Author Archives: Rob Ellard

Chemicals

The average cigarette contains over 5,000 chemicals including ammonia, arsenic, tar, napalm, nerve gas, asparagus, cardboard, gravel, members of My Chemical Romance, small rodents and roll-on deodorant.

By contrast, eliquid contains just seven ingredients: vegetable glycerin, propylene glycol, water, unconditional love, sloppy kisses, custard and essence of pizza.

Safety

While Public Health England believe vaping to be at least 95% safer than smoking, research carried out by top boffins at the Dog & Duck, Wellingborough, proves that the precise figure is 102.3% safer.

The list of common daily activities that vaping is now officially safer than includes: gargling concentrated sulphuric acid, attempting to discuss Brexit on social media, living in the Big Brother house, a two-week summer holiday in Syria, suggesting the mother-in-law does not come to visit and a Black Friday sale in Asda.

Choice

There are now more flavours, atomisers and mods than actual vapers. If you were to try every combination it would be quicker to circumnavigate VY Canis Majoris. But cooler.

In our experience this also acts as a great deterrent for teens. On any given evening, providing a teen with a choice of what they want for supper is often met with huffs and sulks because that list didn’t include McBurgers. Teens hate choice therefore teens will be driven away from wanting to vape.

Social

Although it ‘s been estimated that there are about 2.8-million vapers in the UK, actually figures we’ve made up reveal there are actually 56 million. We can exclusively reveal that the only reason Martin McKee, Stanton Glantz and Simon Chapman bang on about vaping dangers is to force a price drop so they can boost their personal collections.

Smokers who quit for vaping have discovered a vibrant social community. The typical number of friends gained is approximately 52. Some new vapers have experienced such problems with gaining new chums that they have had to take out personal loans to afford the freshly extended Christmas card list. Vapers are very, very popular.

Money

Everybody knows that vaping is cheaper than smoking, but what people don’t appreciate is exactly how much cheaper. The average smoker now spends more a week on their tobacco habit than an addict spends on crystal meth. By contrast, vaping equipment has plummeted in cost so it’s now as cheap as a “model” on a TV reality show. Plus, all the old models of devices that people use will be snapped up in the future at auction by rich collectors. Vaping is like the new stamps.

Oh yes, these are the facts.

Not allowed to vape at a sports venue? Banned from having a quick blast at work? No longer thanks to Stealthvape’s body augmented vaping designs. With the flip of a subcutaneous switch, located a finger-press away on your palm, vaping will be part and parcel of breathing – and this isn’t something they can throw you off the 9:15 from Bristol Temple Meads for.

Some might say, “That looks painful”. Others might add, “That looks expensive”. While both of those points of view are very true, just think of the benefits.

By incorporating vaping equipment into body tissue means that you never need to buy a battery again. Charging takes place through the harnessing of mitochondrial energy – never has there been a better reason to eat a curry.

Whether the juice is supplied though an external pack or accommodated within a buttock is wholly up to you. Maybe there is another part of the body you’d like to extend to hold a long 30ml bottle? We can modify to suit thanks to Stealthvape’s top bank of plastic surgeon specialists.

Hang on, you’re thinking, how can I adjust the vape? The one thing you don’t have to worry about is another operation. All settings will be controlled through a handy downloadable phone app.

The settings can be adjusted from cloud blowing, high enough that you could hire yourself out to nightclubs and rock festivals, all the way down to accommodating vape-free vaping. It will now be possible for you to gain a nic-fix in court, A&E or while flying a 757 (even if you give the impression you’re in training for a sucker fish lookalike competition).

It doesn’t stop there. Joy of joys, the phone app interface allows users to virtually vape at work. That’s correct – no vape vaping. A slide of a finger sends a virtual plume of vape out on the screen, totally obscuring that annoying person in your meeting (because doing it for reals would cause a kerfuffle).

Clearly, there are further advantages to adamantium vape augmentation. Being the stuff of superheroes is no longer the preserve of comics as vapers can elect to have the Platinum package installed, which includes Wolverine-like bones and optional claws – useful for fighting crime AND cutting cotton wicks to size.

Needless to say this is going to be exceptionally popular and so we suggest getting your name on the waiting list as soon as possible. The future is augmented body vaping, and the future is (as some American chap used to say) now.

Images – Fernando Vicente
 

Dear parents, pupils, staff and the visiting team from Ofsted,

Firstly, let me welcome you all to the start of the new year, one in which I hope you all go on to demonstrate higher levels of excellence compared to last year. While some might claim this is easy to achieve, I would like to point out that the deputy head (Mr Jenkins) is sticking to his story that the locked cupboard containing last year’s exam papers really did spontaneously combust – rendering all of Year 11 with unclassified grades. As he previously worked as a magician and children’s entertainer we defer to his expertise on such matters.

Our plans for the winter trip to France is in full swing, thanks to Mrs Ling (Geography and afterschool cap-wearing club). Students going on the educational excursion will be visiting the historic town of Calais. Accommodation will be in an assortment of three-star tents, rather excitingly described as being located “in a jungle”. Parents should allow £100 per child in spending money. They will be given an opportunity to go shopping for alcohol, cigarettes and flick knives on the Thursday afternoon. Children should remember that they will be representing us all during the trip and so vaping is not permitted.

The cricket 1^st XI will be pleased to hear that we have been able to repair the pavilion, accidentally razed to the ground following the record defeat to the Blaggers Borstal XI. We would like to remind parents that leaving batteries charging next to the propane tank is prohibited for future fixtures.

In a similar freak incident, eliquid making classes are experiencing disruption following an incident with several large jars of chlorine in the chemistry laboratory. I am sure the whole school joins me in sending best wishes to Mr Rathbone. We are willing you on to a speedy recovery; I hear they do amazing things with artificial lungs now.

Finally, I am going to take this opportunity to remind pupils that we would not have a school were it not for Stealthvape Ltd sponsoring the establishment. While desks and chairs made from Kanthal would not be our first choice, they are highly functional and very resistant to graffiti. Mr Knowles, our hard working and probably background-checked caretaker, is busy gluing packs of Muji and Cotton Bacon to the seats. We expect the work to be completed by the Easter break so grin and bear it until then.

Best regards,

The Head.

Vapers love vaping, and that’s more of a fact than anything Donald Trump has ever claimed to be a fact. Ecig owners share pictures of their equipment more frequently than sexual deviants on specialist forums. But like holidaymakers at a naturist campsite, it’s time to get it all out in the open.

Imagine the scene, there are only days remaining before the country indulges itself in its favourite bank holiday pastime – arguing in a stationary car on a motorway while rain gently obscures everything from existence. But instead of not quite getting to the seaside or the Chessington World of Soft Leather Furnishings next year, why not come and almost visit Stealthvape’s Vape Museum of Vaping (for vapers)?

Clearly, as this is just another in a long list a ridiculous ideas we concocted on the back of a beer mat, this doesn’t actually exist yet – but it will. It doesn’t matter either way, as the road network will put pay to any plans of actually arriving. As the hours gently roll by while you wait for the BMW driver to get back into his car and move forward three inches, punctuate the back seat bickering by regaling tales of the wonders waiting inside the SVMoF(FV).

Marvel at the wall of CE4 atomisers. It’s like a hall of mirrors but not quite as much fun. Make sure you give yourself enough time to take in the full glory of the presentation that will speak to your soul. It will say something like “why am I standing here staring at this nonsense?” But you, being a vaper, will reply out loud: “This is our history, this is where we come from – this is like gazing into the Big Bang. Only with slightly less background radiation.” We promise to move that lump of uranium out of the building as soon as possible.

Moving through to the Room of Debate, wonder at the table in the centre of the room. Seated around it is a group of performance artists, recreating the great online clone vs. original debates. Over the years, marvellous constructs of logic have been used to convey deeply held beliefs. We felt it would be a terrible shame for them to be lost in time. Keep a special eye out for the purist in the corner who is ignoring everybody because he is better than the others. Do not try to talk to him, he will snub you.

Then, after signing the disclaimer, enter Short-circuit land. Picture the glee plastered all over the faces of your little ones as they gawk upon a person desperately trying to have a vape – but failing. Doesn’t he realise his mod has automatically cut out? No, no he does not. Oh the hilarity, oh the family bonding that will result from shared mirth. *If you do not have little ones of your own we have a range available for rent at very affordable prices.

All this and more, the SVMoF(FV) promises to be probably the greatest thing you will ever visit. Better than a Little Chef all-day breakfast, more fun than watching rain drops coalesce on a window – it will change the lives of all who come.

Firstly, welcome back the 70s with some big hair. Resembling Cousin Itt might have gone out of fashion in the Noughties but the possession of a personal, portable hide can’t be overstated. Onlookers will take you for a shop display or a part of a hilarious Channel 4 comedy show instead of a vaper. Balding gents might wish to consider a luxurious wig – or maybe cultivate a large beard to comb backwards.

Fancy dress offers many possibilities, especially full animal suits. Not only does this offer you the potential to vape wherever you please but you are guaranteed to be a hit with stag and hen parties.

Stealth seekers ought to consider a full-face helmet. They are an absolute boon for the vaper who wishes to live on the edge but remain under the radar. Open visor, inhale, close visor, exhale – it really is that simple although we’d have to say that if your day-to-day job is astronaut then opening the visor is carried out at your own risk.

Camouflage can be a simple thing to pick up for beginners. Think about the colour of vape and match it to the background. If you stick to vaping by white walls, in chalk quarries or at a Donald Trump rally then nobody will notice you. The last suggestion isn’t advisable for Mexicans.

Vaping in clouds would be ideal but currently only applies to creative pilots, but it highlights the notion of “Location, location, location”. Stuck in town? Need a quick vape? Pop into a cheesy disco billowing clouds from a machine. Failing this, a prompt career change to become a hillside farmer tending sheep means you’ll spend your days surrounded by mini land-based portable clouds. For those stuck in cities the same effect might be possible by becoming a poodle walking service.

To avoid any cost, why not consider just changing your routine? Become a Goth, a vampire or a road repair worker (these are not mutually exclusive) and live life to the fullest at night. Vaping will be a cinch in the dark although it does present problems if you need to fill a tank or fit a new coil.

Finally, you could learn to do magic really well like Gandalf or Harry Potter. There must be some kind of spell to make vape clouds invisible. Plus, being a bit Gandalf has an added advantage – big beards. Combine this with camouflage, a full-face helmet and dog walking in a disco and no one will look at you twice. Job done.

Please feel free to share your success stories with us on our Facebook page.

“Oh, you can’t vape there,” they say. Then, when you move to somewhere else for a quick puff, you won’t be able to vape over there either. Sort yourselves out, public health experts, we say. But they won’t. You know it, we know it, everybody knows it. And that’s where our genius idea comes into play.

We spent valuable time away from playing Fallout 4 to discover if anybody has ownership of space – and it turns out they don’t. Consequently, nobody can tell you what or where you can or can’t vape in space. You want to vape with big clouds? Space. You want to vape while watching a film and eating pizza? Space. It’s the answer to everything.

Unfortunately no agency is currently renting out a decent space station. Surprising but true. And so we are announcing our very first fundraising page for the Stealthvape Vape Space Station project; it’s a place for vapers to vape in peace – after all, no one can hear you scream up there (when you burn a finger on a hot coil).

As we say on our Gofundyourself page: “They can take our vape away on Earth, but they’ll never be able to stop us in space. Yes, space – you read that right. It may be full of aliens, the Borg and the Empire but we will all be able to vape freely on the Stealthvape Vape Space Station.

Oh, yeh, it means a lot to us and stuff and thank you.”

Some people may not like the idea of contributing to a page where they have to give us money without a guarantee of the project literally taking off. We say to them – when have we ever let you down in the past? Seriously, we’ve never run a Givememoneyfornothing page before so we have a 100% record of not letting people down. Plus, with our history of making space-related mods and atomisers leaves us uniquely positioned to take this project from stupid idea to glorious success.

The first round of fund raising will be used for a fact-finding tour of space centres located near to sunny beaches. It will be here that the final touches will be applied to the design. Currently we anticipate it being a cross between the space section of Westworld and the power core from Event Horizon – only with fewer glitches.

Send us all of your monies so we can make one giant leap for vapekind.

Maybe you are a DIY fiend who adores making litres of juice at a time to feed your cloud habit? Maybe you have bags of wire and wick cluttering up the room? Perhaps you own a stack of devices but aren’t bothered about how they’re stored – you just need them out of the way quickly? Then how about the new Stealthvape non-acrylic bucket of heaven: Following months of design work we believe we’ve perfected something to provide instant benefit to the busy vape desk. Crafted from the finest eco-friendly zinc and fitted with a multi-positional handle to aid in relocating the storage container to different rooms, we are certain this will go down well with light to medium users.

But some vapers, especially those who have been vaping for a couple of years, will have built up a reasonably extensive collection. For them we offer up the Stealthvape Kickable Placement, or SKiP for short. In the SV SKiP you’ll find ample storage options for all but the most demanding of users. The SKiP also doubles up as a handy spare bedroom if the in-laws pop by to visit unexpectedly. Thinking green, as we always do, the SKiP is fully recyclable. Just waz it into your nearest blast furnace and it can be part of the new M1/A14 interchange – what could be more environmentally friendly than that?

Of course, a small number of you will look at the SKiP and say: “It’s good, it’s very good, but I may need more than one and that would be an inconvenience.” We hear what you’re saying. The Stealthvape Storage Hire Solutions Container will meet your expectations, surpass them and then fly round for a second go and surpass them even more. It was built with the acrylic car cup mod holder and the acrylic vape stand‘s in mind, and can accommodate them internally or externally in conjunction with some Stealthvape vape tables.

Although we do not support aftermarket uses such as the importation of illegal substances, weapon storage or the hiding of kidnap victims, many satisfied owners have discovered a plethora of alternative ways to maximise their enjoyment from the SVSHS Container – we know you’re going to adore using it.

Perhaps you won the lottery and rashly spent it all on vape gear? Maybe you have one single special device you’d like to focus on in a large empty space? Possibly you work for an intelligence service and need to vape in a location free of bugging devices? Perchance Brad Pitt is popping round for a vape, chat about his failed marriage and drink but the house is still awash with empty pizza boxes and used tissues? The ultimate in Stealthvape storage solutions is the easy to erect building. We designed it so just one man can fully assemble the structure (in two weeks with the aid of a team of workmen and some industrial equipment *not supplied).

We thought it might be so we contacted Jimmy Slaphead, Britain’s foremost expert on public health experts, a public health expert expert if you will. Jimmy studied public health experts at the University of Readingstuffonline and has published many papers on the subject.

“It’s true,” our public health expert expert told us. “There is frankly precious little in the research world about the possible impact public health experts have on our daily lives. It’s almost as if they are hiding something and being abetted by a secret society bent on concealing the truth.”

“The first thing that gave the game away for us was the total lack of warnings being given out by the media. Public health experts say things so stupid that reading it would drive people to try to crack their heads with a door – and yet this cause and effect relationship is never reported in the national media.”

“So, we approached several pharmaceutical companies for funding to look into the phenomena. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly if you understand what is going on, they refused. Each one. Even without having to do any further investigation it was clear that Big Pharma didn’t want this reporting.”

Slaphead’s team followed several public health experts on Twitter, and then recorded events taking place afterwards. The team set to work when Martin McKee made a daft statement about ecigs and drugs.

“Within seconds, my lead assistant released gas,” Jimmy said. “Then Jenny the office administrator guffed. Running outside and into the nearest public convenience, it was clear there was a major outbreak of wind.”

The team searched every scientific paper ever published yet not one offered up anything to say that Martin McKee’s stupidity wasn’t linked to public outbreaks of flatulence.

“We were shocked how deep it got. We carried on looking, running coffee-fuelled all-nighters.”

The next target was Stanton Glantz.

“Do you appreciate how many people in California suffer from piles because of the garbage this man spouts? We’ve no idea because there’s absolutely no information gathered on the topic. Nothing, Nada. Diddly squat. Yet again, we stumbled across something really important and the public are not being warned.”

Simon Chapman and ingrowing toenails, Mark Drakeford and outbreaks of halitosis; the list kept getting longer and longer. The indications were overwhelming; there is nothing to prove that listening to or reading the pronouncements of these experts is in any way safe.

“There’s no evidence to say there’s no link, there’s no proof of safety, so we are advocating that the only sensible measure anybody can take is to follow a strong precautionary principle approach: The only safe way forward is to ignore them all.”

It wasn’t easy being Gavin. For starters he would rather be fishing and on permanent gardening leave, and then he really didn’t like people either. Not the best qualifications for a customer-facing enterprise. That said, after he’d waved goodbye to the machine shop he’d made a proper fist of it. Jayne was proud. Lads like it when their Mums are proud.

From a small market stall selling CE4s and juice that could strip walls, the pair of them had built up a respectable business with long hours and skipped meals. They’d seen the pioneers, the hobbyists and the curious. From a range that could be held in a hand they now presented expensive rack upon rack of devices for all tastes. Likewise, the budget juices had been augmented with all manner of fancy bottled and labelled selection from home and abroad.

Gavin had learnt how to employ people. First of all he employed his mates who vaped his stock, then he took on some young people who preferred to stay in bed or borrow from the till before he settled upon the lovely cross-section who now run the store while he does battle with tax returns and insurance quotes. And still has to skip meals.

It’d been a journey not unlike currently trying to get from Dover to France: frustration and annoyance tempered with the knowledge that this was all a learning experience. The destination would make it worthwhile.

And then there was the satisfaction that came from what the whole thing was all about. Some businesses make their money from ripping off the NHS for medicines, others manufacture the deaths of innocent people – Jayne and Gavin sold a healthier alternative to smoking and helped people quit. They gave advice to the young and old, the fit and the informed. The pair of them slept well at night because lives were being saved, staff had money in their pockets and someone at HMRC was rolling around on a fat wad of their cash.

What never ceased to amaze Gavin was the public. There was something special about the loyalty they displayed to his shop. They’d drop in for juice, a new treat, but mainly just for a chat. And they’d be unpaid sales assistants, always willing to give advice to those coming in looking to make the switch. Always chipper, always enthusiastic about vaping.

The new law looks set to change things for small vape business owners over the next twelve months. Challenges being presented are set to be a barrier too high for many. Jayne had noted announcements on a forum with sadness, of juice makers and stores closing up. “Maybe things will be OK,” she’d tell her lad. “We’re vapers – we don’t just quit unless it’s the smokes.”

There are hundreds of Gavin and Jaynes across the country. Vape manufacturers and retailers of Britain, we salute you.

We could begin with the simple targets. It goes without saying that traffic wardens, tax inspectors, investment bankers and politicians could rescue kittens from burning buildings and still stand by the smouldering door being pelted with an assortment of rotten fruit and insults. But still, a poster campaign might work – this is post-TPD legal. An image of our four hate figures could be set against a slogan of “Maybe they’d be better people if they vaped?”

This doesn’t work too well if we are trying to convince parking officials, tax inspectors, investment bankers and politicians that vapers are awesome but do we care for their respect? It is also possible that some of our customers are currently traffic wardens, tax inspectors, investment bankers or politicians. This isn’t an attack on you; you are vapers first and annoying occupation second.

But there are others.

Monday morning always brings a slew of hilarious “Oh joy is me, it’s work again” jpg files on social media. With all the humour of a Garfield cartoon or a trip to the piles doctor, we all know it’s Monday. We’re currently reading your update because, like you, none of us want to be in work and we were trying to forget about being here for ten minutes. Thanks. Reality just came crashing through the screen.

It’s tricky to include these folks in a pro-vaping campaign and, some might say, they are very lucky to have a job. I was once employed by a large fast food chain to clear excrement and urine from the toilet floor. It’s not going to be easy to use the multitude of shortsighted or poor-aiming burger eaters either; I imagine very few of us have suffered them.

How about unsolicited door knockers? After guffawing at a Monday image on Facebook our door went and there stood a builder touting solutions to an invisible problem, full of promise of combining high cost with low quality. Then came a young woman attempting to interest me in replacing my 2yr-old UPVC double-glazing with brand new UPVC double-glazing. Then someone wanted the clothes off my back to help a helicopter or children or Bono, I lost interest quickly. Knockers on doors would be brilliant at deflecting some of the animosity aimed at vaping.

But if we are thinking about cold calls: what about telemarketers? Why did an Internet service provider call me while I was still in bed? Why were they trying to sell me some of their honest-to-goodness Yorkshire broadbands before I’d had a coffee? And how did they achieve that when I’m meant to be X-directory?

Maybe we should skip the posters and concentrate on the personal. Each time someone voices dissatisfaction with vaping simply say to them: “Aha, but at least I don’t work for BT Customer Service”. This approach even applies to those who actually work for BT Customer Service; they’re already good at fibbing.