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It was the day after the Euro referendum and Bob was happy/sad because the result was/wasn’t the way he’d wanted it to go. Typically, the weather outside was sunny/pouring down and his street was peaceful/swarming with rioters. Finally, he thought to himself, we can make plans for the future/go to Hell in a handcart.

Betty, his gorgeous/hideous wife, floated/crashed into the lounge promising him sexual favours/a life of ice lasting until his death. “Bob, I’ve told you before about leaving all of your vape gear over the table. You know damn well how much this excites me/makes me want to go live with my mother.” Bob raised his eyes to the ceiling; he (like all husbands) hated being treated as a hot sex object/second-rate and henpecked mother substitute.

At times like these he always opted to vape with a tank/dripper in order to convey the level of his delight/irritation to rival the time he met Michael McIntyre in Primark. But then he’d always found McIntyre’s face to be very slappable/ overpoweringly slappable.

“You know, the best thing about this referendum has been the calmed and measured debate/insane summoning of the forces of the dead befitting an Evil Dead sequel. In many ways it reminds me of the fantastic/woeful to and fro about vaping in the medical community.”

Betty wasn’t listening; she was far too preoccupied with slipping in to something comfier/packing her bags and dropping his comics (sorry, “graphic novels”) out of their protective sleeves. It’s fair to say that Betty had issues/had ruined his issues. Bob wasn’t wrong, and yet he was. For sure the debate surrounding ecigs has been polarised and contains more than its fair share of ridiculous statements being spouted by cartoonlike public health “experts”… but at least there was a side to pick with nothing but sensible commentators. And it was possible to escape from all of the vape politics if you wanted to.

With Betty draping herself over his shoulders/stomping down the path (through the people carrying flaming torches), Bob reflected on how different vapelife would be after this result. He’d decided a while ago that the TPD wasn’t going to be the main item to dictate his voting intention; there were other things he cared about, because, as far as vaping goes the outcome unfortunately won’t change a thing.

Bob blew a cloud and the world continued to turn. This is the only future that mattered.

In my head I’m picturing the tall bad guy and his bowler-hatted henchman in The Man With the Golden Gun: sun, sea, sand and Britt Ekland as Mary Goodnight. I’m pretty happy to bet Love Island isn’t all about lasers and world domination as the ultimate goal, but not enough to go to a bookies.

Learning new stuff, discovering things, is the preserve of the young and foolhardy. They can take risks. They can, if so inclined, watch Big Brother to discover how Gary Dafthair reacts to what Gloria Pagethree-Model did in the house pond. I can’t do that now because the bulk of my allotted years are behind me and I feel the pressing surge of mortality. Not only might I forget things if I learn new stuff but I run the risk it could be essential to me living a few weeks longer.

And so I rely on the ability to make snapshot judgements from morsels of opinion. If there’s a point of view given by a person I respect then I go with it. Film decisions are always made with deference to Mark Kermode‘s reviews. Even better, if someone I have little respect for expresses a liking for something then I’ll avoid it like the plague, which has meant I’ve never eaten Nandos, never watched Titanic and never heard a single song sung by Adele or Taylor Swift.

‘Oh but that’s just ignorant,’ they might say. And they are probably correct. Such is my level of ignorance it could well be that I’ve never watched Nandos, heard Titanic or eaten Taylor Swift. I simply don’t know – Taylor Swift could be a rugged builder or a new kind of coffee. But whatever it is they all do or are I’ve not done it. Just like I’ve never watched Love Island.

The thing is, if I wanted to know more about Love Island or Bruno Mars I could switch on the TV or Google. I reckon there are websites and news stories and video files by the bucket load. If I waded through them all I could become the world’s foremost authority on all things Selena Gomez. If I wanted.

And that’s what irks me about the restrictions being imposed by the Tobacco Products Directive. Once I’d delved into the plethora of bytes dedicated to Twilight I’d be able to decide for myself that, on balance, it was an awesome series of films (as my daughter seems to think). Or not. Almost probably definitely not. But if I’m a smoker then the only thing on offer to me now are things like Daily Mail stories, shared on social media, telling me how ecigs contain “toxic substances such as embalming fluid and weed killer.”

There’s one thing condemning people to ignorance of something 95% safer than smoking, it’s another thing entirely when the bulk of permissible coverage is nothing but an outright lie. Right, time to find out what this whole Big Brother thing is…I hear someone did something incredible.

He sighed and puffed as his brow became richly furrowed. A knee beneath the table kept rhythm to an unheard pulsating beat while the gentle twisting of the head exaggerated his wholesale lack of comprehension. And then, fired as if from a .44 handgun, the atty base flew into the corner of the screen, releasing a crack into the silence and spawning spider leg cracks from the point of impact. Jock wasn’t a happy man before. He was livid now.

The palpitating blood vessels grew as he roared: “Tax? Bloody tax? These gits want to tax me?” It’s fair to say that he was not making himself the most popular client in the library and it wasn’t like he didn’t face stiff competition. Pissy John hadn’t earned his nickname from the staff because of his excellent personal hygiene, but even he would have been welcomed with a warm embrace that afternoon.

“Mr. Tavish, this is the last time we’re going to ask you to remain quite. You know the rules and I…” But Jock wasn’t listening; he was already pacing for the door clutching a bag full of mods and an intention to find someone to share his anger.

He was locked in to the march to Wetherspoons. He was bent on breeding his burning sense of injustice. Trapped in a tunnel vision that rendered him unable to notice the child now lying on the floor surrounded by what used to be the contents of a bag of Haribos; a child who had been selecting their favourite sweet shortly before receiving a blow to the side of the head from his canvas sack full of metal. The record-breaking collection of abusive terms flying from its mother’s mouth were nothing but part of the backdrop of a town’s noise poking through the cloud he trailed behind him.

Three ill-dressed men, that could loosely be described as acquaintances of Jock’s, were nursing pints of Happy Hour lager. “The bloody Europe want to tax us for us vaping!” Flecks of spittle leapt from his tongue as it lashed a tale of unfairness and victimisation before it curled itself around a collection of words that caused one of the bartenders to approach. One F-word, three uses of one beginning with C and an unpleasant form of ‘Go away‘ later and Jock was outside again through the medium of a large doorman’s armlock. Three ill-dressed men exchanged looks and returned to silently cupping their glasses.

“I dinnae get it,” he implored to Steff. Steff spent her days loading plates with stale cake and pouring stewed cups of tea in the café next to Wetherspoons. All she knew of Jock was that he struggled to get into the seats that were fixed far to closely to the tables and that he always argued if she asked him not to vape inside. “It’s not like us vapers are hurting anyone.”

“We started from the premise that ‘We don’t know what is in them’,” explained Grinch, “and filled in the gaps with educated guesswork. While many would say that we should have used analytical equipment, we believe that our years of experience at making stuff up lends us expertise in this area that is second to none.”

“Our first revelation was that eliquid is made from organs harvested from unloved puppies, the by-products of nuclear fission and food that’s passed its sell-by date. Shocking, right? Not even in our wildest dreams did we imagine we’d discover this simply by inventing facts.”

The California Department of Public Health have already added the details onto their Still Blowing Guff website. “Sure, normally we’d wait until someone said that someone else thought it seemed OK, for other campaigns – but this website is all about spreading fear-based information that no one else has thought up of yet,” said a spokesperson too afraid to give their name.

Grinch continued: “And do you know who makes eliquids? Terrorists, that’s who. All of them, every eliquid company: terrorists. If you buy a bottle of High-VG ‘Strawberry Delightfully Nice’ then all you’re doing is funding them to engage in more 7-Elevens. Say no to terrorists, say no to vaping, is what we say when we’re saying it.”

Stanton then pushed a photograph across the table. It showed people locked in confined spaces like factory farm chickens. “This is how they make the devices they use for this electronic smoking thing,” he said. “It’s true.” He stated that his research proved terrorists locked up people from America and Europe and forced them to manufacture mods and atomisers from the bones of endangered species. “It’s a bit blurry so you can’t see it, but this man is holding the ribcage of a white tiger that will be made into just one electronic cigarette tube. They kill 1,700 of these tigers a week and there were only 200 in the world to begin with. Do you know what this means? We now have -26,500 white tigers globally.”

It seems hard to argue about the good vaping does when confronted by such evidence. Then we learnt that vape shops are actually run by organised crime. “I’m not lying or anything,” Grinch adamantly said while slamming his hand on the table for dramatic effect. “They staff these so-called ‘vape shops’ with prostitutes they trafficked against their will and all their profits go to buying fast cars to do drive-by shootings. I spent three months undercover as one of these prostitutes. I really did. I was great at it because I’ve been prostituting my services for the Pharma industry for years now.”

Andy Goodbloke from the American Bunch of Bloody Nice Vapers Association, commenting on the study, said: “Go home California, you’re drunk.”

And this is where Stealthvape comes in. We led the way with the introduction of the eight-day vaping week, we created sub & over-ohming – and we now bring you the fairest possible competition known to vapekind.

The problem, as we see it, all began with the move to change school sports days from having a competitive bent to ones where every child partakes in a series of dull events and everybody wins something. It has had serious ramifications for society at large and ended up with everyone being asked to clean for the Queen – with no prize at all. No Like & Share, no random draw video, no nothing except an online picture of Michael Gove wearing a safety hat (in case he gets hit by an errant empty packet of Walkers Crisps) and a front room full of bin bags.

Now, obviously, some people might be very appreciative of that alluring photo of Gove. We have no intention of judging them and their deviant preferences. What we are calling for is a more inclusive kind of giveaway format for vaping, that’s all. Preferably one not involving the Right Honorable Mike.

Many have expressed their dissatisfaction at competitions that discriminate against vapers who do not have a Facebook account. Others feel competitions run solely on Twitter count them out, as they do not have a Twitter account. Some have indicated that running a competition that doesn’t have a decent prize offends their sense of entitlement. We hear you all.

So here it is: The Great Stealthvape Competition. What’s up for grabs, we hear you clamour? What isn’t on the table more like! You want mods? You want atomisers? You want the world and everything in it? Game on!

First prize, out of a total of one prize, is everything ever made that is vaping related. Everything*. We’ve been diligently storing one of all the things ever made on a specially constructed artificial island three miles east of Sunderland. The boxes currently stand 142 feet high and cover 19 acres. It’s the best prize since Toyah presented a signed Top of the Pops album to the 1978 winner of Northamptonshire’s Young Miss Personality of the Year.

How do you win it?

In order to ensure fairness to people without certain social media accounts we will be doing this analogue style. First, write you name on an envelope and post it to David Cameron expressing your interest in being considered. Next, have a painting made of you vaping while standing next to the Pope at the British Superbikes round at Silverstone, and send it by carrier pigeon to Bob Carolgees. And the final of the three qualification events requires you to perform something enabling you to be listed in the 2017 Guinness Book of World Records. The time spent in a bath of baked beans looks the easiest. We anticipate many of you getting to this stage.

The next phase will determine our eventual winner. Stealthvape wants a real champion, and real champions know how to wield a sword. Or axe. Or anything really, just so long as you wield it. Wielding is good. The Deathmatch round will see our competitors whittled down from thousands to just one. One true vaping champion who can lay claim to the Isle of Vape prize.

*Terms and conditions apply

Stanton Glantz doesn’t like it though. He doesn’t like the idea of vapers enjoying themselves and he loathes the idea that you are all being paid by Big Tobacco to promote vaping. Katie Hopkins probably hates it too. We haven’t bothered to find out as reading her Twitter feed has been linked to an increased rate of brain aneurisms, but it’s a reasonable bet that as normal people enjoy it she will despise them.

There’s a market segment that’s been clearly overlooked though, and we believe we’re riding the bleeding edge of invention by catering to its needs. We asked ourselves the question: “Where’s the next step?” There’s everything for vapers who have successfully swapped smoking for ecigs and yet those vapers looking to switch of electronic cigs entirely – nothing.

Sure, vaping is awesome and makes us all look cool but some people don’t like the secondary effects. Being swamped with attractive folks bent on getting to know you sexually or hang out down the pub can become a drag if all you want to do is stay in and listen to Gardener’s Question Time. What’s a person to do? You need the Stealthvape range of motivational products, that’s what.

Step One: The Stealthvape VapeMate Safe. It’s like a normal safe but six times better. With sections to accommodate you mods and atomisers, dedicated drawers for all of your rebuildable equipment and a toilet roll dispenser, it’s the ideal repository for all of your gear. How does this help? It aids you because the Stealthvape Vapemate Safe randomly changes its 17-digit electronic password ensuring that you’d have to really be dedicated to taking vaping up again. It took Stephen Hawking three weeks and a computer-operated acetylene torch to get in during our extensive trials.

Step Two: The Stealthvape Vapemate Nonvapecig. It looks like a mod and atomiser, it has a colourful liquid in the tank, but press the button and nothing happens. It’s like being inside Katie Hopkins’ brain; nothing is going on, but nicer. You get all of the enjoyment from holding something amazing but none of the temptation to use it in public.

Step Three: The Stealthvape Vapemate Patch. This isn’t like a nicotine patch because that would be stupid. No, these are like pirate eye patches but in the style of glasses so that even if a friend pops around you won’t be able to see their kit. Not only will it remove temptation but also you will become as fantastic as a pirate Johnny Depp. We do not advise using the Stealthvape Vapemate Patch when driving or operating heavy machinery.

And when you have successfully (avoided accidents) quit, we’ll be there for you in the future too with a forthcoming range of post-vaping products. You might want to leave the Stealthvape Vapemate Patch off so you can read about it.

In the 192-page document, The RCP lay bare the lies put up against vaping and detail exactly why everyone should embrace electronic cigarettes as a harm reduction tool. When taken together with the Public Health England 95% Safer report, the evidence is now overwhelming – there can be no disputing the fact that vaping is substantially better than smoking and offers an excellent way out of addiction.

Contributors to the report included some of the best-informed members of the research and academic communities:

• Deborah Arnott, ASH
• Richard Ashcroft, Queen Mary University
• Linda Bauld, University of Stirling
• John Britton, University of Nottingham
• Peter Hajek, Queen Mary University
• Ann McNeill, King’s College
• Robert West, University College London

The report covers topics such as the breadth of smoking in Britain, how nicotine affects the body, the role for e-cigarettes in harm reduction and the ethics surrounding its adoption. What it also does it tackle the objections to allowing vaping head on. How many times have we read warnings that vaping can lead society back to the normalisation of smoking and undo decades of progress in reducing smoking-related deaths? The debate over proposals to restrict the use of ecigs in Wales was dominated by mentions of an alleged gateway effect – whereby non-smokers would be tempted into using tobacco cigarettes after using an ecig first. Plus, opponents argue that vaping only provides a temporary escape from smoking, and that vapers return to smoking as a result because they don’t make a clean break. The report crushes all three of their core arguments: “there is no evidence that any of these processes is occurring to any significant degree in the UK.”

As Duncan Selbie from Public Health England says: “The evidence is clear; vaping is much less harmful to health than smoking, and this report further highlights the important role of e-cigarettes in reducing the deadly harms smoking causes.” The chief executive stated that if smokers combined vaping with the services offered by a local Quit program they stood an “extremely good chance of quitting smoking successfully.”

We welcome the Royal College of Physicians Report and hope the government takes on board its messages. We hope that they see that Article 20 of the Tobacco Products Directive will act as a barrier to many of the recommendations and be very detrimental to the nascent British vaping industry.

Some like to have a simple, tight draw while others want an open draw to rival sucking on the Mersey tunnel. There are vapers who exhale discrete puffs, barely noticeable to all but the most irritating moaner. There are vapers who produce cloudbanks, which cause warnings on the shipping forecast, and there are vapers who do all manner of tricks. But the problem has always been that you have to set up your kit for one thing.

Not anymore.

We’ve designed something that is all things to everybody. You’ll be amazed at the simple beauty of the Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers ™. OK, we admit, it doesn’t scrub up very well in photographs – but then neither did Audrey Hepburn without 3kg of makeup. That’s a fact we found on the internet – and the internet never lies. You can believe that because you are reading this on the internet.

This is a machine that blows O’s, does tricks, chucks out clouds of predetermined lengths (from amateur to comp winner) and even produces clouds resembling famous celebrities. You too will be able to make an octopus or make it look like your lounge has just been visited by the ghost of Giant Haystacks, the wrestler. For those who want to turn full pro, the Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers ™ means sponsorship is almost definitely guaranteed – if you can find someone to pay you to vape.

How does it work? The box has two modes: blow and suck. The suck function is for those looking for simple vaping. The self-contained atomiser feeds up to the mouth using our patented Gobtube. The user friendly buttons allow the experience to be personalised in under three hours of easy button pressing.

But when it’s time to party, the blow function will give you tricks for days. The adult lock can be enabled to turn off the suck function meaning all your children and grandchildren can join in the vape japes and malarkey too.

The box has been future-proofed. Our downloadable interface will work on all the operating systems – both Windows 95 AND Windows 98. Not only that, we realise that the more technically advanced among you will now be using Windows XP and we will be launching a patch to accommodate that in 2019.

It’s fully customisable too with our range of exciting and useful range of accessories:

• Gobtubes in different colours and materials
• Extendable Gobtubes for vaping during commutes, riding motorbikes, marathon running or something like space exploration or whatever.
• Seeing a bandwagon to jump on, we’re also launching a range of Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers switchback caps.
• External backpack juice reservoir with solar recharger so you can literally vape for days.
• Downloadable celebrity faces, animal shapes and rude objects for cloud formations.

We know that you’ll be as excited about this as we are, so we urge you to get on this quick. Demand will be through the roof, along with the price, so make sure you don’t miss out on owning your very own Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers™.

As a company supplying products to customers, we go to huge lengths in order to ensure that the items we source are of the highest quality. We need to make sure that what will sell will be safe in use and your pleasure is not impaired. But, should the worst happen, we have arranged comprehensive cover with a product liability policy.

In order to limit the potential for accidents we carry out risk assessments and fully test all products prior to them being listed on the website. We consider the materials used, the design, potential situations in use and subscribe to RAPEX (the European notification system for products posing a risk).

But we live in the real world and fully understand that the best-laid plans can go awry. We believe that it is both prudent and responsible to ensure that we carry suitable product liability insurance to give you the reassurance that, as a responsible vendor, we are able to deal with unforeseeable incidents.

Although the heaviest burden falls on the manufacturers of products, we have made sure that we carry sufficient cover should you be seriously injured or suffer damage to personal property while using a product that we sold. In addition to this, government regulations stipulate that products sourced from the European Union or America oblige the vendor to accept the responsibility for product liability.

Such protection for the end consumer does not come cheap – but we don’t put a price on your peace of mind. In fact, as the vape market is still relatively new, many brokers refuse to cover businesses at all. We are delighted to have sourced a policy especially tailored for the vape market, from a broker who fully understands the business and potential risks.

We have always taken a proactive stance regarding product safety and promoting customer awareness. We promise to warn you about any potential risks should they come to light, to provide you with relevant information to assist you in understanding any potential risks, to continually monitor the safety of the products we source to sell and take immediate action if a problem is discovered – all in full accordance with The General Product Safety Regulations 2005.

If you are concerned about one of our products or believe it is responsible for an incident we would ask you to let us know as soon as possible, providing as much information as possible. Photographs will help us to expedite the process although being able to see the problem first hand is the best scenario and we would urge you to contact us about arranging a return.

We are always happy to answer your questions on this or any other matter. You can email us by using the form or details on this page.

“My little Johnny loves to vape,” Gladys Hip-Problem told us, “but he struggled to afford all of those large bottles.” We hear you, Gladys. For too long the vape industry has forgotten about all the non-working vapers out there. “It’s like, those 120ml bottles go from forty pounds and up. How is a 12yr-old going to buy them? He isn’t, that’s how. He struggles to find the money for his weekend WKDs as it is.”

“He got picked on in the playground by the rich kids who laugh at him. ‘Johnny no-vapes’ they call him. It’s not fair – the teachers did nothing. He’s clutching his tiny bottle of juice while they’re carting around huge great carafes. All I can say is a big ‘thank EU’ to the politicians responsible for this new law. Now the rest of them are going to have to buy 10 microscopic containers with their chip money too, it’s really levelled the playing field. And the playground. And Maths lessons – well they have to do something in class because that Mr Crabtree is awful.”

Yes, thanks to Linda McAvan MEP, everybody from the long-term disabled to the Terrible Twos can now share in this wonderful Act of equality. McAvan has been concerned about the declining rates of teen smoking for some time and saw attacking ecigs as a brilliant way to redress this.

“The trouble for small hands is that they have difficulty grasping a big bottle of eLiquid,” said business expert Tim Wingnut, famed for being fired on Series 3 of The Apprentice after he failed to sell fried food to Glaswegians. “McAvan correctly identified that an easy-hold 10ml bottle would overcome this and have them on plain packs of Bensons before the year is out.”

“Johnny has already worked out that he can fit twelve different flavours and two of his favourite mods into his pencil case as long as he takes out all of those useless pens,” add Mrs Hip-Problem. “He’s delighted.”

We asked Gladys if she felt the ban on advertising was a step too far? “Absolutely not,” she replied. “Sure, he liked to look at the pictures and stuck them up on his wall, but it’s not like any of these kids can read anyways. Plus, there is such a demand for the illegal adverts that he’s selling them on eBay and using the money to buy more atomisers.”

Wingnut continues: “The genius of McAvan and her peers is that they also banned packs of ten cigs. They noticed that a kid with a small pack might finish them and quit – or, worse, have a couple of stingy mates poncing fags are bring about the quit attempt even sooner. By ensuring that kids moving up into smoking have to buy 20 smokes at a time will guarantee they stay coughing for longer and will always have one for the bus shelter.”

“In my professional opinion: I’ve not seen such thorough thinking since some ‘Swiss army knife of business skills’ stored calamari in the sun at the start of Series 11 of The Apprentice. Did you know I was in The Apprentice once? Would you like my autograph?”

“Me and Johnny are so thankful to that lovely Mr Cameron,” finished the mad mother. “Without him rubber-stamping the TPD it wouldn’t be happening. He knows that restricting the strength means kids won’t be put off by high-nic juices. He’s really brilliant, I’ve always trusted politicians who eat a hotdog with a knife and fork.”