My parents owned records by Max Boyce and we holidayed in North Wales with my Dad’s rugby team – but not once did they mention leeches while I saw them collapse around a campfire in a field strewn with empty Watney’s Party Seven tins. You’d have thought an industry providing 42 million leeches a year to the UK market would be something to crow about? You know, like the low incidence of cholera in Wales in the 19^th century?

Wheels revolve, needs change and the inexorable crushing foot of progress tramples on us all.

You will have seen from the website that Cotton Bacon is now on sale. Not just that, a new form of nickel is here too – not only is Stealthvape probably the only vendor in the world stocking tempered nickel round wire, the product line has been augmented by tempered nickel ribbon.

More options for coils and wicks; advances, developments…change. I love shopping online, I can get what I want without ending up with pockets full of coins – I’m like that, I hate change.

I think it’s an age thing. I think you get to a point in your life where you want to say ‘alright, I’ve learnt lots of stuff and most of it has proven to be useless (especially the bits about celebrities, fashion and pastry making).‘ I think that is what lies behind the elder generation pining for the old days when you couldn’t move in your street for the police. A bit like living in the Notting Hill Carnival without the drugs, violence and annoying dancing.

I know I should ‘get it’. I appreciate that everyone who has adopted nickel coils goes on about how great it all is – it just makes me feel like when my Grandad was shown how to bodypop. I end up feeling awkward, uncoordinated and that the world is laughing at me. Again.

Louder.

It’s a desire for simplicity that has drawn me strongly to stainless steel and taken me away from the brass and copper that I adore. If there were a Facebook quiz analysing your responses to predict your favourite colour then mine would be a freshly polished copper hue. Although, saying that, given the abysmal record of Facebook quizzes to get the right answer that possibly isn’t a given. I mean to say, how the Hell am I ever “Sansa Stark, first daughter and second child of Eddard and Catelyn Stark”? Stupid Facebook quizzes.

It’s a quest for simplicity in the sense that as much as I love the look of freshly polished brass and copper – I loathe spending time doing it. Once upon a time I enjoyed it, the process was cathartic…but once upon a time I did many things I thought I enjoyed (like Facebook quizzes) before discovering the time could be better used to daydream, fiddle and any of a number of other forms of procrastination.

Wheels revolve, needs change and the inexorable crushing foot of progress tramples on us all.

Leeches have returned: Wales once more provides the three-jawed, 300-teethed mini monsters to a medical market. Maybe this means I can skip the revolutions in the vape world and just pick them up next time around.

The problem with personality is that there is no discernable cut off. It seems to me that it’s impossible to say some people are positive and others negative, it’s not a Boolean on/off function. I prefer the notion of intersecting rainbows where one end resides in a pot of gold and the other a vat with the dismembered body of Katie Hopkins filled up with excrement. But focus on the rainbows.

It’s this mental impression of personality that holds me to a belief that no one apart from Katie Hopkins is purebred evil. Pol Pot may have massacred between 2 to 3 million people but, by all accounts, he always sent his mother flowers and was a massive fan of The Two Ronnies – especially Ronnie Corbett’s seated monologues to camera.

The Spock-like logical side to me knows that mods, coils and atomisers have no soul. I fully appreciate the in-human nature of metal. And yet I can help but feel that sometimes, shortly before I wake up, they get together on the rack and plan out to the finest detail exactly how they’re going to ruin my day.

Just look at your box mod, now. Do it.

See that? See those buttons? They follow you around the room. I swear there’s a hive-like collective intelligence like that exhibited by a colony of ants. A single one is stupid – but lob a load of them together like the Argentine Ant super colony stretching 3,728 miles from Italy to Portugal. The same thing if you managed to clone Katie Hopkins and make a billion of them live together without access to Twitter.

No. Sometimes atomisers are egged on by the rest of the collection: “Go on, Gary, you’re nearly empty. You know he’s going to recoil you later. Just mess him about a bit for shits and giggles.”

And so that coil you’ve made a hundred times before, the one you know always runs in at 1.1Ω, gives an odd reading. Or the reading flits about. Or, halfway through vaping, the regulated mod finds the ability to throw up 1,000 watts. But mainly that the wick and coil that operate so effectively on a daily basis suddenly don’t wick juice.

Damn your hide, denizens of the rack, I know what you’re doing – I can hear your tinny chuckles. But it isn’t just that they conspire to mess me about, they constantly flummox me by simply working.

I’d put off getting the new Kayfun for a whole host of reasons. It struck me that the level of complexity of the device was overkill and that, combined with the cost, it would fail to reward me. Of course there was also fear. Not fear that I’d be unable to master the thing, more the fear that being a sizable lump I’d not want to be hit with it when my partner discovered I’d bought yet another addition to the collection. My expectations couldn’t have been lower, like when my daughter made me watch La Hopkins in an episode of Big House Full Of People No One Knows (apart from Cheggers and that vessel of spite in human form).

“Go on Sharon, mess with his head. He thinks you’re nothing – but there are two types of atomisers, those that do and those that don’t. Be the atomiser that does.”

I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking about how many points you could score in Scrabble with that name if only you were allowed to use proper nouns and more than eight letter tiles. I know that’s what went through my mind, displacing all thoughts of Katy Perry on a Spacehopper.

Zwicky, you see, realised that some galaxies were travelling far faster than they ought to be compared to the observed gravitational mass of surrounding galaxies. Something else had to be exerting a force on them to give them this additional oomph. Something dark.

Of course, it would be easy to attempt to describe this further, using real world analogies in an attempt to make the obscure have some meaning. But Richard Feynman nailed it when discussing quantum mechanics: “It will be difficult. But the difficulty really is psychological and exists in the perpetual torment that results from your saying to yourself, ‘But how can it be like that?’ which is a reflection of uncontrolled but utterly vain desire to see it in terms of something familiar. I will not describe it in terms of an analogy with something familiar; I will simply describe it. I think I can safely say that nobody understands quantum mechanics. Do not keep saying to yourself, if you can possibly avoid it, ‘But how can it be like that?’ because you will get ‘down the drain’, into a blind alley from which nobody has yet escaped. Nobody knows how it can be like that.”

I love a bit of Physics, me. So do a whole host of you, even those of you who don’t think you do, because you are currently looking at a page on the Stealthvape website.

We carry out little lab experiments every single time we build a new coil or construct our own box mods. We do stuff that today’s kids rarely get the opportunity to carry out in school because of a temporary relocation into a Geography classroom or thanks to Darren acting like a pillock and disrupting the class.

“I’m sorry, but if I can’t trust you to carry out experiments safely without attaching a power supply to Jeremy’s nipples then you’re going to spend the hour copying from a book.”

What I’ve always found sad is the volume of people who say they “can’t do science” or they find it dull. But then look at the enthusiasm vaping brings out in folks…Vapers may enter not being conversant in batteries, Ohm’s Law or mixing chemicals in the kitchen but the community acts like a free Open University for nicotine heads.

Isn’t it awesome to explore how different flavours interact when mixing up a DIY juice? Well, no. That bit is an utter PITA all things considered because after spending tens of pounds on assorted concentrates I never managed to titrate anything remotely vapeable. But then that’s Chemistry and, as every Physicist knows, that’s not a proper science anyway. Like Biology.

We are vapers therefore we are scientists – and we’re at the bleeding edge of modern physics research. Dark matter increases the velocity of matter…which explains why my tank empties so quickly. I can prove it: just look at your wick the next time you go to change it…dark matter everywhere.

I’m sending a bagful to dark matter theorist Dan Hooper at Fermilab in Chicago. Actually, thinking about it, I’ll hand deliver them so I can go call on Katy Perry.

Images courtesy of a delightful article here

By ‘say‘ I mean ‘shout‘, Brian was given to expressing every thought through the medium of barely concealed hatred of the world. Grammar school boys had clearly not been kind to him through the years. When not spitting contempt for our collective sins he was tasked with our class-based religious education. Line by line we worked our way through the bible, across five years, from Genesis 1:1 to Revelation 22:21. Well-meaning questions in the beginning became honed opportunities to raise a laugh and drive the Reverend into frenzy.

Brian didn’t teach; it was all or nothing proselytising. He expected his charges to be empty, willing and unquestioning vessels that he could pour instruction into. Failing that he expected them not to run or tell tales when he (frequently) beat and kicked anyone he felt was not taking the word of Brian seriously enough. Bruises would heal but the memories of the raucous laughter as he failed to understand irony live forever.

As vapers we are confronted by quandaries regarding proselytising on a number of fronts: whether or not to sing the praises of vaping to smokers, if we should advocate our position on sub-ohms & battery stuff and then there’s the whole political thing. If there’s one concept I took from the years of Brian’s bellows it’s that going head-on with a person about something invariably fails.

I’ve been struck by the number of disparaging comments about vapers I’ve seen or heard recently from smokers. A number of them don’t seem to like us. They don’t like us a lot. I always considered that I avoided all conversation on the topic of vaping unless it was bought up elsewhere. And then I caught myself offering a custard-loaded Squape to a smoker in a manner that shocked me. “Go on, vape it!” I extolled to the poor woman expectantly; withdrawing the gift the second the words dropped from my mouth and I realised the magnitude of arse that I was being. I lived to vape another day and no drinks were spilled but it has given me pause for thought.

Meanwhile, on a forum, the weekly debate over subohms has kicked off again and left me wondering why any of us care what others do? I’ve not once seen a person standing by the foot of a stage and hollering at Lemmy Kilmister, demanding Motörhead turn it down a bit. The volume they play at can damage hearing and might lead to stringent sound legislation thereby curtailing everyone’s fun…and yet no one seems to be bothered. But it seems to be impossible for some vapers to not lambast others because ‘it can reflect badly on all of us if something goes wrong’.

And then there are the campaigners; and a subset that holds fervour for their actions that borders on the fundamentalist. I’ve signed some petitions but nothing to the level to say I’m actively politicking, mainly because I have a fatalist view of what is occurring – but then this is my choice. What they, you and I all choose to do is just that, and isn’t the concept of ‘choice’ what harm reduction is all about?

I don’t fish or spend my time recreating meals from Come Dine With Me; I wonder if people who do those and other pastimes proselytise? “Go on, hold my rod! Try it! Go on, try it! Fishing is bloody brilliant!”

Vapefest is the premier vaping event in the UK. Despite the welcome addition of other things taking place this year, VF15 will remain at the top of the list of must-attends for most vapers. Noobs will be full of questions like:

• Who is going to be there?
• Will I get to see the man passed out with a straw in his backside?
• Are beards compulsory? And,
• Should I take enough batteries to power a trans-dimensional portal?

A full weekend of drinking, laughs and vaping beckons. Best of all, it’s a family-friendly event. I can’t speak for others, but I know my children love nothing more than to watch me collapse near a PA speaker clutching a bag of shopping. Admittedly they get to do that most Saturdays in front of the market meat van but here they also get to hold my extensive collection of li-ion batteries.

Thanks to the free camping being laid on you can be assured of spotting a number of tent-loving personalities. It is highly probable that Kim Kardashian, Gandalf and Dame Judy Dench are seriously considering joining the ginger one from Harry Potter under canvas in Shrewsbury. Jack Nicholson has spent the last month making a sleeping bag out of Muji packets.

And for those aware of the dangers of being fallen on by a fat, drunk man at half three in the morning there’s always hotel accommodation. Rooms in Shrewsbury are plentiful and many come with that weekend away essential: bacon. A hearty breakfast is the most important meal of the day, it will set you up for the fun ahead and be the buffer between ‘waking’ and ‘curry’.

What is probably perplexing you is why this advice is being given out so early given that VF15 isn’t on until August. Simple, all vapers (if YouTube is anything to go by) appear to be sporting fantastic beards. With false beards available from most leading beard shops this is a truly unisex fashion statement. Also, as the day ticks by, a beard provides an excellent repository for breakfast morsels.

“Is there a VIP section?” I hear you ask. Why no, at Vapefest everyone is a VIP. Beard or no beard, everyone is treated as though they are more important than celebrity vaping politician Nick Clegg. Just like the Deputy Prime Minister, you will be able to shuffle from stall to stall with no one recognising you. No paparazzi photographers, no pressing meetings with the under-secretary in the Department of Pebbles, just an unhindered time to browse and laugh, to laugh like Johnny Depp the celebrity vaping pirate (who is sharing a tent with Doctor Konstantinos Farsalinos).

When you sit sharing a bottle of rum with Johnny Sparrow-Depp he is going to want to know what you own. And have ever owned. Carrying around a hernia-inducing bag full of kit you never use will be a wonderful talking point. Oh how you will both giggle in the sun as you look at the seventeen CE2s and that bottle of Dekang.

And what if something goes wrong or the hernia becomes unmanageable? Shropshire’s NHS is on the case. From minor coil burns to a hole in your ‘The Only Way Is Subohm’ t-shirt caused by a venting Trustfire, the wonderful nurses will be on speed dial to fix you up and send you back into the fray.

But do not ponder on disaster, despite the media hype no one has ever needed to call out the juice mountain rescue or the sea of raffle prizes lifeboat service. The only setback you may have is not having enough space to carry home your purchases and any freebies you’ve picked up. Maybe the time has come to launch the Stealthvape box on wheels. Go to Vapefest 2015!

It is clear from the abuse I’ve received this week on one social media platform that people adore to get into a tizz over nothing important. The advice I’ve always received from my wife is to ignore idiots when they’re doing stupid things. But what does she know? She never ignores me and my life is an ever-growing list of ill-advised actions.

Spending time worrying about the things no one else appears to be worrying about is just one of those imprudent time killers – and so I give you vaping kinemortophobics. It’s one thing to run out of juice during a working day, it’ll be another thing entirely to drop to the last bar of battery charge during the middle of a zombie apocalypse.

A cursory scan of the interwebz will pull up 12,200,000 results; buy a survival kit, advice of what essential components ought to be and how to ensure survival. From a feeble plastic device for a couple of quid to a full-blown £349 Gerber flesh-hacking kit, the apocalypse may not be imminent but the fears of one have produced an online market.

But what’s it worth? What is the point in staggering around hunting the undead and living off fried mice if there’s no vape? What the flip is going on vendors – don’t you care about us once the undead have risen?

Clearly not.

We care. We love you and want to live together on a boring farm like Season 2 of the Walking Dead. Vape Camp is going to be the go-to location for those who wish to avoid a non-life biting necks.

Firstly, get stocking that freezer. In the hours after the news breaks that the world is going to hell in a handcart you’ll need to DIY juice and fill multiple litre containers. Although a number of juice vendors think the mail service is going to continue to operate as normal (what with it already being run by zombies) the likelihood is strong that eliquid deliveries may suffer.

Next, batteries do not charge themselves. If you haven’t already got a solar charger (schoolboy error), hop in the car and ram-raid Maplin. If you haven’t already obtained a lifetime supply of cotton, silica and wire then you are going to have to be inventive with tampons and cables you strip from walls.

Which leaves devices: It’s not enough to have something that vapes. Stuff needs to double up. An eGo and an Evod may appear to be ideal for lightweight vaping on the run – but when you are stuck in a warehouse as the hordes close in the best they’ll achieve is close quarters eye damage. Throwing the kit to the other end of the room in order to make a distracting noise is probably the best use they’ll see (although incorrectly recharging it can start a handy fire for making a nice mouse stew).

No, just like an Igo-L will do nothing more than bounce off a decomposing face, the vape gear you need will have to be able to deliver serious damage as well as giving a rewarding cloud.

The solid structure of a Piccolo and Spheroid are more than sufficient to make puncture wounds and will cause brain damage to walkers. It should be noted that the drip tip will probably remain in the victim and infected blood will contaminate the wadding, rendering unable to be vaped. This is a one-use emergency killing device only.

Heft is what we need here. A simple box mod might be useful for inflicting blunt-force trauma, or tripping over a clumsy corpse. The thin walls and poor build quality will prevent these mods from repeatedly being able to keep you living and breathing.

Something like the 26650 Black Oak was made for the apocalypse. Nothing to break, serrated frontage and a massive bulk makes this the choice of champions. It will take out an entire horde and still function for that evening’s cloud chasing competition. Indeed, a decent cloud may help you evade death – something worth bearing in mind.

For the purist, the person who wants the ultimate in denying the undead an ability to exist, there are the twin vape weapons in the Ehuge and the Congestus. Crowds will gather to watch you expertly despatch staggering plague carriers. Mass and length turn these into impressive survival tools.

See you out there.

Anyone venturing onto the Vapefest website will be greeted with the following message: “Retune your browser in February for an exciting announcement ” I’ll make no bones about it: I love Vapefest. I can’t begin to fathom all of the hard work that must go into arranging an event that becomes exponentially more popular.

One of the main drawbacks of the vaping world is that so much of our interaction is online. We buy and sell through websites while posting memes on forums yet mini-meets are always great fun, just like the big one in August. But this year we are going to have even more opportunities to get together.

On the 25^th of this month groups of vapers will be standing outside BBC buildings to mark the first year since people tried to raise the profile of vaping in the news. It was due to take place on the 11^th but moved following the recent tragic events in France. You can discover further details on the Facebook events page.

Come May and there’s Vape Jam being held at London Olympia on the 8^th and 9^th. Still waiting for the list of vendors confirmed so far but all of the 300 free tickets were snapped up quickly. The event is being organised by Amir Saeed and Maria Borissova. Time will tell if vapers used to going to Vapefest for free are willing to pay up to £75 for entry.

The following month brings the Ecig Expo to Harrogate on June 27^th. It’s free to get in on Saturday for members of the public with a trade-only session on the Sunday. I’ve never been to Harrogate so this one is already marked up on my calendar.

Will we be gathering in Shropshire again for Vapefest 2015 come August? Will it be at the Showground? Will there be camping? How many sore heads will there be the day after the night before? If past years are anything to go by then people will be leaving VF15 with bags loaded with new juices to try and new vaping kit to play with. Plus, of course, memories of a cracking weekend with friends and like-minded people.

Rounding up the year is Tabexpo in London, running from 20^th-23^rd October. Primarily a tobacco industry event; Smok, Kanger, Hangsen, Kamry and a number of other Chinese manufacturers will be in attendance – it will be interesting to see what they are pitching by way of vaping products to Big T.

Also, mini-meets will be dotted about around the country. It’s going to be a great year for vapers who like to get out, about and share a drink or two. Where are you planning on going?

I have taken huge, puerile delight in plonking all manner of sauce bottles onto our table ever since – including the loathed brown sauce that we’ve not touched after opening it in 1983. I exaggerate; it’s what I do, so that’s another reason why they probably asked me to go.

That said, I make a point of always holding doors open for people following me. Sometimes to the point of hanging around while they meander in my direction and despite the muffled grunts which may or may not translate to “thank you”.

I don’t speak with my mouth full, I rest my cutlery when I’m not shovelling food and I refrain from telling every idiot I meet that they are a challenged individual requiring immediate repositioning to a part of the world I’m not occupying. I’m nice like that, see?

It’s manners.

It’s remembering to say thank you when someone gives you something – even if it’s hideous. It’s smiling when your partner tells you about their day and nodding and humming in the appropriate places despite the football being on. It’s saying “Yes, that’s a brilliant plan” when forced to watch Enchanted by the girl for the fifteenth time.

It’s being the opposite of Lisa Watson the vaper. Note: This opinion is mine and does not reflect the views held by Rob or Emma Stealthvape.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Lisa says, “I was in Morrisons a couple of days ago, took a couple of puffs and was told by a member of staff to get out.”

I’m going to gloss over the whole bit where Lisa was shopping in Morrisons in the first place, some of you may like the store – some of you may work there. Good for you. I’m not going to mention that they only ever seem to have one till open and staff it with someone who was too lethargic to be employed in KFC (the company resolutely trying to remove the tags ‘fast’ and ‘food’ from fast food). Nor am I going to mention the fresh vegetables that resemble a biology lab experiment by the time they’re unpacked at home.

“I was pretty annoyed, but when I rang Morrisons head office they said it’s company policy across the whole country. I think it’s disgusting. I spend over £300 a month there, but I won’t be going back – I’ll take my custom somewhere else.”

I’m pretty sure Morrisons are concerned but their £17billion+ turnover might just help them cope with the bitter news that Lisa is off to Tesco. Sure, they might be dim when they say “We feel it’s right to protect those who don’t want to be exposed to second-hand smoke from e-cigarette vapours” – but what sort of person acts as if it is their right to vape wherever they want?

Hmm, condescension: tag that onto the list of things that ticked my parents off.

A rule of thumb for me has always been not to vape wherever I wouldn’t have smoked. No one but those bent on conflict would walk around a supermarket puffing on a fag. Given that Morrisons have a sign banning vaping, you’d have though that if you can’t make it the whole way through a shop without a nicotine fix you’d do a crafty stealthy number or nip off to the toilets….or use something like the outstanding Coke mod.

I guess we all have our personal set of rules for this kind of thing, but whenever I’ve seen the subject raised almost all of us are in agreement. I feel that whereas we know the relative dangers posed by vaping, and the non-existent impact on others, there is still a battle for acceptance. I don’t see confrontation and entitlement winning any hearts and minds – of course, I’m perfectly happy to be wrong if you disagree. That’s me being polite and using a sense of decorum.

Now while I go and pop the ketchup back into the kitchen cupboard can someone organise a bus? We need to go sit out in Taunton’s Tesco next week, I’ve a feeling it could be good entertainment. I can’t apologise for it, it’s the wicked streak I was born with; my parents should have understood.

Like most people, when I’m meant to be getting on with something productive – you know, the kind of thing that pays bills and keeps the wife happy – I wander. It’s just far too easy to open a browser and search for donkey-juggling images (or a guide to building an explosive bag filled with dog excrement for forum members who rip others off with trades) while I’m sitting at the keyboard.

Which is why I was delighted to stumble across the Asch Conformity Experiment.

I’m sure we’re all well aware of the Stanford prison experiment. It’s the one where people were selected to take on the roles of prisoners and guards in a mock prison…and the guards were encouraged to enforce authoritarian measures and ultimately subject some of the prisoners to psychological torture.

If you aren’t familiar with it, you can see that a similar experiment is being carried out by Channel 5 where they are the guards and Celebrity Big Brother is the torture weapon.

There’s this well-known RTA brand, see. I owned not one but two of them; buying the first was a simple response the praises being sung, but the second? Honestly, I’ve no idea. I thought I really liked it but I didn’t – I hated it. The flavour produced was sorely lacking when compared to the market leader and it was such a pig when it was time to recoil.

But I persisted.

Eventually I sold one after a want ad went up and the second quickly followed suit in response to a personal message. It’s left me wondering what on earth I was thinking; what possessed me to stick with something I knew was a let-down? Anybody watching the recent series of Prime Witness or The Walking Dead Series #2 (Hershel’s farm) will know exactly where I’m coming from.

“Imagine yourself in this situation: You’ve signed up to participate in a psychology experiment in which you are asked to complete a vision test. Seated in a room with the other participants, you are shown a line segment and then asked to choose the matching line from a group three segments of different lengths. The experimenter asks each participant individually to select the matching line segment. On some occasions everyone in the group chooses the correct line, but occasionally, the other participants unanimously declare that a different line is actually the correct match. So what do you do when the experimenter asks you which line is the right match? Do you go with your initial response, or do you choose to conform to the rest of the group?”

I’ve always considered myself to be a freethinking non-conformist, it says so on my underpants, but I’m obviously not. I am some kind of human-Borg/sheep just going along with the collective mind. Everyone else tells me the atty is awesome then it must be me who is wrong and I really do enjoy vaping with it.

Only I didn’t, I really didn’t.

So, with the knowledge that I am as sentient as a Page 3 model in a reality show I am putting in place plans to avoid future errors of judgement: Hereonin I’m only going to buy things everyone else says is rubbish. Thank you Solomon Asch.

My childhood was made up of amassing football cards and Panini stickers. Years were measured in collecting albums with my all-time favourite falling in 1977, the year of punk. Buck-toothed supposed athletes with bad perms and dodgy facial hair littered my waking moments. For the best part of Secondary school the only words I uttered in public were: “Got got got want got got got got want got got want want got got got…”

Cards and stickers were replaced by 2000AD and Marvel comics, there must have been a point I dabbled in the DC world but it never took root. There has to be something wrong with people who dreamt up Aquaman – a superhero who lived in an underwater fishing boat and who’s primary ability was the power to read the minds of fish? Come on. Being able to tell that Flipper is feeling a tad frisky is hardly the kind of stuff to enrapture a teenager in middle England.

Comics made way for graphic novels and books. It wasn’t enough to read 1984, I had to discover and own everything by Orwell; the same for HG Wells, Alan Moore, Iain Banks and the rest. Then came music and motorbikes – at one point there were eight in the garage and one parked up by the side of the house.

And this has progressed into vaping, much to the wife’s disappointment. I think she was hoping midlife would bring about a desire to collect DIY skills or see me developing a mutual appreciation for the works of celebrity TV chefs. But I’ve hit a snag.

Whereas it was easy to define what I would collect in my formative years I’m struggling with vape gear. To begin with it was Pinoy mechs and attys; I fully appreciate that some find their take on design, well, err, challenging. But there was one thing I knew for certain – I didn’t like the plain British design. That was like Aquaman as a metal tube.

And then I did, consequently it was mods from Europe that filled my rack. There was no way I was going for any of that regulated nonsense though until I had an epiphany. Tubes were suddenly outnumbered by boxes…before boxes became outnumbered by tubes. Rather than a bar chart graph of likes, my purchasing history resembles a three-dimensional sine wave after a child covered in jam and dried Weetabix has attacked it.

I’ve tried one in/one out strategies, one purchase a month techniques, just trading gear approaches and an outright ban on buying anything else – nothing seems to work because there’s always something interesting. No one needs fifteen mods and attys, a drawer full of batteries and boxes loaded with juice bottles but I just can’t stop; asking me not to collect things is like asking Katie Hopkins to stop writing guff.

Now, what I really need is a DNA40. I know this because I’ve said in the past that I don’t want one.