“When as a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

Yep, if you’d asked me back then who was my favourite character it would have been the robot but I’m not a kid anymore. Now if I look at the robot I can fully appreciate Zachary Smith’s take on him – he was an annoying, interfering, meddlesome idiot. Constantly harping with warnings of impending danger he was nothing more than a jumped up Health & Safety officer in a silver suit.

As for Will, if he were in my school class I’d bully him mercilessly for being the squeaky clean git he is. And I say this as a teacher.

Warnings about dangers are all fair and well if they are delivered in context and measured. In response to the letter to the World Health Organisation the vaping world’s Zachary Smith (played by Professor Glantz) took up a pen to respond.

Unfortunately for us all Glantz is neither camp, entertaining, worth watching or constantly up to mischief. Oh, hang on a second, I take that last bit back because if there’s one thing Prof Glantz is always up to it’s mischief – just the incredibly dull and stupid kind. Dull and stupid like the kid in our village who waits for half an hour for a car to appear before walking across the road i.n.c.r.e.d.i.b.l.y.s.l.o.w.l.y.

In his letter (where he managed to find over a hundred people who should be educated enough to know better to co-sign) he made a succession of unsubstantiated claims.

E-cigs are dangerous because they rope young people into smoking and vaping. Unfortunately what Stan was unaware of (or chose to ignore) were that the research he cited proves exactly the opposite. It demonstrates the number of teen smokers in the US has fallen alongside a minimal increase in vaping that suggests either kids gave up without vaping or used vaping to quit. Stupid Stan.

Electronic cigarettes are dangerous because they contain heavy metals. I think the big mistake he makes here is to confuse the term heavy metals with Heavy Metal. Obviously no sane parent would want their child doing cocaine with Lemmy or having lessons in how to kill bats in the land of Oz.

He was trying to say that they contain heavy metals that are dangerous to health but, erm, so is the air we breathe and the water we drink. He wants us to think they are as injurious to our wellbeing as becoming a drummer with Spinal Tap.

Unfortunately for Zachary Glantz he forgot to check up on what the actual readings are and how they compare to the legislation on safe levels. Tested levels have shown the presence of nickel and lead in vape is in the order of 6x less while chromium is over 70 times less the agreed daily safe dosage limit. I could go on but that would get as dull as reading one of his press releases.

While working with a chemical company we did a project with NASA to create a micrometeorite detector. I’m pretty au fait with the concept of micro particles as a result so when he warns the World Health Organisation that vape contains them I come over all face palms. It’s not the size of the meteorite that kills you in space; it’s the speed it hits you at. It’s not the cloud of microparticles that kills you; it’s what the cloud is made up from. In the case of vape we know it’s not got the 2,000+ carcinogens and toxins that smoke has.

I really wish Professor Glantz could get lost in space instead of trying to use the space between his ears.

In an article not written today by Clive Bates (and consequently not shared widely via social media) evidence has come to light of a direct link between blinkered ignorance and opposition to vaping, a highly dangerous condition going by the name of Ecigbola or e-Bola.

In order to ensure public safety, he didn’t continue, there is a pressing need to quarantine all members of the World Health Organisation immediately in order to prevent a pandemic of stupid. Clive didn’t say: “Let’s be clear about this, the situation presenting itself is one that calls for direct action on a level with the threat itself.”

Wikileaks published evidence of the WHO in the full grip of e-Bola. They were caught planning nonsense in a cartoon by a bored executive. “To be honest, we never suspected the man doodling on his notepad in the meeting was paying attention,” said a top ranker.

If you are concerned that you, someone you know or someone you’ve never met but works in a public health capacity may have contracted e-Bola then look for the following telltale signs:

• Headaches, leading to the wearing a blindfold or closing eyes tightly in the presence of bright evidence.
• Diarrhoea, mainly verbal when confronted by the media (can be in written form).
• A loss of appetite, for reasoned discussion.
• Difficulty swallowing, the truth.
• Rash, of abusive tweeting.
• Chest pain, due to being swollen with Big Pharma cash.

Professor Damage, the Imperial University of Japan Tobacco Incorporated, recently completed his WHO-funded-it(?) study into toxins produced by electronic cigarettes. “We decided that the best method was to do away with the traditional time-wasting approach of experimentation and peer-review so we’ve jumped straight to a conclusion,” laughed Damage from his isolated island of evil.

With eyes wide shut and addressing a wall, he added: “We all know that vaping gives you herpes and reverses time so let’s just start being honest about it.”

Bates didn’t point to this as yet another frightening example of e-Bola stricken ostriches but the analogy is clear: instead of suffocating themselves in sandpits they are parading around making stupid comments for cash. Lots of cash.

“This is why we needed to set up a ‘not quite a celebrity any longer‘-driven charity campaign” no one was quoted at a press conference that didn’t happen. “The causes of e-Bola appear to be rooted in the opulence experienced by those in highest public health office and their need to hang on to those Pharma-funded caviar banquets. We have enlisted the support of the popular band Sir Bob and Midge the Lapdog to encourage them to give up their trappings,” no one continued.

Clive Bates has yet to clarify whether e-Bola is a real disease but seeing as this is now on the Internet all indications point to that it is. No representative of the World Health Organisation was available to confirm if they knew it was Christmastime.

“It’s e-Bolatime; there’s no need to be afraid
At e-Bolatime, we let in cash and banish vape

And in our world of plenty we drink champers at the Bolshoi
Throw your hands over your eyes at e-Bolatime”

Compare us to any other primate – we have bigger brains and (on average) bigger penises. This is not a comparison I suggest you make in public at a nearby Zoo. As a race we tend to be absorbed by aesthetic rather than pure function. While sucking in our cheeks and looking upwards to cameras for selfies we fix our hair and colour match clothes.

A mod and atty are about the vape and flavour and yet the online world is blossoming for aftermarket parts to enhance your device from drip tips to replacement caps and tinted Pyrex. Post a picture on a forum of your favourite set up before long someone will say looking at it makes him or her feel violently ill and suggest a way to improve it.

*For those interested – bins are a good way of improving the appearance of this device:

But does it matter? Of course not, what may look good to you will most certainly offend someone else’s eyes. There’s no best looking device, there’s no playbook of vaping do or do nots.

My problem is that of being ridiculously clumsy. Given, I’m getting better and controlling my limbs again now and it’s happening less frequently, but it’s a given that tall 18650 mods move themselves to a region of maximum clipability every time you aren’t looking.

As someone who works by a computer during the day I’ve got tired of the inevitable swearing session as something (usually with a glass tank) arcs through the air due to my stupidity. So I’ve had a good hunt for alternatives.

Pinky: Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?

Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky – try to impose our values over the rest of the eWorld!

I’ve explored the world of 18500s, I journeyed to the centre of 18350s – heck, I even teleported to the land of 14500s for a very short time a time equal to that of their inability to continually deliver satisfaction. Just like London: many might appreciate them and be fun to visit but I don’t want to live there.

Aesthetically I love the idea of 18350 and 14500 mods, they’re dinky but they’re never going to overthrow the Earth. Narf. The lifespan between charges means I feel I’m constantly swapping batteries out as their useful mAh period vanishes quicker than this week’s magic wire for coils online merchant’s Facebook account.

And so I eventually bit the bullet and did what Megan suggested, I went large.

I can’t say I’m staggered by the increased lifespan of a 26650 but what has been wonderful is the increased pleasure-giving girth. A Mojo Megan is far sturdier on the desk, a Black Oak lays its roots down like a tree standing by the riverside – it shall not be moved.

People say, “Ah yes, Dave, but those things can’t be taken out and about with you – they’re hardly pocket friendly.”

Maybe those people have small pockets, I don’t know, but placing a 26650-tube mod in your jeans on a night out certainly attracts some interested glances. Like the lovely ladies in the survey point out, there is no one-size-fits-all in life, there’s just whatever makes you happy.