“We started from the premise that ‘We don’t know what is in them’,” explained Grinch, “and filled in the gaps with educated guesswork. While many would say that we should have used analytical equipment, we believe that our years of experience at making stuff up lends us expertise in this area that is second to none.”

“Our first revelation was that eliquid is made from organs harvested from unloved puppies, the by-products of nuclear fission and food that’s passed its sell-by date. Shocking, right? Not even in our wildest dreams did we imagine we’d discover this simply by inventing facts.”

The California Department of Public Health have already added the details onto their Still Blowing Guff website. “Sure, normally we’d wait until someone said that someone else thought it seemed OK, for other campaigns – but this website is all about spreading fear-based information that no one else has thought up of yet,” said a spokesperson too afraid to give their name.

Grinch continued: “And do you know who makes eliquids? Terrorists, that’s who. All of them, every eliquid company: terrorists. If you buy a bottle of High-VG ‘Strawberry Delightfully Nice’ then all you’re doing is funding them to engage in more 7-Elevens. Say no to terrorists, say no to vaping, is what we say when we’re saying it.”

Stanton then pushed a photograph across the table. It showed people locked in confined spaces like factory farm chickens. “This is how they make the devices they use for this electronic smoking thing,” he said. “It’s true.” He stated that his research proved terrorists locked up people from America and Europe and forced them to manufacture mods and atomisers from the bones of endangered species. “It’s a bit blurry so you can’t see it, but this man is holding the ribcage of a white tiger that will be made into just one electronic cigarette tube. They kill 1,700 of these tigers a week and there were only 200 in the world to begin with. Do you know what this means? We now have -26,500 white tigers globally.”

It seems hard to argue about the good vaping does when confronted by such evidence. Then we learnt that vape shops are actually run by organised crime. “I’m not lying or anything,” Grinch adamantly said while slamming his hand on the table for dramatic effect. “They staff these so-called ‘vape shops’ with prostitutes they trafficked against their will and all their profits go to buying fast cars to do drive-by shootings. I spent three months undercover as one of these prostitutes. I really did. I was great at it because I’ve been prostituting my services for the Pharma industry for years now.”

Andy Goodbloke from the American Bunch of Bloody Nice Vapers Association, commenting on the study, said: “Go home California, you’re drunk.”

Some like to have a simple, tight draw while others want an open draw to rival sucking on the Mersey tunnel. There are vapers who exhale discrete puffs, barely noticeable to all but the most irritating moaner. There are vapers who produce cloudbanks, which cause warnings on the shipping forecast, and there are vapers who do all manner of tricks. But the problem has always been that you have to set up your kit for one thing.

Not anymore.

We’ve designed something that is all things to everybody. You’ll be amazed at the simple beauty of the Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers ™. OK, we admit, it doesn’t scrub up very well in photographs – but then neither did Audrey Hepburn without 3kg of makeup. That’s a fact we found on the internet – and the internet never lies. You can believe that because you are reading this on the internet.

This is a machine that blows O’s, does tricks, chucks out clouds of predetermined lengths (from amateur to comp winner) and even produces clouds resembling famous celebrities. You too will be able to make an octopus or make it look like your lounge has just been visited by the ghost of Giant Haystacks, the wrestler. For those who want to turn full pro, the Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers ™ means sponsorship is almost definitely guaranteed – if you can find someone to pay you to vape.

How does it work? The box has two modes: blow and suck. The suck function is for those looking for simple vaping. The self-contained atomiser feeds up to the mouth using our patented Gobtube. The user friendly buttons allow the experience to be personalised in under three hours of easy button pressing.

But when it’s time to party, the blow function will give you tricks for days. The adult lock can be enabled to turn off the suck function meaning all your children and grandchildren can join in the vape japes and malarkey too.

The box has been future-proofed. Our downloadable interface will work on all the operating systems – both Windows 95 AND Windows 98. Not only that, we realise that the more technically advanced among you will now be using Windows XP and we will be launching a patch to accommodate that in 2019.

It’s fully customisable too with our range of exciting and useful range of accessories:

• Gobtubes in different colours and materials
• Extendable Gobtubes for vaping during commutes, riding motorbikes, marathon running or something like space exploration or whatever.
• Seeing a bandwagon to jump on, we’re also launching a range of Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers switchback caps.
• External backpack juice reservoir with solar recharger so you can literally vape for days.
• Downloadable celebrity faces, animal shapes and rude objects for cloud formations.

We know that you’ll be as excited about this as we are, so we urge you to get on this quick. Demand will be through the roof, along with the price, so make sure you don’t miss out on owning your very own Stealthvape Vaping Vapebox For Vapers™.

Stanton Glantz doesn’t like it though. He doesn’t like the idea of vapers enjoying themselves and he loathes the idea that you are all being paid by Big Tobacco to promote vaping. Katie Hopkins probably hates it too. We haven’t bothered to find out as reading her Twitter feed has been linked to an increased rate of brain aneurisms, but it’s a reasonable bet that as normal people enjoy it she will despise them.

There’s a market segment that’s been clearly overlooked though, and we believe we’re riding the bleeding edge of invention by catering to its needs. We asked ourselves the question: “Where’s the next step?” There’s everything for vapers who have successfully swapped smoking for ecigs and yet those vapers looking to switch of electronic cigs entirely – nothing.

Sure, vaping is awesome and makes us all look cool but some people don’t like the secondary effects. Being swamped with attractive folks bent on getting to know you sexually or hang out down the pub can become a drag if all you want to do is stay in and listen to Gardener’s Question Time. What’s a person to do? You need the Stealthvape range of motivational products, that’s what.

Step One: The Stealthvape VapeMate Safe. It’s like a normal safe but six times better. With sections to accommodate you mods and atomisers, dedicated drawers for all of your rebuildable equipment and a toilet roll dispenser, it’s the ideal repository for all of your gear. How does this help? It aids you because the Stealthvape Vapemate Safe randomly changes its 17-digit electronic password ensuring that you’d have to really be dedicated to taking vaping up again. It took Stephen Hawking three weeks and a computer-operated acetylene torch to get in during our extensive trials.

Step Two: The Stealthvape Vapemate Nonvapecig. It looks like a mod and atomiser, it has a colourful liquid in the tank, but press the button and nothing happens. It’s like being inside Katie Hopkins’ brain; nothing is going on, but nicer. You get all of the enjoyment from holding something amazing but none of the temptation to use it in public.

Step Three: The Stealthvape Vapemate Patch. This isn’t like a nicotine patch because that would be stupid. No, these are like pirate eye patches but in the style of glasses so that even if a friend pops around you won’t be able to see their kit. Not only will it remove temptation but also you will become as fantastic as a pirate Johnny Depp. We do not advise using the Stealthvape Vapemate Patch when driving or operating heavy machinery.

And when you have successfully (avoided accidents) quit, we’ll be there for you in the future too with a forthcoming range of post-vaping products. You might want to leave the Stealthvape Vapemate Patch off so you can read about it.

In the 192-page document, The RCP lay bare the lies put up against vaping and detail exactly why everyone should embrace electronic cigarettes as a harm reduction tool. When taken together with the Public Health England 95% Safer report, the evidence is now overwhelming – there can be no disputing the fact that vaping is substantially better than smoking and offers an excellent way out of addiction.

Contributors to the report included some of the best-informed members of the research and academic communities:

• Deborah Arnott, ASH
• Richard Ashcroft, Queen Mary University
• Linda Bauld, University of Stirling
• John Britton, University of Nottingham
• Peter Hajek, Queen Mary University
• Ann McNeill, King’s College
• Robert West, University College London

The report covers topics such as the breadth of smoking in Britain, how nicotine affects the body, the role for e-cigarettes in harm reduction and the ethics surrounding its adoption. What it also does it tackle the objections to allowing vaping head on. How many times have we read warnings that vaping can lead society back to the normalisation of smoking and undo decades of progress in reducing smoking-related deaths? The debate over proposals to restrict the use of ecigs in Wales was dominated by mentions of an alleged gateway effect – whereby non-smokers would be tempted into using tobacco cigarettes after using an ecig first. Plus, opponents argue that vaping only provides a temporary escape from smoking, and that vapers return to smoking as a result because they don’t make a clean break. The report crushes all three of their core arguments: “there is no evidence that any of these processes is occurring to any significant degree in the UK.”

As Duncan Selbie from Public Health England says: “The evidence is clear; vaping is much less harmful to health than smoking, and this report further highlights the important role of e-cigarettes in reducing the deadly harms smoking causes.” The chief executive stated that if smokers combined vaping with the services offered by a local Quit program they stood an “extremely good chance of quitting smoking successfully.”

We welcome the Royal College of Physicians Report and hope the government takes on board its messages. We hope that they see that Article 20 of the Tobacco Products Directive will act as a barrier to many of the recommendations and be very detrimental to the nascent British vaping industry.

“My little Johnny loves to vape,” Gladys Hip-Problem told us, “but he struggled to afford all of those large bottles.” We hear you, Gladys. For too long the vape industry has forgotten about all the non-working vapers out there. “It’s like, those 120ml bottles go from forty pounds and up. How is a 12yr-old going to buy them? He isn’t, that’s how. He struggles to find the money for his weekend WKDs as it is.”

“He got picked on in the playground by the rich kids who laugh at him. ‘Johnny no-vapes’ they call him. It’s not fair – the teachers did nothing. He’s clutching his tiny bottle of juice while they’re carting around huge great carafes. All I can say is a big ‘thank EU’ to the politicians responsible for this new law. Now the rest of them are going to have to buy 10 microscopic containers with their chip money too, it’s really levelled the playing field. And the playground. And Maths lessons – well they have to do something in class because that Mr Crabtree is awful.”

Yes, thanks to Linda McAvan MEP, everybody from the long-term disabled to the Terrible Twos can now share in this wonderful Act of equality. McAvan has been concerned about the declining rates of teen smoking for some time and saw attacking ecigs as a brilliant way to redress this.

“The trouble for small hands is that they have difficulty grasping a big bottle of eLiquid,” said business expert Tim Wingnut, famed for being fired on Series 3 of The Apprentice after he failed to sell fried food to Glaswegians. “McAvan correctly identified that an easy-hold 10ml bottle would overcome this and have them on plain packs of Bensons before the year is out.”

“Johnny has already worked out that he can fit twelve different flavours and two of his favourite mods into his pencil case as long as he takes out all of those useless pens,” add Mrs Hip-Problem. “He’s delighted.”

We asked Gladys if she felt the ban on advertising was a step too far? “Absolutely not,” she replied. “Sure, he liked to look at the pictures and stuck them up on his wall, but it’s not like any of these kids can read anyways. Plus, there is such a demand for the illegal adverts that he’s selling them on eBay and using the money to buy more atomisers.”

Wingnut continues: “The genius of McAvan and her peers is that they also banned packs of ten cigs. They noticed that a kid with a small pack might finish them and quit – or, worse, have a couple of stingy mates poncing fags are bring about the quit attempt even sooner. By ensuring that kids moving up into smoking have to buy 20 smokes at a time will guarantee they stay coughing for longer and will always have one for the bus shelter.”

“In my professional opinion: I’ve not seen such thorough thinking since some ‘Swiss army knife of business skills’ stored calamari in the sun at the start of Series 11 of The Apprentice. Did you know I was in The Apprentice once? Would you like my autograph?”

“Me and Johnny are so thankful to that lovely Mr Cameron,” finished the mad mother. “Without him rubber-stamping the TPD it wouldn’t be happening. He knows that restricting the strength means kids won’t be put off by high-nic juices. He’s really brilliant, I’ve always trusted politicians who eat a hotdog with a knife and fork.”

And this is where Stealthvape comes in. We led the way with the introduction of the eight-day vaping week, we created sub & over-ohming – and we now bring you the fairest possible competition known to vapekind.

The problem, as we see it, all began with the move to change school sports days from having a competitive bent to ones where every child partakes in a series of dull events and everybody wins something. It has had serious ramifications for society at large and ended up with everyone being asked to clean for the Queen – with no prize at all. No Like & Share, no random draw video, no nothing except an online picture of Michael Gove wearing a safety hat (in case he gets hit by an errant empty packet of Walkers Crisps) and a front room full of bin bags.

Now, obviously, some people might be very appreciative of that alluring photo of Gove. We have no intention of judging them and their deviant preferences. What we are calling for is a more inclusive kind of giveaway format for vaping, that’s all. Preferably one not involving the Right Honorable Mike.

Many have expressed their dissatisfaction at competitions that discriminate against vapers who do not have a Facebook account. Others feel competitions run solely on Twitter count them out, as they do not have a Twitter account. Some have indicated that running a competition that doesn’t have a decent prize offends their sense of entitlement. We hear you all.

So here it is: The Great Stealthvape Competition. What’s up for grabs, we hear you clamour? What isn’t on the table more like! You want mods? You want atomisers? You want the world and everything in it? Game on!

First prize, out of a total of one prize, is everything ever made that is vaping related. Everything*. We’ve been diligently storing one of all the things ever made on a specially constructed artificial island three miles east of Sunderland. The boxes currently stand 142 feet high and cover 19 acres. It’s the best prize since Toyah presented a signed Top of the Pops album to the 1978 winner of Northamptonshire’s Young Miss Personality of the Year.

How do you win it?

In order to ensure fairness to people without certain social media accounts we will be doing this analogue style. First, write you name on an envelope and post it to David Cameron expressing your interest in being considered. Next, have a painting made of you vaping while standing next to the Pope at the British Superbikes round at Silverstone, and send it by carrier pigeon to Bob Carolgees. And the final of the three qualification events requires you to perform something enabling you to be listed in the 2017 Guinness Book of World Records. The time spent in a bath of baked beans looks the easiest. We anticipate many of you getting to this stage.

The next phase will determine our eventual winner. Stealthvape wants a real champion, and real champions know how to wield a sword. Or axe. Or anything really, just so long as you wield it. Wielding is good. The Deathmatch round will see our competitors whittled down from thousands to just one. One true vaping champion who can lay claim to the Isle of Vape prize.

*Terms and conditions apply

We want to turn those frowns upside down and see nothing but happy faces. There may be no “I” in Team but there is “Vagina Temp”, “Mega Van Pit” and  “Anti Amp Veg” in Team Vaping. So the question we posed ourselves was how we could get all the vapers in the world to come together, bond and think with a hive mind. And the answer is simple: The Stealthvape Corporate Fun Team-Building Activity Centre.

Located on the edge of the delightful Thurrock Business Park, our seven-story management event centre is all about idea showers, helicopter views, low hanging fruit and cascading information. Vapers can come and touch base offline or look under the bonnet of our interactive online strategic staircase. We don’t just have buzzwords, we have activities like:

• Get all your ducks in a row. Teams of vapers will endeavour, against the clock, to produce a 93-page report and give a presentation to one of us impersonating a public health expert. Bonus points will be awarded for the use of evidence-based proposals and accuracy of custard pie throwing.

• Put a record on and see who dances. We have all the records and an ample supply of alcohol. Drinking to excess, making a fool of yourself and laughing at each other the next morning has been a bonding method for centuries. The winning team will be the one who places the most stunt traffic cones on the artificial bus shelter.

• Run it up the flagpole. The outward-bound aspect to the course sees teams race against each other to be the first to traverse a route from Tilbury Docks, passed the sewage treatment works and finishing East Tilbury. Prizes will be earned by those who have contracted the fewest diseases; deaths count double.

In the space of a long weekend, groups of hitherto grumpy individuals bearing grudges for those who vape in a different manner will be transformed into shiny, smiley cohorts of thoroughly bonded chums.

Previous attendees commented in the book:

• “I never thought I could learn to love a clone user, but we’ve since been out for a number of dates and now we’re married.”
• “I used to throw rotten fruit at people I saw blowing clouds in the street – now I take them out for meals and free sex. Thank you Stealthvape Corporate Fun Team-Building Activity Centre!”
• “I remember thinking that everyone who bought boutique liquids was funny in the head. The team bonding activities really worked. I still think they’re not right in the head but I no longer leave bags of flaming excrement on their doorsteps. Cheers for everything.”

There you have it, the Stealthvape Corporate Fun Team-Building Activity Centre worked for them – it can work for you too.

In case you have been living on the Moon this week, the Chancellor of the Exchequer presented his budget to Parliament. Part of it entailed a tax on sugar in drinks, an annual fee to listen to Def Leopard’s Pour Some Sugar on Me and a pay-to-view charge for each time Evil Dead’s Ash asks for some sugar. Baby.

We know how this is going to pan out. First they wanted to limit our tanks, then they wanted to limit our juice bottles – and just around the corner you’ll only be able to vape during the weekends after lunchtime. Clearly, sugar users can face further restrictions on processed food, donuts and the sickly smile breakfast TV presenters use.

But we’ve been making plans for the bans and we’ve got dedication to beat the legislation. We’re ahead of the curve. For a starter, and most obviously, Fasttech will no doubt be launching cloned fizzy drinks. Get your carbonated fluid friends up to speed with ordering from the Far East. All they need to do is anticipate when they are going to be feeling thirsty and make sure they order three weeks before that point.

Such a process cries out for an implementation of the back-up to your back-up plan and an inventive soul will be busy beavering away making a bandolier that takes drink tins.

We also know that buying the components separately is key to circumvention. Oddly, the thing not carrying any surcharge as part of the sugar tax is, err, sugar. Probably, once public health experts realise that bags of it are more dangerous than nic base combined with live ammunition, it may be banned or restricted to single serving sachets. In the meantime, why not consider setting up a Drink Shop where the public can pop in to buy their own glass bottle, a bag of carbon dioxide, a vial of brown sludge and a bunch of sugar cane sticks.

You know what the response will be: “but I can’t be bothered to make my own drink.” Aha, you’ll reply using your juice knowledge, but you can make it yourself for pennies. Not just that but you can go on to add how much fun it is to wear plastic gloves, the ecstasy of measuring things with a syringe and how the whole family loves it when you fill the fridge with mixing products.

The trouble will come when people begin to try to take their homemade fizzy liquids onto planes or when bottles explode during the night. Welcome to our world, sugar lovers. Welcome to our world!

Death by Fire

Much has been made of li-ion batteries, which is a shame because they could be found in anything. It seems unfair that vaping has to share a danger with laptops, cellphones and torches. It might be better for current smokers to weigh up a more directly attributable issue.

So there you are happily making a new coil, gently threading in the wick and loading up with a juice that tastes so awesome it could have been made by angels. It’s something so enthralling that you utterly forget about the bread you placed into the toaster until the alarm shreds the focussed silence. Now you face one of two options: disable the fire alarm or ignore it, there are no alternatives. It doesn’t matter whether you opt for route one or two, either way it’s going to end up as an inferno and people being interviewed on television saying how you weren’t as bad as the others are making out.

Death by Ignorance

We all begin vaping without knowing everything, but then we get hooked into buying spares for our spares and within six months you need a shipping container for storage. Large collections mean a number of things: firstly, develop some good DIY skills. Shelves were made for books, picture frames and those things your sister-in-law gives you for Christmas.

A collapsing shelf is the least of the issues here. Collecting too many vape things leads to losing things. Not knowing where that reel of wire went leads to anger. Slipping on that reel (kindly placed on the stairs by a caring relative) results in a ten-foot slide, a trip to A&E and people being interviewed on television saying how you weren’t as bad as the others are making out.

Death by Groin

We were all smokers, the statistics say so. Those of us with decent hand-eye coordination also hold a driving licence. This means that a huge swathe of vapers have experienced the joy of a lit cigarette falling down between your legs while on the motorway. And it’s this experience, burned into the psyche and thighs everywhere, that stops us popping our mods between our legs when on the road.

And we can’t not vape as nothing says “I’m an awesome driver” more than someone peering through a windscreen surrounded by clouds. And because we don’t have anywhere decent to store a mod in the vehicle it teeters from where it was balanced, it shifts – it sends the drive-thru coffee groinwards. Against the backdrop of emergency lights, people are being interviewed on television saying how you were the kind of stupid that would Vote Trump.

Vaping isn’t safe, but then neither is living.

Then the spirit of progress arrived in the form of bulldozers, diggers and men. But then progress is awesome when you’re 8 years-old and allowed to do anything during the summer. We gave little thought to the grass being churned or them razing the beautiful dovecot to the ground because for kids scaffolding is like cake to members of the Women’s Institute. Not just any scaffolding, this was 1970’s scaffolding. This was the kind that didn’t have an impenetrable fence surround or daft signs telling you to go away. Daft signs compelling you to go vandalise a bus shelter instead – and this would have been really stupid as we’d already done that.

A new road and identikit houses rose from the rubble and mud. The stream steadily filled with old cement bags and then the village shop shut down. Something was going wrong with the world. It was becoming a greyer place. Adulthood beckoned with a life devoid of milk floats, rural bus services and frequent power cuts. I didn’t have a concept that this would become a preamble for a tale on the UK’s leading vaping spares company’s website at the time. When it took place I didn’t care about the future.

So there it is, an event from my life that I’ve now despatched to the Internet like Peter Kay tale of yore, but lacking in humour and no mention of lamb bhuna. That’s because we didn’t have them; if we wanted to go all fancy food then it was lasagne or a Sodastream. Damn, now I’m just a couple of references to Juliet Bravo and Crackerjack away from a full-on Kay routine.

Sharing. It’s nice to share, it has to be true because that’s what children are told. We don’t lie to kids. Imagine the misery that would exist in a small person if they had to eat an entire packet of Haribos all by themself. No, little ones prefer to feel a warm glow of contentment as a parent removes a fistful. Sharing stories or sharing sweets, it matters not – the world adores being involved in our lives.

And that is why joy is unbridled when it comes to like and share competitions on Facebook. Not only do you get to see what competitions are running you can count how many of your friends have already entered by the email notifications of being tagged in them.