If your memory serves you well then you’ll recall that the likes of British Gas had abysmal customer service, premium-rate phone numbers and liked to keep you on hold for as long as possible. I took to reciting a list of possible key words with each call in the hope that it would break me out of the hold queue. Kidnap revolution bomb fatwa plot.

Annoying family members and friends who send me pictures of cats or their children by email now get the same treatment. I make a point of trying to use as many key words as possible so that they can spend a fortnight being followed by a black van with blacked out windows. Lockdown epidemic toxic plague CIKR.

A FOI request to the Department of Homeland Security in 2012 highlighted the (then) 377 words they actively scan for in intercepted emails and social media posts. Giving information like this to someone as “emotionally immature” (not my words, the words of my line manager during an annual performance review) as me is begging for problems. Perica NBIC port heroin worm conflict NH4NO3.

Clearly there is a need to drop a dirty bomb of mischief and I’m the idiot to do it. The point of this? Well, frankly I’m a bit disappointed that you think there has to be one – it places unacceptable levels of expectation on my writing. There is a point, it was reported on Reuters newswires this week:

The Food & Drug Administration is monitoring your Facebooks. That’s right, the American agency tasked with the oversight of US policy on vaping has employed people as part of its $270 million spend over the next five years to snoop. They are going to be sifting social media posts for details of how we vapers are “tinkering with e-cigarettes to make the devices deliver extra nicotine”.

In British contract and case law there is the term invitatio ad offerendum meaning ‘invitation to treat’. This action by the FDA is just that – it’s an open offer to wind them up with a succession of bizarre and outlandish bogus posts demonstrating how we have adapted our Kayfuns to deliver extra nicotine.

The simple fact that they don’t understand someone could just buy a higher strength cigalike says everything about their comprehension of the subject at hand.

I know, it’s a puerile idea. I understand, a man of my years ought to be seeking pleasure in the arms of a good chair and a pair of slippers – or a shed. The thing is when stupid comes knocking on the door I always open it up, invite it in and mess with its head. Think of it as a hobby. A hobby like attacking my dripper with a durka durka screwdriver to increase the Mohammed jihad nicotine output.

Those 377 Department of Homeland Security words in full:

• Department of Homeland Security (DHS)
• Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA)
• Coast Guard (USCG)
• Customs and Border Protection (CBP)
• Border Patrol
• Secret Service (USSS)
• National Operations Center (NOC)
• Homeland Defense
• Immigration Customs Enforcement (ICE)
• Agent
• Task Force
• Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)
• Fusion Center
• Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA)
• Secure Border Initiative (SBI)
• Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)
• Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms (ATF)
• U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (CIS)
• Federal Air Marshal Service (FAMS)
• Transportation Security Administration (TSA)
• Air Marshal
• Federal Aviation Administration (FAA)
• National Guard
• Red Cross
• United Nations (UN)
• Assassination
• Attack
• Domestic security
• Drill
• Exercise
• Cops
• Law enforcement
• Authorities
• Disaster assistance
• Disaster management
• DNDO (Domestic Nuclear Detection Office)
• National preparedness
• Mitigation
• Prevention
• Response
• Recovery
• Dirty bomb
• Domestic nuclear detection
• Emergency management
• Emergency response
• First responder
• Homeland security
• Maritime domain awareness (MDA)
• National preparedness initiative
• Militia Shooting
• Shots fired
• Evacuation
• Deaths
• Hostage
• Explosion (explosive)
• Police
• Disaster medical assistance team (DMAT)
• Organized crime
• Gangs
• National security
• State of emergency
• Security
• Breach
• Threat
• Standoff
• SWAT
• Screening
• Lockdown
• Bomb (squad or threat)
• Crash
• Looting
• Riot
• Emergency
• Landing
• Pipe bomb
• Incident
• Facility
• Hazmat
• Nuclear
• Chemical spill
• Suspicious package/device
• Toxic
• National laboratory
• Nuclear facility
• Nuclear threat
• Cloud
• Plume
• Radiation
• Radioactive
• Leak
• Biological infection (or event)
• Chemical
• Chemical burn
• Biological
• Epidemic
• Hazardous
• Hazardous material incident
• Industrial spill
• Infection
• Powder (white)
• Gas
• Spillover
• Anthrax
• Blister agent
• Chemical agent
• Exposure
• Burn
• Nerve agent
• Ricin
• Sarin
• North Korea
• Outbreak
• Contamination
• Exposure
• Virus
• Evacuation
• Bacteria
• Recall
• Ebola
• Food Poisoning
• Foot and Mouth (FMD)
• H5N1
• Avian
• Flu
• Salmonella
• Small Pox
• Plague
• Human to human
• Human to Animal
• Influenza
• Center for Disease Control (CDC)
• Drug Administration (FDA)
• Public Health
• Toxic Agro
• Terror Tuberculosis (TB)
• Agriculture
• Listeria
• Symptoms
• Mutation
• Resistant
• Antiviral
• Wave
• Pandemic
• Infection
• Water/air borne
• Sick
• Swine
• Pork
• Strain
• Quarantine
• H1N1
• Vaccine
• Tamiflu
• Norvo Virus
• Epidemic
• World Health Organization (WHO) (and components)
• Viral Hemorrhagic Fever
• E. Coli
• Infrastructure security
• Airport
• CIKR (Critical Infrastructure & Key Resources)
• AMTRAK
• Collapse
• Computer infrastructure
• Communications infrastructure
• Telecommunications
• Critical infrastructure
• National infrastructure
• Metro
• WMATA
• Airplane (and derivatives)
• Chemical fire
• Subway
• BART
• MARTA
• Port Authority
• NBIC (National Biosurveillance Integration Center)
• Transportation security
• Grid
• Power
• Smart
• Body scanner
• Electric
• Failure or outage
• Black out
• Brown out
• Port
• Dock
• Bridge
• Cancelled
• Delays
• Service disruption
• Power lines
• Drug cartel
• Violence
• Gang
• Drug
• Narcotics
• Cocaine
• Marijuana
• Heroin
• Border
• Mexico
• Cartel
• Southwest
• Juarez
• Sinaloa
• Tijuana
• Torreon
• Yuma
• Tucson
• Decapitated
• U.S. Consulate
• Consular
• El Paso
• Fort Hancock
• San Diego
• Ciudad Juarez
• Nogales
• Sonora
• Colombia
• Mara salvatrucha
• MS13 or MS-13
• Drug war
• Mexican army
• Methamphetamine
• Cartel de Golfo
• Gulf Cartel
• La Familia
• Reynosa
• Nuevo Leon
• Narcos
• Narco banners (Spanish equivalents)
• Los Zetas
• Shootout
• Execution
• Gunfight
• Trafficking
• Kidnap
• Calderon
• Reyosa
• Bust
• Tamaulipas
• Meth Lab
• Drug trade
• Illegal immigrants
• Smuggling (smugglers)
• Matamoros
• Michoacana
• Guzman
• Arellano-Felix
• Beltran-Leyva
• Barrio Azteca
• Artistic Assassins
• Mexicles
• New Federation
• Terrorism
• Al Qaeda (all spellings)
• Terror
• Attack
• Iraq
• Afghanistan
• Iran
• Pakistan
• Agro
• Environmental terrorist
• Eco terrorism
• Conventional weapon
• Target
• Weapons grade
• Dirty bomb
• Enriched
• Nuclear
• Chemical weapon
• Biological weapon
• Ammonium nitrate
• Improvised explosive device
• IED (Improvised Explosive Device)
• Abu Sayyaf
• Hamas
• FARC (Armed Revolutionary Forces Colombia)
• IRA (Irish Republican Army)
• ETA (Euskadi ta Askatasuna)
• Basque Separatists
• Hezbollah
• Tamil Tigers
• PLF (Palestine Liberation Front)
• PLO (Palestine Liberation Organization
• Car bomb
• Jihad
• Taliban
• Weapons cache
• Suicide bomber
• Suicide attack
• Suspicious substance
• AQAP (AL Qaeda Arabian Peninsula)
• AQIM (Al Qaeda in the Islamic Maghreb)
• TTP (Tehrik-i-Taliban Pakistan)
• Yemen
• Pirates
• Extremism
• Somalia
• Nigeria
• Radicals
• Al-Shabaab
• Home grown
• Plot
• Nationalist
• Recruitment
• Fundamentalism
• Islamist
• Emergency
• Hurricane
• Tornado
• Twister
• Tsunami
• Earthquake
• Tremor
• Flood
• Storm
• Crest
• Temblor
• Extreme weather
• Forest fire
• Brush fire
• Ice
• Stranded/Stuck
• Help
• Hail
• Wildfire
• Tsunami Warning Center
• Magnitude
• Avalanche
• Typhoon
• Shelter-in-place
• Disaster
• Snow
• Blizzard
• Sleet
• Mud slide or Mudslide
• Erosion
• Power outage
• Brown out
• Warning
• Watch
• Lightening
• Aid
• Relief
• Closure
• Interstate
• Burst
• Emergency Broadcast System
• Cyber security
• Botnet
• DDOS (dedicated denial of service)
• Denial of service
• Malware
• Virus
• Trojan
• Keylogger
• Cyber Command
• 2600
• Spammer
• Phishing
• Rootkit
• Phreaking
• Cain and abel
• Brute forcing
• Mysql injection
• Cyber attack
• Cyber terror
• Hacker
• China
• Conficker
• Worm
• Scammers
• Social media

There were all the times when I looked for comfort and fulfilment only to find the store was empty and I’d have to wait. The paranoid side of me would set to work: who else had been here? How come I’m being spurned?

I can still remember the burning pain of realisation as if it was only yesterday. This is because of because of two things: I’ve got a decent memory for stuff like this and, secondly, it was only yesterday. Yep, this is an unrequited love song filled with still fresh in the mouth misdirected rawness and anger.

Was it something I’d not done? Had I not been there when it mattered?

I’d taken you everywhere with me, through good times and bad we’ve been inseparable since we met. Now there’s nothing left except your scent.

For sure, I’d played the field in days gone by gather ye rosebuds and all that. We all go through that experimental phase to see what matches us as people, our tastes, our needs. But in the end I found the one that would see me through until everything was over and buried. Nothing else compared to you, as Sinead O’Connor sang; the contentment I felt, the fulfilment – I know I’m still going through the denial phase but I can’t see me ever having anything like this in my life again.

Why House of Liquid? Why?! A Dear Dave note? Noooooo…

In a world of coffee vapes there has only ever been Brasileiro for me. The sweet ones can take a running jump, the expressos taste like vaping raw petroleum by-products. Brasileiro was everything I ever wanted in a coffee vape and it’s all I want now. Oh no, I think the realisation phase is kicking in, I feeling morose and tearful.

“It’s only an eliquid, Dave, it’s only an eliquid. There’s plenty more bottles of juice in the sea of mixed metaphors.”

I’m a man who likes to have an atty for every mod and a juice just for that atty. What the flipping blazes am I to do now with the Versa? I don’t have a juice for it. I’m thinking I’ll just place it to a side and mournfully suck on its battery-less corpse, breathing the ebbing sense of flavour until it will become a homeopathic tool with nothing more than memories of the juice.

If you would like to contribute to MawsleyAid then please send your donations of full or empty Brasileiro bottles to: “The saddest man in Mawsley, Mawsley, Mawsleyshire.”

Thank you for listening to me, it helps. :'(

I was struck primarily by the reviewer’s wonderful command of language. And then wondered if the person selecting the quote had the first clue what the word “unctuous” meant.

It’s a glorious word and, as a noun, would happily grace Moss’ board during “Street Countdown“. The sound of it implies juice vaping nirvana while the hidden meaning paints the liquid as a false pretender; all bottle no cap.

Unctuous food is a desirable thing, my dogs will fight over an unctuous bone but unctuous people are odious – I’d insert a list of job types here but you can make your own up. Suffice to say that I believe Michael Gove to be one of the most unctuous individuals on the planet.

I’m not saying that I believe this vape is greasy or smug (I’ve never tried a bottle of it), just that the choice of words can be so important. It put me in mind of the plethora of new bottles springing up left, right and centre. It made me think that fumbling around for an original angle must be pretty tricky these days – how do you explain that your orange or coffee vape is in any way different to the hordes of similar products flooding onto the market? And, by logical extension, how on Earth can you differentiate the metal tube or atomising chamber you might like to produce?

Something that was very popular twelve months ago were the claims made regarding how “hard” a mod hit and references to voltage drops. Vapers grabbed the words and used them with a vengeance for a while. Fortunately this appears to have waned. Numbers have taken over: 20 became 30, which in turn ramped up to triple digits. As someone who has never gone over 15 I can’t see me buying a “Life begins at 50W” t-shirt.

Given, some brands for juice, mods and atomisers hold a well-deserved reputation for product quality. For them there’s no scrambling around to announce that the new line includes adamantium-coated packaging or is manufactured in an atmosphere rich in expensive perfume. They have no need for florid descriptions; the products sell themselves on merit alone.

For the rest, fighting over the middle ground as reputations are built or squandered, it appears to involve reinventing wheels and over-complicating (what should otherwise be) simple designs. Well, that and adding the label “Competition” as if that meant anything other than “we’ll sue you if you dare criticise our tube or we’ve had a drink or something…but anyway we’re going to sue yo ass” and then withdrawing it from sale. The word is now tainted by that episode, everyone using it since has drawn sneers and giggles by the container-load. Words are so important.

I’ve just watched a review for an atomiser that is similar in purpose to the Kayfun – and yet in order to differentiate itself it possesses a relatively complicated wicking process. After two years and countless atomisers I know that the difference in vape quality will be minimal and so I need persuading to get it. I need a compelling visual appeal or a winning collection of sentences. I want someone to paint me a picture of how wonderful my life will become if I add that device to the collection on the desk. I want someone to tell me it’s unctuous.

Or something.

So, if anyone is currently developing a new line and needs inspiration then try this out: “It’s a real loblolly of a liquid, a finer slubberdegullion of a atomiser you won’t find anywhere else online. Buy our mod or forever be thought of as a pilgarlic.”

Have a great weekend, enjoy your vape.

*No Getty images were harmed during the making of this blog post.

You get to wear a hat and wave around an axe without fear of someone calling the police. As another plus, Paul Gascoigne would bring you beer and chicken in a bucket. You don’t have to tie yourself down to a single God either. I like the idea that you could hedge your religious bets. I’d go for one of the sexier ones. If I were going to spend eternity with a god then I’d want it to look more like Demi than Alan Moore.

In fact, the only downside to being a Viking would be the Age of Ragnarok but then that was supposed to happen on the 22nd February according to the IB Times. A world on fire would really interfere with my vaping pleasure – even if it meant I wouldn’t have to faff about preheating my Kanthal.

Luckily for me I didn’t send all my money to Harold Camping both times he predicted The Rapture in 2011. His multiple predictions of an imminent dire future had an advertising campaign and everything. I’d never have been able to buy my Origen V2 dripper had he got my cash because he doesn’t seem all that inclined to return any of it. But then why did he want the money if The Rapture was coming anyway?

So, the world is safe, there’s no asteroid hitting the Earth this week and Hellfire is restricted to those few able to afford one. Well, it all kind of depends on whom you place your trust in.

There was a passing moment when I thought about stockpiling nic and concentrates given the impending EU legislation. I thought about it and then reckoned it would be stupid. Why waste time hoarding juice stocks when the four horsemen are close to trotting into Northamptonshire? It must be true because Sarah Palin said so. In 2008 she laid claim to be of “the final generation” and that she’d see the End Times in her lifetime.

It’s when you hear stuff like that you really wonder whether it’s worth bothering to walk the dogs or cut down on bacon. If she was a bit more precise with a day then at least I’d know whether or not to order some more silica.

I guess it’s the constant barrage of doom from one corner or another that has just got me to the point of giving up with all of it. Take the Llanelli Star this week: “E-cigarette ban would be ‘suicidal’ for industry, says business”. Surely I can’t be the only person getting bored with the constant cycle of people being afraid of ecigarettes while other people let rip with hyperbole?

But then maybe this is it.

Maybe this is how Ragnarok starts? Maybe Palin is correct? Maybe this entropic spiral into daytime TV show mentality and shock headlines is just the beginning of the end. I tell you what though, if it happens before Vapefest I’m going to be more than a bit miffed.

You get to wear a hat and wave around an axe without fear of someone calling the police. As another plus, Paul Gascoigne would bring you beer and chicken in a bucket. You don’t have to tie yourself down to a single God either. I like the idea that you could hedge your religious bets. I’d go for one of the sexier ones. If I were going to spend eternity with a god then I’d want it to look more like Demi than Alan Moore.

In fact, the only downside to being a Viking would be the Age of Ragnarok…but then that was supposed to happen on the 22nd February according to the IB Times. A world on fire would really interfere with my vaping pleasure – even if it meant I wouldn’t have to faff about preheating my Kanthal.

Luckily for me I didn’t send all my money to Harold Camping both times he predicted The Rapture in 2011. His multiple predictions of an imminent dire future had an advertising campaign and everything. I’d never have been able to buy my Origen V2 dripper had he got my cash because he doesn’t seem all that inclined to return any of it. But then why did he want the money if The Rapture was coming anyway?

So, the world is safe, there’s no asteroid hitting the Earth this week and Hellfire is restricted to those few able to afford one. Well, it all kind of depends on whom you place your trust in.

There was a passing moment when I thought about stockpiling nic and concentrates given the impending EU legislation. I thought about it and then reckoned it would be stupid. Why waste time hoarding juice stocks when the four horsemen are close to trotting into Northamptonshire? It must be true because Sarah Palin said so. In 2008 she laid claim to be of “the final generation” and that she’d see the End Times in her lifetime.

It’s when you hear stuff like that you really wonder whether it’s worth bothering to walk the dogs or cut down on bacon. If she was a bit more precise with a day then at least I’d know whether or not to order some more silica.

I guess it’s the constant barrage of doom from one corner or another that has just got me to the point of giving up with all of it. Take the Llanelli Star this week: “E-cigarette ban would be ‘suicidal’ for industry, says business”. Surely I can’t be the only person getting bored with the constant cycle of people being afraid of ecigarettes while other people let rip with hyperbole?

But then maybe this is it.

Maybe this is how Ragnarok starts? Maybe Palin is correct? Maybe this entropic spiral into daytime TV show mentality and shock headlines is just the beginning of the end. I tell you what though, if it happens before Vapefest I’m going to be more than a bit miffed.

The research proposal goes under the title of “Temperature of evaporation, liquid consumption and vapor analysis in realistic conditions” and the crowd-funding page can be found here.

The organising team consists of Phil Busardo and Dimitris Agrafiotis along with Doctor Konstantinos Farsalinos, the well-known researcher and e-Cig advocate.

The research is going to look at how temperature of the vape alters with changes in power supplied to the coil and time spent on each inhale. It is seeking to identify what toxins might be produced in relation to increased vapour temperature, if there is a method of maintaining pleasure but decreasing the temperature and carrying out the very first analysis of all resistance levels & wicking materials.

The testing will be carried out in a laboratory and also using a clinical study, co-opting volunteer vapers to be studied. “This will give us realistic information, avoiding conditions such as dry puffs which are detected by the users but cannot be detected in laboratory conditions.”

What will be of real benefit from the results of this work is that we will have data linking any potentially hazardous chemicals to power and temperature, something of huge importance to everyone who uses our materials. We believe that this is very beneficial so that we can make informed choices in the future.

“The study will allow vapers make informed decisions on how to use the devices.”

Although Doctor Farsalinos is mainly seeking financial support from the vaping industry he is keen that everyone gets involved to spread the word about this responsible approach to self-regulation.

What can I do?

• Use social media to share this page and the crowd-funding page.
• Let politicians and healthcare professionals know about it, if you communicate with them.

Sources

Facebook

Twitter

Website

For sure there’s the 4,000+toxins and buckets full of carcinogens but everything has a good side. Well, apart from wasps and chicory.

Take, for example, the West Nile virus and at this point West Nile virus needs to be added onto the list after chicory. Spread by mosquitos (damn, yet another addition to the list) the disease can develop polio-like symptoms and, finally, acute flaccid paralysis.

Hang on two ticks; I just need to check on my daughter as all summer holiday she has been limp and barely moving so I’m concerned that she has contracted WNV. Crisis over, it appears she has only contracted teenager syndrome.

It’s been found that monoclonal antibodies developed from tobacco and lettuce attacks and neutralises the West Nile virus. In order to prove it works mice were injected with a lethal dose of WNV before being served up a portion of monoclonal antibodies with 90% surviving. Brilliant news if you are a sub-Saharan mouse.

It doesn’t stop there either.

Rabies may have fallen out of the Top 10 Fashionable Diseases but it’s still no laughing matter as, for humans, it’s invariably fatal. It is being reported that genetically altered tobacco plants have delivered monoclonal antibodies that prevent the virus from attaching around nerve endings of the bite wound.

Given, what the researchers don’t say is that you need to carry it around with you and inject yourself shortly before being bitten so you’ll need to plan those rabid dog attacks into your holiday diary. Given the noxious gases emanating from my elder Springer over the last two days I’m pretty close to thinking that contracting rabies from him might be a preferable alternative.

But wait, right at the top of the current news pops is Ebola; a disease so nasty people are worrying they might be able to contract it from public toilets and speaking on the phone to call centres. Mapp Biopharmaceutical Incorporated have been working hard on press releases on behalf of Big T “we’ve got a monoclonal antibody to treat anything” Reynolds American Inc. Mapp claim that these monoclonal antibodies will attach themselves to the Ebola virus an immobilise it.

Oh, now I’m worried my daughter might be an Ebola virus being attacked by monoclonal antibodies.

But here’s the kicker, the final claim being put forward by the champions of tobacco recently is that it will use these monoclonal antibodies to cure cancer by stimulating the body’s immune system to destroy cancerous cells.

All of this science may well be true and not just a tobacco company on a huge publicity drive. If it is, brilliant, it’s great to have the positive spin put on something lambasted for so long. Just as long as no one tries this positive spin out for traffic wardens, Justin Bieber or people who eat with their mouth open.

The messianic scenes held fervour normally reserved for Bible-belt Sunday services, the home end of any football ground and late-Friday night city centre kebab shops.

When it comes to things like this I have form, I am not an early adopter by nature. It wasn’t until the 3GS that I got on board the Apple bus and sucked into the notion we had to replace everything we own that works with something newer that might perform better but probably won’t.

After countless declined opportunities to see The Smiths play I realised I quite enjoyed the music the day after they split, stupidly late adoption. Wicks are proving to be a lot like Morrissey; there was something simple and it just worked. Then it tried to become more profound and resulted in becoming a pain in the neck.

Silica, simple silica.

Back when I had my first genny, an Aga-T2, I became perplexed and vexed with mesh. Silica was such a delight; it worked in my Evods, it worked in the T2, it worked in drippers and when I finally bit the bullet and bought a Svoëfun it damn well worked in there too.

But then stuff began to get silly.

I managed to keep up with a transition from round wire to flat and even managed to work through a learning curve to build microcoils and use cotton but what the flip is going on now? Wire with fancy names is appearing all over the shop and I’m left feeling like a Dad at a teen pop concert.

Not content with cotton there’s now rayon. Rayon? I don’t care if the pleasure vaping with it rivals that of being pleasured by the entire troop of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders – it’s bloody rayon. Rayon is the fabric that destroyed my eyes in the 1970s. My mother, on a saving money tip, made me a pair of garish blue shorts out of the stuff. A pair of shorts that tried harder through their tightness to emasculate me than a van-load of stereotypical militant feminists.

The very last thing I want while vaping is a head full of Chessa Davis and the fear that by vaping I may contract a serious case of flares.

I tried to build a Dragon coil, I’ve watched a video about making a Tiger coil but rayon is just a step too far for me. What is coming next? Muff, that’s what; a cotton-like wick made from the discarded pubic hair of body fascists. But why stop there – we can weave Muff in with asbestos to improve durability and wicking even further so that the vape is so good the cloud transforms into a time portal.

I understand this is The Smiths and the Apple launch all over again. I just can’t get my head around wanting to vape at .00003Ω but I just bet that if they ban vaping then that will be the day I really want to try it.