Equipment is going to get smaller. Do you remember how little 2ml is? It’s tiny and, as men everywhere know, trying to convince someone they’ll be satisfied with a small portion is a non-starter. Heck, when was the last time a fast-food employee asked you if you fancied “going small”?

It’s going to get smaller, more expensive and then vanish – because that’s what happens to small things. Keys, loose change and children under 3yrs-old are all prone to being misplaced. The answer is simple: buy a Stealthvape lathe. We absolutely guarantee that anybody proficient in making their own coil or rewicking already has the full skillset required to manufacture their own mods and atomisers. Honest.

Not only will you have the option to manufacture all of your own kit in your spare bedroom but also you will no longer be stuck with dull materials like steel or brass. We will be stocking Stealthvape Gold bars, Stealthvape Tin and Stealthvape Platinum. Plus, for those with a sense of fun and adventure, we will be stocking Stealthvape Rubidium (excellent entertainment at pool parties) and Stealthvape Uranium (never lose a mod in the dark again).

We have also looked around at types of wire that have no connection to vaping. When the thought police start raiding homes searching for vapers hoarding reels of Ti wire we figured it would be a great idea to begin using something more commonplace – so say hello to Stealthvape Barbwire.

Stealthvape Barbwire is just as good as any other vaping wire on the market but can also be used to security proof your back garden or pen in a load of sheep (something many of our customers have told us they have a problem with). An excellent flavour production is enhanced by the Barbcoil™ ability to retain a wick and prevent it slipping out.

And what about those wicks? We all know that the government plans to ban all forms of cotton wool just to annoy us, well we’ve come up with a true game changer: the Stealthvape Perforated Duvet. It looks just like a normal duvet because it is a normal duvet – but the perforations enable you to tear off handy pieces to be inserted into your atomiser. No need to thank us, we spend all of our free time coming up with ideas like this just to help you.

What about juice? Simple, we’ve created the Stealthvape Natural Eliquid Company branded blender. The average person in the street will think it’s just a normal blender, but it isn’t. It’s a normal blender to be used to turn any food into an eliquid. You won’t have to worry about flavourings passing some kind of pointless certification because you just need to throw in a full Domino’s 12” and add your own nicotine. Mmm, pizza juice. Where does the nicotine come from? Easy, from the new Stealthvape Hydroponic kit. Simply turn that space in the attic (where you currently store old video recorder instruction manuals) into a tobacco farm.

Some might call us mad – but we’re just mad for solutions.

 

 

But protests, he loved protests.

Only yesterday: the two all beef patties, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onion – all served in a sesame seed bun had been served up with a particularly small portion of French fries. It took just 117 seconds for him to eat most of them before returning to the cash till in order to lodge his disapproval.

“They were cold,” he barked at the part-time student, who cared as much for his dilemma as she did for football. Far too many people don’t like football. She stared at him with the dead eyes of someone who doesn’t get paid enough to care. Not only that, thought Ashia, but he hasn’t even finished his sentence. I don’t have a clue is this is a statement or a question – let alone knowing what he wants me to do about it.

That didn’t concern Bob now; yesterday’s problem had been solved by the (yet-to-begin-shaving) manager with a free portion of fries. What concerned him was that his juice was expensive. The thing is, Bob reasoned, is that if he had the recipe, the flavourings, the bottles and anything approaching the motivation to do it, he could make the same thing for a fraction of the price. “The thing is,” he explained in Primark as his wife looked at her seventh skirt, “just because these makers spend months developing a unique flavour they reckon they can charge me a fortune.”

“Just because they invest tens of thousands of pounds in premises, insurance, equipment, stock, packaging and delivery they think I should have to pay for it – it’s not right,” he continued to the empty space that used to contain a wife and an armful of garments.

Jane and Bob shared many things but listening to each other wasn’t one of them. They coexisted in a special plane, each aware of the presence of the other – but they’d taught themselves a long time ago that the secret to a successful marriage was to pay absolutely no attention to what the other was saying, thinking or doing.

And as Bob continued talking to the curtain in front of the changing cubicle he decided enough was enough. These vape companies deserved everything coming to them and, mindful of the supporters’ protest on television foremost in his mind, he knew just what to do.

Jane didn’t even know he had gone. She’d paid for two tops, had a coffee in Costa and was currently looking at a range of bath products you ought to be able to eat. Bob wasn’t there. Bob had seen the big walkout by Liverpool fans. Bob was inspired.

Jamie touched his left ear, fidgeting with the black plastic stretching his ear lobe. Jamie was poking the ear stretcher his Mum liked to call stupid. She used other words to describe it but most of them are not printable here. Jamie had taught himself a long time ago that the secret to a successful home life was to pay absolutely no attention to what his Mum was said, thought or did. He’d worked in the vape shop for all of three weeks and he didn’t get paid enough to care about Bob’s protest.

• Step one: The fans had bought their tickets – so Bob bought a bottle of his favourite juice.
• Step two: The fans had walked out of the stadium in protest – so Bob left the shop.
• Step three: The club had capitulated after the demonstration was shown on television – Bob went home to wait for the phone call.

But Bob couldn’t check the television coverage of his protest because Jane was watching a sweary chef. Bob is still waiting for the juice manufacturer to call.

 

 

 

You will feel like it’s an ohm from ohm at our luxurious five-coil retreat. Journey with us to explore an underlying natural order to things, a path of enlightenment culminating with the revelation of the perfect vape, the Tao of vaping.

It is a path you have already been walking down whether you were conscious of it or not. As a smoker you simply made do. Perhaps that first drag in the morning was good for you, perhaps it cleared the pipes or hit the spot, but from thereon in, throughout the day, it was downhill and habit. You didn’t poke your fag with things; you didn’t steep boxes of two hundred in cupboards.

Young padawan, you were destined to join us at the Stealthvape Tao of Vaping residential weekend resort, you just didn’t know you were an devotee chasing a dragon.

Many a shaman will tell you is that the one ‘true’ way is the path of the genisis; everything we know about spirituality we learnt from David Carradine on television. The toughest route is always the correct one, and the path of most resistance is situated by the bubbling Pool of Curses.

The route is long and arduous, and one we insist you complete barefoot. It is covered in small rocks, shards of glass and bricks of discarded Lego. Not much fun when you are a devil-may-care, bare-footed e-cig adventurer kicking it Shaolin style.

But you will emerge as a spirit on a higher plane. After several hours attempting to make the atomiser work you will find yourself spent of negative energy – as it leaves your body to be absorbed by the pool.

Now you are ready for progression to the Zen Room of Coils. Empty your mind (like you emptied your wallet to attend this course), as you focus on the wire in front of you. Can a one-handed vaper clap in the Forest of Dean if no one is around to hear? It’s irrelevant questions to life like this that will not trouble you, as we won’t be asking them.

We will focus on the larger things: If you cut your hand on a sheet of mesh and no one is around to see does it still hurt? If a butterfly flaps its wings will rid a hotspot? By teatime on the second day you will have balanced your yings with your yangs, and emerge back into the car park in your complimentary Stealthvape Tao of Vaping Yogi clothes.

 

 

It’s because fashion is a fickle dominatrix; one minute she’s poking you with something pokey to make you wear a puffa jacket, then she’s whipping you into buying an iPod. Unless you buy in (and continue buying in), before you know it, you become a perm in crocks and a turquoise shell suit.

At some point, for reasons historians will debate long over, the mullet ceased to be a good look. Men, who last week leered at their reflections and considered them to be the depiction of everything desirable, suddenly had the rear locks cropped. There was a point, you’ll remember, when the must-have mod was the Roller. Then it wasn’t.

As cowboy TV shows gave way to those about aliens, which in turn became a bunch of vapid celebrities in a jungle, so too did the trend in mech mods shift to Paps then, in turn, to a host of Nemesises. Umm, Nemesii. Err, more than one Nemesis.

But where have they gone?

Before the Age of Box, be it original or clone, tables groaned under the weight of metal tubes. Forums filled with pictures demonstrating that vapers bought into the adage of always having a spare for the spare – to the extent that mech mods stretched across the frame.

Comic collections fit in boxes, guitars get mounted onto walls like mooseheads, what has happened to all of the stainless steel and brass? Where are all the GGs? And the tons of Taifuns? And somewhere, who knows where, lurk a fair few million Kayfun.

The sheds and attics of the nation have been plundered of their tat. It’s all been relabelled “vintage” and stuck up for sale again, for three times what it originally cost, to people with beards and single-speed bicycles. Where is the previously loved mod shop?  Where is AntiqueAtty.com?

Somewhere abouts there is the sum total production from Greece, America, Britain and the Philippines – not to mention all of the original and hooky equipment from China. Are the houses of the nation full of collections and moaning spouses? Is it all on display with pride or stored away with embarrassment?

And the hundreds upon hundreds of pounds? Is this money thought of as wisely spent or does it rank up there with the time you bought a singing fish?

 

What benefits does this offer modders and vapers? The board is designed as an upgrade for the DNA 200 and consequently can be used as a drop-in replacement or as the heartbeat of a higher-powered mod. Back to back size comparisons can be seen below, the DNA 250 is on the right of both images. 

It uses a 2 or 3-cell Li-Po series voltage input. Obviously, as the name indicates, power output is raised from 200 watts to 250 watts. Another step forward is the improvement of 2 amps charging through a micro-USB port. Reduced charging times will lead to less time on the desk and more time in use.

With a 55 amps continuous the fuse has been revised to ensure safety. This is accompanied with the standard reverse polarity protection. Mounting points remain the same, along with screen/button/USB positions, enabling a simple upgrade from the DNA 200 board devices.

The board will deliver an improved vaping experience with stainless steel coils through a developed temperature control system. This upgrade is also available for the DNA 200 as a firmware update.

Other features include:

Temperature protection: vapour production will be maximised through coil monitoring. Toxin production resulting from high temperatures and dry burns is combatted as a result.

·      Pre-heating: additional watts are supplied to the coil in order to reach the working temperature as quickly as possible.

·      New atomiser/coil warning: the board identifies a change and allows setting adjustment to be made.

·      OLED screen: same size as the DNA 200 and replaceable.

·      Informative display – wattage, voltage, temperature, resistance, remaining charge, room temperature, coil material, energy of the most recent puff, puff duration, board temperature and puff count.

Finally, the board can be used with Evolv’s Escribe software. A video on how to use Escribe can be found here. An interactive training course from Evolv can be found here.

 

House of Commons

Wednesday 16 March 2016

PRIME MINISTER

The Prime Minister was asked””

Engagements

Peter Xenophobe (Wellingborough Far Right) (Con): If he will list his official engagements for Wednesday 16 March.

The Primecut Minister (Mr David Hameron): This morning, I had a pig served on a solid silver platter, played Donkey Kong on my office computer, held meetings with a secret society, and in addition to my duties in this House I shall be going to the toilet later today.

Peter Xenophobe: He will be aware that my honourable Friends selflessly serving on the board of British American Tobacco have warned that their prospects of buying more duck houses have been placed in extreme jeopardy due to the ridiculous edicts coming from Yurp. Does he not agree with me that Britain’s (and our) best interests would be served by pulling out…

Honourable members: Ha, pulling out, something your father should have done, etc. Moo! Moooo!

Mr. Speaker (sponsored by Accurist): Order! Order! The honourable Gentleman is correct will be allowed to finish his question.

Peter Xenophobe: Thank you Mr. Speaker. Does he not agree with me that Britain’s (and our) best interests would be best served by pulling out of Yurp and giving British American Tobacco five hundred million pounds?

The Primecut Minister: My honourable Friend is correct in his assumption that everything we do as a party has been brilliant and I would draw the attention of the House to this wonderful picture George drew of a poor person cleaning his polo stick.

Honourable members: Oink, oink! Bark! Meow! Mooo! Oink! Guffaw!

Mr. Speaker: Order! Order! I will have order! Mr. Jeremy Trotsky…

Honourable members: Does yo Momma dress you like that? Did you borrow that suit from Wurzel Gummage? Has Stephen Fry ever introduced you at an awards ceremony? Quack! Quack!

Jeremy Trotsky (Moscow South) (Lab): My first question comes from a Mrs. Josie GlaxoSmithKline who would like to know…

Honourable members: Agadoo do do! Push pineapple shake the tree! The taste of your lips, I’m on a ride. You’re toxic I’m slippin’ under! Arf! Arf!

Mr. Speaker: Order! You guttersnipes will not prevent the member from Moscow South from making himself heard. He will be heard or I will send you all to Miss Spanky’s Bottom Shop in Earls Court for a sound disciplining. Mr. Trotsky…

Jeremy Trotsky: Thank you Mr. Speaker and thank you to Mrs. GlaxoSmithKline – who would like to know why the government is doing everything it can to help tobacco companies sell evil electronic cigarettes that cause migraines and sow the seeds for civil unrest and not help little British pharmaceutical companies make bigger profits?

The Primecut Minister: Clearly the honourable Gentleman is unaware of the billions of pounds we gave to arms manufacturers last year. This money will trickle down to pharmaceutical companies the minute ordnance is released from two miles up, onto the North of England. It’s almost like he doesn’t want the resulting wounded and dying to receive pain relief. For shame, Mr. Speaker! For shame!

Honourable members: Ra! Ra! Ra! For he’s a jolly good fellow! My old man’s a dustman, he wears a Commie hat! Boo yar sucks!

Mr. Speaker: Order! ORDER! None of you batty-fangs will collie shangle proceedings with your nanty narking. This is a serious process that the world looks up to as a model of perfect democracy. Mr. Kenneth Cigar…

Ken Cigar (Non-executive Chairman West) (Con): Does my honourable Friend agree with me that by supporting the inferior e-cig and not the advanced vaping products we are proving that we care about equality and fairness?

The Primecut Minister: Indeed. And in reply I would like to state that the Leader of the Opposition has all the appearance of a fart in a Happy Shopper carry bag who can’t sing.

Mr. Speaker: Order. Mrs. Diane Hackney…

Diane Hackey (Pfizer East) (Lab): Hackney hackney hackney. Hackney hackney. Hackney hackney hackney hackney hackney hackney hackney. Hackney?

Honourable members: Neigh! Whiney! Yelp! Felch! Barf! Yuk yuk yuk!

Mr. Speaker: *sigh*

The Primecut Minister: Hands up everybody who likes me!

Mr. Speaker: Order! I order everyone to order in the subsidised bar.

Honourable members: Huzzah! Nosh! Nosh! Slurp! *backslap* Burp

 

 

While a section of vapers have been seeking out bigger clouds and more flavourful vapes, an insidious and dangerous product has crept into the world of sub-ohm vaping: it goes by the name of the snapback hat.

“I was trying to be a cooler vaper. I tried adding an over-sized hoodie to my vaping, and even experimented with different types of shoes but they weren’t me. Then I settled on the hat. I left the sticker on like all the hip kids and reckoned I looked the bits, but my wife has informed me I resemble a fat 15-yr old white boy who thinks he lives in Downtown LA,” confessed Twitter vape celebrity Bobby Freshwaterdolphin.

But the problem goes beyond the danger of fashion suicide. Bob Jobsworth of Crawley Trading Standards explained: “Seventeen children have been injured so far this year as peaks of snapback hats caught them in the eye. Three individuals have presented at A&E with blood blisters resulting from firm adjuster straps – who is taking responsibility for this?”

Who indeed? No one according to leading market research pollsters EUgov.con. But Jobsworth demands questions should be posed: “There are no warnings, no instructions or safety courses for these things and research shows there’s at least two hundred of them out there. This is a ticking bomb just waiting to go off.”

It can only be a matter of time before the media launch a mass of ecig/snapback stories to further tarnish the cause of harm reduction. Tales such as the serious injuries sustained by Bert Handkerchief who, while completing a run of all the pub’s white spirit optics, placed his MCV Tiger Panzer mod on the bar and ate his cap after his mates told him: “it would be a laugh.”

“Obviously, this isn’t an issue for owners of products made by the big brands, it is only a concern for those hats manufactured in China,” added Jobsworth. “Our advice for snapback hat users everywhere is to look at the label in the first instance; if there’s any indication it was made in the Far East we suggest calling you local Trading Standards officer and asking them to safely dispose of it.”

We called the Trading Standards office in Thurrock to discover if this danger was recognised elsewhere. They confirmed that an emergency response agency has been set up and all snapback-related calls would be prioritised. If you know of anybody needing urgent assistance please make sure that the hat is placed into a sealed container in the first instance prior to calling for help.

 

 

“Hey Stealthvape,” say the messages. We read them with interest even though we’d be more interested in completing online quizzes to discover which kind of plankton or Coronation Street character we are. “Hey Stealthvape, I’m really into saving the planet and things so when are you going to get with it and help me save it too?”

Now, that’s when. Of course, if you wanted to be pedantic, and we’re going to be, we’ve been saving it for a while. We’ve collected lots of grass in the garden, there are several jars of preserved air on the shelves and the recycling of unwashed socks has been taken to another level. But it has been our long-held aim to take this expertise and apply it to vape equipment.

First, we gave you wire. Then we introduced many types of wire. So it seems only appropriate that our new CFC-free wire is the first down the catwalk of celebration. How many other kanthal-type wire providers currently provide their products listed as free from chlorofluorocarbons? We’re willing to bet none. Until now. Saving the ozone layer will never have been so much fun.

It’s not just the kanthal-type products benefitting from this cleaner, greener approach to the environment. All of our wire products now come with a 100% guarantee that none of them have been factory farmed. We insist that all of our suppliers provide us with a certificate of conformity, confirming that the reels have been cosseted in beds of luxury from when they were but tiny slivers of metal and fed nothing but the juiciest natural oil

If our reels of wire were animals they would be little baby lambs, frolicking in sunny meadows, handfed from milk bottles by smiling shepherdesses and watched over by a friendly, cuddly dog.

Next up, the new range of atomiser tanks made with greenhouse effect glass. Just like real greenhouses, the glass absorbs energy and thereby reduces the need for so much of it to be supplied by the battery. This is real science in action. Less energy being required from the cell means less wasted energy hanging around bus shelters and destroying our communities.

The organic atomisers come with a range of optional extras to convert various types of energy into something useable. There is the motion-sensor attachment so you can use your own wave energy, shake your hand at the mod and the coil will preheat. Stick the windmill attachment on the side for vaping on cliff tops or near politicians. We’ve thought of everything.

And say hello to the new range of cruelty-free wicks. We have put a block on any of our cotton or silica coming to us from back street abattoirs – and have also insisted that none of it is tested on puppy dogs.

Finally, as a company known for taking the technological lead in this industry, we are putting the finishing touches to the greatest, safest and cleanest advance known to vape-kind. Our Atomic Hybrid mod will set new standards in device safety. Just imagine, only a couple of years ago nobody would have considered putting a 5kW nuclear reactor just centimetres away from their mouth. No need to thank us, it’s just what we do.

 

 

Lord Callanan is currently in discussion to find out whether it would be possible to gain support for the other motion he has tabled, where the Lords would express “regret” that the Tobacco Products Directive will limit product choice, advertising, ignore latest evidence and potentially drive vapers back to smoking.

If you want to look for someone to blame then Ash UK have to shoulder their fair share of it. Reading through the response that Labour’s shadow health minister has sent out, it is like Deborah Arnott herself wrote it. For some reason Ash, Labour and the Lib Dems do not see it as a problem that nicotine strength is being limited.

Labour’s position is encapsulated by this statement about 10ml limits: “it is important to note that the prohibition of container size to 10ml only comes into force on 20 May 2017, which allows ample time for manufacturers to make the better quality e-liquids available within the legal size limit.” As if the size of a container has anything to do with eliquid quality?

Stealthvape Towers is now a collection of sad pandas, sat around in their pants looking distinctly grumpy.

It is inevitable that we will receive messages asking us how we suggest responding to this situation. We believe that the case for adopting a common sense approach to harm reduction and vaping has to continue to be presented to politicians. As they campaign for the referendum, an ideal opportunity presents itself to collar them and bend their ears.

Regarding the vote: We are making no suggestions as to which way you should vote in the referendum. We believe it is a personal decision and many factors may influence how you do it.

Moving forward, we will continue to press upon our local elected officials the case for a better way of dealing with vaping products.

 

 

Social media can be a tool for good. The platforms available to us enable the fast transference of information and allow interactions with all manner of people. We are connected with and chat to powerful people. For example, we are now online friends with the Queen, Donald Trump, Putin, ISIS and Kim Jong-Un – which pretty much places the future of the world in our hands.

You can say what you like about Kim Jong-Un but he has never clogged up a timeline with details about his new personal best. Not once has he posted details of his latest run, pictures of him running and told everybody he’s never met how he is really in need of a hot bath to get rid of the post-run aches.

Kim Jong-Un might have created Pyongyang Time. He might be responsible for making all males in North Korea adopt his hairstyle and only have 3% of the roads paved – but he’s never inflicted his exercise hobby on anybody reading his Facebook profile.

So, we feel it is time for an entrepreneur to give vapers the same joy as those who ride about in yellow lycra. Of course, it is possible that vapers could don spandex outfits prior to competition vaping but this loses all meaning if nobody sees it – a bit like having a television show on Amazon Prime.

What we need is the vaping equivalent of Nike’s switched-on shoes so that vapers can amble about drawing highly inventive maps on Google Earth. What we need is something like Smok’s puff counter talking to Facebook on a second by second basis. Tell us all how many calories you lost this morning will you? Right, it’s war. Here’s how many drags I’ve taken this week and it’s going to be incrementally adjusted in real-time.

Nike build their brand loyalty on people buying their apps and products, but then using the app to draw people into tournaments and events like night runs. Vaping can do the same thing with midnight vapes to take the community up a level.

Of course this could have ramifications: once Martin McKee’s anti-vape squads start kicking in doors (because people have broken the Stop Safer Use of Nicotine Act 2019) then having an app that details your exact location could be problematic. But it would also track the speed at which you are running away from them, posting it onto your timeline and getting your freaky exercise friends interested in ecigs for the first time.

On second thoughts, maybe this kind of thing should be kept to places like North Korea, we’ll tweet Kim about it.