We thought it might be so we contacted Jimmy Slaphead, Britain’s foremost expert on public health experts, a public health expert expert if you will. Jimmy studied public health experts at the University of Readingstuffonline and has published many papers on the subject.

“It’s true,” our public health expert expert told us. “There is frankly precious little in the research world about the possible impact public health experts have on our daily lives. It’s almost as if they are hiding something and being abetted by a secret society bent on concealing the truth.”

“The first thing that gave the game away for us was the total lack of warnings being given out by the media. Public health experts say things so stupid that reading it would drive people to try to crack their heads with a door – and yet this cause and effect relationship is never reported in the national media.”

“So, we approached several pharmaceutical companies for funding to look into the phenomena. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly if you understand what is going on, they refused. Each one. Even without having to do any further investigation it was clear that Big Pharma didn’t want this reporting.”

Slaphead’s team followed several public health experts on Twitter, and then recorded events taking place afterwards. The team set to work when Martin McKee made a daft statement about ecigs and drugs.

“Within seconds, my lead assistant released gas,” Jimmy said. “Then Jenny the office administrator guffed. Running outside and into the nearest public convenience, it was clear there was a major outbreak of wind.”

The team searched every scientific paper ever published yet not one offered up anything to say that Martin McKee’s stupidity wasn’t linked to public outbreaks of flatulence.

“We were shocked how deep it got. We carried on looking, running coffee-fuelled all-nighters.”

The next target was Stanton Glantz.

“Do you appreciate how many people in California suffer from piles because of the garbage this man spouts? We’ve no idea because there’s absolutely no information gathered on the topic. Nothing, Nada. Diddly squat. Yet again, we stumbled across something really important and the public are not being warned.”

Simon Chapman and ingrowing toenails, Mark Drakeford and outbreaks of halitosis; the list kept getting longer and longer. The indications were overwhelming; there is nothing to prove that listening to or reading the pronouncements of these experts is in any way safe.

“There’s no evidence to say there’s no link, there’s no proof of safety, so we are advocating that the only sensible measure anybody can take is to follow a strong precautionary principle approach: The only safe way forward is to ignore them all.”

Maybe you are a DIY fiend who adores making litres of juice at a time to feed your cloud habit? Maybe you have bags of wire and wick cluttering up the room? Perhaps you own a stack of devices but aren’t bothered about how they’re stored – you just need them out of the way quickly? Then how about the new Stealthvape non-acrylic bucket of heaven: Following months of design work we believe we’ve perfected something to provide instant benefit to the busy vape desk. Crafted from the finest eco-friendly zinc and fitted with a multi-positional handle to aid in relocating the storage container to different rooms, we are certain this will go down well with light to medium users.

But some vapers, especially those who have been vaping for a couple of years, will have built up a reasonably extensive collection. For them we offer up the Stealthvape Kickable Placement, or SKiP for short. In the SV SKiP you’ll find ample storage options for all but the most demanding of users. The SKiP also doubles up as a handy spare bedroom if the in-laws pop by to visit unexpectedly. Thinking green, as we always do, the SKiP is fully recyclable. Just waz it into your nearest blast furnace and it can be part of the new M1/A14 interchange – what could be more environmentally friendly than that?

Of course, a small number of you will look at the SKiP and say: “It’s good, it’s very good, but I may need more than one and that would be an inconvenience.” We hear what you’re saying. The Stealthvape Storage Hire Solutions Container will meet your expectations, surpass them and then fly round for a second go and surpass them even more. It was built with the acrylic car cup mod holder and the acrylic vape stand‘s in mind, and can accommodate them internally or externally in conjunction with some Stealthvape vape tables.

Although we do not support aftermarket uses such as the importation of illegal substances, weapon storage or the hiding of kidnap victims, many satisfied owners have discovered a plethora of alternative ways to maximise their enjoyment from the SVSHS Container – we know you’re going to adore using it.

Perhaps you won the lottery and rashly spent it all on vape gear? Maybe you have one single special device you’d like to focus on in a large empty space? Possibly you work for an intelligence service and need to vape in a location free of bugging devices? Perchance Brad Pitt is popping round for a vape, chat about his failed marriage and drink but the house is still awash with empty pizza boxes and used tissues? The ultimate in Stealthvape storage solutions is the easy to erect building. We designed it so just one man can fully assemble the structure (in two weeks with the aid of a team of workmen and some industrial equipment *not supplied).

Dear parents, pupils, staff and the visiting team from Ofsted,

Firstly, let me welcome you all to the start of the new year, one in which I hope you all go on to demonstrate higher levels of excellence compared to last year. While some might claim this is easy to achieve, I would like to point out that the deputy head (Mr Jenkins) is sticking to his story that the locked cupboard containing last year’s exam papers really did spontaneously combust – rendering all of Year 11 with unclassified grades. As he previously worked as a magician and children’s entertainer we defer to his expertise on such matters.

Our plans for the winter trip to France is in full swing, thanks to Mrs Ling (Geography and afterschool cap-wearing club). Students going on the educational excursion will be visiting the historic town of Calais. Accommodation will be in an assortment of three-star tents, rather excitingly described as being located “in a jungle”. Parents should allow £100 per child in spending money. They will be given an opportunity to go shopping for alcohol, cigarettes and flick knives on the Thursday afternoon. Children should remember that they will be representing us all during the trip and so vaping is not permitted.

The cricket 1^st XI will be pleased to hear that we have been able to repair the pavilion, accidentally razed to the ground following the record defeat to the Blaggers Borstal XI. We would like to remind parents that leaving batteries charging next to the propane tank is prohibited for future fixtures.

In a similar freak incident, eliquid making classes are experiencing disruption following an incident with several large jars of chlorine in the chemistry laboratory. I am sure the whole school joins me in sending best wishes to Mr Rathbone. We are willing you on to a speedy recovery; I hear they do amazing things with artificial lungs now.

Finally, I am going to take this opportunity to remind pupils that we would not have a school were it not for Stealthvape Ltd sponsoring the establishment. While desks and chairs made from Kanthal would not be our first choice, they are highly functional and very resistant to graffiti. Mr Knowles, our hard working and probably background-checked caretaker, is busy gluing packs of Muji and Cotton Bacon to the seats. We expect the work to be completed by the Easter break so grin and bear it until then.

Best regards,

The Head.

Dear Rt Hon Jeremy Hunt MP Secretary of State for Health,

Although we have not met or exchanged tips for finding Pokemons in town centres, I am sure we are going to become really good friends. I’ve heard that you’re super into politics and stuff – us too. Mainly ‘the stuff’ bit though tbh. Anyway, we are writing about something that the old Secretary of State didn’t understand very well, but we are sure you will love: vaping. What’s vaping? Hold on there, tiger, let’s cover something else first.

You know when you’d get a new girlfriend and you really wanted to impress her, but then you’d forget to sort something out as the life of a man is full of busy? So you’d pop by a graveyard or nearby petrol station and lift a bunch of flowers? And she’d be all, “Oh wow, Jeremy – these are super awesome”? Well think of vaping as a bunch of flowers.

By now your office staff chums will have made you aware of how big a sad sack that old Jeremy Hunt was, nowhere near as smashing as you. Trust us, he was even worse than they’re saying. He was like the PM’s ex-boyfriend. You are the new beau. Old Jeremy delivered nothing but heartache and probably never gave the old PM a neck rub. Teresa is waiting on flowers, lover-boy. She needs to be wooed and wowed.

This is the moment for you to flop out a bouquet of vape into her lap.

Just like the purloined plumes, the gift of vape you’ll be giving is entirely free. You see it’s quite simple, vaping will cost the government absolutely nothing – all you need to do is forget about that daft Article 20 of the Tobacco Products Directive because we aren’t going to be part of the EU. All the other women and men in suits are going to be busy with other things and won’t even notice. Just take the paperwork and leave it out with the empty departmental milk bottles.

All of a sudden, by doing nothing and spending no money, vaping equipment with continue to design in improvements and smoking rates will plummet. In turn, Britain gets healthier and happier – and happy vapers will spend more money on whatever it is that you party sell. As we said, we really get politics.

So many benefits from something that is 95% safer than smoking, Teresa may melt in your arms. What we reckon is that we should get together and sort this out over a jug of Sangria in Hooters. Next Thursday afternoon good for you?

Your new best mates, Stealthvape.

Vapers are being consigned to smoking shelters and denied the opportunity to vape elsewhere because of, what anti-vapers call, the precautionary principle. This means that until a person unnamed to their satisfaction declares vaping 100% safe people should avoid allowing its use. And employers have adopted that stance in view of the difficulty for them to discover the truth behind the science.

This means you have probably felt left out in the cold when it comes to decision-making, probably literally (except for this week). But Public Health England has given you a golden arrow for your quill.

“E-cigarette use is not covered by smoke-free legislation and should not routinely be included in the requirements of an organisation’s smoke-free policy. Vapers should not be required to use the same space as smokers, as this could undermine their ability to quit and stay smoke-free,” write the PHE in their guidance for employers.

If you are currently being forced into the smoking shed against your wishes then you might wish to draw the boss’ attention to: “E-cigarette use does not meet the legal or clinical definitions of smoking . . . Furthermore, international peer-reviewed evidence suggests that e-cigarettes carry a fraction of the risk of cigarettes and have the potential to help drive down smoking rates, denormalise smoking and improve public health. So policies need to be clear on the differences between vaping and smoking.”

In advocating that British employers set up separate spaces for vapers to vape in, they say: “To maximise the number of smokers switching to e-cigarettes, vaping should be made a more convenient, as well as safer, option.”

The guidance also suggests that employers take note of the fact that vaping delivers less nicotine and therefore vapers need to vape more often than a smoker needs a cigarette. Users should be allowed extra breaks for the “frequent interim top-ups” they need, the advice says.

Commenting on the release, ECITA’s Tom Pruen said: “The guidance from Public Health England is pragmatic and sensible, and if adopted by employers will help them to better provide for the health and well-being of their staff. Allowing the use of e-cigs will benefit not just the physical health of their employees, but also boost morale and job satisfaction as well as encouraging more existing smokers to switch to the safer alternative of vaping. The guidance from PHE is another recognition of the potential for e-cigs to offer huge improvements to public health.”

We can’t guarantee that your line manager will accept the points being put over by Public Health England but it can’t hurt to print out the full position statement and discuss it with them.

So pop on your copy of War by Edwin Starr. Or Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Or any of the legion of other people who have tried their hardest to destroy an absolute classic. Pop it on, draw a peace symbol on your chest and run around in the sunshine until you feel the need for beer. This should be in around 42 seconds if our exhaustive testing was anything to go by.

Yes – 1-2-3-4 – we’re going to have a vape war. Doesn’t it make sense to use technology we already have in order to defeat dippy despots and mad mass murderers around the globe? Considering the vape revolution transformed the nation and the NHS’ attitude to quit campaigns it seems only logical that we don our Che Guevara shirts and put the revolting into armed conflict too.

Vapers for The UK may sound a bit too Farage for some people’s tastes but “no, no, let us finish”. Stealthvape proposes the creation of a national vaping defence network. During a time of heightened threat, the government can send taxis round to your house and drop you all off at strategic points around the British coastline. As Muhammad Ali once said: “His hands can’t hit what his eyes can’t see.”

At the sound of a klaxon (it will probably be a klaxon even though we’d suggest blaring out The Birdie Song by The Tweet), the 2.8 million Vapers for The UK will exhale. Instantly the country will be transformed to a spooky Victorian scene featuring The Chocolate Cream Poisoner or Jack the Ripper. An impenetrable fug will linger around and over the sovereign state and any incoming airborne device will have to divert to another target instead – just like Ryanair does when it drizzles.

“Huzzah” will bellow the nation’s young as they throw their caps and satchels into the air with delight. And then begins Phase 2, so far at absolutely no cost to the public beyond the cab fares. Actually, we might need to rethink this bit as black cabs cost a mint. Perhaps we should simply Uber everyone about?

Now’s the time to send vapers out on the attack but, like with all war, we will place the most expendable on the front line. Seasoned vapers are too valuable to lose, instead we will give DIY sub-ohm kits to a selection of estate agents, car park ticket inspectors and celebrity chefs. Parachuting them into the hostile zones with nothing more than a brief coiling diagram, their job will be to build a competition standard cloud chucking device. They will not have access to ohmmeters due to Forces cutbacks. BOOM! Those who’d seek to attack Blighty won’t know what hit ’em. Nor will the brave estate agents, car park ticket inspectors and celebrity chefs who will be remembered through a statue erected in Wellingborough town centre.

For those of us left behind, NHS Quit programs will be transformed into places teaching self-defence techniques using heavy mods to inflict blunt force trauma. Should anybody manage to make it through the cloudbank to Kent or Norfolk will be in for a nasty surprise. But then that’s probably the case normally so we aren’t sure why we’re bothering. Finally, the ultimate deterrent, sponsorship of annoying YouTube reviews to put people off coming to attack us in the first place.

We will update you with further plans if the Ministry of Defence accepts our brilliant ideas.

It wasn’t easy being Gavin. For starters he would rather be fishing and on permanent gardening leave, and then he really didn’t like people either. Not the best qualifications for a customer-facing enterprise. That said, after he’d waved goodbye to the machine shop he’d made a proper fist of it. Jayne was proud. Lads like it when their Mums are proud.

From a small market stall selling CE4s and juice that could strip walls, the pair of them had built up a respectable business with long hours and skipped meals. They’d seen the pioneers, the hobbyists and the curious. From a range that could be held in a hand they now presented expensive rack upon rack of devices for all tastes. Likewise, the budget juices had been augmented with all manner of fancy bottled and labelled selection from home and abroad.

Gavin had learnt how to employ people. First of all he employed his mates who vaped his stock, then he took on some young people who preferred to stay in bed or borrow from the till before he settled upon the lovely cross-section who now run the store while he does battle with tax returns and insurance quotes. And still has to skip meals.

It’d been a journey not unlike currently trying to get from Dover to France: frustration and annoyance tempered with the knowledge that this was all a learning experience. The destination would make it worthwhile.

And then there was the satisfaction that came from what the whole thing was all about. Some businesses make their money from ripping off the NHS for medicines, others manufacture the deaths of innocent people – Jayne and Gavin sold a healthier alternative to smoking and helped people quit. They gave advice to the young and old, the fit and the informed. The pair of them slept well at night because lives were being saved, staff had money in their pockets and someone at HMRC was rolling around on a fat wad of their cash.

What never ceased to amaze Gavin was the public. There was something special about the loyalty they displayed to his shop. They’d drop in for juice, a new treat, but mainly just for a chat. And they’d be unpaid sales assistants, always willing to give advice to those coming in looking to make the switch. Always chipper, always enthusiastic about vaping.

The new law looks set to change things for small vape business owners over the next twelve months. Challenges being presented are set to be a barrier too high for many. Jayne had noted announcements on a forum with sadness, of juice makers and stores closing up. “Maybe things will be OK,” she’d tell her lad. “We’re vapers – we don’t just quit unless it’s the smokes.”

There are hundreds of Gavin and Jaynes across the country. Vape manufacturers and retailers of Britain, we salute you.

We could begin with the simple targets. It goes without saying that traffic wardens, tax inspectors, investment bankers and politicians could rescue kittens from burning buildings and still stand by the smouldering door being pelted with an assortment of rotten fruit and insults. But still, a poster campaign might work – this is post-TPD legal. An image of our four hate figures could be set against a slogan of “Maybe they’d be better people if they vaped?”

This doesn’t work too well if we are trying to convince parking officials, tax inspectors, investment bankers and politicians that vapers are awesome but do we care for their respect? It is also possible that some of our customers are currently traffic wardens, tax inspectors, investment bankers or politicians. This isn’t an attack on you; you are vapers first and annoying occupation second.

But there are others.

Monday morning always brings a slew of hilarious “Oh joy is me, it’s work again” jpg files on social media. With all the humour of a Garfield cartoon or a trip to the piles doctor, we all know it’s Monday. We’re currently reading your update because, like you, none of us want to be in work and we were trying to forget about being here for ten minutes. Thanks. Reality just came crashing through the screen.

It’s tricky to include these folks in a pro-vaping campaign and, some might say, they are very lucky to have a job. I was once employed by a large fast food chain to clear excrement and urine from the toilet floor. It’s not going to be easy to use the multitude of shortsighted or poor-aiming burger eaters either; I imagine very few of us have suffered them.

How about unsolicited door knockers? After guffawing at a Monday image on Facebook our door went and there stood a builder touting solutions to an invisible problem, full of promise of combining high cost with low quality. Then came a young woman attempting to interest me in replacing my 2yr-old UPVC double-glazing with brand new UPVC double-glazing. Then someone wanted the clothes off my back to help a helicopter or children or Bono, I lost interest quickly. Knockers on doors would be brilliant at deflecting some of the animosity aimed at vaping.

But if we are thinking about cold calls: what about telemarketers? Why did an Internet service provider call me while I was still in bed? Why were they trying to sell me some of their honest-to-goodness Yorkshire broadbands before I’d had a coffee? And how did they achieve that when I’m meant to be X-directory?

Maybe we should skip the posters and concentrate on the personal. Each time someone voices dissatisfaction with vaping simply say to them: “Aha, but at least I don’t work for BT Customer Service”. This approach even applies to those who actually work for BT Customer Service; they’re already good at fibbing.

Just over a week ago, in the House of Lords, Tory Viscount Ridley sprung a debate on his fellow peers and there was almost universal cross-parrty condemnation of Article 20 of the TPD. Following on from this this, at the eleventh hour, vapers and vape companies had been thrown a lifeline. Tory Lord Callanan has tabled a motion demanding that Article 20 “be annulled on the grounds that its restrictions on product choice and advertising of vaping devices were devised before evidence had accumulated that vaping was enabling many people to quit smoking, run counter to advice from the Royal College of Physicians to promote vaping and are so severe that they could force vapers back to smoking and create a black market with harmful products.”

We believe that responsible self-regulation in the vape market has helped small businesses like ours to grow, and while we acknowledge some regulation is necessary Article 20 is not it. It is our opinion that reputable small companies are facing a grim future, jobs will be lost, tobacco & pharmaceutical companies are being given free reign and vapers are having their choices limited for reasons not based in logic or sound science.

We fully support the petition that has been created on Change.org in order to demonstrate the strength of feeling within the vape community that welcomes the Conservative peer’s call for Article 20 to be rescinded.

We strongly encourage our customers to support this petition (that gained over 20,000 signatures in the first 12 hours). Yes, we all have a bit of petition fatigue but given the mood of the House of Lords this one really does have some traction. This petition doesn’t need to be signed by vapers – friends and family can lend their names. Or maybe you know someone who would just like to upset David Cameron? Or someone who would like to stick it to Europe? Every name will help to sway wavering peers.

Some vapers are choosing to share it on social media using the hashtag #LordsVapeVote, which is good for raising awareness but ageing members of the upper house aren’t known for their grasp of modern technology. Harm reduction expert Gerry Stimson has suggested writing directly to individual Lords using the TheyWorkForYou website.

Please join us in this huge, coordinated push to overturn an unjust, ill-considered and impractical law. Support common sense and join us in signing the petition 🙂

https://www.change.org/p/david-cameron-mp-support-parliamentary-moves-to-block-crazy-e-cigarette-regulations

It could get really, well, you know, dull. Once you’ve built a fort out of used fifty pound notes during your working hours there’s precious little else to hold your attention. Except building a bigger fort. The staff of BDI lived with the knowledge that their foreign holidays were courtesy of the painful suffering of smokers but it had all gone stale as sales waned.

Once upon a time they would all go to see cars drive around in circles, to see which car was the best at going round in circles that week. The cars were sexy. Black and gold, red and white – sexy, sexy cars surrounded by sexy men and women. Death was incredibly sexy.

But that was in the past when real blokes sported fantastic sideburns. The present was all about plain green packets and an inability to tell anybody about how their cancer canes tasted so much better than the ones made by American Tar Baccy Ltd. No one went into the Marketing Department these days; it was like asking someone how they were feeling only for them to actually tell you.

Aneka dropped a pack of fivers on the floor as Rashid’s pen slipped and made it look like all cease and desist letters had been victims of their own advice. What in the 9 circles of Hell was that infernal din? It sounded like salsa. It was. It was the same noise that comes from a village hall full of overweight middle-aged women trying to slim the fun way.

Pushing the marketing door ajar and avoiding the falling cobwebs, Sven exclaimed: “What the hell are you doing? Stop it. Stop it now.”

As the music pounded, Oliver rubbed himself against the office curtains. This would have constituted abnormal behaviour at the best of times, but seeing as Oliver was naked bar a liberal covering of NowthatsprobablynotbbutterbutIreallycanttell it verged on the obscene.

“I’m celebrating,” explained the naked self-emulsified entity busy frotting against every item of office furniture.

The office staff were fully aware that there was always the potential for something like this to happen given that Oliver previously worked for Tory Central Office. “It’s the Tobacco Products Directive – we’ve won! Happy days are here again!” Oh happy days. Oliver left Rashid’s shirt translucent following an exuberant hug.

“We’ve bloody won! They’ve given us the entire vape market. In-store displays at point of sale, instruction videos with glamorous presenters – we can do the bloody lot and only we can afford the ridiculous documentation process. I have a purpose in life once more!”

Then Oliver’s eyes fell on a copy of the Daily Mirror: “45,684 supporters have signed a petition supporting the Lord’s motion”.

“Oh shit,” Oliver whimpered. The music died immediately after the marketing office door click shut. Akeka picked up the £5 notes and threw them in the bin. It wasn’t quite a normal day in the offices of British Deathsticks Incorporated.

Please sign the petition.

#LordsVapeVote