Here follows an appeal on behalf of the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party.

The problem with modern politics, it seems, is that the major parties all seem to be in it for themselves. This isn’t the problem, it’s that they pretend to have your best interests at heart. This isn’t the case for the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party, we think that it’s in your best interests that we don’t pretend to care about your best interests. While this may seem harsh, stick with it as you’ll probably discover that our selfish interests coincide with yours.

Firstly, let’s be very clear, it’s the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party’s ambition to do away with government, turn the Houses of Parliament into a 24hr car park and set up a base of operations in a flat above Greggs in Hull instead. This restructuring will speed up decision making, make the law making process more open and generate huge savings to the public purse.

These savings can be passed on to you, the taxpayer: each MP currently earns £74,000. On top of that they can earn a supplementary salary of between £15,025 and £74,990 depending how they spend their day in parliament. Plus they all get extensive allowances and expenses for kitting out second homes, employing someone to have an affair with and go on fact-finding tours of expensive holiday destinations. Voting for the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party could put well over £100-million back into your pockets. Literally. We think it will be easier to do a draw on TV rather than go about rejigging tax laws. We’ll get that Tucker Jenkins from Eastenders to do it, you don’t see him about much these days so that’s one extra job created.

Modern party politics has a number of fundamental flaws: Firstly, they don’t relate to real people or what they go through. Only last week, the Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party secretary struggled to source our usual supply of caviar and this made us think of you poor people being unable to find any houmous. The Stealthvape Benevolent Dictator Party stands shoulder to shoulder with you in your suffering – or we would if you were in our banqueting suite also enjoying some roast swan.

Secondly, none of the other parties appreciate what it means to be a party – we do. If a political party doesn’t mean cake, jelly and ice cream in the minds of the public then it’s not surprising they garner few votes. The first law of the new Benevolent Dictator authority will be to instruct supermarkets to make party food free on the last Friday of every month.

Also, we are aware of the current issues that matter. For example, did you know that home taping is killing music? The country needs protecting from Ed Sheeran so we will be sending C90 cassettes out to every household.

What about health? NHS cutbacks have meant that hospitals can no longer afford expensive stitching due to the constraints on time. They now rely on unqualified assistants to gift-wrap patients. It’s a shocking state of affairs and one that we will stop immediately. We will cut a special price on silica wick for the NHS to use instead.

In place of bans on vaping in public places we’ll have a ban on the use of beginning sentences with “I’m sorry, but ” and “I know, but I was just ”. Instantly, this will solve the problems of people not doing what you’ve asked them to do. Teenagers – we’re looking at you here.

Most importantly, the thing that will matter to practically everybody the most, we promise no more elections or votes ever. That has to be worth voting for.

Ireland spends over €240-million each year on smoking-related diseases, and €40-million on smoking quit products, programs and prevention campaigns. Anybody with half a brain might correctly believe that a product that offered both cost savings to the government and health benefits to the consumer would be a great thing. HIQA don’t think so, despite previous findings and statements.

The recent “Healthy Ireland” report revealed that the country struggles with a higher rate of smoking than the UK, 23% of the population are current smokers but only 6% of smokers have transitioned to vaping. Rather than looking at findings across the water and encouraging more smokers to adopt a harm reduction approach, HIQA are suggesting that Irish smokers should not rely on electronic cigarettes to quit.

Worse, HIQA has asked the Minister for Health to invest more money in traditional (failing) nicotine replacement therapies for the 820,000 Irish smokers while suggesting giving a wide berth to a technology that actually works. To make matters more ridiculous, HIQA previously admitted that promoting vaping to achieve the levels found in England would lead a drop of around 40% in NRT prescriptions – and therefore costs.

Our own Stealthvape Survey, conducted in September last year, revealed the kind of responses that shames those responsible for public health in Ireland. Overwhelmingly, those of you who were kind enough to take part informed us that you were long-term smokers, you’d struggled with previous methods and techniques – but it was through vaping that you found success and escaped the grip of tobacco cigarettes.

The message of efficacy comes through loud and clear to those reading the Cochrane Review or the report produced by the Royal College of Physicians. Meanwhile, as they wait to reproduce tests and studies, Ireland continues to admit 28,000 people to hospital each year for smoking-related diseases while one in five deaths are due to smoking tobacco.

Speaking for HIQA, Doctor Máirín Ryan said: “There is not enough evidence to reliably demonstrate the effectiveness of electronic cigarettes in helping smokers quit.” She then went on to speak about the benefits of Big Pharma’s Varenicline and nicotine patches. Next she began to talk about the dangers posed by vaping “renormalising” smoking and “it could lead to an increased uptake among people who have never smoked, or later migration to tobacco cigarettes.”

Is it possible Ryan has existed in a bubble for the last three years as the boom in vape studies has taken place? Is it possible she has missed out on all the evidence disproving the existence of a gateway effect or renormalisation? At the very least, could she provide a jot of evidence to support her claim given that vaping has been a major activity for ten years.

Even the Irish Cancer Society said: “There is no long-term evidence as to the safety of these products, and there is emerging, but as of yet limited, evidence that for adolescents e-cigarettes may act as a ‘gateway’ to tobacco usage, especially among those in their late teens who otherwise, according to research, did not intend to smoke tobacco.”

Given the positive support for vaping and harm reduction on this side of the Irish Sea, it’s a total nonsense that HIQA and the Irish government has taken none of it on board. For the sake of Irish smokers and vapers, we hope they pull their finger out soon.

If you missed it, the Stealthvape Survey results are summarised on this page.

It’s understandable. When you are known as the leading vape market solution provider, vapers inevitably want help sorting out their personal lives too. We found that by plugging our customer database into the Oscillation Overthruster, and popping them both into the Tesla Pack, we obtained a comprehensive breakdown of 2017 for each astrological sign.

Some of you may wish to take advantage of the individual readings available via email. We believe our rates are exceptionally competitive when put up against other vape supply company prognostication services.

Aries

As an Aries, you are probably the most attractive and intelligent of all vapers. If there is one thing the Stealthvape Horrorscope is certain of, and it is exceptionally certain, 2017 is going to be absolutely awesome. The first part of the year appears to be showered in respect, which goes on to become love and wealth by autumn. Don’t change anything; you’re perfect as you are.

Taurus

You see those 18650s over there? Those ones that have a lifespan of seven button presses on the mod but you don’t want to throw away? Err, recycle. Get them out of the house. The Stealthvape Horrorscope says that an early June BBQ will end in tears if you forget to buy strawberries for the Pimms.

Gemini

Unfortunately you will spend a fair amount of time in casualty. It’s not your fault; you just seem to have one of those faces. The only thing you can do in an attempt to overcome this is do all your shopping online – and answer the door in a ski mask. To be frank, we’re amazed you have managed so well up till 2017. Your lucky stone is the one coming through your lounge window that misses you.

Cancer

In 2017, the power of the Stealthvape Horrorscope compels you to spend all you have on box mods. All that stuff your family thinks is important, but you don’t like – eBay the lot of it for more box mods. They may think you’re crazy now, but just wait to see the look on their faces in November when they see the method to your madness.

Leo

Don’t be frightened now, no matter how scary stuff seems, it’s just going to get worse. Separating fact from fiction was never easy for you, but this year is really going to turn the dial to elephant. Even words might cat as though lifting nonsense Ω≈≈Ωß.

Virgo

The challenge of using just one coil and wick for the whole year might seem a daunting task but it’s one you are amply endowed to achieve. There aren’t many people who can go to Vapefest and leave with the exact amount of money they arrived with. Ignore those who laugh at you, even though the cacophonous noise they make is deafening.

Libra

Is it that time already? Great things go really quickly when you’re having fun. Like Einstein pointed out while leaching over a young woman. This year will simply fly by. Recovering from a coma is like that.

Scorpio

No. Put it down. Walk out the door, lock it, dispose of the key and catch a bus to somewhere far, far away. Welcome to your new like making artisan eliquid in the Hebrides. Yes, it’s going to be a bit squashed with you all there – but it’s better than what was about no, we can’t, it’s just too horrific to describe.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians need to open a vape store in Bristol – either a store each or one big shop between you. This is going to be something you have to sort out amongst yourselves. Everything will be brilliant if you get it correct, regrettably not if you get the wrong solution. Not everything is set in stone, the future is like sand: Sometimes you pick up a handful and it was disguising a coiled brown dog present.

Capricorn

Make-up, wigs, and plastic surgery figure heavily in your 2017 stars. You will develop a passionate attachment to vapes with a hint of mango. All of this adds up to an exciting December as you avoid arrest by relocating to a tropical country.

Aquarius

Oh dear, did you have to say that? OK, you haven’t said it yet – but it’s inevitable. It’s written, see. Unlike stuff that happens for Sagittarians, your future is a concrete cast of a future shoe print. Best you get used to vaping alone.

Pisces

Pisces tend to hold down repetitive and boring roles in life, which means they know better than most what will happen tomorrow. This is an advantage if you work in telesales, as a traffic warden or in customer service: phone in sick for the year. Although “It’s in my stars” isn’t accepted as a medical certificate by most companies it may be worth asking your human resources department.

*Stealthvape accepts no responsibility for loss, injury or death resulting from the Stealthvape Horrorscope.

Of course, when giving up smoking was the big annual pledge – and it’s the one we all nailed – it begins to get a touch more difficult to conjure up something that anybody would see as challenging or worthwhile. Particularly if you plan on doing something that seems to be all the rage – getting people to give you money for doing something you were planning on doing anyway. Only the incapacitated would stump up sponsorship for a vaper resolving to do nothing but vape menthol orange all January.

Is there a person you share the house with that would appreciate you buying fewer bits of kit? Saving that cash for a weekend trip to Hull to see the Museum of Discarded Soiled Packaging? There’s a resolution idea right there: become an absolute intolerable moron. You probably won’t even need to keep it up for much beyond the start of February. Pretty soon your loved ones will be begging you to spend more money – and therefore time away from them – on growing your vape collection.

Underhand? Possibly, so maybe you’re one of those people who would prefer something less Machiavellian. How about focussing on juices? You might be one of those folks who protest: “I’m never paying that price for a liquid! I could feed a family of ducks for months on the money and make that myself for 30p.”

Trying an expensive juice could be the resolution to add some spice to your life. Fair enough, we understand that whenever your partner fancies going out for a meal you make fish finger sandwiches and pocket the cash you would have spent – but this is only going to be a couple of quid and might bring a smile to your face.

Or how about going in the opposite direction? The sheer range of liquid available to us isn’t going to be here forever as the TPD hits, so why not have a pop at some of the 99p budget liquids? You never know, there might be something that actually tickles your fancy out there.

Then there’s always the old favourite of learning to DIY juice. Nothing matches the sense of achievement of having made something yourself (aside from getting other people to make it for you properly while you watch TV). Sure, it doesn’t work very well nine times out of ten, and it tastes of socks. There’s the next resolution: learn to DIY better. You never know, this might be a good skill to have when bottles shrink and prices expand.

Lastly, add ‘try to make a fancy coil‘ onto the list of things you might like to achieve in the coming year. There’s bound to be at least one rainy day when you don’t fancy going anywhere. If you need the wire to make them, we’ve got it. Plus, if you fancy cheating, why not buy some of our premade coils to impress your friends and relations.

Vape Suit

Provides two stages of protection. Firstly, it minimises the impact of your own stupidity on yourself  – and then it protects you from the stupidity of others. The power supply is isolated from atomiser leaks and placed into a lead-lined unit located on one of your more disposable limbs. The chance of the unit going full thermal runaway is nil thanks to the control panel and the suit’s internal retarding system (*although there is the slight chance suffocation may occur).

Plus, if you are one of those vapers who likes going to vape events but you worry about other’s inability to know the difference between volts and amps, the suit has full Milspec explosion protection. Johnny Puffalot‘s mod becomes an impromptu pipe bomb at Vapefest? Stand and laugh in your SV Vape Suit while shards of hot mod shrapnel rip through the air.

Safe storage containers

Only Stealthvape can now offer you a triple lock of protection for your lithium-ion storage solutions. Step one: don’t inhale or ingest your batteries, but place them into a little plastic box and post them to Stealthvape. Step two: each plastic box is safely tucked away inside a lead box, which is then padlocked. Step three: the lead boxes and immersed into concrete inside barrels and buried at a secret location only we know about.

Some narrow-minded people have voiced their concerns that once Stealthvape takes over the safe handling of their batteries they’ll no longer be able to use them for vaping. To them, we say: “think ‘safety’.”

Further solutions

Maybe you have a friend who would like to quit smoking but isn’t the kind of person you’d trust with a pair of scissors? You’d like to give them a starter kit, yet fear for those they live with. This is the kind of soul we designed our Stealthvape Dummy Batteries for – made of 100% rubber, you can relax that the only risk they run is having to present themselves at Casualty (claiming they accidentally fell on one while cleaning the house in the nude).

We also plan to release a series of sealed atomisers. Each atty comes with a different coloured liquid, but no heating coil or wick. We see this product as the equivalent of fake glasses – it will make the owner look cool without presenting any safety problems.

Measures being adopted and offered up by us do not end the problem of vaping safety; it calls for governmental action too. We are demanding that the new government immediately adopts our suggestions that all vape stores are placed on floating pontoons, surrounded by sea mines, one mile out in the English Channel.

Only one company cares enough about you to produce solutions like these. It’s a safer future with Stealthvape.

“Bad News for People Using E-Cigs,” runs the headline penned by the mighty Frank Milhorn. What do you mean you’ve never heard of Frank? It’s Frank bloody Milhorn, author of such giants in the literary world as “Signs of recovery in the bingo market“, “The annual shed of the year competition“, and “Ghosts are swimming in water“. See? We knew you had heard of Frank.

Frank knows everything, and if he says there’s bad news for ecig users then you can be certain he’s correct, he never makes a mistake. He begins: “It has been reported that E-Cigarettes, commonly called Vapers…” Oh. Never mind, everybody can make a mistake, let’s continue.

“It has been reported that E-Cigarettes, commonly called Vapers, actually contain more cancer causing substances than traditional cigarettes, including increased levels of carbon monoxide and various other chemicals which are unstable organic compounds.”

Hmm. This doesn’t run true, Frank. Are you sure? Increased levels of carbon monoxide – coming from a product that isn’t combusting? Maybe things will pick up in the second sentence.

“It is also revealed that these vaping devices can contain over 80% more nicotine than a traditional cigarette, meaning you are taking in far more of the poisonous chemical every time you puff.”

Frank, Frank, Frank. Maybe it was the Californian equivalent of a boozy Bank Holiday, maybe you started writing your article shortly after suffering a major head trauma, but you’ve cornered the market in some funky alternative facts here.

“E-Cigs use nicotine laced liquid, which creates a vapour which contains the same kind of chemicals a normal cigarette does.”

Hold on there, the same kind of chemicals? I thought you’d just said there were more chemicals? It’s hard to keep up because you’re flying through this so quickly (what with you being the expert). Can you explain clearly what the main problem might be?

“There is an argument saying that people will ‘smoke’ more using these devices, for unlike the traditional cigarette, where you smoke it down, and you have a visual that stimulates the brain letting it know you’ve had a cigarette, these don’t shrink in size, and many people are using them as a type of pacifier.”

That’s handy to know, and gives us a great idea for a new Stealthvape vaping product: the Stealthvape shrinking mod that gets small the longer you use it; it’ll be a surefire winner, everybody will want one. Well, they will as long as they haven’t read Frank’s article and been convinced by the power of his words.

“Though we know that smoking is bad for you, it is said by experts that these electronic cigarettes will never be as safe as smoking a conventional cigarette. If you are one of the many people who have been considering giving up smoking and have considered using an e-cig as the way to help wean you off your smoking addiction, then maybe it is time for you to think again!”

We salute you, Frank – you have managed to construct the single worst piece of writing on the subject of vaping we’ve ever seen. His work can be read on the Democrat Gazette in all its glory, if you’d like to leave a complementary message.

The mood music surrounding vaping has changed over the years. Once upon a time vaping was like an independent, free, underground club scene. We danced to our own beats and stayed up way past bedtime. We were the cutting edge of harm reduction; we were so cool it hurt. We were the Marc Bolan to the establishment’s anti-smoking beribboned, roadside sycamore tree. It would only be so long until they tried to end us.

The Tobacco Products Directive is slowly beginning to become a day-to-day reality for a number of people in the UK. Across the channel, other vapers are discovering that 2017 is not quite what 2014 promised. The Czech republic is driving through a series of measures that includes bans and restrictions. The Prague Monitor points out that the benefit is that everything will be more expensive: “The binding directive is advantageous because it will bar suspiciously cheap and low-quality products from China, where there is no guarantee, from entering the market“. Yes, like a twist on the Marks & Spencer slogan: it’s not just cheap – it’s suspiciously cheap!

The Labour Party in Wales tried to force through measures to ban vapers from doing something relatively harmless to others anywhere they could be seen. Like we were all sucking on a portable breast in public, puritanical health experts and politicians wanted to lock us away in special toilets. Well, maybe not toilets. Maybe a restructured dungeon in Harlech castle. Or something.

To what extent is it our fault that people began to try to shut us away and take away our toys? Were we too young and beautiful, did we make Martin McKee gaze into his mirror and gently weep? Were we simply shining too brightly?

Or was it the people who thought it was perfectly acceptable to go around vaping in supermarkets? Standing next to the meat counter, asking for *half a pound of brisket, and exhaling a menthol cherry cloud? *(For those still struggling with imperial-metric measures, half a pound equals 0.76 litres)

Does vaping etiquette even matter any longer? For a while it was one of the great debating points on ecig forums – but since the advent of the “We get it, you vape Bro!” memes it’s like we are as cool as Piers Morgan at an Under-18s disco.

So, as we look to the future, if vaping poses 95% less risk than that delivered by cigarette smoking, then the danger posed by second-hand vape is less than the chance of, err, Piers Morgan (again, it’s an open goal) being liked by anybody. But, even if we escape a clampdown on public places we still have venues to contend with. Individual places still restrict vaping for no other reason than it looks like smoking. Vaping will be banned in areas surrounding Japan 2020:”The Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry is considering measures against passive smoking for the 2020 Tokyo Olympic and Paralympic Games. The International Olympic Committee and the World Health Organization agreed in 2010 to realize ‘tobacco-free Games’.”

So, maybe a better question than where do you do it is where will you still be able to vape yours?

The thing is: words change. Meanings, over the course of time, ebb and flow. One minute the words ‘bollocks’ describes a group of medieval vicars, the next it’s on the cover of a young beat combo’s LP. What? You don’t know what an LP is? What do they teach people at school these days? All flower arrangements and how to ask how everybody is feeling today, I suspect.

Then, the word goes on to mean everything that awesome. For example: “This car/nailgun/crack pipe is the bollocks!” *You can now study for a degree in swearing, this is true, that’s how far education has fallen. Which all may be a bit off topic, but don’t worry about it because we are on a journey in the new Vauxhall Bollox and will be arriving at our destination in approximately five more paragraphs.

Some will recall the advert that included a sexy lady vaping as though she was giving a man oral pleasure. It sent shivers through the establishment. Once upon a time they’d never be able to shut up about the Romany bint (with a field and her paints, suggesting we feint at her beauty). Heavens to Betsey, they hollered, and threw their hands to the sky, while The Telegraph described it as “sexy as watching someone gutting fish“.

But, faster than you can say “You see an awful lot of sideboob in shower adverts these days“, the paradigm has well and truly shifted – and thanks for that has to go to the daughters and sons of Henry Ford.

In the 1990s Dennis Hopper was in-demand cool. Once, at the centre of youth culture, he was a cult figure. Then he went through a period of wearing corduroy jumpers and dancing badly at parties. Then he became a symbol of rugged desire once more. He was the perfect face for the Ford Cougar advertising campaign, a car named after a wild animal capable of ripping your face off.

Hopper was great, the Ford Cougar was great, and every single thing was great. But the Millennium loomed and the Millennium was set to ruin everything.  It gave us The Backstreet Boys and bastardised the lovely word cougar. Now cougar means a middle-aged lady – who is capable of ripping your face off.

For sex.

And in Ford’s latest advert they play on that association. The sexy sex-crazed voiceover of a sexy lady asks other middle-aged sexy ladies how much they like sexy sex. Oh, for sure, they spell it Kuga (and make no mention of sex) but it’s still all about the moist, throbbing sex.

So, there we have it: the way ahead is clear as Britain moves from 70’s smutty innuendo to full-on sex references in advertising. Come on eliquid manufacturers: where is Fani juice? Now we can all own Mantool’s Rodâ„¢, the mod you want in your hand all of the day. There may be limits to this, we would advise against The Subohm Pederast atomiser. That wouldn’t be funny at all.

So, maybe you’re a smoker who has stumbled across this website while researching your options? This can be your new term; it can be the moment you step up from Primary to Big Kid School. But if you’re already a vaper, this doesn’t have to exclude you, there’s plenty of scope to broaden your fun.

New kit purchases

This is simple for the smoker switching to vaping – buy everything.

For vapers, if you are lucky, you won’t have spent far too many hours this week being dragged about from store to store. The fortunate will not possess teenage girls, who appear to need to see every product that every shop sells before deciding what things to try on. And after the trying on comes the need to drink something (normally served hot but she prefers it fancy and with ice in) while deciding what things to go back and try on a second time.

But Vaping’s New Term means you can justify that thing you wanted to buy. You can look your partner directly in the eye, lie about the cost, and add it to the drawer of things that rarely get used. What have you put off getting?

Then, like the need to maths sets and new folders (despite the fact that I can go into the bedroom upstairs and find at least two functional maths sets and enumerable serviceable folders), you are also going to need to stock up on lots of different types of juice, wire and wicks.

New times, new learning

New vapers have a mountain to climb; you are all a bunch of Doug Scotts, Junko Tabeis and Aleister Crowleys. You may have set up base camp with a starter kit, but the odds are you’re feeling intimidated looking up at the peak of Mount Cloudchucker. The next heading may help you out.

Likewise, for experienced vapers, there is probably at least one aspect of vaping you’ve put off because you can’t be bothered with the faff. The hot favourite in the betting stakes for this is building a mesh wick and using a genesis/genesis atomiser. Just do it. Set aside some time to mess about with a cheap one and walk about feeling all steampunk and old fashioned.

New friends

Friends are simply people you don’t like the look of and haven’t spoken to before. Or something like that, we don’t pay too much attention to motivational posters.

Get along to a vape meet, join a group on Facebook, and/or sign up to a forum like Planet of the Vapes. Vapers are happy little souls who are always bursting to help other vapers. OK, this may be a bit of an exaggeration, but meets and online sites are excellent sources for tips and hints.

Plus, another key aspect to any new term is to the little kids – you know, the one who is smaller than the rucksack he has enveloping him like it’s consuming him during the school day. Actually, forget that bit.

Finally, if you’re a vaper who is just about to embark on a career as a teacher then there is only one tip for you: go to a supermarket, buy as much alcohol as you can afford, consume, then repeat this on a weekly basis.

Think of T-shirt sales, it’s probably a safe bet to say that there have been more sold adorned with the mugshot of Mr Guevara than there ever would be with one of, say, Mary Berry. Rebels were people like Gandhi, James Dean and Robin Hood; they were the poets, the artists, the pirates and the highwaymen. Even the Rebel Alliance was a bunch of rebels. We are Sappho, Sylvia Plath and Mary Shelley.

The thing is we have a problem, and it’s an almost insurmountable one.

Were you in a band when you were younger? Did you start one from scratch with your mates? If you can answer ‘yes’, then you know what the issue at hand is. The first thing a freshly formed band does is to convene a meeting at a nearby pub. The assorted members troop in, nurse a single pint for three hours and argue the merits of the names they scrawled on the back of a receipt from Tesco.

World of Leather? No.

Accident and Emergency? No.

Three Letter Acronyms? No.

Bag of Sh you get the idea. Round and round they go, because they appreciate how stupendously vital the epithet is. Trivial stuff such as writing songs, rehearsing and performing live gigs can wait – that sort of flotsam is almost irrelevant to the modern musician anyway.

Naming a band is more difficult than naming a baby. This is a fact for almost all baby namings because of the absence of a drummer, drummers have the knack of messing everything up – hence the reason they tend not to be responsible for having a child. Drummers will never agree to any band name.

How can we all band together, we free-spirited cloud creators, if we don’t have a snappy collective name? Rebels need to be in opposition, which needs to be conveyed in the sobriquet. We need to be Anti-something.

This means that we are Anti the anti-vapers.

This means we are the Antiantivapers.

Or, Antiantiva.

Antiantiva, the sexy, rebellious militant wing of vaping. Well, militant to a point, don’t let that bit scare you. We aren’t setting out to smash the state, system or even the settings on the television. Antiantiva plans to be militant about the sort of cakes we have at meetings, and we might have a very heated discussion about what type of tea to buy from Morrisons.

First order of business: any person with basic knowledge of science knows that two negatives make a positive, so the antis cancel each other out. Removing the anti and the other anti from Antiantiva means that we are just Va.

Damn, which means we are simply vapers. Like every band naming session I’ve ever been a part of, this was all a big waste of time – except that this is proof we are all cool.