Author Archives: Rob Ellard

The issues affecting vapers is manifold: if the crime is committed against a store or manufacturer then the costs are passed down the line to us, and if it’s our things being liberated then the victim is obviously us once again. Whichever way it cuts, we have a vested interest in solving the ones that take place and preventing future ones from happening

In many ways we are like cinema chains; we have the power to prevent anybody suffering another Fantastic Four film. If someone says they hate superhero films then it’s almost definitely because they saw one of the FF franchise. Cinema owners could have got together and used their superpowers to prevent another screening – but did they? No, no they did not. They allowed the awfulness to continue and now we have a society where vapers have to act as vigilantes.

Damn you, 20th Century Fox. This is all on you.

Since the great switch from mech to regulated, devices lend themselves nicely to built-in protection. The numerous online bait bike videos illustrate how easy it would be to have a password function, or fingerprint ID, that if by-passed could release an inconvenient number of volts directly through the power button. An enterprising manufacturer would combine this with a video and wireless function so everybody could enjoy the event in real time.

That doesn’t help the shop. Some predictions for us leaving Europe include a massive financial slide and long unemployment queues. The quick-minded of you will realise this is a boon for vape crime fighting. Combining idle hands, piercings and valuable devices together, through the medium of a length of chain, gives you lock-down security. And, should the worst happen and a theft occurs, the store owner has a readymade witness to the event. Plus, if this was an art student then they’ll have the composite sketch whipped up before the Police response vehicle has stopped at Tesco, the off-licence and a doughnut shop. Don’t be critical, the police can’t function on free KFC, free McDs and free pizza alone.

If society does go to Hell in an unpatriotic handcart then at least it means all of the bank vaults will be lying empty. What better use could there be than to rent them out for vape collectors to store their devices? Clearly, neither of these solutions work if Brexit is a huge success and everyone is lighting cigars with £50 notes.

So we propose a trained Vaping Defence Force (VDF) to patrol vape stores and act as emergency first responders in the event of vape crime. It won’t come cheap but we reckon Big T will fund it. Your average company pulls in 68 billion per year, give or take, so something like this is a drop in the ocean and would be brilliant PR.

Vapers don’t wheeze as much as they used to when they smoked, which means they can creep up on crimes in progress more surreptitiously. Plus, like proper superheroes (not the Fantastic Four) they have utility belts and bags full of kit: two mods and a length of Kanthal makes for brilliant crime-fighting nunchaku.

Yep, you could do this…

For the benefit of people currently going out with, married to, or actually are men attempting to grow fantastic beards: we are referring to the 1980s, not the second rate Victorian wannabes. Like Disraeli and Gladstone knew anything about cool facial hair! Pfft.

OK, so it’s a digression, but what was so great about the Victorian times? What was happening in January 1880?  A bad fog in London. Big whoop, right? What happened in January 1980? The Specials were at Number 1 with Too Much Too Young. One-nil to the Twentieth Century, clearly.

Michael J. Fox could leap from one point in time to another, it’s true because I’ve seen the films. It actually happened. But then he stopped hanging about with his science mate and parts of the car went off to be repurposed for David Hasselhoff.

Then Michael starred in a show that was all about the politics and lies. It was now the late 90s and lies were more popular than the Princess of Wales. It was a time of Tony Blair and spin-doctors and Michael J. Fox’s Spin City.

Politicians lie, the news seems to lie, everything seems to be one big fat lie. And then there’s scientific research – these people are meant to be their country’s brightest and best. They spend year after year studying tough subjects and sitting impossible exams. Surely if anybody knows the right way to behave then clever people should?

But we know different, don’t we.

We know that, as has been pointed out in the recent ACSH article that gave this piece its inspiration, scientists are as happy to lie about their research as Gary from Marketing. Or John in Sales, when he makes out the boost in orders came from his endeavours and not some freak series of events. Or Ffiona in purchasing when she claims the reduction in costs were from her efforts and not the fact that a shift in the exchange rate benefitted the company.

People lie.

There’s ‘oh, I never realised I scratched that car’, through to ‘I really love that band you’re into‘, and culminating with ‘ecigs produce toxins and should be banned‘.

Where are we going here? To “‘Spin’ in published biomedical literature: A methodological systematic review“.  Piece of research that concludes: “Spin in biomedical research is prevalent across a range of study designs, including trials, observational studies, diagnostic accuracy studies, and systematic reviews.”

And there are those who beg us to accommodate the fact that scientists are human too, too excuse their willingness to adjust the truth. Which is all fine and well – but any child of the 80’s knows that You Spin Me was by Dead Or Alive…and that’s what harm reduction boils down to. There’s no room for spinning here.

Stan drove a pudgy finger into one of the seventeen folds hanging off his chin. The scratch sent dead skin tumbling onto his blank Mindmap sheet. Boys at school learn how to affect a certain expression, a practised look they summon up on command when a teacher asks the class a question. It says I’m thinking very hard about something so please don’t ask me directly.

Mart stroked his beard. Beard stroking is the international sign of a man who believes himself to be intellectually superior to everybody else in the room. Invariably, the absolute opposite is the case – but today, looking at Stan screwing up his face while pretending to think, Mart knew he really was the sharpest knife in this cutlery drawer. He began to doodle for inspiration.

“I think,” Stan spluttered, “that we might have come up with all the ideas. I think the reason we can’t think of anymore is that we have thought of all of the ideas and now there are none left.”

It was a reasonable guess. The pair of them had invented lies about flavours, brand names and colours being used to target children. They’d laughed until their tummies hurt when they came up with the whole nanoparticle thing. Then they hit gold with the idea they could simply copy every piece of vape research but make up some numbers so it says the opposite. Each time Stan hears “Opposite Land” now he has to go and put on dry underpants.

“Saying we’ve thought of everything isn’t an option,” admonished Mart. “And if we have thought of every thinkable thing then maybe it’s time to think the unthinkable.”

Stan nodded, his cheeks continued to wobble after he’d finished, but he really had no idea what Mart meant.

“We need a danger that smokers and vapers haven’t been scared about yet. We need something that scientists can’t disprove – like when we made up that rubbish about the gateway effect…that it ‘could’ lead to smoking. Try disproving that, scientific community!” And Mart laughed.

“Hang on a minute,” Mart shouted as he dropped his pencil. “Aliens!”

Stan’s expression changed to the one you find on a fat boy when a Greggs employee pulls a new tray of hot pies out of the oven. He could eat Martin up, every scrap.

“We simply say that electronic vaping nicotine delivery device systems give out sub frequencies, acting as beacons for warlike pan-galactic alien races. Using nicotine in this way will ENDS the planet – that’s how bloody selfish vapers are.”

The duo managed to publish three finely crafted research papers in the five minutes after generating the idea, using drawings instead of data tables, depicting the carnage and mayhem. Donald Trump tweeted his congratulations for their patriotic work.

Say hello to a bright new dawn. Say hello to an exciting future. Say hello to the only must-have item in the world of electronic cigarettes. Say hello to the peak of Mount Vaping. Say goodbye to the contents of your wallet, purse, bags and pockets. Say “Bloody hell, I need that in my life!”

World, welcome iWire X!

Our new partner said to us that we’d be better off launching iWire 1 to the market. We scoffed at them. While that brand might know the fruit that’s always left uneaten in fruit bowls, and maybe phones, and computers, they certainly do not know vapers.

Vapers don’t want iWire 1. Whatever that concept was it became outdated a week later when we’d have launched iWire 2. By the following lunchtime, we’d have been doing a press conference about iWire 3 and announcing that all support for iWire 1 had been scrapped. No, this is the future and that means something with an X on the end of the name.

Class-leading features

Like any great product worth having, it is reassuringly expensive in the United States. At a cracking $129 a reel, it screams “aspirational vaping accessory“. Such a desirable product would be let down if we didn’t pretend that exchange rates and import duties justified the UK price of £189.

How many other reels of wire come in a bespoke box? None, that’s how many. And if they did then it wouldn’t be a white box with two free stickers and a dedicated set of matching earplugs. This is how you recognise quality – this is how people know you are a human of distinction.

The iWire X is ahead of the curve with a dynamic 6cm of width, a touch sensitive reel and facial recognition. Yes, that’s correct, you read it correctly – the iWire reel comes complete with face recognition. All you need to do is stare at the reel, take in its simple form while it processes the millions of points on your head. Then you are all set to go.

Clearly, there is no speaker or screen so you are going to have to take our word for it that facial recognition works…but when have we ever lied to you?Other reels are fiddly to use; everybody knows that. Wire spools off when you least want it to. So does the iWire, but that is a design feature so that everybody nearby can see you are using iWire and therefore attractive, intelligent and desirable.

Our iWire X is the very first wire for coiling that has had a roaming function designed into the product and will also accept MicroSIM cards. It won’t do anything with them afterwards, but it is comforting to know they are accepted.

Of course, iWire X only works with the iMod and iAtomiser. To purchase them you will need to book an appointment with one of our iGenies at the iStealthVapeStore. Once there, we can advise you of the best organs to sell in order to afford the complete package. Credit checks can be performed in-store to see if you qualify for our obscenely expensive loans.

iWire X – the product people want only because other people want it!

Police are currently hunting for a group of young males in West Belfast after some school boys were attacked. They believe that a stun gun resembling an electronic cigarette was involved.

Three boys, aged between 12 and 13, were attacked and struck on the neck by the stun gun, and one fell to the ground. Detective Inspector Paul Rowland said: “Each of the boys felt something on their neck and one of them fell to the ground. Two of the boys subsequently attended hospital for treatment to minor injuries. While we believe some kind of small electronic device was used, we are keeping an open mind, but are appealing to anyone who has any information about this incident, or who may have witnessed it to contact detectives on the non-emergency number 101, quoting reference 811 06/09/17.”

Stun guns disguised as popular items is nothing new; there were reports of iPhone versions back in 2015. The stun vape version hit the news last year and gang members were claiming they’d managed to import them from America: “The old bill has no idea. Everyone is on e-cigs these days so they don’t look out of place.”

It’s good to hear that none of the victims suffered any serious damage, but it’s troubling that this could reflect poorly on vaping if such weapons became more widely available.

We’ve helped to highlight attacks on vape stores and thefts of vape kit in the past. Each time there will be many comments about what people would like to do to the perpetrators. This actually happened in Indonesia recently.

A young man broke into the Old Vape House, South Jakarta, and is alleged to have stolen a mod worth around £100. Seven men are reported to have attacked him, resulting in his death. Four of them have been arrested while three remain on the run.

It serves as a caution to anybody thinking such things deserve direct action. For such an insignificant amount of money, one man is now dead and seven others face a long term in prison.

But Jakarta is no stranger to vape-related crime; the local police have also recently arrested a number of people for distributing drugs inside bottles of eliquid.

People would transfer around £150 directly into a bank account and wait for a person to deliver their 60ml bottle of narcotics. The police didn’t say what the drug was, just that it was “similar” to the effect of smoking marijuana.

A soft sentence for a soft drug then? Not a chance: the Indonesian 1997 Narcotics Law carries a maximum life sentence or the death penalty.

As Crimewatch’s Nick Ross said: “Don’t have nightmares, do sleep well.”

Long-term vapers have witnessed a transition from something that was just about harm reduction then blossom into a product that is on-trend and fashionable. But, obviously, vapers can’t simply enjoy vaping without someone telling them why they ought to stop. This week it’s the turn of people who enjoy doing vape stunts and tricks.

Published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, researchers from RTI International are warning about “risk factors” associated with “vape trick behaviour“.

Lead author Jessica Pepper explained the rationale behind conducting the study: “Earlier studies have shown that some teens vape because they think it looks cool. Others want to try the fruit- and candy-flavoured e-liquids used to make vape clouds. Vape tricks may be another factor. I can see why teens might be interested. Some of the tricks are fascinating.”

The paper the team produced states: “Vape tricks are an emerging and understudied risk behaviour for adolescents. Given the potential association between vape trick behaviour, motivation to use [vape devices], and increased exposure to [vape] emissions due to using more advanced devices, it is important to understand what demographic, psychographic, or behavioural factors are associated with youth engagement in vape tricks.”

Unfortunately, the authors of the study are beginning from the premise that vaping poses a big danger and, secondly, that these teens wouldn’t have otherwise gone on to smoke.

Serious flaws exist in this study; teens were recruited online (using a $20 Amazon gift card inducement) and then completed questionnaires online. Such methodology places a huge question mark over the reliability of the data obtained – which carries on through to the dubious conclusions the team come to:

• “Research suggests that [ecig] use is not free of harm.
• Ecig users are more likely to progress to smoking combustible cigarettes.
• The nicotine in e-liquid can be harmful.
• Even e-liquid without nicotine produces harmful chemical emissions.
• Vape trick behaviour also could influence health. For example, vaping blogs suggest different configurations of batteries and different types of e-liquid to produce the biggest clouds or do the best tricks.”

The group failed to take any measurements and are therefore totally unable to quantify any perceived danger. They remain as ignorant as to the performance of a trick (duration of inhale, components of the vape, impact on lung tissue) as they were prior to the research program’s inception.

In fact, it’s a struggle to work out what the point of the work was given how it has failed, by any measure, to move understanding forward. It’s also amazing that the company can make the claim: “RTI is at the forefront of research on e-cigarettes. Because of our wide-ranging expertise, we are ideally positioned to provide insights on these products from a variety of scientific perspectives, including public health and policy, pharmacology and toxicology, aerosol technology, and health communications.”

The full research paper can be accessed here.

How does he do it? How does Tom appear throughout history and do everything? Well, the answer lies in the factual story of his childhood, where he made a wish and became older overnight. In this true tale about Tom, we all learnt that bigger is better than smaller. Big Tom got to play on huge keyboards, own a swish apartment and was allowed to stand out of the roof of a limo. You try doing that – within seconds you’ll be told the insurance doesn’t cover it. Because you aren’t as big as Tom was.

We all realised that ‘Big’ is the most important thing. Wagon Wheels expanded to an optimum size, McMeals could be supersized, and all the short people in the Harlem Globetrotters were fired. The human race really doesn’t appreciate the impact of Tom Hanks on the world – he’s made everything big. Well, if not big then at least bigger.

Does anybody care about a normal size house being built? No, but ask that person about some massive skyscraper and they’ll go ‘Oooh’, and ‘Wow’, and ‘I hope that’s not going to ruin my view, otherwise I’m complaining to the council’.

People adore the big stuff.

Mice? Pah, stupid squeaky things. Call me when there’s a capybara with clogs on, going clip-clippety-clop on the stair – then tell me how lucky you are, Ronnie Hilton.

Lions? Tigers? They’re just insignificant wild moggies. What you want is a liger; part lion, part tiger, all massive feline and ten times better than a tigon. It’s a vast 922lb beast – and fair warning of why the residents of Devon and Cornwall shouldn’t interbreed.

And anyway Devon and Cornwall, neither of you impress anyone. We’re all stoked with Russia being 17,098,242 square kilometres and China having 1.4 billion people. Those are big things. Big things are impressive.

Which is why we are prepared to be deeply impressed by Tesla as it sets about constructing the largest lithium-ion battery in the world. The only downside to this 129MWh lump is that it’s going to be at an Australian wind farm, and Australia has all but banned vaping.

If Tesla had the foresight to stick it in the States, with all the other massive roadside erections, somebody could have paired it with the biggest mod humanity had ever witnessed.

Maybe somebody will still have the decency to do that and make it useful. Who needs a better form of interrupted power supply management? No, ship it to Bovey in Devon, mate it to the biggest mod ever and get Tom Hanks to puff on it. Capybara and Wagon Wheel flavour. Something big.

We called it; we said the thing the anti-THR (tobacco harm reduction) lobby feared most was vaping becoming a sexy thing. We pointed out the kittens they had when the pouty woman went all Cadbury’s Flake in a cigalike commercial. You remember? The one The Telegraph described as “sexy as watching someone gutting fish“? Now, we’re not going to slate someone else’s pleasure, but if that journo gets off on watching fish being gutted then, well, then that’s a little bit odd.

Vapers are now the compilation of all the sexy scenes from Game of Thrones (ask your children), those late night Channel 4 programs with the triangle in the corner (ask your Dad), and both sexes of Dr Who (we aren’t sure who watches this any longer). *And, no, we aren’t going to join in an argument about that last one.

And so we now have to apologise. Clearly, you are sitting there, scratching an intimate part and smelling your fingers, thinking: “I am sexy, I am a real sexy beast.”

Well, we’ve been disingenuous. We’ve stretched the truth. We’ve fibbed. Yes, vapers are sexier – a survey says so. We are totally more sexy than smokers.

Halo Cigs, purveyors of electronic cigarettes and vape kits, have conducted a survey looking at what the preferences are in online dating. From what we can ascertain about it, the app of choice will present you with a person. If you like them then you swipe right on the screen, conversely, swiping left if you don’t fancy the prospect.

Halo discovered that two out of three women will swipe left if faced with a smoker. Further to that, 64% of non-smoking men and women said they would not consider having a long-term relationship with a smoker.

Even smokers were biased against other smokers and would look for non-smokers. Ten percent of male and twenty percent of female smokers would refuse to form a relationship with other smokers.

Halo says: “The answers aren’t good news for the smoking crowd: men and women agree in their beliefs that smokers are addicted, enjoy nicotine, and are unhealthy due to their habits. A large majority of participants said smokers were addicted. Sixty-one percent of women thought smokers were unhealthy, just slightly higher than men. Additionally, only sixteen percent of women and twenty-one percent of men thought smoking was on trend.”

The company points out that vaping is far less offensive to prospective partners…which means it will make you sexier. So we are all more sexy than we thought we were this time last week. Have a great weekend!

It should be pointed out that while no intelligent person would ever stoop to watch Love Island, it is permissible (in the name of research) to view an episode. That’s what I told my daughter, as she stood in the doorway pointing and laughing. Fine, everybody points and laughs at me, but that’s not the point.

Love Island is like TV’s vaping in that some people find it very pleasurable while others look on wondering why and how. But, again like vaping, if it doesn’t upset the animals or offend the vicar then people can carry on to their heart’s content.

Over two million people watch Love Island, TWO MILLION. You can’t get sniffy about those figures if you’re into marketing. An advertising slot in one of the breaks of this show will cost a fortune because of the public’s affection for swimsuits and suntans.

Do you know what the public don’t like? It’s not the getting drunk on television like they do every day on Big Brother. It’s not naked bodies and dimly lit sexual acts. And, surprisingly, it’s not the cockney accents on Eastenders. No, what the public really hates is smoking.

Everybody on Love Island smokes. Even the fish and trees smoke. Probably. They smoke so much that 200 fags a day are delivered to the little televised paradise. And those smokes are sparked up in front of the young and old sitting transfixed to their televisions.

Fewer complaints were received about full-on sex being televised than were sent regarding the blatant smoking going on. Depending on your point of view, this is either a sign of the public maturing or the end of the world.

But what does complaining ever achieve? I’ve complained about meals, the lack of cricket on terrestrial television, and the Xmas Number 1 every year – hasn’t changed a thing.

It took just 24 moans about puffing on fags to get ITV bosses to reconsider their approach to tobacco-related diseases, and they’ve decided to deliver vapes to the island paradise.

Without having to spend a single penny on advertising, electronic cigarettes are going to be placed front and centre on a show only eclipsed by the Antiques Roadshow and Countryfile. Two million people are going to see vaping as a safer solution to smoking disease and death. They are going to see ecigs as sexy. It’s probably the greatest victory in the harm reduction battle to date, and we applaud it. Well done, Love Island.

If you or somebody you know has been affected by any reference to Love Island, call the Stealthvape Love Island hotline on 0898-LOVEISLAND [Calls cost £17.23 per minute]