Author Archives: Rob Ellard

 

John was barely in long trousers in a time when celebrities of the day loved the fact that parents forced their boys to wear shorts. And while we are thinking about stupid things parents made children do in the 70s, why on earth would anyone send their child out of the house wearing a cap and carrying a satchel? Honestly, it’s not hard to see how this developed into a lifetime of struggle.

John stood in front of the cigarette machine hanging on the wall outside the closed shop. Many memories have been lost to him over the years, but buying that first pack of ten Embassy No.6 for twenty pence remains clear to this day. As does that evening, standing in the village bus shelter with the other Youth Club escapees, performing mouth inhales and wondering why people did this kind of thing for fun.

A decade on and he had progressed, as if there were a ranking system for smoking. Now the proud owner of a company car, a boot full of breakfast cereal samples and an expanding waistline, John smoked for England. A local shop readily exchanged cartons of Marlboros for cases of cereal to support his now forty-a-day habit.

John, Dave, Carol? I may as well be a boy named Sue. The appellation is as irrelevant as the background because every smoker began at some point and escalated. For most of that time we’ve convinced ourselves that we really enjoyed the habit, the smell and the wheezing. When we were young we were invincible. Sure, smoking causes diseases but we were destined to be one of those few people still happily smoking into their 90s. Our lungs were made out of stronger stuff than mere cells and tissue.

And we were all brilliant at quitting because (and told this line each time as though it was original) we’d done it loads of times. But you don’t quit a forty-fag habit just like you don’t stop a dependence on twenty; the numbers mean nothing, the addiction is everything. John was as successful at dropping the smokes as he was at convincing supermarkets they needed to stock more bran-based products. The world really doesn’t like bran for all it goes on about the need for us to be healthy.

Sue, Sophie, Bob or Kevin discovered vaping. They, you and me found a way out. If it is only as far as a substitute for smoking then at least it’s at least 95% safer according to the recent reports, but John was aiming to quit for good. Quitting for good for once and for all.

He remembers last Thursday as clearly as he remembered that day in 1976. Last week was the first time he purchased some 0mg juice. It forms part of the vaping journey that saw him initially using 24mg liquids before cutting to 18, then 12, then 6. Then 3mg. Some might like to knock the efficacy of vaping as a means to stopping smoking and curbing a nicotine addiction. Some might like to talk to Gary, Clare, Helen, Josie, Jim and Gary. They might like to talk to Dave because, although they may consider it only anecdotal, there are quite a lot of Daves doing it.

 

Evolv product Limited Warranty

 

The warranty provided by Evolv does not affect your statutory rights and is supplied in addition to them.

 

Evolv provides a non-transferable warranty (meaning it only applies to the buyer of the board and as long as they are a consumer and not producing mods for sale) to the purchaser of any Evolv product purchased from Stealthvape. We are an authorised Evolv reseller.

 

Evolv warrants that the product will be free from defects in material and workmanship for 90 days and a whole year for DNA products. The date of this cover starts on the date of purchase.

 

Evolv state that its entire liability and your exclusive remedy for your Evolv product that is not operating in accordance with its published technical specifications is to repair or replace the product at Evolv’s expense. This warranty obligation is conditioned upon the hardware being returned to Evolv or another place as directed by Evolv, with the original sales receipt and completed RMA form attached.

 

You may be required to pay shipping and handling charges, as well as any applicable tariffs, duties, taxes, or other fees. Evolv may, at its discretion, provide new or equivalent-to-new refurbished parts in good working condition, or repair or replace the hardware returned to Evolv.

 

Any repaired or replacement hardware will be warranted for the remainder of the original warranty period and not for a further 90 days/12 months.

 

Exclusions

This warranty does not cover problems or damage resulting from, but not limited to, any of the following:

• Wear and tear associated with normal use
• Any modification, abuse, accident, disassembly, misapplication, or unauthorized repair
• Any improper operation, including any use not in accordance with any product instructions
• Cracked, broken, or otherwise damaged display (OLED)
• Any other cause which does not relate to a product defect in materials or workmanship

 

Returning Your Product

Stealthvape handle returns on behalf of Evolv for products sold by us to UK customers and for the first six months of the warrantee period. Contact us in the first instance to inform us of the issue and we will arrange repair or a replacement board in accordance with the terms listed above. For customers outside the UK you will need to contact Evolv directly as detailed below.

 

In the event that you need to return your Evolv product for repair after this six-month period, Evolv will provide you with a Return Merchandise Authorization Form as well as return instructions. Do not return your product without prior approval from Evolv. Any product returned without a valid RMA Form will be refused and returned to the sender at the sender’s expense.

 

Request a Return Material Authorization Form

To request an RMA Form email Evolv at helpdesk@evolvapor.com or use the ‘Contact Us‘ link provided on this website

 

What is a Warranty/Guarantee?

 

A guarantee is given free by a manufacturer and isn’t enforceable by law, it’s a promise from them that they’ll repair or replace a product if faulty. A warranty does the same thing but you tend to pay for those and therefore they are enforceable in law. The warranty will tend to state exactly what faults will and will not be covered.

 

They will state: “this does not affect your statutory rights” because the promises are in addition to your rights covered by law.

 

 

Who has the responsibility for fulfilling obligations under a warranty/guarantee?

 

The manufacturer of the product is the body offering the warranty/guarantee and the customer has to contact them directly for all repairs or replacements. But this is an (effectively) insurance policy in case you are having issues getting satisfaction under your statutory consumer rights.

 

 

 What are the statutory rights?

 

The things you buy must be of satisfactory quality for the price, be fit for the purpose they are to be used for, lasting a reasonable length of time and to match any description according to the Consumer Rights Act 2015.

 

 

Changing your mind

 

If you change your mind after purchasing online you have 14 days to cancel your order then a further 14 days to return the goods. You need to inform the vendor that you are doing this. This is extended to one year and fourteen days if your vendor hasn’t told you about your cancellation rights. The goods must be returned in as new condition although the original packaging can be missing.

 

To cancel a contract you (usually) have to let the vendor know in writing – and although some may accept a phone call it’s in your own interests to have a copy of the letter, email or form used for future reference. Sending letters by recorded delivery means you have evidence the vendor received it.

 

 

Rejecting broken or malfunctioning goods

 

Within 30 days, you can return faulty goods to the seller for a full refund. After 30 days you lose the right to reject the goods and have to settle for a repair or replacement. After six months, it is the buyer who has to prove the goods were faulty in order to obtain a repair or replacement – this is when it is best to use any warranty/guarantee.

 

 

Except?

 

If you have damaged a product during installation or use then neither the vendor nor the manufacturer have any responsibility to repair or replace. Some items such as regulated mod boards require inspection prior to installation – it is deemed that you have done this if you go on to install it in a mod.

 

 

Posting

 

You need to return the goods by the cheapest available option and the vendor has to refund you if the contract is being cancelled within 14 days or the goods are faulty. It is wise to obtain a signed-for option as this proves they received the goods although you will not be able to get them to pay for this.

 

 

Refund

 

The vendor has 14 days to refund you after you have cancelled the contract or they have received the goods. If they do not receive the goods you can be liable for the cost.

 

 

Consumer Rights Act 2015 or manufacturers warrantee/guarantee?

 

Some vendors will tell you that you need to contact manufacturers to sort out any issues. All of the above rights accorded to you under the Consumer Rights Act apply to all vape-related purchases – do not be fobbed off.

 

 

Fakes and counterfeits

 

Vapers are well aware that the market is flooded with clones and knock-offs but that doesn’t make it legal for these things to be sold. If you have an issue with fakes or counterfeits we suggest you read this page produced by Citizens Advice.

 

 

“Dear Auntie Stealthvape,

I was one of the millions of people upset by the outright banning of DDT in the 70s. I love everything about the Monsanto Company almost as much as I hate insects and therefore jumped with joy when I was told that the nicotine eliquid contained in my juice was a powerful insecticide. Can you confirm this for me and suggest the best method to banish all manner of invertebrates from my domicile?

Yours, Jeremy Flange, Belper”

 

Dear Jeremy, I checked with the Daily Mail and can confirm that they are unable to substantiate claims that it is an effective means of pest control. But do not weep as I have discovered a brilliant way to transform juice into a thorough bee basher: the plans for R.J. Wagner’s high velocity liquid droplet weapon for space warfare gun. Please write back and send pictures of your successes.

 

“Dear Auntie Stealthvape,

I find myself facing the prospect of the in-laws coming over but our downstairs bog is an utter state. Personally, I’d rather not go to the expense of purchasing some toilet cleaning products and wondered if I could use my eliquid to kill them to save my embarrassment?

With love, Gladys Citalopram, Cheam”

 

Dear Gladys,thank you for your letter, you really made me laugh. Who amongst us can honestly say we haven’t wondered the very same thing? Unfortunately all those stories in the Daily Mirror were nonsense and eliquid will not do the job for you. This is where the solid mechanical mod is your friend, the larger the better for bludgeoning.

 

“Dear Auntie Stealthvape,

We find ourselves in the most invidious position. Our new neighbours moved in last month and turned out to be none other than professor Stanton Glantz. Within days he was leaving his sloppy thinking all over our lawn and littering the street by lazily parking his daft notions. Do you think we should dig a big pit, fill it with eliquid and cover it with copies of the Public Health England report or move?

Thanking you in advance, Bert and Ernie, Queens”

 

Oh you poor loves, you have my deepest sympathies. Some might suggest sprinkling tiger excrement along your flowerbeds although this can be problematic to get hold of in New York. Probably the best course of action for you is to find something he is afraid of, like Efest batteries. Plant each one an inch into the ground at one foot distances around the perimeter of your property. The Glantz will be so petrified of explosions he will move back to the West Coast immediately.

 

“Dear Auntie Stealthvape,

I have spent the best part of my last two weeks looking for all of the formaldehyde I was warned about. I can’t find it anywhere. I’ve looked in my vape box, inside every juice bottle and atomiser. It’s nowhere to be found. Is it possible it all fell down the back of the sofa?

Thanks, Barry Tinfoil, Bunny”

 

Good afternoon, Barry. You didn’t tell me where you bought your juice. I agree, according to the press reports it ought to be overflowing with aldehydes and it sounds like you have been badly let down by an errant manufacturer. In the first instance, I would suggest you contact the liquid maker. Most responsible ones will happily replace the bottle and also send you a free bag of diacetyl by way of an apology. In the meantime, in order to get your fix of formaldehyde goodness, just pop along to the nearest forest and breath in deeply (as the trees give it away for nothing, the fools).

 

“Dear Auntie Stealthvape,

I took up vaping in order to impress other people but I’ve been told by my mates that the Europe wants to ban everything. Not just my vape stuff but, like, you know, everything. I could probably get by without Jeremy Kyle, the house and oxygen – but my DNA200 mod? No way. Are you aware of any armed insurrection groups with a vaping bent I could join?

Peace out, Foxy Knickers, Basildon”

 

Dear Mr Knickers. Surprisingly, despite having names like ‘The Vaping Militia’, the vape community is thin on the ground when it comes to an armed struggle. Ever since a sub-forum on Mumsnet was caught stockpiling anthrax the government has been pretty hot on clamping down on social media groups. I tried using a strong torch to look at the dark net but it was just like daytime net only with the computer off. Until collections of like-minded individuals coalesce on the cliff tops of Kent, your best bet is to catch a cross-channel ferry and hurl swearwords at the dock workers in Cherbourg. Whatever you do – do not disembark or they will throw cheese at you. I strongly suggest you consider making up a post-EU apocalypse bag containing 17 litres of nicotine base, three tons of cotton wool and 5m of Kanthal.

 

“Dear Auntie Stealthvape,

I read your reply to Jeremy Flange and was surprised you did not suggest publicly shaming the insects on Twitter. I use public shaming for everything – just this week I posted thirteen tweets under an anonymous name criticising my Kraken V2, and that sorted it out a treat. I guess it helps that I am very rich and have all the best internets. You should see the size of the firewall I built and made Bill Gates pay for. It’s the best wall ever.

Vote, Donald Trump, The best apartment in the best building in the country that I’m going to make great because I’m rich

P.S. I’m going to make a brilliant atomizer called the Trump Atomizer. I’m fantastic at designing atomizers and this is a better atomizer than Hilary could ever make – if she was even allowed to make one. I don’t know, I’ve never ever heard of her so I don’t know. We’re going to have a great atomizer…it’s going to be a terrific atomizer.”

 

Thank you for the input, Donald, I had forgotten how powerful the written word can be. Especially when that word is written on a rock and hurled with force. I tried this technique on a coil hot leg problem and it cleared up the issue instantly, something for us all to bear in mind there. I hope your atomiser plans are as successful as Trump Airlines.

 

 

Firstly, and we gave this no second thought, we are now refusing to accept the new £5 note. Every time a payment is now made via card or through PayPal we write to them to ensure only normal money is being paid into our account. We are now spending half a day a week going to the bank to look inside our account to make certain that no fivers have slipped through the net.

While we believe the nearest thing to heaven is a bacon sandwich (or a Porterhouse and chips when hungry), we do understand the objections of money being made out of them. Actually, we don’t. Most of the objections skipped us by, but we are pretty certain they have something to do with there being less bacon and steak about – a pretty horrific scenario we’re sure you agree.

Also, it’s not certain that anyone had thought about what would happen if a note was dropped in a field and eaten by a cow. That would make it a double cow and therefore make burgers cost more. The Royal Mint has really dropped the ball on this one. Maybe.

This isn’t a first, we have been at the cutting edge of animal rights within vaping – we just didn’t like to talk about it. Last year, Stealthvape became the very first vape accessory company to certify that none of our kanthal type wire was manufactured using the whiskers of ocelots. None of our competitors offer you that guarantee and, we think, that says quite a lot.

It is progressive, sensitive policies like this that spurred us on to appraise our other products like the wick materials. None of the cotton is tested on puppies. Anymore. True, we used to put loads of cotton wool balls into a room and release baskets of puppies to romp about, but we were never really sure why. It was very cute though. But as sweet and loveable as the situation was, we are a company for the 21^st Century and recognise that this has no part to play in modern vaping.

Unlike other companies (who we will not name), we do not force our goldfish to eat DNA chips. It’s a barbaric practise, wholly unjustifiable, and one that we haven’t nor never will partake in. We call on these other companies (again, the law prevents us but you know who) ‘stop harming the goldfish’.

You can always rely on Stealthvape. All products guaranteed not to contain or be tested on *cute animals.

*Animals that aren’t cute may be fair game though, but we’re going to wait to find out which direction the Internet flaming-torch mob are heading first.

 

 

It is obvious that there’s something special about these places, where else would someone pay over ten pounds for a lump of chocolate shaped like a piece of pipe fitting? We aim to guarantee traditional festive fun and products are more affordable prices – no more weekly shopping bill on some (not very traditional) out of season strawberries on a stick.

What can you all expect from The Stealthvape Festive British Market? Fun. Fun with a capital letter. Big fat entertainment fun featuring a bloke who got kicked off 2009’s Britain’s Got Talent in the first week. Then, just as you think it can’t get any better, there’s that woman who used to be in an all-girl band in 1996 that got to 52 in the charts. Pretty amazing stuff, yeh? It doesn’t end there as we welcome an Elvis impersonator, always popular with the hip young people who know where it’s at. Finally, we close off the night’s enjoyment with a carol sing-along to the accompaniment of Graham, the alcoholic one-armed church organist.

Of course, all of this excitement is going to build up a mighty appetite. Our culinary area focuses on all that is brilliant about British food: kebabs, curry, burgers, hot dogs, jacket potato, cheesy chips, and pie-peas and gravy. That doesn’t sound very festive, you might say? Well worry not, we’ve got that covered as we’re getting into the spirit of it by adding ‘worst‘ to the end of each word. So, roll up and get your traditional kebabworst or snack down on some spectacular cheesychipworsts. Nothing says Stealthvape being totally British and totally December in a cold market than a plate of jacket potatoworst.

Have we forgotten about drink? Not a hope. Super strength lager might be consumed throughout the year but it’s during the cold months that drinkers appreciate its warming properties. At The Stealthvape Festive British Market, you can buy super strength lager in extra large tins. There is also the full range of artificially coloured alcopops and shelves groaning under the weight of pints of Baileys. What we really recommend though is a massive mug of winter Gluetteawein – it’s a traditional mug of warming winter tea combined with the great taste of Buckfast tonic wine and glue.

The only thing left to take care of is shopping for present for those you hold dear. Our crafts area caters to all desires. What self-respecting Brit doesn’t dream of getting involved with a Health & Safety gone mad claims-culture lawsuit? Give them a bag of our chocolate-covered wire clippings. And why buy an expensive wooden toy when every passport-carrying member of these isles loves to DIY. Johnny Foreigner might think you’re carrying a bag of fire kindling, but we know it’s a dollhouse or racing car. Kiss Me Quick hats with the word Santa added in Tippex? Snow globes built down to a price using condoms and ice cubes? You can find the lot at the totally traditional Stealthvape Festive British Market. *Products may be made in China

 

 

 

You will find questions relating directly to past smoking history, health as well as vaping – but all replies are totally anonymous. We will not be tracking any submission, the page is encrypted and we will not ask for any personal identifiers.

You can access the survey by clicking on the image above, following link here or cutting and pasting it into a browser: https://kwiksurveys.com/s/qqxBYm0U

Thanks in advance for taking the time to complete and share it.

 

 

It can’t be easy quitting smoking and coming into vaping now. A few years ago there were only a handful of enthusiasts sharing tips to improve the performance of the archaic atomisers and next to no juice makers. The only real choice was which starter kit to buy – and even then they were all pretty much alike.

But times have changed. In place of Enfield we now burst our ribcages with hilarity at the stunningly subtle humour of Keith Lemon. The range of mods, atomisers and juices for noobs is bewildering. So many options, where on Earth can the prospective vaper turn?

Fortunately we are now awash with experts. It doesn’t matter if you’ve only been vaping for a few weeks just as long as you’ve watched an out of focus person mumbling on YouTube. We are now all doyens of the vape.

Actually, thinking about it, Doyens of the Vape would be an excellent name for a band. A bit gothy with a propensity for over-dramatizing their songs I grant you, but still a decent name. I’ve suffered from this ailment for a long time now – ever since first being in a band as a teenager. The days when five of us would spend all of our time with three halves in a pub trying to think of a name we could all agree on. I’ve classified things into good and bad band names every day for decades. You know, just in case I form another band “because it’ll save time”. I currently have 3,192 potential names ready for debate. Well, 3193 now with Doyens of the Vape.

The Atomisers, there’s another one. More punky but with a hint of modernity. We’d dress smartish but not wear ties. Or we would wear ties but they could be at a jaunty angle to express our individuality and contempt for The System. I’m not referring to The Man’s system (that oppresses us all) but The System, the 1980’s synth-pop who oppressed our ears. 1802: where and when the phrase “Smash The System” came from.

I received a something this morning from one of the latest hyped-to-death-on-a-forum people. It’s deeply unpleasant. Not as disagreeable as Keith Lemon or The System but displeasing all the same. This was all because a bunch of self-appointed experts told me what I ought to be vaping and like the intellectually challenged puppy I am I did their bidding.

Don’t do that, dear new vaper reading this. Don’t follow people’s advice; plough your own furrow, make your own mistakes and live your own #vapelife. And don’t call your next band The Self Appointed Experts. And don’t do what people tell you to do. Except for this. Because me and my friends know what we’re talking about as “we’ve been the Doyens of the Vape, goodnight!” See? It really works doesn’t it? I’m betting you’re already waving a lighter in the air.

 

 

Vapemail is all well and good, but the excitement can quickly fade when things go wrong. What seems like the greatest thing you’ve ever owned can suddenly transform into an object to be beaten with when the receipt is discovered in a wallet. When that thing is a great big DNA40 box it’s a scary scenario.

And that juice everyone raves about? What’s going on with their taste buds? I know I should just buy new juice in 10mls but I’ve got used to buying me-sized bottles these days. What do you do with me-sized bottles full of stuff that vapes like the extract of stale socks?

And what about that atomiser that seemed to be such a great idea until you bought it? Up to the moment you discovered the non-adjustable pin doesn’t make a connection. The realisation that it isn’t going to be plain sailing amplified by it’s almost sentient ability to know that this would be the best moment to dump the contents of the tank over the keyboard.

Thankfully we are vapers – and vapers seem to love nothing more than sticking their noses into other people’s business, laughing at my misfortunes but then, eventually (once they’ve mopped away the tears), offering sound words of advice to rectify the issues.

Here is the week that was, none of which Michael Fish managed to predict and warn me of!