We cherish freedom of expression and thought at Stealthvape Towers. If you want to believe the Moon is made of cheese or the world is flatter than the enthusiasm for a Spice Girls reunion, great. Some people really want to hate vaping and vapers but aren’t sure how to go about it, so here’s our helpful guide.

We have all been to or seen pictures of that place where a number of vapers are meeting up. After a countdown, gleefully, everyone helps to create a fog bank inside a room. Anti-vape campaigners will tell you that this constitutes second-hand vape, and that when it settles it becomes some kind of dangerous third-hand vape. Not so, according to a strange source.

First it was the truth. Once held up to be the ultimate in any discussion or debate, the truth has been swiftly sidelined for anything that pretends to be entertaining, frightening or awesome. Want to hear the truth about our road network? No, no you don’t. You want to see a motorbike carrying seven people and a bucket of blancmange being hit by a biplane full of penguins. And there’s the other new paradigm: while peace and love were once hailed as aspirational goals, now it’s all about hitting someone in the face with a bat.

Here it comes, the absolute end of the beginning. Here it comes, the Tobacco Products Directive. What was once spoken about, campaigned against and caused at least one petition a week to be drawn up faded from public debate. In fact, it’s been so long since many have openly discussed it that a sizeable number of people are totally ignorant about it and what it might mean to them.

Flavours only serve one purpose, according to public health zealots, and that is to snare children. All a child needs to do is take one whiff of a donut cloud or a plume of lemon meringue pie and BOOM they’re hooked on fags for life. Moreover, you adults are all fooling yourselves. Not our words, those are the thoughts of the world’s public health experts.

Do you remember going to see the careers guidance officer? At least that is what they were called when I was at school, I believe following continual cutbacks that the Department for Education has issued all institutions with a dartboard labelled up with all the options. Spotty hormonal teenagers now shuffle down a dank corridor, pick up a blunt set of arrows and have three opportunities to land one of the two placements in their town.

If you were to carry out a survey of the Stealthvape workforce, a proper survey designed to uncover the truth – not like those political polls at election time – and ask the vital question: “what is the most important thing in the world?” If you get rid of the soppy answers covering spouses, spawn and love, you will find one answer topping all others. You will find the answer is cheese.

Hunting out work stuff on the web uncovers a whole host of new information. As a would-be autodidact, vaping leads out through politics and public health policies into a wonderful world of philosophy, psychology and alien spheres of science. It’s an awesome jungle of discovery. And then, just to keep it fruity, I occasionally land on something like the article I read this week. The article explaining to me that a chimpanzee’s testicles weigh more than a third of its brain.

It is probably best if, before this article goes any further, we point out that we have not received any money, favours or benefits in kind from Big Music. No CDs, no tickets for The Proms – not even the autographs of Little Mix. Nothing. We need to point this out because there will almost certainly be some public health expert or other decrying us as shills or indulging in astroturfing.