influence of smoking on aneurysm recurrence after endovascular treatment of cerebrovascular aneurysms” by J Futchko, J Starr, D Lau, MR Leach, C Roark

·      “Do neurobiological understandings of smoking influence quitting self-efficacy or treatment intentions?” by K Morphett, A Carter, W Hall, J Lucke, B Partridge

·      “Lower-Risk Cannabis Use Guidelines: A Comprehensive Update of Evidence and Recommendations” by B Fischer, C Russell, P Sabioni, W van den Brink

·      “Legal and health dilemmas challenging India’s e”cigarette endorsement” by G Agoramoorthy

·      “Global and targeted serum metabolic profiling of colorectal cancer progression” by Y Long, B Sanchez”Espiridion, M Lin, L White

 

 

Here follows an appeal on behalf of the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party.

The problem with modern politics, it seems, is that the major parties all seem to be in it for themselves. This isn’t the problem, it’s that they pretend to have your best interests at heart. This isn’t the case for the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party, we think that it’s in your best interests that we don’t pretend to care about your best interests. While this may seem harsh, stick with it as you’ll probably discover that our selfish interests coincide with yours.

Firstly, let’s be very clear, it’s the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party’s ambition to do away with government, turn the Houses of Parliament into a 24hr car park and set up a base of operations in a flat above Greggs in Hull instead. This restructuring will speed up decision making, make the law making process more open and generate huge savings to the public purse.

These savings can be passed on to you, the taxpayer: each MP currently earns £74,000. On top of that they can earn a supplementary salary of between £15,025 and £74,990 depending how they spend their day in parliament. Plus they all get extensive allowances and expenses for kitting out second homes, employing someone to have an affair with and go on fact-finding tours of expensive holiday destinations. Voting for the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party could put well over £100-million back into your pockets. Literally. We think it will be easier to do a draw on TV rather than go about rejigging tax laws. We’ll get that Tucker Jenkins from Eastenders to do it, you don’t see him about much these days so that’s one extra job created.

Modern party politics has a number of fundamental flaws: Firstly, they don’t relate to real people or what they go through. Only last week, the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party secretary struggled to source our usual supply of caviar and this made us think of you poor people being unable to find any houmous. The Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party stands shoulder to shoulder with you in your suffering – or we would if you were in our banqueting suite also enjoying some roast swan.

Secondly, none of the other parties appreciate what it means to be a party – we do. If a political party doesn’t mean cake, jelly and ice cream in the minds of the public then it’s not surprising they garner few votes. The first law of the new Benevolent Dictator authority will be to instruct supermarkets to make party food free on the last Friday of every month.

Also, we are aware of the current issues that matter. For example, did you know that home taping is killing music? The country needs protecting from Ed Sheeran so we will be sending C90 cassettes out to every household.

What about health? NHS cutbacks have meant that hospitals can no longer afford expensive stitching due to the constraints on time. They now rely on unqualified assistants to gift-wrap patients. It’s a shocking state of affairs and one that we will stop immediately. We will cut a special price on silica wick for the NHS to use instead.

In place of bans on vaping in public places we’ll have a ban on the use of beginning sentences with “I’m sorry, but ” and “I know, but I was just ”. Instantly, this will solve the problems of people not doing what you’ve asked them to do. Teenagers – we’re looking at you here.

Most importantly, the thing that will matter to practically everybody the most, we promise no more elections or votes ever. That has to be worth voting for.

 

 

Ireland spends over €240-million each year on smoking-related diseases, and €40-million on smoking quit products, programs and prevention campaigns. Anybody with half a brain might correctly believe that a product that offered both cost savings to the government and health benefits to the consumer would be a great thing. HIQA don’t think so, despite previous findings and statements.

The recent “Healthy Ireland” report revealed that the country struggles with a higher rate of smoking than the UK, 23% of the population are current smokers but only 6% of smokers have transitioned to vaping. Rather than looking at findings across the water and encouraging more smokers to adopt a harm reduction approach, HIQA are suggesting that Irish smokers should not rely on electronic cigarettes to quit.

Worse, HIQA has asked the Minister for Health to invest more money in traditional (failing) nicotine replacement therapies for the 820,000 Irish smokers while suggesting giving a wide berth to a technology that actually works. To make matters more ridiculous, HIQA previously admitted that promoting vaping to achieve the levels found in England would lead a drop of around 40% in NRT prescriptions – and therefore costs.

Our own Stealthvape Survey, conducted in September last year, revealed the kind of responses that shames those responsible for public health in Ireland. Overwhelmingly, those of you who were kind enough to take part informed us that you were long-term smokers, you’d struggled with previous methods and techniques – but it was through vaping that you found success and escaped the grip of tobacco cigarettes.

The message of efficacy comes through loud and clear to those reading the Cochrane Review or the report produced by the Royal College of Physicians. Meanwhile, as they wait to reproduce tests and studies, Ireland continues to admit 28,000 people to hospital each year for smoking-related diseases while one in five deaths are due to smoking tobacco.

Speaking for HIQA, Doctor Máirín Ryan said: “There is not enough evidence to reliably demonstrate the effectiveness of electronic cigarettes in helping smokers quit.” She then went on to speak about the benefits of Big Pharma’s Varenicline and nicotine patches. Next she began to talk about the dangers posed by vaping “renormalising” smoking and “it could lead to an increased uptake among people who have never smoked, or later migration to tobacco cigarettes.”

Is it possible Ryan has existed in a bubble for the last three years as the boom in vape studies has taken place? Is it possible she has missed out on all the evidence disproving the existence of a gateway effect or renormalisation? At the very least, could she provide a jot of evidence to support her claim given that vaping has been a major activity for ten years.

Even the Irish Cancer Society said: “There is no long-term evidence as to the safety of these products, and there is emerging, but as of yet limited, evidence that for adolescents e-cigarettes may act as a ‘gateway’ to tobacco usage, especially among those in their late teens who otherwise, according to research, did not intend to smoke tobacco.”

Given the positive support for vaping and harm reduction on this side of the Irish Sea, it’s a total nonsense that HIQA and the Irish government has taken none of it on board. For the sake of Irish smokers and vapers, we hope they pull their finger out soon.

If you missed it, the Stealthvape Survey results are summarised on this page.

 

 

It’s understandable. When you are known as the leading vape market solution provider, vapers inevitably want help sorting out their personal lives too. We found that by plugging our customer database into the Oscillation Overthruster, and popping them both into the Tesla Pack, we obtained a comprehensive breakdown of 2017 for each astrological sign.

Some of you may wish to take advantage of the individual readings available via email. We believe our rates are exceptionally competitive when put up against other vape supply company prognostication services.

Aries

As an Aries, you are probably the most attractive and intelligent of all vapers. If there is one thing the Stealthvape Horrorscope is certain of, and it is exceptionally certain, 2017 is going to be absolutely awesome. The first part of the year appears to be showered in respect, which goes on to become love and wealth by autumn. Don’t change anything; you’re perfect as you are.

Taurus

You see those 18650s over there? Those ones that have a lifespan of seven button presses on the mod but you don’t want to throw away? Err, recycle. Get them out of the house. The Stealthvape Horrorscope says that an early June BBQ will end in tears if you forget to buy strawberries for the Pimms.

Gemini

Unfortunately you will spend a fair amount of time in casualty. It’s not your fault; you just seem to have one of those faces. The only thing you can do in an attempt to overcome this is do all your shopping online – and answer the door in a ski mask. To be frank, we’re amazed you have managed so well up till 2017. Your lucky stone is the one coming through your lounge window that misses you.

Cancer

In 2017, the power of the Stealthvape Horrorscope compels you to spend all you have on box mods. All that stuff your family thinks is important, but you don’t like – eBay the lot of it for more box mods. They may think you’re crazy now, but just wait to see the look on their faces in November when they see the method to your madness.

Leo

Don’t be frightened now, no matter how scary stuff seems, it’s just going to get worse. Separating fact from fiction was never easy for you, but this year is really going to turn the dial to elephant. Even words might cat as though lifting nonsense Ω≈≈Ωß.

Virgo

The challenge of using just one coil and wick for the whole year might seem a daunting task but it’s one you are amply endowed to achieve. There aren’t many people who can go to Vapefest and leave with the exact amount of money they arrived with. Ignore those who laugh at you, even though the cacophonous noise they make is deafening.

Libra

Is it that time already? Great things go really quickly when you’re having fun. Like Einstein pointed out while leaching over a young woman. This year will simply fly by. Recovering from a coma is like that.

Scorpio

No. Put it down. Walk out the door, lock it, dispose of the key and catch a bus to somewhere far, far away. Welcome to your new like making artisan eliquid in the Hebrides. Yes, it’s going to be a bit squashed with you all there – but it’s better than what was about no, we can’t, it’s just too horrific to describe.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians need to open a vape store in Bristol – either a store each or one big shop between you. This is going to be something you have to sort out amongst yourselves. Everything will be brilliant if you get it correct, regrettably not if you get the wrong solution. Not everything is set in stone, the future is like sand: Sometimes you pick up a handful and it was disguising a coiled brown dog present.

Capricorn

Make-up, wigs, and plastic surgery figure heavily in your 2017 stars. You will develop a passionate attachment to vapes with a hint of mango. All of this adds up to an exciting December as you avoid arrest by relocating to a tropical country.

Aquarius

Oh dear, did you have to say that? OK, you haven’t said it yet – but it’s inevitable. It’s written, see. Unlike stuff that happens for Sagittarians, your future is a concrete cast of a future shoe print. Best you get used to vaping alone.

Pisces

Pisces tend to hold down repetitive and boring roles in life, which means they know better than most what will happen tomorrow. This is an advantage if you work in telesales, as a traffic warden or in customer service: phone in sick for the year. Although “It’s in my stars” isn’t accepted as a medical certificate by most companies it may be worth asking your human resources department.

*Stealthvape accepts no responsibility for loss, injury or death resulting from the Stealthvape Horrorscope.

 

 

Of course, when giving up smoking was the big annual pledge – and it’s the one we all nailed – it begins to get a touch more difficult to conjure up something that anybody would see as challenging or worthwhile. Particularly if you plan on doing something that seems to be all the rage – getting people to give you money for doing something you were planning on doing anyway. Only the incapacitated would stump up sponsorship for a vaper resolving to do nothing but vape menthol orange all January.

Is there a person you share the house with that would appreciate you buying fewer bits of kit? Saving that cash for a weekend trip to Hull to see the Museum of Discarded Soiled Packaging? There’s a resolution idea right there: become an absolute intolerable moron. You probably won’t even need to keep it up for much beyond the start of February. Pretty soon your loved ones will be begging you to spend more money – and therefore time away from them – on growing your vape collection.

Underhand? Possibly, so maybe you’re one of those people who would prefer something less Machiavellian. How about focussing on juices? You might be one of those folks who protest: “I’m never paying that price for a liquid! I could feed a family of ducks for months on the money and make that myself for 30p.”

Trying an expensive juice could be the resolution to add some spice to your life. Fair enough, we understand that whenever your partner fancies going out for a meal you make fish finger sandwiches and pocket the cash you would have spent – but this is only going to be a couple of quid and might bring a smile to your face.

Or how about going in the opposite direction? The sheer range of liquid available to us isn’t going to be here forever as the TPD hits, so why not have a pop at some of the 99p budget liquids? You never know, there might be something that actually tickles your fancy out there.

Then there’s always the old favourite of learning to DIY juice. Nothing matches the sense of achievement of having made something yourself (aside from getting other people to make it for you properly while you watch TV). Sure, it doesn’t work very well nine times out of ten, and it tastes of socks. There’s the next resolution: learn to DIY better. You never know, this might be a good skill to have when bottles shrink and prices expand.

Lastly, add ‘try to make a fancy coil‘ onto the list of things you might like to achieve in the coming year. There’s bound to be at least one rainy day when you don’t fancy going anywhere. If you need the wire to make them, we’ve got it. Plus, if you fancy cheating, why not buy some of our premade coils to impress your friends and relations.

 

 

Vape Suit

Provides two stages of protection. Firstly, it minimises the impact of your own stupidity on yourself  – and then it protects you from the stupidity of others. The power supply is isolated from atomiser leaks and placed into a lead-lined unit located on one of your more disposable limbs. The chance of the unit going full thermal runaway is nil thanks to the control panel and the suit’s internal retarding system (*although there is the slight chance suffocation may occur).

Plus, if you are one of those vapers who likes going to vape events but you worry about other’s inability to know the difference between volts and amps, the suit has full Milspec explosion protection. Johnny Puffalot‘s mod becomes an impromptu pipe bomb at Vapefest? Stand and laugh in your SV Vape Suit while shards of hot mod shrapnel rip through the air.

Safe storage containers

Only Stealthvape can now offer you a triple lock of protection for your lithium-ion storage solutions. Step one: don’t inhale or ingest your batteries, but place them into a little plastic box and post them to Stealthvape. Step two: each plastic box is safely tucked away inside a lead box, which is then padlocked. Step three: the lead boxes and immersed into concrete inside barrels and buried at a secret location only we know about.

Some narrow-minded people have voiced their concerns that once Stealthvape takes over the safe handling of their batteries they’ll no longer be able to use them for vaping. To them, we say: “think ‘safety’.”

Further solutions

Maybe you have a friend who would like to quit smoking but isn’t the kind of person you’d trust with a pair of scissors? You’d like to give them a starter kit, yet fear for those they live with. This is the kind of soul we designed our Stealthvape Dummy Batteries for – made of 100% rubber, you can relax that the only risk they run is having to present themselves at Casualty (claiming they accidentally fell on one while cleaning the house in the nude).

We also plan to release a series of sealed atomisers. Each atty comes with a different coloured liquid, but no heating coil or wick. We see this product as the equivalent of fake glasses – it will make the owner look cool without presenting any safety problems.

Measures being adopted and offered up by us do not end the problem of vaping safety; it calls for governmental action too. We are demanding that the new government immediately adopts our suggestions that all vape stores are placed on floating pontoons, surrounded by sea mines, one mile out in the English Channel.

Only one company cares enough about you to produce solutions like these. It’s a safer future with Stealthvape.

 

 

“Bad News for People Using E-Cigs,” runs the headline penned by the mighty Frank Milhorn. What do you mean you’ve never heard of Frank? It’s Frank bloody Milhorn, author of such giants in the literary world as “Signs of recovery in the bingo market“, “The annual shed of the year competition“, and “Ghosts are swimming in water“. See? We knew you had heard of Frank.

Frank knows everything, and if he says there’s bad news for ecig users then you can be certain he’s correct, he never makes a mistake. He begins: “It has been reported that E-Cigarettes, commonly called Vapers…” Oh. Never mind, everybody can make a mistake, let’s continue.

“It has been reported that E-Cigarettes, commonly called Vapers, actually contain more cancer causing substances than traditional cigarettes, including increased levels of carbon monoxide and various other chemicals which are unstable organic compounds.”

Hmm. This doesn’t run true, Frank. Are you sure? Increased levels of carbon monoxide – coming from a product that isn’t combusting? Maybe things will pick up in the second sentence.

“It is also revealed that these vaping devices can contain over 80% more nicotine than a traditional cigarette, meaning you are taking in far more of the poisonous chemical every time you puff.”

Frank, Frank, Frank. Maybe it was the Californian equivalent of a boozy Bank Holiday, maybe you started writing your article shortly after suffering a major head trauma, but you’ve cornered the market in some funky alternative facts here.

“E-Cigs use nicotine laced liquid, which creates a vapour which contains the same kind of chemicals a normal cigarette does.”

Hold on there, the same kind of chemicals? I thought you’d just said there were more chemicals? It’s hard to keep up because you’re flying through this so quickly (what with you being the expert). Can you explain clearly what the main problem might be?

“There is an argument saying that people will ‘smoke’ more using these devices, for unlike the traditional cigarette, where you smoke it down, and you have a visual that stimulates the brain letting it know you’ve had a cigarette, these don’t shrink in size, and many people are using them as a type of pacifier.”

That’s handy to know, and gives us a great idea for a new Stealthvape vaping product: the Stealthvape shrinking mod that gets small the longer you use it; it’ll be a surefire winner, everybody will want one. Well, they will as long as they haven’t read Frank’s article and been convinced by the power of his words.

“Though we know that smoking is bad for you, it is said by experts that these electronic cigarettes will never be as safe as smoking a conventional cigarette. If you are one of the many people who have been considering giving up smoking and have considered using an e-cig as the way to help wean you off your smoking addiction, then maybe it is time for you to think again!”

We salute you, Frank – you have managed to construct the single worst piece of writing on the subject of vaping we’ve ever seen. His work can be read on the Democrat Gazette in all its glory, if you’d like to leave a complementary message.