Author Archives: Rob Ellard

It’s festive but done properly, just like in the good old days when you could say the word “Christmas”, families bonded over power cuts and all the children had rickets. It’s all brought to you by Stealthvape Television, the only subscription channel based in and available to Cantelupe Road in Bexhill on Sea.

If you aren’t already a customer of SVTV then the Christmas edition of the SVTVR&TVT is bound to wet your whistle – quality programming not seen since Love Thy Neighbour and Robin’s Nest were on ITV.

9am: Nobody normal is up yet so we’re sticking on Noel Edmonds for two hours. He’s dead cheap now because no other channel will touch him. We told him a mod and atty can cure smoking-related cancer and he signed immediately. No idea what he’s doing, we told him to make it juicy.

11am: Early Morning Service. People who don’t believe in religion will be cramming into a Bexhill church to praise the Lord for vaping and to get their faces on television.

12pm: Kylie’s Crackers. The real Kylie may be on Sky but we’ve got Kylie Jenkins from CostCo coming in to show us how to pull a cracker at Christmas using nothing but charm and a lot of Bacardi Breezers.

1pm: The Queen. That’s correct, you read it. We’ve got The Queen a full two hours before she’s on BBC1 doing a warm-up set for us. Liz will be taking you through the steps to make a Clapton coil while regaling us with witty anecdotes about Phil.

1:30pm: Bond at Christmas. Everybody loves a good Bond film on Christmas Day, so we’ve made one with simpering royal correspondent Jennie Bond. She is an evil boss bent on taking over the world with a gigantic vape machine. Or something. To be honest there’s a lot of improvisation because we ran out of ideas as the sherry consumption went up.

Later: Strongmen are doing something with lorries, there are some cartoons and another couple of films we got from Pirate Bay. Seriously, who cares? Everybody’s drunk now.

As the hordes push through town centres like extras from The Walking Dead, anything slightly resembling a shop becomes a site for carnage and destruction. It doesn’t matter if the building is a home or somewhere to buy buns, they don’t care because they have a thirst to sate. The zombies hunger for consumer electrical products, they dive into a feeding frenzy the second the scent a 48” flat screen television – especially if it’s a brand name nobody has heard of before.

The thing is there’s just no guarantee they won’t mistake a home for one of those small local supermarkets. These shuffling, red-faced trolley pushers aren’t the sharpest knives in the cutlery drawer – it’s just the kind of thing they’d do in their quest to buy the seventeen toasters they don’t need.

If you want to join us in locking down your home and protecting those you love, start off by laying strips of Legos across the road either side of your home. On one hand, the Lego block is strong enough to survive the weight of a fully laden articulated lorry, so traffic will carry on unimpeded, but a line of them will provide an impassable barrier to the trollies.

Then it’s time to break out the full collection of vape devices from wherever you store them. Pile up the blankets, duvets, one hosepipe, a lilo pump and a large supply of ready charged lithium-ion batteries. Obviously, if you haven’t already erected a metal hoarding fence then get out there and do it now. We need the atomisers attacked to the hose and being powered by the pump along the length of the barrier. The aim is to provide a fog bank of vape, what these people can’t see they can’t queue up next to.

The last line is for when all is forsaken. If the defences are breached then you don’t want them touching then engaging you in conversation about Ant and Dec. This is how normal people get turned.

If it comes to this, there’s no point thinking about what might have been. Grab cotton wicks and set fire to them. We’ve no idea if this will help but we’re reasonably sure the light and sounds will attract them away from where we are. Sorry, but it’s every person for themselves.

Good luck.

Autumn is amazing with its leafy hues and low-level light, as the chlorophyll ebbs from the surround its green is replaced by a spectacular range of reds, oranges and browns. Describing the vista, painted by the hand of a planet spinning away from the Sun, is what the word sumptuous was created for.

Summer is simply a warmer version of spring, and even then it gets it wrong more often than not. Winter should have been sued for misrepresentation decades ago – part and parcel of being winter should be the provision of a thick blanket of snow to prevent people from having to do things they’d prefer not to.

Not autumn, you don’t mistake autumn for summer – certainly not since councils stopped sweeping up the leaves for children to kick. Admittedly, we don’t get here easily. Summer ends up like a late night town centre drunk, stumbling home via a kebab shop. Eventually life is all hot mugs of tea, a good vape and morning frost.

This time of year offers up the best of colours in the same way vape does. While caution has always been the watchword with regards strong colours in liquids, there are plenty of other visual delights.

The changing of the metal season is a gradual slide into darkness. While some relish the build up of a deep patina for others it signifies an impending rebirth. With a polishing cloth and the substance of choice, brass leaps from its winter-like slumber into full-blown summer glory. Radiant golds present only one problem as hands leave instant marks. How many vapers sit around after a good polish cupping their mod in tissue so they can vape and preserve the sheen?

It is why the all-black devices or stainless steel rigs have never appealed. Those who prefer their appearance are welcome to them. The reliable countenance pales when compared with the wonder of polished copper.

The only downside is when cleaning up copper pins. They undergo their transformation with some lemon juice in a little plastic beaker, from brown to pink with nothing more than gentle agitation. And then forgotten about until the hand that was reaching for a warming autumnal sloe gin picks up the wrong vessel by mistake.

Fresh copper loses its appeal somewhat when the taste of sloe and tonic is replaced by oxide and lemon. The love of colour is lost at this moment and not even the pretty leaves can help.

Our first prediction was a miss. Oddly, we felt that the Tobacco Products Directive would drive doctor Konstantinos Farsalinos out of a job. We felt the directionless chap would balance a part-time career at Greggs with a night time hobby taking on celebrities in bare-knuckle fighting bouts.

It saddens us deeply that rather than slapping Brad Pitt seven shades of silly, behind the Wetherspoon in Kettering, Farsalinos managed to find enough to keep him occupied in his office. Will he keep up his regular attacks on the anti-vaping zealots during 2017? We’ve no idea until we open a bottle of rum and make up next year’s predictions.

Twelve months ago, when the past was nothing more than the future being peered at through a hangover, it seemed obvious that the Tobacco Products Directive would render YouTube vape reviews obsolete. Obvious to everybody -except those people who do them.

We were wrong – igetcha69 is not filling his time producing videos reviewing cross-stitch patterns in his little spare room. He seemed the type; it remains an avenue to explore, but no. Neither is Mark Toddy Todd devoting all of his waking hours to filling up stamp albums. It should be noted that we do not peer through their windows (not since the court order anyway) and they could be doing these things as hobbies to cope with the stress of vape videos. They probably are. That, or Morris dancing, or doing the painful water bottle challenge. We haven’t looked, but UK Vapers probably hasn’t been renamed and given over to discussion of all things Um Bongo either.

And what about our predictions for the vendors? Here we feel we were close to being correct. Like, if you predict some team will win at something – but they don’t – at least you managed to remember the name of the team. That ought to be impressive to other non-sports fans at the very least.

We felt that Jeremy Mean & the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) would amend legislation to force vendors to undergo costly and lengthy administrative procedures while wearing roller skates, a tutu and singing the theme tune to Happy Days. If you focus on the words “costly”, “lengthy” and “roller skates” you can see we nailed this prophecy.

We didn’t relocate to Zanzibar, Scopes Eliquid are not renting a unit on a trading estate in Syria and Manabush are not currently the country’s leading provider of lawn fertilizer. By dropping the word “wrong” from this sentence, we got 100%.

The 2017 predictions are set to be even better than 2016’s. We have been inundated for tickets for the gala evening, hosted by Les Dennis. We predict he’ll do that impersonation of the woman from Coronation Street. We’ll be correct again.

Good branding isn’t just important to a business, it’s essential. It is the lifeblood of a company because it’s what differentiates the products from all of the others in the marketplace. Graphic designers, copywriters and assorted marketing executive idiots called Nigel give up days of their lives to attend brainstorming meetings. They slave over ideas that would make the ones entertained in The Apprentice seem great. It takes time, experience and dedication to produce something good.

So, no wonder some juice makers think it’s a good idea to piggyback on the advertising and promotion of others. We just feel that if they’re going to do it they ought to be going the whole way; why stop at just taking Sara Lee’s cake designs or Pokemon’s slogan?

For a starter they should be changing their company names to sound like one of the giants in the consumer industry like Unilever, Apple or Poundland. Forget all that vape nonsense, go for the jugular; it makes no sense if you’re simply going to steal a brand identity without going the whole hog.

Plus, if you are running a company producing these knock-off juices, what on earth are you thinking of by not changing your own name too? Why be Dylan Jones when the stroke of a pen (and swish of a blade for men) can transform you into Delia Smith? Delia Smith who owns a juice firm now called Marks & Spencer Liquids. Do away with the worry of trying to build yourself a name in the market place, now you have one instantly and we’re going to choose not to mention the one most vapers call you, children may be reading.

Or go the whole hog.

As you already hold a reviled position within the community, why not opt to be known as Sir Phillip Green? You’re now just one step away from the final transformation. All property is theft, right? To date you’ve been happy to make do with intellectual property but there is so much more out there for the ambitious eliquid entrepreneur.

Don’t bother with stupid overheads from renting business premises, set up a trestle table inside the nearest shopping centre food court. “Go away, stupid security guard,” you can exclaim, “for I am Delia Smith/ Sir Phillip Green and I own this whole pantheon to consumerism.”

Which brings you to the culmination of the transformation. Instead of stealing ideas and riding on the backs of others, while bringing vaping into disrepute, you can now do away with the whole messy liquid making process too. People in shopping centres have money, you want their money – steal it.

Stealthvape are available for business development consultancy services to the whole dodgy sector of the juice industry. Not next Thursday though as we’re launching our new range of Marvel(ous) wire: Colossus kanthal with free Wolverine wick.

Images stolen from Wikipedia and Pixabay

Ever since vaping was laughably lumped in with tobacco products we’ve been the butt of every crank with an axe to grind. Nicotine is the evil, according to Martin McKee (Mary Whitehouse impersonator) and Mark Drakeford (Spit the Dog impressionist). Nicotine, they contend, comes from tobacco leaves and is therefore going to drag innocent children from playground and thrust them into smoking shelters.

What we need, we reason, is an alternative to vaping just in case the going gets really tough. What we all need, we concluded, is to sell you a range of new and enjoyable to use products. We looked at a couple of pictures of McKee & Drakeford until we started to feel queasy. We asked ourselves, “What kind of nicotine products could we sell that these two portly gentlemen wouldn’t get into a sweaty wobble about?”

The answer was obvious: nicotine foods. The porcine pair of public health plonkers clearly adore eating between meals, there’s no way they can object.

For the recent ex-smoker or current users of high-nic liquids: Stealthmoussaka. It comes loaded with scrummy aubergine, a veggie that packs 100 nanograms of nicotine into every gram.

And what about those stepping their nic intake down a bit; those aiming at using nothing but nic-free foods in the future and hoping to become food free by a target date? Stealthbolognese will become the substitute of many. While the rich tomato puree doesn’t hold the kick of aubergine, you’ll still be able to get a great fix from the 52 nanograms per gram of nicotine.

Going down another step in nic, but not in taste, the great chefs at Stealthvape Towers have concocted our amazingly delicious Stealthcauliflowercheese. 16.8 scrumptious nanograms of nicotine with every gram of cauliflower makes this a great all-day vape replacement.

And finally, the potato range for those who enjoy impressing people by playing with their food, need to top up nicotine between meals or like to continually eat. Select either Stealthchips and Stealthcrisps, or use both at the same time – we don’t care, we’re not going to judge you if you want to refuel like Martin McKee.

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*Stealthfood (especially Stealthchips and Stealthcrisps) is highly addictive – keep it out of reach of children and pets at all times.

*As with all nicotine products, take care to flush eyes or skin immediately with water should they come into contact with Stealthfoods. Seek full medical attention immediately in case of an accident, or if you feel unwell after eating Stealthfood.

*Stealthfood is for informed adults only. As a responsible vendor we will decline any purchase requests from people under 18 years old.

We must point out that we are an independent manufacturer/retailer and do not work for Big Potato or Big Eggplant. All Stealthfood products are designed to be digested, not inhaled in any form. We take no responsibility for misuse of Stealthfood products.

Having been approached by the BBC, there is going to be a brand new series replacing the old cake-based venture. “We thought about the Great British Skate Off, a show for people who like fishing. Then we considered the Great British Break Off, a show for clumsy types,” said a TV spokesperson.

“But then we realised that a show aimed at a demographic of 2.8million vapers would rope in their friends and families – and so the idea of the Great British Vape Off was born.”

“Truth be told, we had already decided that we’d had enough of the old format. OK, 13.4 million watched the one about biscuits or whatever, but it was getting more stale than a bun in the sun.”

The Great British Vape Off will build upon everything that was good about the old show – soft innuendo. “It’s prime time Carry On fun without Barbara Windsor’s bikini top popping off,” the spokesperson added. “But obviously, if ratings begin to flag we’ll look into getting Babs’ baps on.”

So, how bug could this show be? Are there enough double entendres? “The potential is huge: ‘Put it in my mouth’, ‘Wrap my lips around this one’, ‘The last time I was gripping something this solid ‘ and comments like ‘And you can lick your own drip tip’ will have audiences flocking to the set,” the spokesperson explained.

TV whimsy in a tent!

When the production company approached us to see what we thought we told them it was already taking place. This year, we said, Vapefest attracted over 23 million people. We might have embroiled the figure slightly but everything we know about forecasts and estimates we learnt from The Apprentice. In fact, we have taken so much from Lord Alan’s show that we are thinking about renaming ourselves Team Awesome and selling fields of ponies.

Flushed with success from our involvement with this, we are currently in discussions about fronting up the new Top Gear (including more vaping), relaunching Top of the Pops (with vape in place of a smoke machine) and are submitting a proposal to do a Saturday morning kids show (giving away packs of sweet cigalikes). Nothing for anybody to complain about there.

Having walked all the way down the high street, we discovered that our local police station closed in 1989 due to budget cutbacks or something. It came as a surprise to us to discover that all crime had been solved and there was no longer a need for police stations or, thinking about it, those people who used to work inside. It made us wonder where they find those police people that are always on Channel 5 fly-on-the-wall documentaries? Maybe that’s their full-time job now? And maybe they pay people to be criminals too? People who now have nothing to occupy their days since they stopped being villains for the police to chase?

And then we found one, PC Laura Binding. (Honestly, if no one finds that pun funny I’m going to give up doing this and see if C5 want to take up the option on my ‘Life as a bloke typing on a computer’ fly-on-the-wall documentary).

Laura Binding.

She’s a police officer.

Laura Binding the police officer.

Law abiding – Laura Binding. Oh for goodness sake, I give up.

We didn’t go for a walk, there isn’t even an ‘us’. It’s just me sitting here, making up stuff as usual, in an effort to pad out another article.

It’s because each week the latest stories in the media get scanned in an attempt to seek inspiration for a new article. It’s just that the only thing anybody has been talking about is clowns. There are ones with funny make-up waving knives outside Primary schools, ones fighting each other in the European Parliament, ones trying to become the president of America and ones trying to make out vaping should be severely regulated as it poses untold unproven dangers.

Under normal circumstances there would be a link here to the interview given by Stanton Glantz to Regulator Watch. We’d offer up the opportunity for others to get as angry at them as we were, but then it seemed like a bit of a horrible thing to do.

It’s Friday. Most of you will have spent the week working industriously and are looking forward to a weekend of smiles coupled with alcohol and curry abuse. The last thing you need is Glantz gurning through your monitor as he explains that his mission in life is to “just tell it like I see it!”

What is exceptionally obvious is that this man is going out of his way to say things that vested interests would like him to say, not what he sees. For example, he has seen the Public Health England report, the Royal College of Physicians report and the recent Cochrane Review.

Quite how the man can blindly ignore the weight of evidence is beyond me – just one more clown who has really annoyed me this week. But unlike real actual genuine clowns, this one and the ones like him pose a serious risk to harm reduction and the health of millions of smokers. Channel 5 should do a program about it.

Laura Binding though, eh? Laura Binding.

Contrary to popular opinion in Facebook groups, one does not boil a lithium-ion cell in water in order to make it perform better. In fact, it is safe to say that water and batteries are like Wile-E-Coyote and the Roadrunner: they may be found near each other but it will end in pain and suffering. It’s always best to keep all of your vaping equipment away from water altogether.

While vaping offers an excellent way out of smoking it does mean carrying around a tube full of energy in your pocket. In reality, it is no different to the batteries you can find in your laptop computer or mobile phone.

Lithium ion batteries are popular because they store a huge quantity of energy in a relatively slender package, making them ideal for use in personal electrical devices. They do not hold a memory (so don’t need to be totally discharged before recharging) and can go through many charging cycles.

The difference for vaping comes from the fact that batteries are often removed from devices for charging, spares are carried for when one runs flat and devices don’t all come with dedicated chargers.

Findings from a study in America highlighted that over half of the injuries being sustained due to batteries “exploding” occur to the groin and thigh. This indicates that the cells are being placed into trouser pockets. Another sizeable chunk are hand injuries resulting from a person removing a venting cell from a bag.

What is venting?

If the top and bottom of the battery are connected by keys (or coins/other metal objects) in a pocket (or bag), energy is drained from the battery faster than it is able to cope with. Something called thermal runaway takes place, the battery gets very hot and gases are released in an attempt to prevent it going ‘bang’.

Storing batteries in cheap plastic sleeves or boxes can prevent these accidents simply and easily. Amazon is a good source for battery storage boxes if you can’t find them with your preferred vendor.

Other steps you can take in order to ensure you avoid an accident include buying quality cells. Online forums are full of people who will recommend good battery sellers and ideal cells to meet your vaping demands.

Finally, it is vital the cell is recharged using a quality charger (or the equipment provided by your ecig manufacturer). Ask your vendor what they recommend if you are unsure; do not simply plug it into your computer or phone charger.

Finally, don’t worry that this will happen to you. There are around 2.8 million vapers in the United Kingdom and there are only a handful of examples of battery accidents. It makes a good story for the newspapers but the reality is that it rarely happens. And don’t boil your batteries.

Smoking was awesome. Smoking was everything. Everybody could afford to do it at 20p per pack of ten, and packs were for sale everywhere. If you couldn’t find them behind sheds on school playing fields there were vending machines bolted to walls in high streets. Packs were probably included in kits for new Mums as well. Not sure about the last one but it seems reasonable given everything else taking place at the time.

Unemployment soared as economic times bit hard and inflation rose like Lord Lambton’s appendage. The height of fashion was the donkey jacket, the car of choice was the Austin Allegro and the mullet was born.

But then there were Star Wars and Close Encounters. Apple computers, Ziggy Stardust, punk and Space Hoppers added colour and texture to ten years of change. And there were more cigarettes.

Youthful rebellion and a sense of immortality fed poor decision-making, like those who came before and followed on. But the truth was out about smoking and rates of people quitting suddenly grew, sales are taking a severe kick to the privates. If there was one thing Britain was beginning to learn then it was how to do a damn fine public health warning.

We learnt not to fall out of boats, not to talk to strangers and to always ALWAYS follow the country code. The Green Cross Code man gave way to the AIDS gravestones of the 80s. And, in what seemed like no time at all, Millennials were born. There is no point in public health campaigns now because the Millennials know everything already.

The trouble is, they were correct.

We don’t need public health campaigns educating the public about the dangers of smoking anymore. We don’t need to be told about emphysema, lung cancer or COPD. We know all about it because the Internet knows all about it. We don’t need the advertising agencies that create the campaigns and we certainly don’t need the experts who stand behind them collecting their fat cheques for stating the obvious.

We’re reliving the 70s because smoking is under attack like never before, but this time vaping is playing the part of Dave Prowse. In a Tie fighter. Those who got trapped by tobacco now have an enjoyable exit route – and for those who are experimenting, it is stopping them from taking up smoking in the first place. Vaping is Darth Vader cool but R2D2 honest.

Yes, it’s just like the 70s again. You can tell it is, just look at the England football team!