Truth is such an abstract concept in life. An online discussion about the rights and wrongs of voting for UKIP highlights instantly how truth can vary from one person to the next. Even Joey Barton, the football player who once stubbed a cigar out in a team-mate’s eye, had his version of UKIP on BBC’s Question Time.

Truth for a writer is whatever he or she choses it to be. In the creation of a tale, or the adaption of a tale to cinema, the truth of the story becomes whatever is appropriate to meet the circumstances. For example, a bunch of adventurers meet a man on a sledge pulled by bunny rabbits in The Hobbit but this never took place in the book and, of course, it never actually happened at all. It was all CGI effects, there was no bunny sledge, and I know because I hooked up our eight buns to see if they could haul my gigantic frame across the lawn. They couldn’t.

That’s a lie, I never did that, I just made it up for effect. I took something and made it happen in my head and, in doing so, I’m thrown back to thinking about Stanton Glantz. Does he do this, does he take information and warp it to meet the agenda he has been contracted by the World Health Organisation to produce or does he actually, genuinely only see the dangerous aspects?

People do, people in society are very illiterate about science – to the extent that the Royal Society of Chemistry has produced a brilliant and highly readable document entitled Making Sense Of Chemical Stories. So brilliant and highly readable I suspect I’m the first non-member of the Royal Society to have read it.

“People are still being misled by chemical myths. This needs to stop. We urge everyone to stop repeating misconceptions about chemicals. The presence of a chemical isn’t a reason for alarm. The effect of a chemical depends on the dose.

In lifestyle commentary, chemicals are presented as something that can be avoided, or eliminated using special socks, soaps or diets, and that cause only harm to health and damage to the environment.”

And yet, if I were to read the whole thing to some of my friends in a dramatic voice (something halfway between Brian Blessed and Brian Griffen), they would respond with an “Ahh, yes, but they would say that wouldn’t they”. Their truth is features an almost genetically programmed distrust of scientists. In fact I get the notion that they believe all scientists carry out evil experiments in secret government-funded lairs. This upsets me because, as a Physicist, I was never given the opportunity to carry out evil experiments in a secret government-funded lair.

Stanton Glantz is often accused of cherry picking the bits of vaping science that match his argument and using them to construct something for public dissemination. Consequently I ought to go a bit easier on him.

My wife is going to question the volume of alcohol I place into my shopping trolley this evening to which I will respond with two selected quotations from the Royal Society’s booklet.

Firstly I will quote Sir Colin Berry, a pathologist, when he says: “One of the most poisonous chemicals that many people encounter is alcohol. However, even if you drink an almost lethal dose of alcohol (which I don’t recommend) your liver will clear it in 36 hours without any assistance.”

will then smugly point at her box of herbal tea and cite Dr Derek Lohmann, a research chemist: “If someone came into your house and offered you a cocktail of butanol, iso amyl alcohol, hexanol, phenyl ethanol, tannin, benzyl alcohol, caffeine, geraniol, quercetin, 3-galloyl epicatchin, 3-galloyl epigallocatchin and inorganic salts, would you take it? It sounds pretty ghastly. If instead you were offered a cup of tea, you would probably take it. Tea is a complex mixture containing the above chemicals in concentrations that vary depending on where it is grown.”

The truth will be that I will need a bunny sledge to haul my then swollen testicles back home after being rabbit-punched in them for my smart-arse antics.

Maybe I should just keep the chemicals between us.

*For anybody interested in reading further click on the link to: Making Sense of Chemical Stories.

If you are going to think about your catchphrase then ground it in the truth. Max Rip Trip Headcase claims that the future is now; it isn’t unless you are in possession of a DeLorean and a flux capacitor. More than that, if you do have a DeLorean and a flux capacitor then there are at least six other things you should be considering doing rather than video reviews. The future isn’t now Mr. Headcase, time’s arrow doesn’t work that way.

Imagine that you are down the pub; do you stand there with attractive women dripping from each shoulder? Does the place fall silent as you do or say something and then break out into rapturous applause? If not then acting probably isn’t your thing. If you want to entertain then, as Clint Eastwood said, “Go ahead, make my day”. The notion of performing coitus on cue, on camera, in front of an entire film unit does not appeal to me. I fear it would not be a pulsating experience for the assembled throng and so I have studiously avoided appearing in a mucky movie. I am aware of my limitations.

Let’s go back to the pub; pubs are great. If you are standing at the bar with a pint in hand telling a tale what is taking place in front of you? Is there a gaggle of doe-eyed onlookers, hanging on your every syllable waiting to start applauding at the end? Do others point out that the word you just said rhymed with anus frequently interrupt and laugh at you? Is there just a bored bar worker?

I say this because I used to know this guy, we’ll call him Neil; firstly, because Neil is a pretty generic name and also because his name was Neil. In fact, seeing as he’s still alive, his name still is Neil unless he has changed it through a court application, adopted a Superhero alter ego or suffers from permanent memory loss. But that’s not the point, stop being pedantic and let me get on with the story. Neil loved to tell a tale, it was his raison d’être, the only problem being that we called him Neil Monobore due to the droning nature of his voice. Cruel, I know, but true. People would take it in turns to interrupt him in order to make a joke of something he’d just said.

In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, there are three watchable British reviewers – Scott, Toddy and Damian (he recently of Safervapers). You have to include Damian in a list because he swears, has editing skills and is called Damian – and I make it a rule in life never to piss off someone who could potentially be the son of Satan. Scott is thorough, Todd is warmly engaging and Damian is anything he wants me to say he is because I don’t want to be trapped under the ice during a game of hockey. I’m serious. I may be an atheist but there are bears that should remain un-poked – that’s all I’m saying.

There rest is all rather straight forward:

• Focus – if the video looks like I’ve just consumed seventeen Tequilas and am using two of the shot glasses to look through then, frankly, I’m going back to the bar to order a second round.
• Focus – Going off at a tangent can be damn fine watching whereas watching you watching me watching you scramble around for the next thing to say is not engaging me. I’m going back to the bar for a third round
• Focus – I’ve nothing to add to this bit, I’ve had 51 Tequilas.

So, with this handy guide all you need to do is endear yourself to manufacturers and vendors. The very best way, and this has been proven by scientific research by top docs and boffins, is to send them a wedge of emails pointing out that you’ve been vaping for three weeks and would like all the free stuff they can fit in an envelope. Offering to call round and collect all the gear in a van might appear pushy but it will demonstrate your commitment to getting as much free stuff as quickly as possible.

Would you mind going to the bar for me? I’d go myself but Neil’s there.

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He’d recently completed a course on staff motivation.

I swear, that man made me loathe the fact that Robin Williams had ever been born – let alone be responsible for “Dead Poet’s Society”. I have since forgiven William’s even if I did have to go on to suffer the outrageously bad “Toys”.

Seize the bloody day?

No, actually, I’m too busy thinking of ways to make it look like I’m working (while doing as little as possible) in return for the pittance you pay me. After one day too many I gleefully, on impulse, resigned before I had a seizure or seized a part of his anatomy. I was considered such an asset to the firm that it was accepted, my car keys were demanded and I was walked back to the reception door within minutes.

I could have told the wife that evening “I was just carpe dieming it, sweetie” but chose a more diplomatic approach. I told her I’d quit through the bathroom door while she was having a post-work soak…and immediately left for the pub.

“Carpe diem, Dave! Carpe diem!”

It was roughly six hours ago, as I sit here typing, that I got the news. We’d known it was coming even though the pair of them had played it down. To be frank, I didn’t think it or I would make a blog post but then I reasoned, as vapers, we are all attempting to seize days from the grasp of cancer. Roger passed away peacefully under sedation.

“Carpe diem, Dave! Carpe diem!”

Some of us have taken up vaping in order to escape from cigarettes, the rest of us are using vaping to prevent our return. Sure, it’s more than just that, for loads of us. It has become an absorbing hobby, a chance to collect things, an opportunity to learn and tinker and a pleasurable pastime.

It’s on days like these you take stock. Football results matter less, a cuddle with the youngest means so much more. The cider tastes sweeter, the vape is more fulfilling because it is one more day wrestled from the inevitable. It’s on days like these people decide to start out in business or sell their possessions in order to get a motorbike, hard luggage and a map of the world.

“Carpe diem, Dave! Carpe diem!”

I returned from the pub at a quite respectable hour. Daylight was still to fully ebb from the skyline, there had been just enough moments passing by for me to seek fortitude in alcohol so I could face a woman in a bathrobe. I was considered such an asset to ‘the couple’ that the wrath I’d anticipated was nothing more than an “I’m not surprised”.

This was true; it would have taken something of spectacular stupidity for me to surprise her. This, after all, is the man who has been arrested for attempted theft of a ladder at pub closing time because it seemed like a funny thing to do. This, her partner and future husband, is the man who had once though it was a good idea to buy a Polski Fiat, a Leyland Princess and two houses at the height of the last two property bubbles.

Vaping was one of the few life decisions I’ve ever made with her wholehearted support. That, and leaving teaching to begin writing – although she did put a block on my first choice of becoming Britain’s fattest astronaut. She supported my vaping even though it has the “highly addictive nicotine” drug we are warned about so often. All of which brings me to the Bill Hicks quote that sums today up for me:

“Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.”

It’s the end of the week: go seize some days, get your vape on, give out some love and be happy. I’m going to carpe me some diem.

At the end of the course I made up an impressive CV, gave bogus business addresses and wrote every one of my glowing reference letters. Thing was by now I had a history of not suffering employers who were fools – and I was rapidly coming to the conclusion that almost everyone who employed me was stupid by virtue of the fact that I kept getting away with ever more grandiose lies to improve my status. And then there’s the rush when resigning on impulse, what a fabulous feeling it is.

In the film ‘Office Space’ Peter and Joanne embody my distaste of idiotic management. The nihilistic frustration echoed in films like ‘Fight Club’ and ‘American Beauty’. Yep, quitting is good.

Odds are that you were (or still are on the odd occasion) a smoker. Quitting tales? We’ve got ‘em. I have no idea of the number of times I quit – I never considered it trying to quit because I would go from being a smoker to a non-smoker in a snap. Sometimes I’d be a non-smoker for months on end, other times I would last until I woke up the following morning. Well, all the times bar one.

At its peak, when I was under huge stress to meet imbecilic and unobtainable targets I was up to 60 Rothmans a day. I’d taken my cue from my trainer whose washed-out clothes seem to fit with his yellow hand and teeth.

At 28, married and with a mortgage I’d still take a razor blade to scrape the yellow skin off my fingers before meeting my parents. They didn’t know I smoked. Sure, they’d discovered a pack of 10 Embassy No.6 in my room when I was 14 but I’d convinced them it was a money-making scheme – selling singles to the kids at the youth club. It was a convincing tale because it was true in part.

The longest period I spent as a non-smoker (prior to this) was four years, but then we moved to Colombia where life was taken that little bit less seriously. Cancer? Who cares about cancer when fags were almost free and you stood a much greater chance of being shot, blown-up or kidnapped.

My viewpoint changed when we had our second kid and they were toddlers together. I realised I didn’t want them to think smoking was a norm, for as little as I cared for my life I want them to live forever, preferably happy and without a boss who is an utter tool.

This was the only time I considered it quitting because I knew in my heart that going back to fags was not an option. I stayed in the flat for a fortnight. I’d get up in the morning, go to work, come home and that was my life – no drinking either because fags and booze were made for each other. After half a month of cranky I had it nailed.

Ish.

That was 2004; eight years later I was on the tipping point of returning to smoking for a whole number of self-justifiable reasons – working for an idiot that I couldn’t walk out on being one of them. Not only had children stopped my smoking but also their constant need for clothing and feeding meant I had to try to curb my attitude in the workplace. It was like trying to force a 26650 battery into a 14500 mod – failure was all over the place waiting to be picked up, put in a bag and carried home.

So I came at all of this from a totally different direction: vaping for me isn’t an escape ladder, it’s a firebreak. Mods, attys and juice have been the thing that stopped me returning to smoking.

More than that, vaping has become a full-time hobby and my work. After a lifetime of working for morons I now work for myself. Some things in life never change 😉

John Britton, Professor of Epidemiology at the University of Nottingham, UK: “E-cigarette use has been a consumer led revolution and grown as a bottom-up public health initiative that could save millions of lives. It has moved at a speed that shows just how much smokers want and will choose nicotine products that don’t kill. I hope the WHO and all public health decision makers can recognise and harness the health opportunities that e-cigarettes can provide.”

In light of the open letter, the American Council on Science and Health commented “The WHO itself has predicted that, if current trends continue, one-billion lives will be cut short this century due to “tobacco.” What the WHO, the EU, and indeed our own CDC and other regulators fail to acknowledge is that almost all of those dead and sickened will suffer the effects of cigarette smoking. Other forms of tobacco are about 99 percent less harmful than smoke, especially including snus-type smokeless.”

They have asked for the WHO to encourage governments to adopt preferential taxation policies to encourage the take up of vaping. They have called for a rethink on advocating the banning of ecig advertising as an educated population is better able to make informed choices.

The 53 have also called for decisions to be influenced by a team of experts and grounded in good science rather than using the likes of Professor Glantz to manipulate findings to present worst case scenarios as if they were fact.

The media coverage of this event was unprecedented for vaping, reaching the number one spot in all online news media by 9am on Thursday.

Robert West, Professor of Health Psychology and Director of Tobacco Studies at University College in London said “For the WHO to suggest that e-cigarettes are as risky as other tobacco products would send an erroneous and bleak message to the millions of current e-cigarette users who have used them to quit smoking. It would discourage smokers from trying them and we would miss out on a major opportunity to reduce smoke related deaths globally.”

• The letter to the Director General of the World Health Organisation
• Clive Bates

How this will effect what will happen at the WHO meeting in August, the legislation from the EU and how it is implemented in the UK remains to be seen, but for those of us media watchers it will certainly make interesting reading and viewing.