Category Archives: Uncategorized

 

These tell you what you are entitled to expect by law and what come back you have with the vendor.

One of the important life-lessons I have learnt is that there is always someone smarter in the room (usually my wife) and that I am frequently wrong. It’s wise to remember this before making outlandish claims or exaggerating the problem. It’s no good telling them the atomiser took your arm off if, in reality, it only removed part of one finger.

As tempting as it is to send the vendor of your malfunctioning device a photograph of you, their favourite cuddly toy and a knife this should be reserved for the last roll of the dice. A proper law-type person would probably advise you not to do this either.

As humans we tend to treat people in the way we think they have treated us rather than how they think they’ve treated us. This can come as a shock to them, especially if you leap at them first thing in the morning from behind an email. Kicking off with threats of sending Esther Rantzen round and getting that funny Matt bloke from Rogue Traders involved will just provoke their primal fight or flight response.

If you consider your average vendor to be a simple-minded village dweller then you will know that to affect the best course of action is to talk softly, move slowly and maintain eye contact at all times. You can’t shout at a couple of century’s worth of inbreeding. (Well, you can but you may as well try holding your breath and standing on one leg.)

When graduating from Vendor School all candidates have to swear an oath to uphold the vendor’s code, which includes not adding ‘special things’ to your juice and to describe everything as giving ‘the best vape experience you will ever have, like, far better than from the thing we sold you last week. Honest.’

So, before breaking out the heavy guns, write a polite email/letter to your vendor explaining the problem clearly and asking them if they can do anything to help. This gives them a chance to solve the problem and keep your business. No animal faeces.

 

The Consumer Contracts Regulations 2014

These regulations came into effect from June, 2014, and they apply to any goods

1. A vendor can not charge you for additional items with a pre-ticked box on their website
2. You can cancel your order up to 14 days after receiving all of what you ordered
3. You are entitled to a full refund within 14 days of cancelling the order

What Must The Vendor Provide?

• A true description of the goods
• The total price of the goods (not the price without tax added)
• The cost of delivery
• Details about who pays the cost of returning the items if you cancel
• Details about your cancellation rights
• A standard cancellation form (although you don’t have to use it)
• Their name, address and landline phone number

*Note: If the vendor has not provided any of these then you should seriously consider not buying from them as they are acting in breech of the regulations.

• If the vendor has failed to provide all of the details given you have up to a year to cancel your order.
• The information should be provided on paper with your order and/or by email confirming your order – it can be provided over the phone if this is how you are placing your order if they don’t then you have a year in which to cancel the contract.

*Note: These regulations do not apply to vendors outside the UK

Cancelling Goods

You are entitled to a refund

• Within 14 days of the vendor receiving the returned goods, or
• Within 14 days of you providing evidence that the goods have been returned

whichever is the soonest.

The vendor can make a reasonable deduction if your handling them has reduced the value of the goods.

This means you are allowed to take it out of the box to examine it. The vendor cannot make a deduction just because you removed it from the packaging.

The vendor only has to refund the value of their standard shipping cost not the value you paid if you chose to upgrade the delivery option (e.g. to next day/Saturday delivery).

14 days is the minimum period you can have to cancel the contract, the vendor can extend this if they want to in order to give you more time.

Delivery

• The order must be delivered in the timeframe agreed with the seller.
• If no timeframe has been agreed the vendor must ensure delivery ‘without undue delay’ and within 30 days.
• The vendor is responsible for the condition of the goods and therefore has to pack them appropriately.

Returning Faulty Goods

If the goods:

• Don’t work, or
• Don’t do what they are meant to do, or
• Don’t match the description/picture

Then you are entitled to return them.

*Note: You do not have to pay for the cost of returning goods if they have been delivered and are faulty.

The Sale Of Goods Act 1979

THE GOODS MUST BE AS DESCRIBED

• In the sales blurb on the website
• As shown in the picture(s)
• As orally described by the seller
• In any advert

THE GOODS MUST BE OF SATISFACTORY QUALITY

*Note, you cannot expect a clone to be built to the same standards or perform in the same way as a genuine item – this includes threading, o-rings, insulation and build material

*Note, unless the item is described as being suitable for sub-ohm use you cannot complain if the insulator melts

Satisfactory quality covers minor and cosmetic defects as well as substantial problems. It also means that products must last a reasonable time. But it doesn’t give you any rights if a fault was obvious or pointed out to you at point of sale.

THE GOODS MUST BE FIT FOR PURPOSE

An atomiser and mod are expected to do the job of an atomiser and mod under normal conditions. If you have modified them or tried to use them under water then all bets are off.

Fit for purpose covers not only the obvious purpose of an item but any purpose you queried and were given assurances about by the trader.

If you buy something which doesn’t meet these conditions you have the potential right to return it, get a full refund, and if it will cost you more to buy similar goods elsewhere, compensation (to cover the extra cost) too.

Note however that the right to reject goods and get a full refund only lasts for a relatively short time after which a buyer is deemed to have ‘accepted’ goods. This doesn’t mean that the buyer has no legal redress against the seller, just that he/she isn’t entitled to a full refund.

Instead a buyer is first and foremost entitled to have the goods repaired or replaced. If these remedies are inappropriate, then you’re entitled to a suitable price reduction, or to return the goods and get a refund (reduced to take account of any wear and tear).

Interestingly, the act covers second-hand items and sales. But if you buy privately your only entitlement to your money back is if the goods aren’t ‘as described’.

If goods which are expected to last six months don’t, it’ll be presumed that the goods didn’t conform to the contract at the time they were bought unless the seller can prove to the contrary. This could include batteries and VV/VW devices.

In all other situations it’s for the consumer to prove their own case (that is, that the problem existed at the time of the contract). This will prove more difficult the longer you’ve had the goods. Subject to this a consumer has six years from the time they buy something in which to make a claim irrespective of how long the goods actually last.

 

In summary

If you need further help then call in to your local Citizens Advice Bureau or look at their website, they will help clarify your position and what you can do.

Being unaware of your rights and responsibilities may result in an unsuccessful claim – even if it amuses everyone who reads about it on the internet.

 

 

This week we are being told about the dangers of a chemical closely linked to nicotine – caffeine.

Yet again, people who think they need to control your every waking decision are rounding on another naturally occurring chemical, this time it’s the FDA. Although being in the UK insulates us somewhat from this “warning” you can rest assured that a responsible campaigner for the public health (like the Daily Mail) will mirror these concerns online.

To be fair, they are issuing a warning about the dangers of powdered caffeine but if I’m going to list off things I feel are more dangerous in my house at the moment then it will be

1. My wife’s choice in Chinese restaurants, given the two recent bouts of food poisoning I contracted.
2. My daughter’s addiction to Australian soap operas & 90210 atrophying her brain.
3. My teenage son’s on-going battle with a premature end to his life by being a teenage son.

Caffeine is a stimulant. Students the world over have spent two, caffeine-fuelled restless evenings trying to learn a year’s-worth of exam stuff as they paid no attention in class.

But then someone died.

Isn’t it amazing that the death of one person in the States can be a good reason to urge caution but the death of thousands in another part of the world barely raises a mumble about stopping the arms trade?

And then someone remembered another person has died.

The American Council on Science & Health report that “Logan Steiner had over twenty times the amount of caffeine in his blood than would be expected for a person who obtained their caffeine from coffee or cola.”

I know what you’re thinking: some of us have Goth friends who enjoy nothing more than lots of effeminate caffeine-based cocktails – should we organise an intervention for him? I can’t answer that, it’s a matter between you and how much you want to maintain your supply of Powwow Sauce.

The FDA point out that one spoon of caffeine powder is the equivalent to 25 cups of coffee but it’s Dr. Ruth Kava who raises the concept of personal responsibility: “This is just one more example of consumers’ ”” especially teens’ ”” ignorance of the basic truth that “the dose makes the poison” with respect to any and all drugs, supplements, chemicals, whatever.”

It’s easy to have a chuckle at the expense of someone clearly ignorant about battery chemistry, electricity and material conductivity but we are seeing a rise in the number of reported cases where lack of awareness has led to explosive consequences. What do we do about it?

There will be those who call for regulations, others will mention education, some will want to place more responsibility on the sellers of such items and a small group will sit in a dark corner and talk about Darwin Awards.

I have no idea on how to solve the problem of people causing their batteries to vent (usually near a poor quality video recording device). It would be interesting to discover if anyone is concerned about collating or has recorded the facts from these incidents. Whatever the solution might be I’d rather it was evidence-based rather than driven by media conjecture.

 

 

Personal failure is always a concept I’ve struggled with. Those of us who bought into the concept of the scientific process know full well that lucking out on the correct hypothesis with the first roll is nigh on impossible. Science moves forwards like the allied front in the 1^st World War, clambering over the corpses of those who went before. A hypothesis that’s disproved is just that, it’s not a failure because it’s a step towards the truth.

My coiling attempts weren’t failures to begin with; they were part of the learning process. Sure, the initial attempts at gennys would reduce people to tears of laughter at fifteen paces but does that matter?

I never failed to make a DIY juice either. I produced bottle upon bottle of eliquid that tasted like a cross between a steeped used jockstrap combined with tramp’s urine. I ought to point out that I have no direct experience of identifying that particular flavour. So, yeh, no juice failures just a collection of evidence that I was not born to mix my own.

I’m not going to beat myself up over atomisers I’ve not managed to master either. There’s no need for a roll call but a succession of different ones have passed through my hands since I began vaping. For me attys are Boolean, they either work right off the bat or they are those things you have to overcome huge desire to improve through the application of a baseball bat. I don’t understand the current fascination to over-complicate simple designs for no or negligible benefit. My Heron has rocked the same coil since I got it with just the cotton being replaced now and then – now that’s the kind of simple I love. Men love simple things.

I’m waiting for the introduction of the Quantum atomiser. One that will be both difficult and easy to wick, that will be to flavour and clouds as light is to wave and particle. And if the driptip acted like a diffraction grating then so much the better. The only problem I can foresee with such a device is that when it arrives in the post it will exist in a broken and as new state until you open the box.

I guess the images of the chap from China who’d blown a hole in his hand could be construed as failure. It was certainly a failure in the battery that left him in hospital – but then if you are a paranoid parent and want to keep an eye on your child, while playing ‘Where’s Daddy gone” and hiding behind your hands, then the strategically placed wound would prove to be a real boon. Plus, if the accident led to the child forming a stronger parent bond then it’s all-good; at least they aren’t sitting down in front of the television. Scientists are reported to have discovered that watching television at the end of a long day can make you feel guilty and like a failure. That’s no life for a child.

The study, published in the Journal of Communication, found that people who were highly stressed after work did not feel relaxed or recovered when they watched TV or played computer games. Instead they had high levels of guilt and feelings of failure. If you are so consumed I can always send you some pictures of my coils and 10ml of Jockstrap Piss. My plea is this: instead of turning on the television tonight go invent me the world’s first atomiser driven by theoretical physics.You can’t fail to make me happy if you succeed.

 

 

Some will tell you at length that a mod is nothing more than a battery tube, this normally precedes an ensuing comment about how all tubes should be dirt-cheap. The same people will also use the ‘tube argument’ to justify what they refuse to buy. I’m not really sure how the full argument goes as I’ve either fallen asleep or got drunk to blot it all out.

The film ‘Quadrophenia’ was not appreciated among my friends in the main. Bikers in 1979 still held outward appearances left over from the British rocker scene (as depicted in the film), my mates hated anything connected with a scooter or a snorkel parka. If you’d pressed them they’d have been unable to give you anything approaching a coherent reason why. The same would have gone for why they wore those white socks poking out of their boots.

It was OK for me to like it, not that I sought approval. Punks were fortunate in that we straddled many different subcultures, having been born from one or another of them. Most spikey-haired people I knew had a copy of The Who’s ‘My Generation‘ album in their collection and The Dickies cover of Sabbath’s ‘Paranoid’. Radio wasn’t closed off to all-bar one weekly Tommy Vance none-more-metal show, we had John Peel’s pic’n’mix.

Thing is, thinking back, despite outwardly exclaiming to hate all things in the remotest bit mod-like, it was amusing to note how many would nod approvingly at the mention of Leslie Ash up a Brighton back alley. There’s no accounting for taste but taste in metal tubes is just the thing we’ve discovered more about this year. Just look at the sheer range and volume of mechs being designed and produced in the Philippines as a case in point.

Now I know you shouldn’t criticise someone’s taste but

When it comes to motorbikes there have been a rash of hideous things pumped out of late. Combine that with the utter indifference you encounter when walking into a bike shop and you could be forgiven for thinking there was no recession and we’re all wealthy now.

For me, I’d rather have my eyes gouged out by spoons than have to set eyes on the new Stingray X and if I hear a second mod ever referred to as a ‘competition mod’ I may have to fetch the machete.

But what has irked me more than just being repulsed is the plastic rebellion encapsulated in the “Anarchy mod”. I guess this may figure on your shopping list if you are a fan of the insipid Green Day but no self-respecting punk could consider this for one second. When Wattie from The Exploited sang, “I believe in anarchy” I am blooming convinced he never envisaged that this is what it would turn into.

If I lived in Brighton I’d seek solace in an alleyway but as this is a landlocked village I’m off to shudder in a corner.

 

 

Try the calculator here or click on the image:

Developed by Lars Simonsen

 

 

He’d recently completed a course on staff motivation.

I swear, that man made me loathe the fact that Robin Williams had ever been born – let alone be responsible for “Dead Poet’s Society”. I have since forgiven William’s even if I did have to go on to suffer the outrageously bad “Toys”.

Seize the bloody day?

No, actually, I’m too busy thinking of ways to make it look like I’m working (while doing as little as possible) in return for the pittance you pay me. After one day too many I gleefully, on impulse, resigned before I had a seizure or seized a part of his anatomy. I was considered such an asset to the firm that it was accepted, my car keys were demanded and I was walked back to the reception door within minutes.

I could have told the wife that evening “I was just carpe dieming it, sweetie” but chose a more diplomatic approach. I told her I’d quit through the bathroom door while she was having a post-work soak…and immediately left for the pub.

“Carpe diem, Dave! Carpe diem!”

It was roughly six hours ago, as I sit here typing, that I got the news. We’d known it was coming even though the pair of them had played it down. To be frank, I didn’t think it or I would make a blog post but then I reasoned, as vapers, we are all attempting to seize days from the grasp of cancer. Roger passed away peacefully under sedation.

“Carpe diem, Dave! Carpe diem!”

Some of us have taken up vaping in order to escape from cigarettes, the rest of us are using vaping to prevent our return. Sure, it’s more than just that, for loads of us. It has become an absorbing hobby, a chance to collect things, an opportunity to learn and tinker and a pleasurable pastime.

It’s on days like these you take stock. Football results matter less, a cuddle with the youngest means so much more. The cider tastes sweeter, the vape is more fulfilling because it is one more day wrestled from the inevitable. It’s on days like these people decide to start out in business or sell their possessions in order to get a motorbike, hard luggage and a map of the world.

“Carpe diem, Dave! Carpe diem!”

I returned from the pub at a quite respectable hour. Daylight was still to fully ebb from the skyline, there had been just enough moments passing by for me to seek fortitude in alcohol so I could face a woman in a bathrobe. I was considered such an asset to ‘the couple’ that the wrath I’d anticipated was nothing more than an “I’m not surprised”.

This was true; it would have taken something of spectacular stupidity for me to surprise her. This, after all, is the man who has been arrested for attempted theft of a ladder at pub closing time because it seemed like a funny thing to do. This, her partner and future husband, is the man who had once though it was a good idea to buy a Polski Fiat, a Leyland Princess and two houses at the height of the last two property bubbles.

Vaping was one of the few life decisions I’ve ever made with her wholehearted support. That, and leaving teaching to begin writing – although she did put a block on my first choice of becoming Britain’s fattest astronaut. She supported my vaping even though it has the “highly addictive nicotine” drug we are warned about so often. All of which brings me to the Bill Hicks quote that sums today up for me:

“Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.”

It’s the end of the week: go seize some days, get your vape on, give out some love and be happy. I’m going to carpe me some diem.

 

At the end of the course I made up an impressive CV, gave bogus business addresses and wrote every one of my glowing reference letters. Thing was by now I had a history of not suffering employers who were fools – and I was rapidly coming to the conclusion that almost everyone who employed me was stupid by virtue of the fact that I kept getting away with ever more grandiose lies to improve my status. And then there’s the rush when resigning on impulse, what a fabulous feeling it is.

In the film ‘Office Space’ Peter and Joanne embody my distaste of idiotic management. The nihilistic frustration echoed in films like ‘Fight Club’ and ‘American Beauty’. Yep, quitting is good.

Odds are that you were (or still are on the odd occasion) a smoker. Quitting tales? We’ve got ‘em. I have no idea of the number of times I quit – I never considered it trying to quit because I would go from being a smoker to a non-smoker in a snap. Sometimes I’d be a non-smoker for months on end, other times I would last until I woke up the following morning. Well, all the times bar one.

At its peak, when I was under huge stress to meet imbecilic and unobtainable targets I was up to 60 Rothmans a day. I’d taken my cue from my trainer whose washed-out clothes seem to fit with his yellow hand and teeth.

At 28, married and with a mortgage I’d still take a razor blade to scrape the yellow skin off my fingers before meeting my parents. They didn’t know I smoked. Sure, they’d discovered a pack of 10 Embassy No.6 in my room when I was 14 but I’d convinced them it was a money-making scheme – selling singles to the kids at the youth club. It was a convincing tale because it was true in part.

The longest period I spent as a non-smoker (prior to this) was four years, but then we moved to Colombia where life was taken that little bit less seriously. Cancer? Who cares about cancer when fags were almost free and you stood a much greater chance of being shot, blown-up or kidnapped.

My viewpoint changed when we had our second kid and they were toddlers together. I realised I didn’t want them to think smoking was a norm, for as little as I cared for my life I want them to live forever, preferably happy and without a boss who is an utter tool.

This was the only time I considered it quitting because I knew in my heart that going back to fags was not an option. I stayed in the flat for a fortnight. I’d get up in the morning, go to work, come home and that was my life – no drinking either because fags and booze were made for each other. After half a month of cranky I had it nailed.

Ish.

That was 2004; eight years later I was on the tipping point of returning to smoking for a whole number of self-justifiable reasons – working for an idiot that I couldn’t walk out on being one of them. Not only had children stopped my smoking but also their constant need for clothing and feeding meant I had to try to curb my attitude in the workplace. It was like trying to force a 26650 battery into a 14500 mod – failure was all over the place waiting to be picked up, put in a bag and carried home.

So I came at all of this from a totally different direction: vaping for me isn’t an escape ladder, it’s a firebreak. Mods, attys and juice have been the thing that stopped me returning to smoking.

More than that, vaping has become a full-time hobby and my work. After a lifetime of working for morons I now work for myself. Some things in life never change 😉

 

 

Truth is such an abstract concept in life. An online discussion about the rights and wrongs of voting for UKIP highlights instantly how truth can vary from one person to the next. Even Joey Barton, the football player who once stubbed a cigar out in a team-mate’s eye, had his version of UKIP on BBC’s Question Time.

Truth for a writer is whatever he or she choses it to be. In the creation of a tale, or the adaption of a tale to cinema, the truth of the story becomes whatever is appropriate to meet the circumstances. For example, a bunch of adventurers meet a man on a sledge pulled by bunny rabbits in The Hobbit but this never took place in the book and, of course, it never actually happened at all. It was all CGI effects, there was no bunny sledge, and I know because I hooked up our eight buns to see if they could haul my gigantic frame across the lawn. They couldn’t.

That’s a lie, I never did that, I just made it up for effect. I took something and made it happen in my head and, in doing so, I’m thrown back to thinking about Stanton Glantz. Does he do this, does he take information and warp it to meet the agenda he has been contracted by the World Health Organisation to produce or does he actually, genuinely only see the dangerous aspects?

People do, people in society are very illiterate about science – to the extent that the Royal Society of Chemistry has produced a brilliant and highly readable document entitled Making Sense Of Chemical Stories. So brilliant and highly readable I suspect I’m the first non-member of the Royal Society to have read it.

“People are still being misled by chemical myths. This needs to stop. We urge everyone to stop repeating misconceptions about chemicals. The presence of a chemical isn’t a reason for alarm. The effect of a chemical depends on the dose.

In lifestyle commentary, chemicals are presented as something that can be avoided, or eliminated using special socks, soaps or diets, and that cause only harm to health and damage to the environment.”

And yet, if I were to read the whole thing to some of my friends in a dramatic voice (something halfway between Brian Blessed and Brian Griffen), they would respond with an “Ahh, yes, but they would say that wouldn’t they”. Their truth is features an almost genetically programmed distrust of scientists. In fact I get the notion that they believe all scientists carry out evil experiments in secret government-funded lairs. This upsets me because, as a Physicist, I was never given the opportunity to carry out evil experiments in a secret government-funded lair.

Stanton Glantz is often accused of cherry picking the bits of vaping science that match his argument and using them to construct something for public dissemination. Consequently I ought to go a bit easier on him.

My wife is going to question the volume of alcohol I place into my shopping trolley this evening to which I will respond with two selected quotations from the Royal Society’s booklet.

Firstly I will quote Sir Colin Berry, a pathologist, when he says: “One of the most poisonous chemicals that many people encounter is alcohol. However, even if you drink an almost lethal dose of alcohol (which I don’t recommend) your liver will clear it in 36 hours without any assistance.”

will then smugly point at her box of herbal tea and cite Dr Derek Lohmann, a research chemist: “If someone came into your house and offered you a cocktail of butanol, iso amyl alcohol, hexanol, phenyl ethanol, tannin, benzyl alcohol, caffeine, geraniol, quercetin, 3-galloyl epicatchin, 3-galloyl epigallocatchin and inorganic salts, would you take it? It sounds pretty ghastly. If instead you were offered a cup of tea, you would probably take it. Tea is a complex mixture containing the above chemicals in concentrations that vary depending on where it is grown.”

The truth will be that I will need a bunny sledge to haul my then swollen testicles back home after being rabbit-punched in them for my smart-arse antics.

Maybe I should just keep the chemicals between us.

 

*For anybody interested in reading further click on the link to: Making Sense of Chemical Stories.

 

John Britton, Professor of Epidemiology at the University of Nottingham, UK: “E-cigarette use has been a consumer led revolution and grown as a bottom-up public health initiative that could save millions of lives. It has moved at a speed that shows just how much smokers want and will choose nicotine products that don’t kill. I hope the WHO and all public health decision makers can recognise and harness the health opportunities that e-cigarettes can provide.”

In light of the open letter, the American Council on Science and Health commented “The WHO itself has predicted that, if current trends continue, one-billion lives will be cut short this century due to “tobacco.” What the WHO, the EU, and indeed our own CDC and other regulators fail to acknowledge is that almost all of those dead and sickened will suffer the effects of cigarette smoking. Other forms of tobacco are about 99 percent less harmful than smoke, especially including snus-type smokeless.”

They have asked for the WHO to encourage governments to adopt preferential taxation policies to encourage the take up of vaping. They have called for a rethink on advocating the banning of ecig advertising as an educated population is better able to make informed choices.

The 53 have also called for decisions to be influenced by a team of experts and grounded in good science rather than using the likes of Professor Glantz to manipulate findings to present worst case scenarios as if they were fact.

The media coverage of this event was unprecedented for vaping, reaching the number one spot in all online news media by 9am on Thursday.

Robert West, Professor of Health Psychology and Director of Tobacco Studies at University College in London said “For the WHO to suggest that e-cigarettes are as risky as other tobacco products would send an erroneous and bleak message to the millions of current e-cigarette users who have used them to quit smoking. It would discourage smokers from trying them and we would miss out on a major opportunity to reduce smoke related deaths globally.”

• The letter to the Director General of the World Health Organisation
• Clive Bates

How this will effect what will happen at the WHO meeting in August, the legislation from the EU and how it is implemented in the UK remains to be seen, but for those of us media watchers it will certainly make interesting reading and viewing.

 

If you are going to think about your catchphrase then ground it in the truth. Max Rip Trip Headcase claims that the future is now; it isn’t unless you are in possession of a DeLorean and a flux capacitor. More than that, if you do have a DeLorean and a flux capacitor then there are at least six other things you should be considering doing rather than video reviews. The future isn’t now Mr. Headcase, time’s arrow doesn’t work that way.

Imagine that you are down the pub; do you stand there with attractive women dripping from each shoulder? Does the place fall silent as you do or say something and then break out into rapturous applause? If not then acting probably isn’t your thing. If you want to entertain then, as Clint Eastwood said, “Go ahead, make my day”. The notion of performing coitus on cue, on camera, in front of an entire film unit does not appeal to me. I fear it would not be a pulsating experience for the assembled throng and so I have studiously avoided appearing in a mucky movie. I am aware of my limitations.

Let’s go back to the pub; pubs are great. If you are standing at the bar with a pint in hand telling a tale what is taking place in front of you? Is there a gaggle of doe-eyed onlookers, hanging on your every syllable waiting to start applauding at the end? Do others point out that the word you just said rhymed with anus frequently interrupt and laugh at you? Is there just a bored bar worker?

I say this because I used to know this guy, we’ll call him Neil; firstly, because Neil is a pretty generic name and also because his name was Neil. In fact, seeing as he’s still alive, his name still is Neil unless he has changed it through a court application, adopted a Superhero alter ego or suffers from permanent memory loss. But that’s not the point, stop being pedantic and let me get on with the story. Neil loved to tell a tale, it was his raison d’être, the only problem being that we called him Neil Monobore due to the droning nature of his voice. Cruel, I know, but true. People would take it in turns to interrupt him in order to make a joke of something he’d just said.

In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, there are three watchable British reviewers – Scott, Toddy and Damian (he recently of Safervapers). You have to include Damian in a list because he swears, has editing skills and is called Damian – and I make it a rule in life never to piss off someone who could potentially be the son of Satan. Scott is thorough, Todd is warmly engaging and Damian is anything he wants me to say he is because I don’t want to be trapped under the ice during a game of hockey. I’m serious. I may be an atheist but there are bears that should remain un-poked – that’s all I’m saying.

There rest is all rather straight forward:

• Focus – if the video looks like I’ve just consumed seventeen Tequilas and am using two of the shot glasses to look through then, frankly, I’m going back to the bar to order a second round.
• Focus – Going off at a tangent can be damn fine watching whereas watching you watching me watching you scramble around for the next thing to say is not engaging me. I’m going back to the bar for a third round
• Focus – I’ve nothing to add to this bit, I’ve had 51 Tequilas.

So, with this handy guide all you need to do is endear yourself to manufacturers and vendors. The very best way, and this has been proven by scientific research by top docs and boffins, is to send them a wedge of emails pointing out that you’ve been vaping for three weeks and would like all the free stuff they can fit in an envelope. Offering to call round and collect all the gear in a van might appear pushy but it will demonstrate your commitment to getting as much free stuff as quickly as possible.

Would you mind going to the bar for me? I’d go myself but Neil’s there.